Not a Parenting Question, but a Question About My Parents

Another one here that would take my kids out of school. We have done it many times, kids of all ages, even in HS. They will remember this vacation forever and I never worry about having my kids miss school. They can make it up. Vacationing at Christmas sounds like a nightmare to me...expensive and too busy to enjoy anything!

oh man...she sounds like my mother-in-law....hours to open presents that were great, but not well thought out...we told her our kids would prefer her PRESENCE instead of presents.

She's dead now and my kids don't have a lot of memories with her. Why? Because she'd rather spend $500 on gifts than $300 on an airplane flight here. We FINALLY convinced her (the last two years of her life) that PRESENCE is much better than PRESENTS.

Tell your mom what your budget is. Tell her WHY you cannot do January - education is important!

Good luck!

I'm an only child and my 2 kids are my moms only grandkids. So I get that part of it. My mom also shops a lot for Christmas but the issue is that she gets ALL of us a bunch of junk we don't want or need. And she can't really "afford" to spend what she does, she's single and should be retired but still has to work at the age of 69 because she can't live within her means.

A few years ago I finally, nicely, tried to tell her that we ALL needed to cut back financially and we were going to be getting the kids only FOUR gifts each: a want, a need, a wear and a read. And we said that for that to work, she really needed to only give the kids 2 things ONLY. And we told her my husband and I didn't need anything but if she wanted to give us something, gift cards to restaurants and movies would be awesome since that's what we like to do on our dates. She was relieved and said she was "broke" so that would be great. I then jokingly said, well, then we will give you cash and you can buy what you want! And she was all for it so we did it! I hate shopping and I'm not good at it but buying the kids only 4 things, my husband a couple things and my mom cash REALLY freed up my shopping responsibilities and it was soooooo much nicer and less stress!

Then last year right before the holidays I stumbled upon "living simply". Google it. It really made me reevaluate every thing I have and every purchase I make. Since January, I have been downsizing EVERYTHING...including the people in my life that were not a positive influence for me. Boy has that been a change for the better!

So I'm telling you all this because it's time for you to have a serious talk with her. Google the living simply articles and read them, then implement them. That should solve the volume of gifts. If you downsize enough and donate what you don't need or want any longer, including her gifts, then she will likely stop giving so much on her own. But you have to warn her first.

As far as the trip goes...you had good intentions offering a local family trip. She wanted to go above and beyond like she always does. That does NOT mean you have to do what she wants. You need to explain to her that you can do a trip that is within your $500 limit and if she can't do that then you can't go. When you save up $5000+ for the big trip you will let her know.

Even if you guys went on a trip, any trip, she would still give you a bunch of stuff on the 25th because you are not addressing THAT issue with her. I think if you tell her you are simplifying your home and life and the things in it and want to teach the kids the same and she needs to respect that with her gift giving then that will mean you are giving her boundaries. If she chooses to not respect the boundaries by buying a ton of stuff, then you can donate the excess GUILT-FREE. And if she asked what you did with Suzie's 10 foot teddy bear, you can honestly say that it was too much and you asked her not to over do it so you had to donate it. That is the consequence of the decision she made.

That is what I would do but that is the path I'm on now and my mom was all for it when I talked to her about it. Now with the holidays coming up, I'm going to remind her not to over do it and we are doing the 4 gifts again and that's it. I hope you find something that will work for you. Good luck.

I love to shop. I also like to find bargains and do much of my shopping in thrift stores. I find things my grandchildren enjoy for less money thar way. I spend a lot of time with them which helps me know their interests.

I suggest that perhaps you could have family discussions to decide together on a financial limit. Perhaps have the kids give her a list of their interests and ideas to help her to give more useful gifts. I suggest having more than one conversation to give her time to think about it and add her ideas. Include your values in the conversations.

Your idea for a trip to a nearby location is good. She liked the idea of a trip. I would include ideas for a trip you can afford. If she isn't able to accept any of your choices, go ahead and plan the trip. Invite her. Tell her how much you want her to go

You take charge. You do what you want to do. Encourage her to be part of the decision but don't require her agreement.

