Hi! My MIL just called me to ask if I would buy all the presents for my kids from her and my FIL for Christmas. It is 6 days before Christmas!! And all my shopping for my kids is done and half of it wrapped. Plus, I am not going to change something that I put thought into choosing to come from my husband and I to come from them instead.
What's extra frustrating is that when I provided a wish list--almost a month ago--I also asked for ideas for my nieces and nephews (it was a group email to that side of the family--8 kids in total to buy for). I mentioned that I was trying to get organized because I knew this week before Christmas was especially busy with many activities going on for us, kids out of school for early release (finals days), etc. and that I planned to have all my shopping done by last week. My husband cannot believe she's done this and is upset by it too. I told her it would be tough--tried to put her off but in the end agreed to do it. I did tell her I would just get them gift cards because I had already bought everything for the kids and was not sure what else to get them and hoped she was ok with that.
Her main excuses for not doing it herself: "I haven't been in the Christmas spirit", "I just got back from a trip" (which she did--to visit her daughter and family who will be coming here next week--not sure why she flew halfway across the country to do that--there was no special event) and "I have a party and doctor's appt. to go to this week". For real--she said all of those.
I am furious. But taking a deep breath. What's most frustrating to my husband is that she will take all the credit for our effort. So my question is do we go ahead and do it for her but later let the kids know? One idea I have is to a nail salon for my daughter (she's almost 13) so that would be a local item that my MIL could not get anyway but my daughter loves pedicures and they are an occasional treat so I think she will really like this. But obviously she will know that I had to have helped in someway with this. Any other ideas on how to lower my blood pressure as it relates to this situation--LOL? :-)
Edited to add: Related to my husband's notion that she will take the credit. He gets along with his mom really well but she is also pretty self centered and she does love attention given to her and has been known to get very upset if she doesn't get praised or gushed on. She likes that kind of thing. One time I remember my kids were outside playing with their cousins when she arrived and she was appalled that they didn't come say hello to her within 10 minutes of arrival. She expects people to drop what they are doing for her. I think he's just over it and thinks it's crappy. I suppose that's what we're doing here. But that is another topic for another thread. :-)
Thanks everyone for your input. We have decided to do gift cards or cash for experiences (rock wall climbing, pedicures, etc). My husband is working 55+ hour weeks and carpools so doing the shopping himself would be difficult. I suppose it is difficult to convey over the internet what I meant by "getting credit". I phrased it poorly. I do not have a problem at all buying gifts on behalf of my MIL. My grandparents used to give money for my parents to purchase gifts on their behalf b/c they always flew in for the holidays and did not want to worry about shipping/carrying with them. But I failed to mention that we will be visiting and staying with my inlaws and extended family for several days after Christmas so shipping is not a concern for my MIL like it might be for others. I like the suggestions of saying "they needed a little extra help this year". I suppose the greater issue--which I alluded to and cannot explain fully here--is that my MIL will take all the credit and say she thought they would like this, etc. b/c that's just how she is. It is frustrating--as I am much more modest so I don't get it--but it's certainly not something that will change I'm guessing so we'll just need to get over it!
What I have a problem with is the timing and lack of respect for my time--to wait until this point, especially since I later found out she had asked one of my SIL's to do the same--but weeks ago and she's already ordered things online and they've been delivered there. It's as if my MIL's time is more valuable than mine. We all have the same amount of time in a year to plan for the holiday-- I purposefully planned ahead so that we could enjoy some of the events of this season within our community and at school and with friends.
Also, we ALL exchange wish lists (the whole family) so no, those were not unsolicited. And they are always just suggestions or idea starters to let everyone know what the kids are into at the time (i.e. are they into Legos? are they into drawing/art? are they into board games?) not a specific shopping list.
To those of you that mentioned being concerned about our aging parents overall health..thank you. You are right...my inlaws and parents are thankfully in very good health for their age but they are aging and sometimes are not just up to doing the same things they used to. That is something to keep in mind and keep tabs on.
