Keep Appointment or Cancel?

Keep it! He is talking out his backside. This situation sounds toxic Mama! You need some outside professional help!

Keep the appointment. Let the counselor know. Talk to a lawyer and contact a woman's shelter so you have an escape strategy. If you have family or friends you can rely on, let them know you may need them.

Those are not the words of a stable man. You really need to get out of this relationship.

Getting psychiatric help will not hinder you from getting the kids. My best friend was in an inpatient mental hospital for 2 weeks and then out patient for 4 after a mental break down. Therapy helps her cope and meds keep her stable. She was awarded primary custody of the children beause she provides a stable household on meds.

Yes!!! Keep it. His angry reaction is very much part of the reason you need counseling. Discuss this with the counselor.

I have been professionally involved for many years with removing children from their parents. The fact you are in counseling is on the positive side of the decision for keeping your children with you if you did hurt them.

Know that it will take several sessions before you'll know if this counselor can help you. It takes time to develop trust and get down to the work of making a difference.

I was in your shoes few years ago!! I DID cancel my appointment. Big mistake. It took me a couple of years of continuing to live with my Ex to realize it was just another way of him controlling and intimidating me! He fed off my insecurities and our son's. Sounds like yours is intimidating you too by saying you will never get the kids (AS IF!!!) ! Well with me it worked, but one day I woke up and decided I wasn't going to let him control me anymore because it got so bad he broke all of your spirits! I'm back to counseling and stronger than I've ever been. You GO GIRL!!! Good luck!!!!

Your husband is not only furious that you went, he's saying it's going to hurt your kids?? How does this hurt the kids?? And then he's threatening you, saying that if the marriage breaks up you won't get the kids (because why? You're mentally unstable and went to see a counselor?). This is either serious paranoia in your husband, or a serious attempt on his part to control you with threats of losing your kids or being labeled as mentally ill. Either way, you need counseling even more than you thought you did when you made the first appointment.

Keep the appointment (and if you don't like the counselor, get another one) - and if your husband is angry or threatening in any way (including emotional coercion or bullying), then start seeing a lawyer just to protect yourself while you work through this. His behavior is a HUGE red flag of greater anger underneath.

B.,

Your husband is trying to control you.

Knowledge is power. By going to a counselor - you are learning more about yourself, what you are capable of and much more...now...if you are going to some psychic reader about your problems - yeah - the court would look poorly on that - however - if you are going to a certified counselor to improve your communication skills and be a better person?? The courts will applaud you for that.

If you need help - get it and take it. Tell your husband to pound sand. You are seeking support and ways to improve yourself and hopefully your marriage. He can get on board or he can stand on the side lines and be ridiculous.

GO!!! DO NOT allow your husband to use this against you.

Going to see a counselor is not going to be seen as a negative by a judge if it comes down to that. So says my husband, a family law attorney.

Keep your appt. and move to the next phase of your life. You and your kids will be better for it.

Your husband is threatening you and trying to convince you that you will be seen as a homicidal, unstable mother if you see a counselor for what? Marital issues? Based on his reaction, I would not only keep the appointment, but also schedule a few more to get your ducks in a row. I'm sorry, it sounds like an awful situation, please keep your appointment.

Oh boy definitely keep it! Your husband's reaction is absurd and no, you would not lose custody of your children because you sought out the help of an expert. If anything, that shows that you are the sane and rational person who took steps to improve a negative situation. He sounds controlling and afraid, which is a dangerous place to be. I think you definitely need to hold your ground and get the help you need to stand up to him and sort out what you should and should not be putting up with in your marriage, whether or not it's worth trying to save and if it is, how to go about doing that in a healthy way.

Your appointment isn't causing problems, your husband is.

Your husband is loosing control of you and he doesn't like it. So, he threatens you with the kids because that is how he thinks he can get you "back in line".