Perhaps, she has developed the expectation that you will go along with what she wants. Perhaps, as many grown children, you make decisions in an effort to make her happy. I still have a need to please.

Over the years, i've learned to recognize when I'm more focused on making someone else happy than on making myself happy. It's just as important for you, your husband, and daughter to be happy as for her to be happy. Each of us are responsible for our own happiness. I suggest your mom, by crying, is trying to make you responsible for her happiness. I suggest that when you present ideas that give you pleasure and try to include her in choosing one of those plans, you are showing love. Your different possibilities gives each of you responsibility for your own happiness.

Have you told her that even tho you appreciate her thoughts about gifts, you would appreciate more if there were less gifts and that the ones she gives be more related to your interests? If not, I'd include that idea in conversations.

This change will be a difficult adjustment for all of you. She will fight the change. You will feel guilty. In the long run you will be happier. Her happiness is her responsibility.

We ran into this with my MIL. Even the tears.

I love Marda's advice. We couldn't get my MIL to reign it in until we realized that this really was about her need to shop to fill a void. And she got a bit childish (cried) when she felt we were trying to take it away from her.

We ended up having to take Christmas back. It was not easy. I like Osohapi's advice on keeping it simple. That was our approach. We limited our gifts and explained that it was awkward to have Grammy bring over more gifts than Santa had left. My husband said that if needs be, he would keep the extra ones for later (Boxing Day) because we didn't want Christmas morning to be about piles of presents.

We're still working on it - my MIL has some mental health issues including depression. She used Christmas shopping as a way to be happy and felt we owed her that. I get why she feels the need (it gives her something to look forward to and she enjoys the thrill of shopping) but it's not allowed to take away from our family's experience. We had to stand up for ourselves.

My MIL has been trying to get us to go on a $$ trip for years (same to Florida) which again, is kind of this childish need of hers. We have just stated that our kids' future college needs are more important to us. Usually I leave this up to my husband but if she confronts me I say "I understand you would love to go there ... but we have to do what works for our family." I have also said that I feel it puts pressure on us financially and puts the idea into our kids' heads, and that's not really fair to us.

Good luck :) hard one, you should keep us posted. I think many of us have this problem.

You and your Mom are LONG past due for having a heart to heart talk.
It is BEYOND ridiculous that she spends so much and your family doesn't use %90.
Can you get her to focus on the %10 that's meaningful and get her to put the rest of the money she spends into a college savings acct for your kids?
I know your Mom loves you/your family but the acquisition/giving of STUFF ISN'T LOVE!
It's more like obsession - and it's getting unhealthy.
If a good long talk can't get a better grip on this - she might need some therapy.
Also - a vacation is a good idea - BUT you both are way off the scale in opposite corners of the sort of vacation you want to share together.
Again - you're going to have to have a meeting of the minds on this.
It's not going to happen at all if you don't learn to sit down as adults and TALK ABOUT IT.

A "shopper extraordinaire" is not how I'd describe your mom, from your description. I'd say that someone who shops thoughtfully and finds amazing gifts, or gives gifts that cost very little but are memorable for a lifetime, or finds the perfect gift at the perfect time, is an extraordinary shopper. Your mom sounds like someone who simply likes to shop, and who values quantity over quality. There are all kinds of gift-givers. There are the "more is more" kind, and the kind who give the weird used stuff, and the ones who don't give any tangible gifts, and a million others.

If your mom enjoys mega-shopping, and has the money to do it, then ok. It's not necessary to compete with someone like that. And it's nearly impossible to reciprocate at that level.

Let your mom enjoy her extravagant shopping, but focus on establishing thoughtful gift-giving traditions with your family and your children. Gifts don't have to cost as much as the mortgage. They can be thoughtful and heartfelt.

Be honest, and simply tell her that you can't afford a trip over Christmas break. Don't ask her to change her habits - she probably won't. I'm sorry she cried and reacted in such an unreasonable way. We always hear, after a tragedy like the college shooting today, reminders from families to tell your kids you love them, to call someone you haven't called in a while, to spend time with loved ones, that time together is priceless, etc. Make sure that's the lesson you're passing down to your family, and simply teach your kids that you love them and you love their grandparents and that gifts and price tags don't equal love.