To all of you that provided helpful suggestions, thanks again!
Make it easy one stop shopping and buy a family membership to the zoo or museum, or gift cards for the movie theatre. My MIL buys us a family membership for the zoo every Christmas. I pick it up and she pays me for it. She gets the credit.
I'm in the camp of not seeing it as that big a deal. Christmas isn't the next day and she didn't insist on a certain type of gift that is time consuming to get. Sounds like she's also hosting so isn't that work? You likely don't care for her and that's probably justified but may be causing you to be angrier than is warranted. Annoyed and an eye roll I can see. But not so worked up bc it's disproportionate to how long it takes to pick up some gift cards. My mil does very veryl little for my kids. It bothered me only bc I feel like it's a reflection on how everyone comes before my husband in his family. I've pointed that out to him but it's his issue to deal with. I worry about own parents. My kids will know someday what their grandparents are like. The good and the bad. So let her not look great bc she didn't get a thoughtful gift. Her problem and realistically you don't have to spend more than 10 min on it.
omg you already said ok. She is a total bleep for asking you to do that...holy moley no words....
never say yes again.
do gift cards.
get her coal.
If this is your biggest problem count your blessings. Is it really thAt much of a problem to stop at Target etc. if you are that put out don't do it.
It would be extremely tacky and mean spirited to tell the children that the gift from their Grandmother was actually one that you shopped for and that Grandma didn't actually do anything for them for Christmas. And what purpose would that accomplish? Unless you want to drive a wedge between your children and their grandmother?
Instead, in the spirit and meaning or the holiday, graciously provide gifts for your mother in law to give to her grandchildren.
This is not about you or your husband - but about your children and how you want them to perceive the holiday and the adults in their lives.
Take a deep breathe and go shop.
Oh no!!! I would simply say, "I am sorry, but that won't work for us. Our days are already packed full and I can't fit any extra errands in."
If she presses it I'd just tell her that you're sorry that she hadn't budgeted Christmas shopping for her grandkids into her calendar, and not offer any remedy.
ETA: My mom doesn't have much to spend for Christmas gifts, and she lives 400 miles away from us, works a FT job, cares for my 92 year old grandma, my 28 year old schizophrenic brother, etc., but she ALWAYS makes the time to shop for her 6 grandkids. She's thoughtful about it--always has been, even when we were kids. THAT'S what counts--putting the effort into it. Your MIL is being manipulative because she knows that your mama heart won't allow your children to be hurt by their grandma's thoughtlessness--that's why I say refuse to do it. I can't stand blatant manipulation, especially when it causes such an inconvenience to others.
I think you are being too nit picky about this. Be thankful that your in laws WANT to get something for your kids!!!! And why on earth would you want to announce to your kids later that you bought the gifts instead of the grandparents? That sounds ridiculous to me. Why would you want to do that? Do you want to make them look bad in your kids eyes just because they made you mad? I suppose you could have a huge family fight about it, but why? Your shopping is done and half wrapped. So just go get some gift cards and be happy. Sounds like you have a great idea for your daughter anyway.
Ask her to send a check, combine funds, take the kids on an outing sponsored by Grandma. I would not involve the kids. Grandma provided the means for a gift. Buy the gift. Leave them out of it.
ETA: I would encourage the children to greet guests, but if they were in a middle of a game, it could wait a moment.
If it bothers you that she would take credit, then do something as suggested or pass the errand to your DH. It's his mom, right?
Wait a second! I'm sorry - this is about YOUR CHILDREN and you are upset? Do you know how many women would LOVE that their mother-in-law be present and active in their kids lives?
I'm shocked at all the answers from people who would say "NO". Are you kidding me? If your mom asked you to do this, would your response be the same?
At this point in time, none of our relatives live near us. We do NOT send out wish lists unless asked. I am HOPING that the wishlist you sent out was requested and not just given. And to save on shipping? They (both sides) give us checks or put money in our account and we use it for the the kids or a family present. Our boys KNOW who gave them what. So what if I did the leg work? it's for my kids.
