Mealtime/bedtime Battes

I am very strict on making one meal, and everyone eating at least a small portion of everything, no ifs, ands, or buts. Treats and snacks are only if you finish your plate...period. If you don't eat everything...don't even bother telling me you are hungry because you must wait until the next meal (even the next day if you are skipping out on dinner). If you did eat everything, then snacks are fine.

My kids know this, and eat GREAT. They are willing to try everything, and the only time we have any issue is when we eat at my mom's house as she panders to my youngest son's whims.

There are no battles because I NEVER back down. My best friend actually invites my son over for dinner to get her kids to try stuff (if he eats it and raves...they will at least try it). Otherwise she prepares three different meals (one for her and hubby, one for her oldest son, another for her youngest daughter, and the middle child eats bowls of sugared cereal EVERY NIGHT for dinner - he is in 2nd grade, and already has weight issues).

We have no picky eaters because it is isn't an option. It isn't about me being "the boss." It is about trying things, respecting that someone prepared a meal and you owe them the courtesy of trying it, not wasting food, and not allowing kids to continually assume that the world revolves around their wants and demands. It isn't a battle if you don't allow it to be.

have you tried giving her dinner to her one to two hours earlier. Then if she is hungry later you have time for a "bedtime snack"

My kids seem to eat more at 4:30 so instead of saying no to snack after snack I just give them dinner and later I would say 20% of the time they will ask for a bedtime snack later.

Hi A.,

I just wrote a blogpost about the very same thing!

http://skyteahouse.blogspot.com/2011/02/but-mama-i-dont-l...

Take a peek if you want a real-life account of how we handle it!

I am very clear with my son (nearly 4) that dinnertime is dinnertime. When we're done eating, it's for the day. Period. When planning meals, I make sure there are at least two things being served that he'll readily eat. And then, I let him make choices from his plate. After that, I primarily ignore the whining and "I don't like it"s. If it gets too out of hand, I just take my son to his room and tell him "I see you are not ready to eat what I have for you. You are welcome to come back to the table when you are ready to eat the dinner you have." This is not a punishment, because he's welcome to come back whenever he's ready. And we don't force anyone to eat anything on their plate they don't like... we just serve healthy meals, and what's eaten is usually just fine. I trust his palate will develop as he gets older, just as mine and my friends' has! :)

And that's it. No negotiating. No making separate meals. Nothing.
And he's NEVER gone to bed hungry.

That said, we also serve dinner about an hour and a half or so before bedtime. If my son is hungry before then, I often have a plate of healthy snacks (apple slices, carrots, almonds, whole-grain cracker or two, or a piece of spelt bread and butter) to offer him while he's waiting for me to finish cooking.

I think parents get into a trap of offering snacks after dinner. One thing you can do for your girl with the sweet tooth is to offer a 'backward dessert'. That is, serve the dessert *after the afternoon snack*, about an hour or two before dinner. My sister's family also has two days of the week that are regularly 'dessert days', and the dessert is served in the afternoon, so that it's not contingent upon finishing dinner. She also keeps dessert portions small.

A radical thing you can do is just put all the treats and snacky sweets away in a plastic bin in the basement, just so they're out of sight for a while. Makes them 'go away' for a while.

In regard to bedtime: you are the parent. Choose your optimum bedtime and stick with it. Our target is 7 pm, sometimes earlier when Kiddo's tired. But you have to drive the train on getting your child to bed. It's good to set the expectation at dinnertime that "this is what we are having, and this is the last meal of the day, so eat until your tummy feels full". Then, be a rock and stick with it. You will have to repeat this a million times ("No more snacks after dinner. Dinnertime is the time to eat.") It may take some nights of tears and tantrums, but when your daughter sees that you are taking charge and not giving in to her whining (which she's been conditioned to believe is a reasonable expectation on her part), she will likely push back at first (read: tantrums) , but eventually get with the program.

None of this has to be harsh on your part; your family has just gotten into a habit that's become problematic, and it needs to change. If you are taking charge with getting her to understand that dinner is dinner, and being consistent with "bedtime is at X, I know you want to eat, and it's time for bed. We had dinnertime already", thing will change. The most important thing is to make these changes YOUR discipline, even when they are hard on you and other family members. You are doing a good thing in helping your daughter develop healthy eating habits now, while she's young.

Best of luck! These situations can just take it out of us sometimes!
H.

PS- please be careful not to read that I'm starving my son before bedtime, either. As I mentioned, he eats dinner 1-1.5 hours before bedtime. He does not go to bed hungry! Nor does he stay up too late, so that's why I have this opinion on snacking after supper.