It's not up to you to create a situation where your mom won't be disappointed. It IS up to you to create a situation where your children will learn the value of time spent together doing simple things, gift-giving that is sensible and loving instead of based on a designated dollar amount, and that going into debt over a gift-giving "competition" or "tradition" is never smart. Make cookies with your kids, volunteer somewhere, donate unused stuff, and talk talk talk to them. Tell them that Grandma just loves shopping and you love her and will enjoy opening her many gifts, but it's not what holidays and family are about. Be brave.

If I understand the situation correctly, I think you are half-way to a solution. You and your Mom agree to spend money on time together. Perhaps you could agree to do two things. First, spend every Christmas doing a less expensive, but great time together. Perhaps dinner and a Christmas show, or a night at a resort close-by with a great Christmas brunch. At the same time, you could both be saving an agreed-on amount each year instead of buying presents, and when that money covers the expense, you could take the trip to Universal. Whatever you do, try to stay calm and keep talking, because I think you have the basis of a great tradition.

Updated

If I understand the situation correctly, I think you are half-way to a solution. You and your Mom agree to spend money on time together. Perhaps you could agree to do two things. First, spend every Christmas doing a less expensive, but great time together. Perhaps dinner and a Christmas show, or a night at a resort close-by with a great Christmas brunch. At the same time, you could both be saving an agreed-on amount each year instead of buying presents, and when that money covers the expense, you could take the trip to Universal. Whatever you do, try to stay calm and keep talking, because I think you have the basis of a great tradition.

Hello! I feel for you. I really do. My MIL loves to buy gifts too. It has gotten worse since my FIL died. Tyler is talking with her about this, and his brothers are right there too. It's a long road.

Since your mom is crying over this? I would take her to her doctor and see if she needs mental help. This is not something to cry over.

I know I wouldn't take my kids out of school for a trip like this.

B is exactly right. I'm kind of surprised that that more posters aren't zeroing in on the fact that she started crying because the timing doesn't work for you. There's something wrong with your mother. This is over the top.

It sounds like to me that there's some depression going on here.

Tell her it's too expensive and you can't afford it. Tell her you spend about $750 on them for Christmas/on all gifts for Christmas and that's the idea, to go somewhere together instead of spending that money.

I do think that part probably went over mom's heat though, don't you? The part about no gifts? She's thinking go out of town for Christmas and still have the great gift giving part of Christmas.

Another thing, can you have the kids make up a Christmas list maybe in August? Mention the list in a conversation with mom and ask her if she'd like to split it with you. Then she might have more guidance in her purchases.

She truly sounds like that's her love language and giving makes her feel whole. To take that away would be awful for her. But giving her a list to go by...maybe they would get some things they really do want to use, maybe 50% instead of 10%???

First, I would like to point out that since your mom loves the gift exchange so much, be prepared to accept that even if you do work things out to go on the trip, your mom will still bring gifts to exchange. It will be "just a few things" that ends up being a pile of stuff very similar to previous years.

As for the trip, you can tell her that you are sorry that your daughter didn't convey the message well, but that as you said, Universal is out of the question. If there is going to be a trip, it's going to be something short and manageable.

I suspect that as an only child, you are VERY used to trying to make your mother happy. Please try to realize that in this case, she is using tears to manipulate you. It is perfectly OK to be polite but firm and stick to your original plan - somewhere inexpensive in lieu of gifts or no trip and do the traditional gift exchange instead - no guilt needed on your part.

IMO you find something local that ties into the holiday and you do it on or right near the holiday otherwise your going to still end up with all the gifts anyway. Do you have a Gaylord resort near you? Symphony ? Ice dancing and ballet ?