Got a check in the mail from my MIL yesterday. This is the way we always do it. Honestly, I like to spend the money as my husband and I see fit. I get the kids some things to open from her and spend the rest on holiday "stuff" that always comes up.
If she's paying why are you so upset? Just have to buy a couple more things or gift cards at her expense. Who cares who gets the credit, I mean she is paying right?
My Mother In Law would send me a check and tell me to buy the boys what they wanted/needed. It saved her shipping and the hassle of going out. This also kept her in check. She died in 2006 - and before that - it took us 3 or 4 years to get her to STOP sending so much -really - we would get a box each..and the box was HUGE - like a moving box - 28" square - huge - filled with stuff...it would take us all day to unwrap presents and the kids were young - they couldn't get through it all without melting down. So personally? I would prefer it!!
My parents did the same thing (send us a check not oodles of stuff). I don't mind doing it. Since my mom died in September, my dad gave both the boys checks and a card - which are under our tree.
Does it mean that he doesn't care? Nope. For us, it means that he doesn't know exactly what they want - my dad is NOT GameStop material!! LOL!!
Any way - I'm sorry that she threw this on you at the last minute. I would ask her how much she wants to spend and how she's going to get the money to me. That might settle that!!
Just breathe. If you're just going to do gift cards it shouldn't be a problem. And no, don't mention to your kids that you did the shopping.
"What is most frustrating to my husband is that she will take all the credit for our effort." Is this a contest? Do you really think she should say "I didn't have time to shop for you, so your parents picked up the gift cards for me." And if she does, do you think your kids will really care? Do you expect them to gush all over you because you picked up some gift cards for them from grandma.
I think you just need to breathe and get some perspective.
If you dont want to do it just say no. You can say no and people will still keep breathing.
This is beyond rude. She does this because she continues to get away with it because you all have allowed it. I would have said, "sorry, I can't, I have way to much to do, just like you do, and I'm running out of time. Why don't you go ahead and stick some cash in a card for each of the kids, they can open that and I'll take them shopping so they can pick out something from you." Done, end of story. I would not play into her games and put a stop to it real quick. Sorry you are going through that but all of us moms are stressed out and that is crappy that she is doing that. Good luck.
I do this for my own Mom every year. And I make sure she and my step-dad get 100% of the credit. My husband is in on it - she sends us money and we do something the boys will love from "Grandma and Grandpa". She's a bit more timely than this though.
Can your husband do it? Any reason not to tell her you're at your wit's end and can't do it? Or that you'll get her son to handle it since you're tapped out but would LOVE to conspire with her with a bit more notice next year?
Is this about more than this? Why shouldn't she go see her daughter for no reason? How old and healthy is she? Will she get to do that again - ever? Is the tired?
Trust me, I know what it's like to have a hateful (drunken, angry) in-law to handle, but maybe she's just getting to the point where this is hard for her to do? I don't know if this is your MIL being unreasonable (to me, this isn't), you being super stressed, or both. But I think you are super stressed REGARDLESS, so deep breaths, tea (or wine), and if my questions seem appropriate once you've reached a quiet place, perhaps they will help. Only you really know if I am way off base, or if a change of perspective is all you need.
*hugs*
Two words - gift cards. If she doesn't like it then next year she can buy the gifts herself.
ETA: I would guess that those who don't see this as a big deal probably don't have an in-law like this who takes credit for everything. It's not that she's taking credit for your effort this once, it's that she repeatedly does it. Considering this action individually fails to acknowledge the full impact of the pattern. My MIL is like that. She doesn't take credit, but every.single.conversation has to circle around to her in some way. It's tiring. I love her dearly, but I'm beginning not to like her any more because it always has to be about her. Always.
Sorry not sure what the big deal is, I would cut her a break and be appreciative over what she is doing.
Also, I would embaressed if my child didn't come over and greet a family member when they came over. I don't think it is an unreasonable expectation for her to have that her grandkids would come say hi when she came over. My goodness, Cut her a little slack.