What if you gave her something maybe an hr before dinner, ie banana. Something healthy but this way if she won't eat, you won't feel bad about putting her to bed without dinner. I'm not saying give her a separate dinner but just something a little healthy and filling.

Also, I would try not to acknowledge anything else she asks for when she doesn't eat her dinner. If she says she's hungry say I will reheat your dinner and when she asks for something else ignore her.

The only other suggestion I have is have her help you plan the food for the day. So, in the morning you can say, you can have cereal or eggs for snack time you can have a or b and for dinner you can have....give an option of two meals you can make....then make a big deal at dinner and say wow this is going to be great daddy and I are so glad you picked this yum....blah blah. Also if there is anyway she can help by adding ingredients or getting the butter out or setting the table, she maybe more excited about eating what is made.

I heard some statistic once that said that you have to introduce a kid to a food 20-30 times before they really can decide if they like it or they don't.

That said, I'm all for not fighting with children. If you want kiddos to conform (especially strong-willed kiddos), you have to make it their idea to do so. Present her with an option at dinnertime. "We are having chicken for dinner." if she protests, tell her "You can have chicken or you can have a sandwich, you pick". If she pick the sandwich, don't despair--at least she's had dinner.

Now, if she wants dessert, though, she's going to have to earn it. Dessert is a privileged, not a right. So, if she wants dessert, explain to her at the table in a nonchalant FYI kind of way that in order to have dessert she has to have enough really healthy food to balance it out. No healthy food, no dessert. If she takes that deal, put a tablespoon of veggies on her plate and a bit of chicken or whatever and tell her that if she eats that (and her sandwich) she may have dessert.

This way, you're not denying her FOOD, just a treat and you won't feel as bad saying no. It is as simple as telling her "You didn't eat a balanced dinner, so no dessert. Sorry! We can try again tomorrow."

This is also a good time to talk to her about nutrition early. There's really good information for kids (and activities) here: http://www.mypyramid.gov/kids/index.html

Also, if she wants a bedtime snack, give it to her. It will help her sleep better.
Peanut butter toast and milk is good, or a banana.

Kids need to eat something about every 3 hours. In child care if they are evening kid they are required to have a snack around bedtime. It is normal for kids to be hungry about that time. If they have dinner at 5-6 then they need a good snack around 8-9. I would never make my kids go to bed hungry just to prove I am the boss.

If she didn't eat it the first time what makes you think heating it up will make it more appetizing. I used to be a real B***ch about food and eating what I fixed. I learned it's not that big of a deal anymore. Why make them grow up hating food and dealing with the stress associated with it.

I give the kids choices. They don't always eat what I fix, that just gets thrown away. They get snacks at bedtime regardless of what they ate at dinner. Dinner is over and so is that battle.

They get something substantial but not a full meal. They can have peanut butter sandwiches, even with jelly if they want it, they are going to brush their teeth anyway. I am sure we don't eat as healthy as most families here because we simply cannot afford to buy quality food. They can have leftovers, a sandwich, any food that is good and something you re comfortable with. I am not saying a simple banana or apple, a good snack is not those things. Snacks should have more than 1 food group in them. Yogurt and toast, banana and peanut butter sandwiches, (I give J half, or a fold over sandwich), grilled cheese and juice, anything that is filling that you are comfortable with can be a snack.

The more you battle with her the more she will battle back with you. She needs better choices, obviously, but you need to back down a bit and help make the meal time less stressful.

I make one dinner, and if my daughter doesn't want that, then she can have something easy like yogurt, a grilled cheese, bagel with cream cheese, etc. I insist on either fruit or veg with every meal, so she has to eat either one with it.

A few months ago my daughter was also telling us she was done after a few bites of dinner. In reality, she didn't want to take time to eat; she wanted to go play. I noticed she was asking for something to eat again right before bed and was really hungry. This went on for two nights before I noticed the pattern. After that, if I don't think she's eaten enough dinner, then I tell her a few more bites, please. I'm not force feeding her, or making her clean her plate, I can just tell if she's not eaten enough.

I wouldn't make food a battle. Maybe try either offering one other thing if she doesn't like what is for dinner, or having her help cook or choose the menu? Some kids like that.

Her tastes may be changing too. Things my daughter liked a year ago, she won't touch now. Maybe try adding a few new things? I would try to get her to eat more at dinner and then give her a healthy but filling snack before bed.

Maybe try telling her, "no sweets after dinner" and then offer an alternative that you know she likes. That way you'll know if she's really hungry or if she is just looking to get a treat.