You mom sounds so similar to my mom! But add in the fact that my mom is single, has no savings, no retirement, so really should live on a tight budget. Yet she loves shopping and giving too many (useless) gifts. She is constantly buying stuff. Multiply the trouble times 2 when we get together with my husband's family for Christmas with my mom. They do not believe in a big "greedy" gift grab and give 1-3 gifts total. They didn't even do gifts from Santa when I first met them. Now they do 1. They think Christmas is too materialistic and the focus should not be on shopping and gifts. We did quite a few holidays all together but now we keep Christmases with the two families separate. Don't feel guilty. Don't feel bad. Your mom is being selfish. First, don't feel bad if you are not into shopping and the whole giant Christmas gift thing. Tell your mom you like to do just a couple gifts to adults and ask her to try to do the same. If she does not listen (my mom can't do this), oh well you tried. Just give her the couple of things you got her and DO NOT feel bad about it. You have a very good point! Second, just tell your mom matter of factly that you cannot afford to go to Universal. Tell her she is making you feel bad. Tell her you cannot help it that you can't afford that and to stop laying on the guilt trip...it is not nice to CRY and make you feel bad. Tell her what your budget is and that is all you have to work with. You not wanting to disappoint your mom is starting to disrupt your life. You are not in charge of making her happy. It is not your responsibility to cater to her every whim in life. Please stop worrying you are disappointing her. She is being way too self centered and she is disappointing YOU with her poor behavior and her inability to think about YOUR feelings. She actually wants you to go $5000 in debt? That is crazy. PS - If I lived like my mom I would have a huge mountain of credit card debt.

I feel ya. Your mom sounds really sweet and you're totally not wanting to upset or disappoint her. And you said you don't want to say anything about the gift-giving, so I won't even suggest anything about that, if it's not a problem for you (or her financially) then let it be for now. My mom is really sweet, too, and it's so hard when I feel like I've disappointed her. I have come to realize that I end up feeling responsible for her happiness. She cries, too, and it makes thing really hard. She does so much for us, how can I make her cry! This sounds like your mom. So you need to remember that her tears are her business. You have already come up with really good solutions and alternatives to the trip you cannot afford. Let her know that those are your options and you are really excited to spend the time with them once she chooses one. It's tough when we fee in charge of our parents' emotions, especially when they are nice people. Good luck!

if it were me i would do the end of january trip and pull my kids from school. they can get the school work before the trip and work on it on the was there and back.

Why not talk to her about planning this trip in the future. Let her know you cant spend that much right now.

I would not visit any the parks in Orlando at Christmas, it gets so busy that all the parks tend to fill up fast.

Since she seemed happy to do a trip ask her where she would like to go that wouldn't involve the kids missing school and that you could all afford. Keep communicating with her and you will both come up with something nice.

oh dear.

i would totally do the take-the-kid-out-of-school thing and support her in making up the work, but i get why you don't want to.

i'm a little taken aback by your mother CRYING over it. wow. because i'd have done exactly what you did- counter with suggesting some trips that WOULD work and WOULD be within a reasonable budget.

i mean, i guess you could twist yourself into a pretzel trying to not-disappoint your mom. she sounds like a sweetie. but i think the most sensible thing to do is to a) plan for a reasonable affordable schedule-able trip despite her tears, and be resolutely cheerful, and try to jolly her into being excited about it AND planning for a universal studios trip down the road or b) go back to your old paradigm of mountains of unsuitable presents, which has the dubious comfort of familiarity.

it doesn't sound as if mom, sweet though she doubtless is, is giving you much room for reasonable compromise here.

ETA love osohapi's response!
khairete
S.

You have two issues here. The first one is the actual presents. My MIL used to be like this but has gotten a bit better since they have retired. She used to ask for lists from everyone...to the point that she just got obnoxious about it. Then, she would decide that she knew better than we did and refuse to buy from the lists that she insisted that we provide. They have less disposable income now that they have retired, so I think that she thinks more about what gifts to buy. Also, she doesn't know what toys the kids are into unless I tell her.

As for the trip, I think that it can be a great idea, but I would not pull my kids out of school for a week to go. I would draw a line in the sand and say no on that one. If she truly wants to do a trip like that, then plan it during one of the school breaks. It sounds like you simply cannot afford the trip she wants...you just have to continue to be honest on that. If she gets upset, then that's on her not you.

The end of January is exams here, so no way I would have my kid miss high school exams.

Surely your mom can understand "this is what we can afford and this is when we are available to go."