Seeking Additional Divorce Advice

I know several of us who don't have sex. My husband is disabled, but even if he wasn't, I don't feel like it when there is stress, disagreements, etc...
Don't have sex. You might get pregnant.

It is normal he wants to be intimate with his wife, and after that many months, it's normal that he is cranky that he isn't getting it.... especially since he is also suffering in a miserable job, a lackluster marriage and is looking for work in a bad economy.

I read your two posts about the disrespectful husband and I didn't see any severe or real examples of how or why things aren't working, or how he is abusive, especially since you said things were getting better. Of course only you know the level of things he is doing, but you also have scars from your past that could also be effecting your decision. You told him "No sex until we get our marriage figured out"... but a part of working on a marriage and getting better involves communication, romance, passion, spending quality time together that can lead to intimacy, that can help break down barriers and help your marriage. I know you said you have resentment towards him, has any issues been resolved and are things better at all so that you can create a change? Are you communicating with him how you feel and the two of you working towards improvement? i have a hard time believing your therapist is telling you to withhold information from him, unless he was extremely abusive, but then your therapist would be telling you to leave now.

In any case, yes, it sounds very normal he is cranky. He shouldn't take it out on your daughter and you should talk about that with him. Since I have no idea of the dynamic between the two of you, it's hard to say if he should or should not be taking his crankiness out on you, depending on the severity of his moodiness, but it sounds very reasonable. But you shouldn't just string him along, you need to talk to him and get back into therapy together. I would be upset if my husband withheld sex from me for so long, then told me many months later he wanted a divorce without any other sort of counseling or him trying to get the love and intimacy back into the relationship. Obviously, if he is dangerous and extremely disparaging, then yes you need to get away, but I'm not seeing that from your other examples.

My husband and I went through something very similar many years ago when we were first married. We read Dr. Phil's "Relationship Rescue" book together and did all the practices, and a few sessions of counseling. One thing Dr Phil says, is that sex isn't important in marriage, until you aren't having it. Then it can create even more barriers and hurt feelings and make things worse. I recommend you read that book together. Another good piece of advice we got was to "Start where you are and go forward together." It's kind of our motto now.

With my ex-husband I stopped having sex with him because he wouldn't practice safe sex when he couldn't "control" himself. So yeah - there are people who don't have sex with their spouses.

In my opinion? I think you should tell him you are not happy with him. I think dropping the bomb on him about divorce is not fair. I get that he's verbally abusive but have you given him a chance to change?

You MUST stand up for your daughters and NOT let him be mean to them. It is OKAY to tell him ENOUGH and back off. I'd rather my husband retaliate against me than my CHILDREN!!!!

Communication is key. You are going to have to deal with this man for the rest of your lives - you have kids together. I would learn how to communicate with him NOW. You will have to learn how to be adults and discuss custody and dropping kids off and co-parenting together...even divorced you have to parent together. So start talking to him. Tell him you don't like him. Tell him he MAY NOT treat you NOR your daughters this way. Say it IN FRONT of the girls so they KNOW you are standing up for them.

You need support. You need to figure out how you are going to do this...divorce doesn't mean you don't have to deal with him anymore. You have kids. So sorry - you will have to deal with him.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I'm sorry that you can't find a more constructive way to communicate with your husband....I am not trying to be mean. This comes from a W. who had to deal with her ex-husband....custody, etc...he was an a$$. But we HAD to be adults and deal with each other. Our daughter was not to blame.

This is just my $0.02, and since I disagree with you I'm sure you will consider my comments judgmental. However, having gone through TWO divorces I know a little bit about what I'm talking about in the divorce department. Obviously there is more going on than just in this post (I didn't read any of the back posts you mention).

Of course it is unfair of him to be nasty to you. Just as it is unfair of you to "pretend" you intend to stay married and lie to him when you obviously have no intention of doing so.

You are going to be in for a WORLD of nastiness from him when he finds out you have been 'saving' money to divorce him without telling him.

If you are a SAHM and are "saving" his earnings without telling him you intend to divorce him you will look as hostile as when a man "hides" assets in order to not pay part to his spouse. This will HURT you in the long run if the judge is able to figure it out (or if you husband figures it out and tells the judge).

In addition to therapy I urge you to seek legal counsel - most times the consultation is free and even though your therapists has probably seen many couples divorce, they are not appropriate legal counsel.

MOST married couples who intend to stay married are intimate. That you are not speaks volumes about your commitment to the relationship. And yes, if MY spouse all of a sudden began to withhold sex from me I would be pretty gosh darn cranky (and I'm a girl).

I think you should revisit your tactics. Regardless of what your husband has done (unless he is abusive and then you need to get out without worrying about saving money) you are not playing honest and above board. In addition to everything that your daughter sees her dad behave, she is ALSO learning from YOU about how she should treat her spouse. Are these the lessons you want her to learn?

I don't know how old your daughters are.... but remember that you will have to Co-parent with him until they are 18. You think he's unreasonable now? wait until he doesn't HAVE to listen to what you say when they are with him. Divorce can sometimes escalate hostilities so far that you end up having to appoint guardians for your kids or have mediators because the two of you have such built up hostility towards each other that you can't be civil. Think about how much of what you are "saving" now will be spent on the divorce. You will have to disclose ALL the money that you have 'saved' anyway..... so is staying with him worth it?