Relax. My husband and I often end up buying the gifts for our kids from our parents and they pay us back. I get what you're saying, but I really don't think people our age have any idea what it's really like to age. I every now and again look at my parents or in-laws, who are all healthy and active and "young" for their ages - and the reality that they are in their late 60s and early 70s will really strike me. They're getting old. It's a lot to try to keep up.
Cut her some slack, be gracious, pick out the gifts, and let her take the credit. These are your kids and their grandparents. There is no need to keep score.
Ok, I haven't read any of the other responses yet, but can you just go on Amazon, order everything, have it shipped to your house and be done with it?
I have done about 90% of my shopping on Amazon, and I have to say I am so much more relaxed because of it. I can't get everything there, but I've gotten quite a bit.
Yes she is rude for putting this burden on you BUT I'm really put off about how you are so worried she is going to take credit for your 'effort' and the need to 'let the kids know'…..I just don't get it.
My husbands grandparents send me money to buy the kids gifts, I have no interest in letting them know that I do all the leg work and wrapping.
Sorry but you sound just as bad as your MIL.
Give the kids cash
Agree with everyone else. Buy gift cards...everyone will love those...even our 4 year old. So do that and don't worry about getting the credit or not getting the credit, like everyone else said, its about Christmas and Grandma actually loving them enough to send money for a gift.
My mom's parents have ALWAYS sent my parents a check to shop for them. With us being raised in the military, we were always moving and it was easier for everyone (adults) that way. All we knew was that our grandparents gave us gifts. I wouldn't have wanted to know anything else - so I suggest to leave the kids out of this. It will only make you feel better to tell them.
I get the frustration over the "who gets credit" issue, but does it really matter if the kids are happy? Did you get them EVERYTHING on their list? If not, get something from that. If so, then gift cards are fine. Or like another poster suggested, combine the money and go do a family thing with it.
I would say no. Simply say "no." You don't have to justify reasons why, but you can keep it simple and say, "We have so much on our plates right now and we really can't fit it into our budget. You're just going to have to handle it, Mom."
EDIT: I just saw below responses, and I have to say I'm shocked. I guess I'm a Grinch, but I don't think Granny here is being fair at all from start to finish. I don't think it's "in the Christmas spirit" to do what Granny is asking. Granny is 100% capable of doing it herself. If funds are an issue for her, she can buy smaller this year just like everyone else has to. It's not about bailing her out or even getting your children something from Granny that your children would like. It's "how about Granny puts some thought into this and shows her family she cares?" FROM START TO FINISH. Right now you all seem like an afterthought.
Wow!
But the 'wow' is for you, not MIL.
You are ungrateful and MIL probably can do nothing right in your opinion.
What's the big deal?
What credit will she get for "all your work"? Get $10 gift cards. Period. They'll see an envelope with a $10 gift card and say "Thanks Grandma." And she will SEE that doing this just gets her only THAT.
You do NOT have to go to any trouble. You shouldn't go to any trouble. It's just that simple. Next year if she does this again, you will know that she doesn't care about what she gives the kids.
This is really easy. Make it easy.
Just give the kids gift cards or money. She clearly didn't put much thought into what she wanted to give them, why should you?
I would do that, and I wouldn't feel bad or stress out about it either. This was your MIL's call, not yours.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. As if you didn't already have enough of a headache getting your own stuff ready. My opinion is to call you back and let her know that you won't have time to do that for her. Tell, her that if she'd have given you a little more notice, you would have been happy to help but since Christmas is only a few days away if she'd like to get your children something, she can give them money and you'll take them shopping to buy what they'd like after Christmas.
Edit: I posted my reply (above) before reading any of the other responses. I'm really surprised by how many people think she's overreacting to this. Christmas is in SEVEN days!!! Why should this mom suffer for her MIL poor planning when she planned ahead and finished her stuff to ensure she wouldn't be frazzled the week before Christmas. The MIL should be able to do any of the quick shopping ideas (cash, gift cards, Amazon) that others suggested. I don't understand why this mom should have to do it?
