Marriage Blahs

Go buy the book "5 languages of Love" - it's a great book and it sounds to me that you guys aren't speaking the same language... I know, I've been there...

Can't believe no one has said this go on a Vacation just thetwo of ya'll. A one. two or week vacation just the two of you will work wonders. My dh and I try to take a vacation every other year and the year in between with the children.

You wrote this "To the point I could care less if he comes home or goes and does something else in the evening." What if it's woth another woman? You should just try to watch TV together, play a game, drink wine and sit outside looking at the stars and holding hands.... No I'm not a romantic at all really. I just love to do the simple things with my hubby.

I have more to say but my kiddos are going nuts,,,

You are going through the 7(ish) year itch. I have been married for only 4.5 years but we have been together almost 8. Routine really started when our son was born and we just both fell into it. I was bored...he was bored. I would talk about how I felt and things would change for a day or two and then back into the same routine. So, we decided to go on vacation without our son. It think it was the best thing we could do. We have no family here and we work different schedules, so we raraly have time for each other, mush less ourselves. We talked a lot during that vacation and promised to not let things get that 'dull' again. We still fall into routine, but we both realized the value of not forgetting that besides parents, we are a couple and we are also individual people. So we try to take time for ourselves together and then we each try to get time for each of us individually. Sometimes I just need to go on a walk by myself. My husband will go fly an airplane for an hour or so (it is his hobby). Many people tend to forget themselves when they have children. We love our children and will do almost anything for them, but you can't forget that you are a woman and that your husband is a man and that you both have other needs than being parents...IMHO

My suggestion is to make time out for you two to do something nice something unusually to try and spice your relationship up. You will never find someone that you will love everything about them. Go to the spa its so much to do out there or you can stay home and pamper him. He is just use to the same o same o thats it don't give up on him.

Well,
First of all, you have to acknowledge how you feel and be ready to HEAR how he feels. Most men think if they REALLY tell us from their perspective, we'll be even more upset.
The truth is, men are way simpler than we are, and they don't always GET IT!
You need to spice things up, switch things up, etc.
Say no to a bday party that is getting in the way of family time.
Have a family night once/week.
Make everyone talk about their day at dinner.
Put the kids to bed and watch a movie together.
Turn off the TV!

My husband would flippin MARRY a TV if it had all the other parts he needed. I have to turn it off and insist he not watch all the time. He has always been a TV watcher, I'm not so much. In Iraq, they watch a lot of downloaded TV, etc... but he's home now. AND now it's WORSE... lol
But, we play games with our son, etc.
Each of you should get ONE evening to yourselves. You should get to take a bath, read a book and let him get the kids to bed. Pick a night a week.
He should be able to VEG and do what he wants one night/week with NO interruptions from kids or you... He should pick a night too.
Sometimes girl, you just have to ASSERT yourself as much in marraige as you would in business.
Write him little notes and tell him you love him. Put them in his lunch, etc.
Tell him you'd love for him to think of you and get a sitter, heck, I'll watch your kids. Lol
There are lots of ways, if you WANT to make things better.
Talk about it. Make a plan. Work through the kids adjustments.
GOOD LUCK!

T.,

I've been with my husband since 1986. 21 years. We are really compatible, but life is stressful in these times, and sometimes the stress shows up in our relationship. I'm surprised no one else has suggested marriage counseling yet. We were blessed when we found just the right counselor for us. Took a couple tries. And it's expensive. But, for us it's been working. After we go for a noon appointment, we have lunch together, and the conversation is always so much better. No fighting, no indifference.

You mentioned alcohol a couple times. It doesn't help, and it sounds like a habit. So I would make that a topic to look at.

Sometimes it's hard to hang in there. When your kids are still young is a good time to get professional help. It's really a spiritual path to stay in relationship for me. It's not easy, but I believe it has taught me invaluable lessons.

Of course, romantic evenings are VERY important too! : )

Hope the connection with all these mamasourcers lifts you up.

