Is There Any Hope for My Marriage?

Counseling's a start. I have no suggestions other than that. It's hard. I'm sorry. I empathize.

Reading below -- hmmm, date nights. Very true. I just heard on tv or somewhere some expert recommending frequent date nights and saying they were a necessity. Sometimes I wonder if a weekly date night doing something really fun might be more helpful than counseling, which is not particularly fun, especially if you have drifted apart.

If you both care enough to go to a counselor, and just don't know how to fix it, I think it DOES have a chance. Communication breakdown is so hard and so common. And once we get depressed and withdrawal, it makes it that much harder. But the fact that you both care and seem more lost than anything seems hopeful to me. I wish you the best.

Aaaaw, I think you're just fine. Marriage takes on a life of its own after awhile, you know? You forget you're actually in charge of making stuff happen.

We all have disconnects, and with a little focus, reconnects. It's awesome he's agreed to counseling. That alone speaks volumes.

Meanwhile, why not just say how you feel! I miss you, I miss us. I want to be into you again. What can we do to create that dynamic again. After all that's how the whole business started, right?

It's hard to put down all the outside influences and just focus and the US, the you and him. But I don't see anything in this post that suggests you can't if you try. If you both want it, then just have it.

Enjoy each other.

:)

You are both going to counseling.
Good.
At least he will... do that.
He is at a loss too. About everything.
Can't blame him, can't blame you.
Neither of you, knows what to do.

Just a tip: don't make him the "bad guy" in this. Or he will withdraw, further and give up completely.
Let him know you are happy he is trying.
Good luck.
Men are sensitive, too.
Or "shy" in saying how they feel.
For all you know, your Husband feels the same way, but like you does not know what to do about it or how.
You feel as you do.
But that does not mean, the Husband is to blame.
Men/Husbands, get afraid of being "blamed" too.
But it is a couple... issue.
Work as a team.....

Yes, there is hope.

And at least... your Husband is home. And comes home. Instead of just being out or going out all the time.
He, comes home.
He is just not engaged.

How is he, with the kids???
Does he have a Dad relationship with them, at all?

In any event, he seems at a loss.
And you seem at a loss.
So you are BOTH... at the same feeling, about things.

My 1st impression , is that you guys are just having a down time. I think most marriages experience it from time to time. The fact , that he is agreeing to counseling , is huge. My husband & I were very close to divorce & we turned it around. It took time but we decided to be committed to making it work. Do we still have rough patches? - yes but we work through them. I hope you all end up being happy again, whether it be together or apart.

I think your outcome sounds encouraging!
The counselor is trained to deal with exactly what's going on on your marriage!
Chin up, do the work & hopefully you will have a close connection once again.
Good for you for identifying issues and taking positive steps for a change for the better!
Good luck!!

There is always hope, but sometimes when I read the problems someone has on this site I think...... yikes, why don't you head for the hills girlfriend? But YOU......

Based on what you wrote I would say, "YES, there is absolutely hope for your marriage!" You both are bored, in a rut and it's typical. Where do you think the term "7 year itch" came from?

Go to counseling. Find a good one! Remember what it was that attracted you to each other to begin with and learn how to get it back.

I don't think you guys need counseling I think you just need to get out of your rut!
Seriously.
Go out and have some fun, together, no kids, either just the two of you, or maybe with some other couples.
Do what you did when you were dating: have a few beers and shoot some pool, go to a ball game, go see a hilarious movie and LAUGH, try a new restaurant.
Maybe you do need counseling, and there's nothing wrong with that, but I think a lot of what gets in the way of happiness in a marriage is simply FORGETTING how to have fun together.

You both have taken the hardest step by admitting and agreeing to counseling. Go asap, and pray. Make yourself talk to him. Make the effort, even if it's about his games or the weather. Open up and good luck!

Counseling is fine, but it sounds like you two have just drifted apart. Why don't you try doing something fun together! Go to a basketball game, play mini golf, family game night, whatever. I think you just need to bond again.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

Many marriages go through "slumps", then that slump leads to a total disconnect. And that's where your marriage. TOTAL DISCONNECT.

Start dating each other again. No cell phone, iPhone, iPad, Laptop, etc. just the two of you.

Start a family night where you COMMUNICATE and play games - and make it part of the routine. Wednesday night is family night in our home. We play games or we watch movies.

We eat dinner together every night. We TALK about our days at the dinner table. I am not going to say my marriage is perfect, it's not. But it works for us. Divorce isn't in our vocabulary. We have never put it on the table. Have I thought about it once or twice? HECK YEA! Even the strongest marriages go through strife.