Good luck to you and merry Christmas!
L., you have received a lot of responses and I have not yet read them. I do understand how frustrating it is when you try to be organized in an effort to not be stressed but nobody else can be bothered. My in-laws always get back to us at the last minute regarding food assignments and it drives me nuts.
Anyway. I am sure there are a lot of different ways to handle this but the fact is you are probably just as busy if not more busy than your MIL. I would call her back and nicely explain that you have realized how busy the rest of your week is and you, in fact, are not able to help her with this. The end. (I would only do this if she has not sent you the funds to buy the gifts). Put it back on her. If she does not get the kids gifts, oh well- they are getting plenty from you and your husband, right?
I am learning a lot about boundaries and being a people pleaser. It is never a good idea to do favors for people when it is going to cause yourself a bunch more stress. If MIL had been sick or disabled...that is one thing. Being too busy due to a vacation and a party? It is not your job to bail her out. Just tell her "Oh, I am not able to take care of that for you."
My MIL was a lot like that, too. So frustrating!! Also, she wouldn't even pay us back, even when things were tight because of birthday parties, gift bags, etc....What I did one year was put on the package: From Grandma, Grampa, Mom and Dad. I think it kinda hit home with her because she didn't ask us to do that again. Might work for you, plus your kids will know that you had a part in it and it's impossible for her to take all the credit.
Doesn't this make you feel petty? I hated feeling like that but knew I was in the right! arrrrgh. Best of luck!
I am going to channel my older daughter to answer this one. After all she is a teacher in KC, spends what little free time she has gathering information from me as to what her little sibs want, and then spends all of her December free time gathering those gifts on behalf of her grandparents and her father.
Yeah it sucks but it would suck more if they didn't get anything from their grandparents and their father.
In other words she does not do it for the convenience of her father and his family, she does it for her little brother and sister. She brings everything to my house and we wrap. I do not care that she is using my time and wrapping paper either because it makes my kids happy.
Before my divorce I used to do grandma's shopping, I would still do it but they don't trust me to get the perfect gift.
Really though I am rambling, the point is you do it for your kids. Ask yourself how would you feel if they got nothing from grandma? Sparing your kids that is what you should focus on, gets my daughter through this.
She is giving you the money, right? Divide it among the kids, and tell them that their grandparents gave them a shopping spree of $X amount and you will take all of them to get their present after Christmas. Then you won't even have to go to the trouble of buying gift cards, and they won't get the credit for a gift you bought. The kids will then KNOW that they themselves are the ones who get the idea for the gift, and your in-laws only get the credit for sending the money.
I just noticed that you've posted an update,so I guess you've got it figured out! Good luck!
I just did this for my husbands grandparents. They live 2 hours away and they were not able to come down here or us or my mother in law to go up there to help them with the shopping. She informed me she was sending money and how much was to go to each kid.
I made it simple. I ordered a gift card for my daughter and a few things that my son wanted that I had not yet picked up. They know they got items from them and they are wrapped and under the tree already. I put the grandparents names on them so that they know who it is from. No harm. I then called and told her what "she" got the kids.
I do not understand why you can't just tell the kids that those items are from Grandma. IMO you are making it seem like more of a big deal than what it is. Either that or I am just to used to doing it so that my kids can enjoy gifts that their grandparents are not able to shop for them. I also do this when it comes to their birthdays.
Now if you are not receiving the money from her directly then I could see you being upset. Other than let get the kids the money that she would have spent or gift cards and if she ever asks again tell her no.
Well - she asked.
Your choice is how to answer her.
Either you'll say 'yes' and bend over backward so she doesn't look bad or looks like she really cared about it when she didn't.
Or you'll say 'no' - sorry I don't have the time/money to cover this for you - you'll either have to scramble on your own to do it or the kids will go without anything from you this year - and they can draw their own conclusions about how much she cares or not.
She might expect that you (and/or everyone) should drop what ever you are doing so you can do something/anything/everything for her - but her expectations are not your problem and if I really did not have the time for it I would not cater to her delusions of grandeur - the queen of England she is not - don't treat her like she is.