You should completely check out this book (and don't balk because of the title!)

http://www.amazon.com/Proper-Care-Feeding-Husbands/dp/006...

I've not read this one yet, but plan to soon:

http://www.amazon.com/Proper-Care-Feeding-Marriage/dp/B00...

Are you members of a church or other spiritual/religous organization? If so, I suggest you turn to them for assistance. Priests, Ministers, Rabi's, etc.. can often be helpful... they counsel people all the time and have lots of experience, they also do not charge.

::hug:: Don't worry! It happens to the best of us. :-)

Why don't you change up your routine a little bit? One night, surprise him with a candlelight dinner and a babysitter, or a movie and some pizza! Send the kids to a family member's house on a Saturday during the day and stay home in bed together! Or take a weekend trip as a family; go to a museum or a zoo or an NBA game!

Give yourselves something new to discuss. At this point in your marriage, there's probably not much that you don't know about each other, so get going on conversation about what's to come!

Good luck!

I would recommend checking out www.marriagetoday.org.

My husband and I have date night each week and it's awesome for us because our days are similar to yours...very long and busy. We don't always spend money, sometimes we just rent a movie and share popcorn on the couch. Just try to make time for each other. Good luck!

Dear T.:
At that exact same point in time, my now ex-wife felt similarly bored. We are both Caucasian, so she felt it would spice things up to go out and have all sorts of sex with a young black guy, who she later took home in my absence. Of course, the funds came from the family (me) and I made for a cheap babysitter at first while she partied.

My point is, this did NOT work. When I found out, it took me all of two weeks to find a lawyer and get the divorce started.

So whatever you do during this 'itch', please think twice before you look elsewhere. It is not worth it for you and detrimental to the kids (and hubby, in case you care). I am now single and doing the same as you, but I would prefer a bore on the couch to a cheater or even to being all alone.

Regards,
W.

How about a date night? Not just once, but a scheduled one for every week---whatever night works out best for you....you don't have to spend alot of money every time but it's important to just be together without the kids. Go eat dinner alone, go shopping together along, go see an adult (not kiddie) movie alone....before long, you'll start looking forward to these precious nights together. Find a babysitter that can do it weekly so it's all setup and you don't have to scramble every week to find someone reliable. don't fret, it's normal. I'm glad you're working through these feelings.

we are kindred spirits you and I, it seems all i can focus on now is the negative, as you said. I think we both need to reconnect with our husbands. after all it takes two to make a marriage work, My husband and I have yet to let our girl spend a night anywhere but at home in the 5 years of her life. It seems our marriage has become only about her, which is all fine and dandy until she no longer needs us as much, then where will we be? We both need to seriously consider perhaps, "alone time" with our men.

Have I got the thing for you! Check out this website.

http://www.lightyourfire.com/products_ind.cfm?catid=5&amp...

I used the "Light His Fire" audio cassettes several years ago before they came out with the videos. Dr. Ellen has some great ideas, advice and suggestions. She is also able to get you motivated to want to do some of the things she mentions. Best thing is she has a money-back guarantee. I don't think you'll be disappointed.

I feel for you, and at the same time in different ways understand how you feel very much.

As many of the moms here have said, we all go through some part of our marriage when we feel it's too much of a routine, and we get to the point were we just live and we forget to love the life we live.

We have to take responsibility for our happiness too, make sure we are happy, and the rest will come along. LEt your husband know that you all should try this, ask him what makes him happy, and let him know what makes you happy... it's better to talk about what makes you happy than what you all are doing wrong.

You waste time talking about what is wrong. Just do. I know this is hard because we always want explanations as to why, etc. It;s just the way we are, but in order to get the result we want, we should try this just once in our life without questions, just by saying what we wish, and letting them know they are loved. It will all fall into place somehow, try it.

Example:
The kids are happy seeing you both happy. Kids are happy going to the park once a week, and seeing parents enjoy that. Kids are happy seeing dad hug mom, and mom hug dad, and hearing them both tuck them into sleep. Kids are happy being reminded that they are loved once a day.

