Okay ladies. I just have to vent a little. I want to see if any of you have been here before and what you did about it. We have been busy everyday all day since last Wednesday and gone all weekend. This week my 4 year old daughter and I have been going to VBS every evening. My issue is this, my house is a total wreck. We went camping this past weekend, so we have that stuff still sitting around the house along with the regular everyday stuff that needs to be done. I work all day and then every evening this week I haven't been home to do anything. My husband on the other hand has been. The only night he was busy doing something was Tuesday. Monday he did one load of laundry and to this day it is still on the couch all folded. That is all he has done around here. He's been spending his time sitting on his butt watching tv. He usually takes care of the outside and I do the inside (we sit on an acre of land so this is fine with me) but with all the rain we've been having doing anything outside is next to impossible. I feel that he should have least tried to help with putting the camping stuff up. He even asked me what I needed him to do while I was gone and I told him what was needed. However, he didn't do any of it so why did he even bother to ask??? I'm just looking at working all weekend long taking care of everything myself on top of watching our little girl. It's "supposed" to rain again all weekend so if that is the case, let me tell you, he will be helping. He is usually pretty good at helping if I tell him but I have to stay on top of him. Most of the time it's just easier to do it myself. I feel as if I am raising 3 kids instead of just 2. I guess I was wrong in expecting too much. Oh and get this ladies, when I asked him why he didn't clean the living room (i.e. put the clothes away) he said that there was no sense in doing that because he has to move the chairs from the dining room into the living room in order to mop the floors. Huh???? Does that make any sense to any of you??? What does having to put the chairs in there have to do with cleaning the living room? I just want to scream!! Any words of encouragement or advice would be greatly appreciated. My nerves have about had it!!! Don't get me wrong he is a really good man and I love him a lot but he sometimes makes me want to pull my hair out!!!! Can any of you relate?? :)
Thank you all for all the responses. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one that has experienced this. I didn't think I was. I meant to put in my request that both of my daughters do help a lot, especially the 15 year old. In fact she helps a great deal and without asking. So I am very blessed. It just would be nice if my husband would at least pick up after himself. That in itself would be a huge help. But ya'll are right, I will have to keep on asking, make suggestions and even come up with a "honey do" list. Men (at least mine) don't take the initiative and if he does, he won't let me forget it. In fact he makes it sound like he does it all the time! Ugh....that's a whole other story. Well anyways, thank you all! Ya'll are wonderful!
Do we have the same husband? I nag on the things that I really need help on. The rest? I just leave it. My house is never clean anymore, but it's picked up. I do that, & my son who is 3 helps out. The rest just stays there until he gets tired of seeing it, & he then picks it up.
I've had to re-adjust my expectations for clean...and so has he. hee hee ;)
Call me crazy, but, it sounds like you are expecting him to help bc you decided to do vbs and haven't been home to do what you normally do anyway. It also sounds like if you weren't doing vbs then you would have had the time to do your normal things. So, in my opinion, unless you expressed to him before vbs, how busy your week would be and how you would need his help, then he really isn't to blame and shouldn't be accused of not helping. He is just doing what he normally does.
This happened to me a while back. I really thought through what I was going to say before I said it. I don't remember exactly, but I explained that our lives had been hectic lately and although I know he worked hard that I was frustrated that there was so much that needed to be done and resentful that he hadn't stepped in to help get things done. Then, (this is important) I told him that I would love if we had time to do something fun as a family and could find time to make love. But when my mind is so full of all the things that need to be done I am too stressed. I walked off and gave him time to think and didn't say another word about it. It wasn't until the next day that he started really helping and told me that the truth hurt but realized that he needed to help more. Make sure you reward him. Positive reinforcement encourages good behavior in the future. Sounds like a dog training book but whatever works. (keep this between us girls) :) Good Luck
Hi Stephanie,
Wow I don't agree with the other responses; accepting this behavior because they're men and they are just like that is not going to fly in this time and age. I'm sorry but your husband is very well capable of moving his butt off the couch and help you, of course I wouldn't ask this way but men do have to help.