It's a step in the right direction that he wants to go to counseling. He told you the truth - and sometimes that's REALLY hard to hear. But in my opinion? I think it comes from being disconnected from you as well. It's HARD to get back together after being distant. If YOU WANT it work? There is hope. Both of you need to want it to work.

Remember - this is the example you are setting for your children and their future spouses...it's obvious you don't want this for yourself, let alone your kids.

the marriage counselor will probably tell you guys to start from scratch. Dating each other. Writing a list of things you love, like, don't like and hate about each other and if they are deal breakers in your marriage. You MUST communicate. As hard as it is to hear some things - COMMUNICATE. Set rules for fighting - no below the belt things, don't bring up the past - you can't change it - you can only learn from it. Don't keep doing the same thing - it's not working so don't expect something to change when you are doing the same thing.

Tell him your expectations. Be prepared to hear his. You both can do this!!

GOOD LUCK!!

I think you should have all the hope in the world...it just sounds like you both are very bored, and that'll be an easy fix.

And even if you don't feel it, make those gestures anyhow. It's amazing what faking it can do...soon enough, you'll mean it again.

1) Sounds like there is hope based on the fact that both of you are interested in getting help to make things work.
2) Focus on finding a counselor who specializes in relationship coaching. My husband and I had one and she was fantastic at helping us learn how to reconnect and better meet each others needs emotionally.
3) Sounds like your husband is depressed. If he has no real interests other than burying his head in electronics, that is a sign to me that he should at least be evaluated for depression.

You two need to reconnect and find things in common again. You need to start communicating again and planning things together. Do chores together. Plan family outings together... even if it's just to run errands. Be sure to have meals at the table together. Fill the family time and make couple time so that he doesn't have as much time for the video games. Do little things that you know he enjoys, and ask him to reciprocate specifically with things you want. Don't expect him to read your mind, okay? Smile more at him, too. Hold his hand. Give spontaneous hugs. Tell him you appreciate his hard work. When he first gets home from work, greet him and then yes, let him play a little bit with the video games, but then when it's time for dinner or playing with the kids, turn it off after he gets up.

And if he agreed to counseling then DO IT. Definitely do it. That means he does care and he also wants it to change.

It's not easy, but it can work.

Sounds to me like you guys need date nights. Go to dinner by yourselves and with other friends. My husband and I always have tons of fun and laughs when we go out with other couples. Have something to look forward to like concert tickets, ball games etc. Have a wine and cheese date night in your family room. Talk about what made you fall in love with one another. Sounds like you desperately need to have fun together.

Get a CD called "Why Mars & Venus Collide"....my friend got it on Amazon

Try to do a date night outside of the home, every week.

Both of you write down, on separate pieces of paper, things you would like to do together, put in a bowl & pick 2 nights a week to do these things together; whether it be after kids go to bed or family things: go to a museum, go to breakfast, make dinner together, watch a movie, do a marriage workbook, play video games together, play cards or board games, do a project. etc all this can be done with kids or without.

Go to counseling too or even find a marriage workshop

Well, theres hope if you are starting counseling. It's a good sign if he agreed to it. Since you "don't know how to interact with your husband" or "feel love or loved" perhaps subconciously, you have alienated him. I know I alienate everybody if I'm not happy. You know the saying....Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy or a happy wife is a happy life. Keep your chin up, counseling is a great start. Good luck!

Yes there is hope because both of you are willing to try. Maybe start by having a special day and night with no electronics, tv, phone, games etc. Go have a meal together as a family and talk. Have a date night each week (just the two of you)...go for walks or even just grocery shopping. Don't go to the movies (YET) because that's just another place where you don't HAVE to communicate.

A lot of people get the Bible wrong and think God's says: "Wives submit to your husbands".....What He says is actually "Wives submit to your husbands, husbands submit to your wives".......It goes on to say: "LOVE one and other". Many marriages survive because folks realize that LOVE is NOT always easy.....it takes work in a marriage to keep on LOVING each other.

I will keep you in my prayers and may God bless and keep your marriage together and alive, filled with love and respect.

Hi there. I'm sorry you are experiencing this. And no, I have never been there, but I was thinking of something while I was reading your letter. I thought, as far apart as you and your husband seem, that when you said you wanted to go to marriage counseling, that he agreed. And he said he wants to be married. So now, be happy with knowing that he wants to be there with you, and wants to fix it. And make sure you find a marriage counselor that you both like, so you can figure it out and try to reconnect again. Good luck, too many people are too willing to just throw in the towel.

Would a marriage retreat be doable for you? I know people who have raved about Retrouvaille. It is run through the Catholic church, but you don't have to be Catholic to attend. It sounds pretty intense, but what do you really have to lose by going if it's your marriage and your family at stake?