Looks like you have two kids and they're not that young. So that's 2 gift cards to get. I'm sure when they are in school you will have a minute at a store. My parents and inlaws often have us do the shopping too. What seems easy to us has gotten hard for them. If you had 5 kids and she wanted to give 1 or 2 actual gifts each which meant going to several different stores I can see being upset but getting 2 gift cards in the next 6 days doesn't seem hard at all... Like people have said, the grocery store has a pretty big variety. Some grandparents don't given anything. My MIL has done that too. I'd have been happy those years if she had actually given me money to buy them something.
I'd put the money into the college funds and buy each kid a book.
I hope she sent you money upfront, or you may never see it. Just an observation after hearing similar stories over the years.
When my MIL feels like she can't be bothered, she just doesn't do anything.
I'm not sure what method I'd prefer. On one hand, at least your MIL seems to care just enough to make a half-a**ed effort to make something happen. On the other, it's terribly thoughtless so why bother?
I usually have all my non-food shopping done by the first week of December. I have other obligations the week before Christmas so at this late date I'd have told her to put cash in cards and call it a day.
Added: I have no objection to the long-standing practice of Grandma sending a check and mom/dad getting gifts that the kids really want on her behalf. That isn't what is happening in L. T's situation.
She sends a check FIRST. You cash it. You go to Target to the gift card stand and do it all in 10 minutes.
She doesn't do the work, she doesn't get gushing.
That's messed up in my opinion. I would:
A) Tell her no. It's 6 days before Christmas and you are not her errand maid. She can have any excuse she wants. Not your problem. Your kids won't suffer from it, and maybe MIL will learn how to budget her time more wisely next time.
B) I was going to do a list, but I guess I don't have a B or C. ;)
My mom and MIL both asked me to do this for them this year. My mom is coming here and I told her I would get them both one thing from her. I got those 2 gifts and it turns out she has had fun shopping for little things for the kids (she tells me things she is getting when we talk on the phone). My MIL asked me to do this too this year bc she does not know what to get. I do NOT want to do other people's xmas shopping for them. I told her, sorry, but I don't know what to get them either (not exactly true, but come on!) and that she should have the fun of either picking something out herself or just get nothing. Either is fine. I said it nicely. She visited for a week over Thanksgiving and on the last day of her visit I told her a couple ideas I that popped in my mind of things the kids might enjoy. She was happy with those ideas and was planning on doing her own shopping when she left. Definitely set boundaries....call your MIL and tell her you are soo sorry, but you are not going to have time to do shopping for her.
Why can't your husband buy the gifts from his mother?
Suggestions..
Pick a a museum and purchase a family membership.. He could even order it online..
Or Tickets to an event?
Or go and get a bunch of PJs for each child..
He could go to a book store and purchase arm loads of books. The sales people could help him.. If they are duplicates, he can take the kids back to exchange them..
Texas Renaissance tickets for next fall.. they can be ordered online. Have you husband purchase toy crowns for the boys and the girls..
He could purchase a family tent, sleeping bags and flashlights, so you can all go camping every 8 weeks this next year.
First try to take a deep breath! I understand why you're frustrated but it's really not worth your time or energy to get so worked up over something you can't change. Maybe you can suggest that MIL picks up gift cards for the kids (she certainly should have a half hour sometime during the next week to go to the store and buy a few gift cards - I was at Walmart this morning and they had gift cards to many, many different stores so it's not as if she has to go to each individual store) OR she just gives the kids cash with a few suggestions how she'd like them to spend it (movie tickets, manicure/pedicure, toys/games of their choice, etc).
Gift cards. End of story.
Now if you want to do the pedicure I think that's fine too. But if daughter asks I would just tell her that Grandma needed some help with ideas and gift coordination this year.
It is rude, but I wouldn't give her anymore attention over it (even negative attention).
BTW is she paying you back?
Take that deep breath.