I had the same problem with my husband and quite honestly if he is not going to help neither am I. after months of asking for his help and battling over who did the dishes; I just hired a housekeeper that comes everyweek and she doesn't charge much. That was the only solution for us, maybe you could both compromise on a list of chores but that didn't work with us.
Maybe you do need an extra pair of hands to help you out, if not from hubby, fron someone else.
This is what I said to my husband:
You can either hear me nag you for the next 2 hours, or agree to a chore list that we can switch every week or so. Let me tell you, he agreed faster than I got another word out. We came to the conclusion that I am more of a perfectionist and he is WAY more laid back, so he was actually scared to do some other things around the house in fear of critism (SP?). I don't think I've done that, but hey, what do I care as long as things are done! I put about 5 things on two lists each and we swap out. They have to be done every day before tv or ANYTHING when we get home. It works PERFECTLY, I keep mine on the fridge since it's one of the first places you go. Try it, you'll see :)
Sounds like what my hubby would do. Unfortunately guys really do need us to give them lists of things to do if we expect them to get done. Have you ever heard him say "well if you would have just asked me?" Woman see that something needs to get done and we do it, but men seem to care less if the house starts to attract flies. I'd talk to him about it. I'm not saying that it will ever be fixed but at least he will know how important that is to you. I doubt that we can start expecting them to see a mess and clean it without being asked but maybe he'll see how important it is for YOU if the mess gets cleaned. I don't know. It seems like the timeless battle but honestly things have gotten a lot better around here since we have talked about it. If you have certain expectations of him and you don't tell him what they are and they are not met, then you don't have a right to be mad at him.
Hang in there!!! Don't give up on your big baby yet!!
I feel for you, and believe me, I have walked a mile in your shoes. Sounds like a lot of other ladies have, as well. I wish I had an easy answer for you, but the solution I use is the housekeeper one. My husband is just too ADD, and after 11 years, I don't see it changing. So, as long as I work full-time, I have a housekeeper. I just make some adjustments somewhere else in the budget. My husband is not a hobby sort-of guy, so he doesn't really spend money on anything...so at least I have that to be thankful for. I just accept the bad with the good--and if you really believe it's a big enough problem, I'd say counseling would be the next step. An unbiased third party may have some fresh insight that neither you or your husband have thought about. Hang in there, and get those kids to help, BTW!
go buy some inexpensive dishes from target, go into your garage and bust them. :) you'll feel better....
49? Don't expect too many changes. I guess he felt he got off easy not having to do the outside. You can have a heart to heart but I doubt it will do any good. I was at the Grapevine BabyFest last weekend promoting our new Earth Baby Diaper Service and when I came home each evening, not only was nothing done but he had made a few small messes for me to take care of. I don't know about your husband but mine is great doing projects and helping out so long as I'm the cheerleader cheering us on. When I'm away, I guess you can say he's not a self-starter. Mine is 59 and it's been this way from day one.
And don't get me wrong we've been happily married for 36 years, had 3 great children, and he's a great man. But I can relate to your message.
Finally, an honest woman! I just tried to post something that said how annoying I found it that this website seems to be full of women who are married to their soul mates, their best friend, the perfect husband, etc. Somehow it didn't get posted, which is probably just as well so I don't get a bunch of mad women insisting to me that they really do have the perfect marriage.
My husband sounds much more like yours. He will sit and watch TV, play WII, or nap while I tramp up and down the stairs doing laundry, bringing in the groceries, cleaning the kitchen, etc. I NEVER take naps. I also have MS, which you think would buy me a little more help around the house, but it does not. My only real solution to this is not one I recommend: I usually get mad, start slamming things around, and then eventually he notices and attempts to help. The rational thing to do, of course, is to ask for help and tell him that you need him to be pro-active in pitching in to look for things that need to be done. But I can definitely relate. Good luck!!!!