Oh yes..there is always hope if you are both willing to do something about it. And...you both are agreeing to counseling..that is wonderful.

I have been married 16 years with 3 kids. A great marriage is a lot of work...and sounds like you both have not been working at nurturing your relationship.

Here are some things we do that help us connect.

~We attend church together.
~We find opportunities together to serve people around us. For example..today I am making some homemade loaves of bread today to take to some widows/widowers in our congregation. Last week we took some to our neighbors.
~We go on dates alone together. NOT JUST TO A MOVIE -where you sit in silence.
~We go away for weekend getaways each year.
~We go to bed together every night.(well 99% of the time)
~We BOTH make sure we are connecting together on a physical level...kisses ever day..hugs and sex multiple times each week.
~We eat meals together with the kids every night. At dinner we engage in conversation. Read scripture together for a couple minutes. ANd we take a few papers from the "question jar" that helps keep fun conversation going. I found this idea on the internet and just printed the questions,cut them into strips and put them in a vase. It is fun.
~We nurture each other's hobbies and encourage they spend time doing it. BUT...and this is a huge BUT...the hobby cannot suck up too much family/together time. I would be very leary of a video game hobby. We do play wii games together...but they are kids ones like wii sports resort. (Luckily my hubby abhors the idea of grown men playing countless hours at video games..so it is not a problem in our home.)
~We look for opportunities to give compliments to each other.

Everyone will experience ups and downs in marriage.

I think counseling will help give you each tools to work with. You will get homework assignments to do..if you both do them with the intent to make your marriage thrive then you will see positive results.

There is hope. I wish you the best!!
Good luck and best wishes!!

If you both recognize that there is a problem and you both want to fix it, then you should try.

Mom, rent the movie "Hope Springs" and watch it with your husband. Maybe it will help.

I do think that counseling is really important for you both.

Good luck!
Dawn

Ok, I have only been married 3 years, but sometimes I feel that my husband just plays video games or gets on the internet. It's gotten harder now with having a 6 week old baby. Part is my fault b/c I don't try to interact with things he enjoys...and I don't feel like being intimate most of the time b/c I'm tired and it's not a priority for me. I tend to be the one to do most of the housework. He will help out, but usually only if I ask him to. It is frustrating, but I still love him, and I know he loves me...we are just different. We like different things and I am Type A personality, where he is very laid back. I love schedules and hate change, and he just goes with the flow. It's hard, but we are still together and I think we both want to be together forever...we just don't know how to get out of the lull we're in.

Not that this post is very helpful for you, but maybe just knowing you're not the only one will make you feel better...? I think there is still hope...at least you are getting some counseling. If both of you are willing to work on it, then you are doing the right thing.

Look up Marriage Fitness with Mort Fertel. Cheaper than a counselor and the program itself will help you connect again. Since neither of you want to divorce because you have no anger issues with each other, you just need a little push making that love connection that everyone loses over time and if not actively pursued will taper off.

I'm not a romantic so I'm guessing neither one of you are touchy feel-ly people either and I've learned that you really do need affirmation even if you think it's silly. I thought it was awkward and silly to be lovey dovey but I've learned to do it and it does make a difference. Like Mort says, Fake it till you make it.

You've both acknowledged there's something wrong and you're not sure how to fix it. You've both agreed to seek counseling. YES, there's hope! Stick with it. Tell your husband you love him and you want to work on getting that spark back. Tell him you don't want to be his roommate, you want to be his wife. You'll be back on track before you know it. Good luck.

It seems like you both are just bored. If your husband is an introvert, antisocial and not the warm and fuzzy guy, then you are not going to get much out of him. I assure you though that you both are just comfortable with each other and independent, but neither of you are willing or able to take the chance to make the marriage exciting.

Tell him what and how he should love you, what makes you happy. If you do not complain or let him know, he probably thinks everything is ok, and therefore retreats to his "comfy" zone. Find something out of the ordinary to spice up your marriage and take the chance and do it. Divorce is not going to solve that problem.

Get interested in his video games, most of them have multiplayer. Get a couple of beers each, and ask him to show you how to play. I think he will love that!. It doesn't sound like your marriage is hopeless at all! It just sounds like you have lost connection and need a common interest.

i think the fact that youre both willing to go to couseling means that there absolutley is hope... youce been together quite a while..seems like youre kinda stuck in a rut.. i think couseling will make a huge difference
i think you two need to do something fun and spontaneous

I think you should have a lot of hope!!! A counselor will be great--and I'm so glad you both are on board with seeing one!

I agree with jessica. You just need to reconnect:)