Keep the appointment, let the therapist know about what your husband said. Discuss his reaction with her/him. Knowledge is power and sweetie you are getting some power with your knowledge. Good for you. Don't stop! I would also suggest that you talk to people you trust, friends and family, and let them know about your struggles. Its always good for others to know what is going on inside your home.

They all say that. He'll use it against you and the judge will look at him like he's nuts. The judge is probably on antidepressants...I would be if I had to listen to people like your hubby all day...lol.

If it's helping then go. It can only do you good if it helps you get in touch with your innermost feelings and desires and helps you set new goals.

Keep it absolutely.
Your husbands paranoia make it seem to me that you really NEED to talk to someone.

Half the people in America go to a counselor. Your husband is the one who is ridiculous.

Not only should you keep your next appointment, you should insist that hubby go with you. Your husband doesn't sound like he's doing what is needed to fix the problems in your marriage, yet he doesn't want you going to a counselor. That sounds pretty darn controlling, if you ask me.

This rough patch might get a little rougher, for a while, while you insist that you and husband deal with your issues,, and you do what is necessary to make that happen.

So no, I don't think you should let your husband bully you into not keeping the appointment. That is certainly not going to improve your marital problems.

Good luck.

Not only would I keep the appointment, but I would let the counselor know just what your husband said to you. He doesn't sound stable nor supportive. He also sounds manipulative.

Please listen to Patricia G. when she says " If you have family or friends you can rely on, let them know you may need them."

B., have you confided in any close friends or relatives that your marriage has issues and that your husband has made threats that you would lose your children to him, that seeing a counselor is bad, etc.?

If you are keeping this to yourself right now because you feel it's private, or you're embarrassed about it, or you feel it's too early to talk about it -- please, please tell a couple of highly trusted people. Patricia is right: You need to be on the record with people who can later either take you and your kids in at a moment's notice if needed, or who may be called on to back you up in court, if things come to that. You also need to have reliable, nonjudgmental, supportive people in your life who are there for YOU -- these should not be friends who are also your husband's buddies, women who are married to his friends, etc., but your own friends/relatives, who are not going to go to him to "help" you by telling him what you've told them. If you feel you have no one to turn to -- is it because your husband has kept you away from your friendships? That would be a classic controlling behavior....

Absolutely continue with a therapist or counselor. Be aware that your husband might escalate his threats as you continue with counseling. He may say you are sneaky and "going behind his back" and so on, and might ramp up the "you're crazy and are going to hurt the kids" talk. Be ready for it and tell your counselor EVERY thing he says. Keep a written log (hide it -- don't put it on the computer where he can find it) of all that he says, date, time, etc. Record what you can, if things escalate. Keep every e-mail and text that is even minimally "off". Just in case.

Meanwhile, start now to find an attorney just in case, and a shelter, just in case. You don't say in your post how much you feel this is only a "rough patch" and how much you do or do not want to continue to be married to your husband. He could be a complete jerk, or he could be a great guy who is having truly sad issues of mental health, addiction, whatever, and you might want to work on this to help him and yourself. Only you know -- we do not.

But sit down with paper and pen and think hard about whether he has a pattern of belittling you or using your kids against you or trying to control you in any way (even simple ways like always refusing to let you see friends or family on your own, ever). Be objective and tough as you assess whether this is a pattern--which would be a huge issue to take to your therapist immediately.

Keep it. He is furious (likely) because he knows things can't continue going the way they've been going and he's scared of change.
But it sounds like change is EXACTLY what you both need so be the responsible one and GO.
Maybe he will join you at some point?

So....talking to someone in order to save or make your marriage better is going to hurt your kids? Huh?

Does he always make this much sense?

I would keep it. I would consider his going off the rails about you seeking help as even more reason to go. I also doubt that a judge would think that you seeking help for your rough patch with your husband to be a detriment to your parenting or indicate that you shouldn't have custody. Why does he think you will hurt the children?