I'm not sure about your and your husband's relationships with his parents, but here's something to just keep in the back of your mind... she may just not be doing well.
Or, you might be right in that she is flaking out big time.
So, I'd go with easy picks for the kids. Gift cards are fine. If SHE is asking you to do it, don't double-check with her. Just get the gifts and have your husband ask her for a check for the total.
If the kids find out--on their own-- that you helped, that's okay. I wouldn't make a point of mentioning it, but if it comes up, just "Grandma said she needed some help this year, so I got to pick out something extra for you." Being gracious will make the kids feel MORE loved and not uncomfortably in the middle of the adults issues.
The other thing which could happen is that your husband could just matter-of-factly state to his mom that it was an inconvenience and that he would appreciate it if she acknowledged your efforts and that it's disingenuous for her to pass it off as her effort. But that's a conversation he's going to have to have with them on his own. You mentioned that he thinks she'll take credit for the effort- if that's the case, my guess is that there's something bigger going on with her personality and that better boundaries are needed for the future, including handing conversations like this off to your husband. Sorry-- do the best you can for now, for the kids. And if you are swamped with stuff to do, her 'gifts' can come a day or two late. You are doing her a huge favor.
I understand your frustration. Each year I feel like I'm coming up with a grand list of ideas for our family to get our kids, complete with links to online shops to make it easier on them. Basically I'm doing the shopping for 5 other people, along with wrapping the gifts when they are delivered in the mail. For several years I was really bitter about it, but this year after the initial stress of coming up with detailed lists, I feel at peace with it. I don't mind the wrapping at all and feel good knowing how much my kids will love and use the gifts. I am grateful that they are getting presents from family. Now, part of my peace comes from being able to handle all of this over the last month, which is not possible for you. I'd definitely put the money toward experiences with the kids and let them know that Grandma gifted them the event. Then there's no shopping. Anyway, I completely understand what you are going through. It's frustrating, but maybe you'll do it so often, you'll start actually enjoying it like me. Just call me crazy. Lol.
You're already so busy, I wouldn't add fretting about who gets credit for making your children's Christmas brighter to all the other things you have on your plate. She was inconsiderate and self-absorbed, but the real deal is that she wants to have something given to your children and you may have a better idea about that than anybody. Gift cards are a wonderful idea and that way they can take advantage of the after-Christmas sales for things that they truly want. It's Christmas - breathe deeply and try not to mind so much. After all, we have shopped and given credit to Santa for the work we've done for many years, so it won't hurt for you to be the elf that makes the Christmas magic happen for your in-laws this year.
Before you mentioned it, I was thinking you should just get them each a Visa gift card.
Tell her what to get them, but make her do the leg work. Tell her what salon to get a certificate from etc. even if she has to call it in and have it mailed (if she is not local). Disarm her by saying, "ohh, yes its really hard to think of what to get the kids, and I know what they like, I'll help you with that." But then be honest why you aren't going to do the whole thing for her: "But I'm going to let you do the leg work because I cleared this week so I would't have to be out shopping the week before Christmas when we have so much going on."
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update: now that I've read some answers, I see why in-law relations are so much more strained than they need to be. Feeling irritated- sure. Acting out on your feeling by refusing to help when she has asked for help? Not cool. Many of these suggestions just make me sad. Find a way to help her that does not totally put you out. If you don't, its the kids that suffer
Your Husband should do it.
It is his, Mom.
Tell her no.
No can do.
Sounds like a relative I have.
What a drag, right?
just wondering were the wish lists you sent out solicited? to re word that, did anyone ask you for a wishlist for your kids or were you being push about it and they aren't happy about being told what to buy.
If this is something you have done all along and they have been fine with it, I wonder if maybe your MIL is depressed. That sometimes happens with older people.
I think the parents should be the shining stars on Christmas too w grandparents playing a side role. It makes me think about how I will be like as a grandma
I echo the nice, but honest, "no. I simply do NOT have the time to do that."
Offer her some recommendations for gift cards - heck she can get those at the grocery store now a days.