The woman is happy when she has time for herself once in a while, when husband comes to bed to cuddle, etc. while you are awake. Wife is happy when husband is involded as a family with wife and kids; playing with the kids, feeding the kids , and putting them to sleep.
Wife is happy when husband tells her she is loved, etc. Takes the time to hold her hand once in a while, etc.
Husband is happy when wifes is happy. Husband is happy when he gets to be a child once in a while, playing computer games, playstation, etc. It would make him happier if wife understood.

So, my point is, if you all say what makes you happy, without once saying what you don't want, I bet your conversation would end up in a change for the better.

Nothing is perfect, it takes work, and compromise. Together is the key.

It is definately worth it. Family is very important nowadays with so many things in the world, we should be more into our kids lives, etc, than ever.. As a family, husband and wife together, with much love, respect, and we should do anything we can to keep that peace in our family.

I wish you the best, and hope that you can turn this all around with love, undestanding, and compromise.

Here is something that has helped me a lot into helping myself have what I wish for in my family most of all.
http://thesecret.tv/
And if anything, pray for what you wish.

Best of wishes for your family's recovery into happiness.

C.

Hi there !
See if a friend or somebody can watch your children, get a night at a nice hotel & do some fun stuff ! get a hot tub in your room, spice it up that way ! go to dinner etc., possibly you need to change up the routine some ! do a surprise plan ! - guys like surprise's !
Also, I would keep an eye on that computer stuff, I had a friend who was in the same situation & her husband met some-one on the computer & was chatting quit often, then they were meeting etc., she had him followed, now they are divorced ! and she has 2 children. Always be one step ahead ! Good Luck ! ~

I have been married for 11 years going on 12 and if I had to do it all over again Yes I would marry the same one!!Question..How is your sex life and commuicatin line Is he your best friend Is he your fantasy Spice up the relationship when the kids are sleep act like you were in your 20 ty again pull out some old school music and dance just laugh together you have to sometime meet him half way instead of complaining about what's not enjoy what is remember what you would throw away someone else would love to have..count your blessin and think hard what would make you and him smile and try it or just do it....It will work...

T.,
I know exactly where you are coming from. My husband does what he can to help around the house then he "retreats" into his room where he is on the computer. What does your husband do on the computer? Is he playing games, maybe you could join him, don't laugh at me, but mine plays World of Warcraft and I have started playing as well after our daughter is in bed mostly just on the weekends, I don't play as much as he does but when I do, we are playing together. It gives us something to talk about other than work, kids and all the mundane things about everyday life. If you can't do that then be interested in his hobbies,(even if you really don't care if you show interest it will help.)
You said he drinks wine, maybe you can find out some interesting stuff about vintage wines and stage a wine tasting for yall one night.
Just food for thought.
Good Luck
:O)

Marriage blahs come and go throughout a marriage. We are at 17 years of marriage. The first year was by far our roughest. Our priest helped us through some rough patches. The 7 year itch happens in every marriage. Are you happy with where you are? Where you are going? Do you like your spouse? Do you pray together? Introducing God into your marriage helps more than you realize. Adding a flair of romance or time alone (planned dates) help.

He agrees because he is a man. What makes the wife or mom happy makes the family happy.... yada yada ya..

If you want a frank discussion, which I think you do. You need to redirect his and your actions. Work together doing tasks. Make a point of after the kids are down and he is done with kitchen duty that you both sit down together and just talk about your day, the weather, and eventually you will start talking about finances, sex, kids, and where you want to head into the future, goals...

You both know what works. You both know that you love one another. You both know that whatever tasks need to happen they will keep until you spend quality time together. You both know that marriage is a commitment. Complacency starts to happen and we can never assume that you can keep clipping along at a pace that is no longer suited for a growing family. Time spent as a family is a marvelous thing.

Pray, seek quiet for God to whisper into your ear and he will grant you the guidance you seek.

Blessings!!