My mother continued to see the counselor after my father quit. It was that counselor who finally looked at her and said, "Call this shelter and get out." This counselor may be a lifeline. And FWIW, no, she did not lose custody of us.

Report what he threatened to your therapist. Keep going to your therapist.

I have a few friends who are separated...The husbands will not go to counseling.

Do not be bullied.....I say you should keep the appointment.

I was obese and bullied terribly (as a child / 3yrs). Having a few hrs with a therapist was like winning the lotto.

You are in charge of your self-worth during this difficult period.

If you find that counseling is helping you, just say this to him, "I enjoy going...So, I will be continuing. You are welcome to join me."

If I were you, I'd record him saying that he will try to keep the kids from you for going to counseling. While you're recording it, ask him to go for counseling because of his anger problems, and get him on RECORD when he blows up at you and says no.

And yes, keep going to counseling. Tell your counselor what's going on, too.

Keep it! Your "rough patch" sounds like you're heading to divorce and you'll need a counselor to get through it! I think it's perfectly healthy for everyone to see a counselor from time to time.

Seeing a counselor is NOT a sign of weakness. And this will NOT hurt your chances of getting custody of your children. In fact, I think it will help it. Keep the appointment and share with the counselor what your husband said. And do everything all the other posters said...

Keep it. So sorry....

I join the chorus of people saying that your husband's threats and illogical reaction to you seeking professional help is a sign that you absolutely SHOULD continue seeing a counselor, regardless of whether you go to the same counselor or find a different one. Your choice to speak to an expert is none of his business, not an indication that you are going to hurt the kids or a sign to a judge that you shouldn't have custody of them. You aren't asking him to go to a counselor (even though it probably would help him), you are doing something for yourself. That is a good thing. Sending you wishes for good luck.

Hi B.,
Ok, you have some good responses. Without knowing the details (and good for you in starting the process by reaching out for non-biased advice) I will try to add my two cents. It sounds from previous posts from you that your life has been pretty good up until now. Have things been getting bad for a while and now it's gotten REAL bad? I think that you should definitely keep the appointment. The fact that you are willing to take that step shows you are hopeful and want to make things better for your family. When he is back to being reasonable and of sound mind, you can let him know (calmly) that the counseling will be good for you and your family in the long run (by the way, why does he think you are giong to hurt the kids)? Some counselors will put a time limit on how long or how many sessions you need. That is ultimately for you to decide, so make sure your counselor doesn't give you a generic time frame for this to be accomplished. I wouldn't give your husband a time frame either. As for threats and yelling, he is trying to intimidate you, so please don't let him. If you start that pattern it will be very hard to break. If you are the reading type, I suggest Divorce Busters by Weiner-Davis. Keep us up to date on what's going on. God Bless.

May I make a suggestion here: after spending lots and lots of time and money in my first marriage going to counselors and 'getting help' and talking, I still ended up getting divorced. So....take the money and get a babysitter and go make out on a weekend with your husband and enjoy your time together.

your husband may indeed be correct, these days, seeing a shrink can and typically is, grounds for social services to "investigate" you..go through your trash, gather gossip about you from your neighbours,talk toyour kids at school, go through your medical records etc. ..now mind you, even if the information the social worker gathers about you (without your knowledge or consent)is full of misleading information and or gossip, they arent going to tell you that, constitutionally speaking, they arent allowed to gather the information about you to begin with(without your knowledge or consent)..so..bottom line, cancel the next appt. , sit down with your husband and talk things out with him. K. h. now, if your husband is having mental issues , drug problems etc. ..then seeking a professional opinion is the thing to do, for right now.

Keep it; you will be doing this for yourself and your kids. & to also maintain your sanity!

WHAT?!? You married a crazy man. Keep the appointment. Definitely report the threat to your counselor and take whatever action recommended.

Sorry, but he has lost his mind...and he will be the one without the kids if he wants to threaten you with that. If you can, next time he starts ranting about that, try to be on the phone with someone so they can hear him say it...or record it.