I wish you and your family peace.

When life is not pleasant for us, we do get cranky. Are you not feeling cranky yourself? Withholding sex from your spouse is an act of anger. So you're angry with him and he's just plain angry at the world.

It's not right that he takes it out on his daughter but then it's not right that you take your anger out on him, either. You need to find a way to communicate with him and either make your relationship better or get out.

I see you as much a cause of the way your daughter is treated as your husband. You may not be mean to your daughter but you are keeping her in a tense and unhappy home.

I also agree with Wickerparkgirl. You are setting yourself up for a very nasty divorce. I suggest that you be honest with your husband. You can still live together. Many couples do as they plan how to manage life after divorce. I suggest that if your husband knows that you're planning a divorce it will be easier for him to understand why you are withholding sex and thus make it easier for him to manage his feelings.

I've found nothing worse than living in limbo, not know what those I'm living with are thinking or why they're doing what they're doing. Honest communication is essential for getting along.

I really do doubt that your counselor suggested you not tell your husband until later. It makes no kind of psychological sense at all. She may very well of said wait until you have more money and a job. That makes sense. But to let your husband think you are working on improving your relationship is a bold lie that is going to reach out and bite you come time for the divorce.

He may be disrespectful of you. I have not read your previous posts. But two wrongs do not make a right. You are being outrageously disrespectful of him! You cannot expect respect from a person you treat disrespectfully!

Judgemental? NO! Observant and opinionated and wanting to help save a marriage . . . YES!

Yes, it is normal for a man or a woman, but especially a man, to be "nasty and moody" when he doesn't get sex. Its biology. Just like it is biology for a woman to be subject to her hormones when she has a period. Some are more affected than others.

Its a shame you don't spend as much time and effort in repairing your marriage as you spend deceiving your husband. You could probably save your marriage if you did. Read the books, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" and "The Love Dare". And follow their suggestions. Watch the movie "Fireproof". Both you and your husband could learn a lot.

If your husband is working at a job he hates to try and support his family, HE is putting much more effort in trying to save his marriage than you are. Tell him what you don't like about what he is doing and give him a chance to change and please you. Be open minded and put forth at least a little effort to save your marriage. Didn't you make a promise to love him in sickness and in health and in essence in good times and bad?

Sounds like you need to change therapists. The one you have sounds like a real looser and not very professional.

Good luck to you and yours.

Mama, get a new therapist. You need someone to work with you both.

You may feel that there is nothing left in this marriage, but you need to sit down with him, WITH HELP, and talk to him about the way he is treating your daughter. If you don't, he may be worse to her after you divorce him. If you at least try to work out your issues with him, he will hopefully remember that acting this way will not get him back in the sack with you. And if he starts acting the way he did when he was good to you both, you might actually want him again.

It is a long time to live with someone without disclosing that you are desperately unhappy. You deserve better. Quite frankly, he does too.

I disagree 100% with the people who say it is all on YOUR back to make things better. But it may need to start with you. And I'd start by finding another therapist.

Good luck,
Dawn

No judgement here because I am in the same boat. My husband and I are roommates now, staying together for financial reasons and for the kids. He is dating and that improved things because then he was less grumpy. We haven't had sex in years. We both know we will get divorced when we can, probably after our daughter graduates from college in a few years. We are amicable with each other most of the time. We sleep in the same bed when my daughter is home on her breaks. When she is at college I sleep in her room. Good luck.

I'm sorry--but is he a teenager?
There is NO reason for him to be so stinking NASTY--even if he's "not getting any" right now.
What is he? A gorilla?
I thought humans had the mental capabilities to comprehend things like this--not just look for another female in heat!
And to take it out on his own daughter? Please-he's acting like a prepubescent boy, not a man. IF he was a MAN, he'd be AWARE of the fact that you're about through with this marriage--which makes his actions all the more ridiculous.

i dont think you are ready to leave because, the saving money thing is an excuse you can get a job at mcdonalds and have enough for a small apartment. it may not be fabulous but it keeps you off the streets. your husband prob knows somethings going on and thats why hes in a bad mood. go now to hell with saving money if hes getting mean its time to go. you may not be ready but its time good luck to ya. Ps totally normal for men to get moody with no sex heck i get that way too lol

Hi - I am a husband and I came across your post trying to understand my wife from her perspective. Yes, a Husband will get nasty if he doesn't have sex. Sex is intimacy, and when either party witholds intimacy, it becomes and act of controlling. Sex is a form of communication between couples and it smooths out difficult times. It creates a bank of trust and goodwill that you drawn down when things get tough. It is never equal in a marriage and someone always has to give before they get. Make your decision to be in the marriage and be in the marriage, or make your decision to get out and get out. You are neither fair to yourself, your daughter or your husband. How do you explain to your daughter that you use sex as a tool to manipulate and control your husband? I wouldn't never tell my son or daughter to do that. Sorry for the rant - its been 5 months for me. I wish you the best