Flylady.com
My husband got into it with me.
We both work so it's a little hard to do everything when the reminders come, but we both got into great habits of cleaning and straighten things up before we went to bed and go to work.
At times like these, you have to think of all the good things he does. How he differs from other LOSER husbands that cheat- beat- or even abuses their wives. If he's anything like my husband- he response to positive enforcement. It sounds horrible but husbands are like little puppies. If you reward good behavior- he'll do that more, if you gripe at him, he'll look at you with a blank stare. Men just don't get it. lol
Good luck- try flylady! (don't rush it, take baby steps!!) it works!
Val
My first husband would not even help in the yard and if I asked him to wash his van he washed the windows and that was it. I did it all. Then single for 10 years and learned how to juggle it all with raising the kids alone. Remarried a military LTC and boy what a difference. He helped with everything. The garage was clean because he would not even allow a shove in there. All put in the attic. He always painted and caulked every year so our house smelled and looked like new always. I am a neat nick and thought we were doing great. Then found out for years of watching him on his lap top he wanted a divorce. I was devastated. He found someone and many others on the internet. 2 mos after the divorce he married a dirty mouth woman. 4 ms later he wanted out. He is with someone else now and probably cheating on her. I miss him but know I can never go back but my marriage and lifestyle were out of this world. I did not have to have a job. I lived on an acre lot too. I kept up the huge house and when he was on trips I played. I could buy anything and go out with friends and was always there when he was cooking his meal. Our sex live disappeared as he told me he was impotant. I took him to two doctors for meds to help. But he let more years go by before he told me he wanted out. I loved his grandchildren and children and moved on. I now have my own life I think. Surrounded with a granddaughter and day care kids. No adults in my life. I do not date. I just am not going to do that again. I guess advice is to give a list to the man and let him check it off. Honey do list I never knew about them until my ex( the last one) always talked about honey do list. Make one and see if he can get to it. Some times we talk they let it go out the ears. Also get their attention by turning off the tv and we really have to train them. Let them know what we want in the chores and in the bedroom. Good luck. Even in gifts they bring us. I got tons of beautiful gifts like jewlry at a nice romantic restraurant. G. W( bit of caustion) I had training on the first one and he left me for someone else. I had the second one where I loved every thing he did and he left me for someone else. I guess it is just me. To fussy about it all.
Stephanie,
I was exactly where you are several years ago. I used to be a career mom and worked 70-80 hrs per week. Between 2 kids at the time and my husband, housework was a distant thought. I used to beg, plead, and nag my husband to help.
This is a little extreme I warn you, but when he refused to help out because he was "tired" I taught him a lesson. When he left his clothes scattered all over the house I threw them away. When he did not clean up his eating area I threw away his dishes. If he left out his shoes and did not put them away yup they went in the trash. He started catching on when he got down to two pair of underwear and a couple of shirts. I told him "I warned you. I asked you to at least take care of your mess. You refused so I have been tossing it in the trash. I married a man not a child. Your Mother does not live here!" My husband to this day will not leave out his clothes, he cleans the kitchen if I cook, and he will every once in a blue moon scrub a toilet without me asking. I have changed too, I don't nag at all.
This grief that he is a man accept it, well my darling that is for the birds! Every man can change if he wants to. Key word "IF" he wants to. I encourage you to make both of those children a chore list. There isn't any reason both of your girls can not help you out in the home. Your 15 year old is more than capable of taking the load off of you. Your 4 year old can help load a dishwasher, wipe down the tables, dust, wash windows. I am not saying make her do all of these items at once. My girls are 12, 9, and 7 they all have chores. I can't imagine ever working full time with out any help. I would have had a nervous breakdown by now or at least a reservation for a padded room!
Good luck to you.
Dene' H.