My parents who live out in BFE have a hard time finding presents for our LOs. The nearest shopping center is an hour away. However, they make it a point to ask me a month or so in advance to see what they are into and then they drive an hour away and back (2 hours total) to try to find something they might like. They then take the time to wrap each gift, package it in a box and drive another 20 minutes to the post office. They do this for their birthdays and for Christmas.
Next year - just say no. To me it's better that you don't set up false expectations for your kids in regards to how other people behave.
i don't get it.
my parents often asked me to buy for my kids on their behalf, because i knew better what to get them. it never occurred to me to be furious, or to 'let my kids know later.' let them know what? why is it important for your 13 year old to know that YOU got the nail salon gift card on your MIL's behalf? why do you care who gets the credit?
i just don't understand this at all.
khiarete
S.
We have 6 kids. This year my MIL asked me to tell her what to get the kids and also tell her where she can buy it. She didn't have any ideas. My mom and dad live across the country and rather than buy presents and ship them, she decided to send me a check, so I could do her shopping here and decide on the gifts. Did I mention we have 6 kids??? So not only did I have to come up with what we were buying for all 6 of them, but also my MIL, and my mom. We have so many relatives I still have to shop for and have no ideas for any of them. My husband is so busy at work, I have been solo this holiday season with gift ideas and shopping. I have done all the grunt work, shopping, etc. with no help from anyone and I am just tired. Really really tired. Counting down the days till this holiday season is over and I can finally relax. I feel your pain.
Then, your answer is no. Don't let this make you crazy. If she can't get it in time, then she misses the Christmas deadline. Leave it to her to tell the kids that she's late with gifts. Or has none at all.
At this point, I'd probably go buy each child a gift card from her. Then you can take them to use them and guide what they buy with them. :)
Grandma gets the "credit"... since after all it is her money. And you get the control.
But how lazy and rude. Everyone with kids knows that you HAVE to finish their shopping while they are still in school, you can't take them WITH you to buy their Christmas gifts. Sheesh. :/ Our kids are out Friday. Glad I am done shopping for them. If I got a call from a relative like your MIL's call, I would decline completely and just say "sorry, I can't. " OR I'd be honest and tell them the only way is if I just get them a gift card or give them cash, because otherwise they would see me buy it.
You could just tell her to send the kids a check. Kids love money depending upon age. The younger kids usually like actual gifts/toys.
You can, also, just send the kids gift cards.
You could just say no but in the spirit of Christmas, maybe just tell her you'll do it but you'll have to do it your way since you're busy & all done shopping. Plus shipping is horrendous at this time of year. Tell her I will mail gift cards to each child today (that way you can do it from home from YOUR HOME mailbox).
Are the kids old enough, like say teens who would appreciate getting money as oppose to gifts? if so, then put the money in cards and give it to them.. Otherwise, maybe let her know that IF you have time, you'll help, but otherwise your schedule is pretty busy...
Late chiming in... I was going to suggest buying them a cheap ugly sweater to be from her. ;)
The gift cards work or perhaps next time (if there is one) you can ask her to shop at walmart dot com and have the items delivered to the store. You can pick them up at one time. Hopefully the kids ages will work with that store. Glad it worked out.
Do you get grocery store points for purchasing the gift cards at your local market? I get gas points for purchasing gift cards at our Smith's. That gives me a discount on my tank of gas.
It is very rude of her to wait this long to ask you to do this. Honestly, tough I would prefer it. I do not prefer gifts cards. My kids are young and they will ot rest until they can use it. I have two family members that bought gift cards and requested that we set up a date before Christmas to give it to the kids. I do not want yhem to have them before Christmas-and this is just giving the kids the wrong idea. Ugh.
If they would give me the cash I could pay for activities I know they would enjoy. The nail Solon idea was a good one. I have a daughter that keeps asking me when we are going to sky zone (place that has wall to wall trampolines), I could think of quite a few activites my kids would enjoy and appreciate-that would give them something to do over the winter break (this I would appreciate).