Hi Stephanie,
I swear you are married to my husband! He does the exact same things as yours. I finally just gave up and accepted that is the way he is always gonna be. I am the one that does not like the mess and dirt in the house--he can care less--so it is my problem to keep the house clean and tidy. Frustrating but reality for me..once I accepted it--I seem to be in a better mood and my husband b/c I am not nagging him or irritated with him like I used to be.
Hang in there.
Can any of you relate??? .... !!!!! HaHaHa - I'm sure most of us can!
I just learned to get used to it! This is man - he sits on the couch, behind his computer, etc, etc. & B*tches when we don't "get stuff done". BUT what do they do? "VERY IMPORTANT THINGS" - all but housework... according to them. They do try to help, but create more mess than what it's worth. For instance: Your clean laundry sitting on the couch, getting wrinkled, collecting dust. It might have well stayed with the rest of the dirty clothes.
My recommendation is to teach the girls to help out around the house. You'll get a much better response from them... all while training them for their future marriages.
We will never be able to change men - we can only b*tch @ them & hope they will just respond like obedient puppies & do what we specifically ask of them. Because you know we have to spell it all out for them.
And for any men reading my post - please don't take offense if you are the 1 in a million that actually does something around the house... you are just that - 1 in a million!
P.S. Oh ya! - you didn't know that you were supposed to pack & unpack for the ENTIRE family to take a trip together.
Have Fun - Love Life!
S.
I would say the person you need to be talking to is him. It's all about the communication. In a very calm way, tell him that you are extremely overwhelmed and would appreciate his help. If he is the really great man you say he is I'm sure he will help you. I have learned with my husband that it's better to ask than to wish he would just get off his butt and do it and then when he doesn't get mad. I have also learned to ask for specific things. For example, as you are leaving for VBS say, "Honey, I would appreciate it so much if you would tackle the camping stuff/put the laundry away while I am gone." And most importantly, thank him for doing it when he does. Men like that validation. I know we want to be thanked too. But, I have noticed that my husband is much more helpful when I show him that I notice his efforts and thank him for them. Hope this helps.
Oh yeah, also sometimes I set the timer and we have like a "10 minute" pick up. Given the ages of your kids, they can help too. It might help to give them all a specific task for those 10 minutes. You will be amazed at how much 4 people can get done in 10 minutes. If you did that every evening or even every other evening you will be amazed. If the children (or husband :)) don't consistently work during the 10 minutes...bummer, the time starts over. And if they do then maybe you say, "I appreciate your hard work, next time we will only do 5 minutes."
Just some things that have helped me get through those overwhelming moments.
Well, I too have been there, and still am a lot of the times! It sucks, and I do not agree with the "they are men, they are not going to change so just accept it". Um, They are humans just as capable of doing things as us, so tell him to get up and help!
What I did is set aside 1 certain day a week (we do Sunday) and call it "Family cleaning day". This is the day that everyone helps and we get all the big cleaning done, floors, laundry, etc. And we do nothing else until all the cleaning is done. And it doesn't take that long when everyone works together. As long as he knows which specific day is cleaning day and what you expect to get done on this day, he has no excuse. And if needed, make a list and mark things off as they get done.
That helped us, hope it helps you too!
WOW!!! I am so glad I am not the only one in this situation. I can totally relate with you on this. Now I will admit I am a stay-at-home mom but I spent the entire last 2 weeks taking 4 kids to VBS at my church and my sisters church. I also spent the time afterwards cleaning the house. Well my husband gets up this morning and asked me to do some laundry, mind you I had planned on spending the day relaxing after these last 2 weeks. All I wanted to do was walk out of the house and scream. As far as him doing a load of laundry I think I have realize the reason why men do things half way. It is so you won't ask them to do it again and just like you husband my husband will come up with a nonsense excuse as to why he didn't finish what he was doing. Believe me I am in the same boat as you. My suggestion to you is say something to him now because I totally blew up at my husband this morning after he asked me to do that and I feel bad now for doing it.
