Is This Soo Bad?

I'm going to answer with a question. Why do we expect perfection from a 4 year old? Gentle reminding and making her deal with the consequences I can understand. I can even understand being frustrated but she is so young! In speaking with a number of parents, the fact is she may very well have an accident at school in 1st grade (age 6). Are you going to bring "Baby diapers" to school and make her change into them then? She doesn't really CHOOSE to wait too long. She gets involved with what she is doing and is probably excited and happy with grandma being there, not thinking every two minutes (Do I need to go to the bathroom?) She is still learning this skill and I think gentle reminding would help her more than "humiliation". As for the big bed, I'd put on a waterproof mattress pad.

You've gotten plenty of feedback on the daytime training issue. There is no such thing as "night training". She will be able to sleep dry when her body is ready to. Wetting at night is normal up to about age 6-7 for a percentage of children.

Ya not cool and the 'baby diaper' shouldnt even be an option. Have her put panties on. You should have her pee before bed whether she has to go or not and then put the pull up on her at night only and never as a punishment

I am going to give you my honest opinion...

Yes, it is that bad. You are handling this exactly wrong. Humiliation is not a training tool.

~My potty training style was the exact opposite of yours. I never humiliated my kids over an accident, never not once! I actually purposefully made it no big deal..."oh you are wet, let's get you fixed up" put on new panties and move on, no big deal. I also never went back and forth with diapers and panties. When my kids were ready, it was all undies, all the time. No back and forth what so ever. Only positive input, nothing negative, ever!

I think you are confusing your child by going back and forth. I also believe you could be causing her emotional harm with the 'small' humiliation and you should STOP doing that.

Humiliation, no matter how small you think it is, is wrong in my opinion.

I feel sorry for your daughter.

Never take lightly or toy with issues of eating, going to the bathroom and masturbation. Humiliation of any kind is proven to cause disorders and ailments later in life for those afflicted with the association.

what may seem like a means to an end, a small victory now will come back to haunt you. I agree with your inlaws and your husband.

" i do this because its a small humilliation for her and she wont have an accident for the rest of the day. ... anyways my inlaws and husband give he(r) heat and say snotty remarks when i remind her of this. my daughter is more then capable making it to the bathroom on time. also she has more accidents when my mil is home. ... i dont see what im doing as an issue."

If I am reading this portion correctly and I think I am, and you are ok with humiliation as a punishment then I do not think I have anything helpful to say to you on this and I would soil my pants too just to spite you if humiliation were a tool being used. I think you should do a potty training search on the site here for some other tools that have been suggested and see if any of those work for you there are a TON!! We have a PT question posted at least once a week.

My kids never even knew what pull ups were. Never bought so much as a single one.
Accidents happen. That's part of it. And many, many little kids get busy or try to hold it a little too long. That's also part of the learning process. I hate to admit I am still bad at that. I know I have to go, but I'll be at work and in the middle of something and put it off. I don't have accidents, but I can certainly see why little kids think they can hold it.
Ditch the pull ups and ditch the humiliation for waiting too long to pee.
Just my opinion.
I was watching the show "Toddlers and Tiaras" the other night. I don't usually watch it, but I was doing something else and didn't feel like finding the remote.
I was shocked to see a little girl in her "glitz" hair, make up and dress begging her mom to take her to the bathroom and her mom said, "Don't worry about it. It's fine. You have a pull up on, just go."
WHAT?
She rathered taking her daughter on stage in a beauty pageant in thousand dollar dress and a dirty pull up than just take her to the bathroom and let her go. I couldn't believe it.
I don't get the pull up thing for many reasons.
If your daughter is having more accidents, don't ask her if she needs to go and don't wait for her to wet herself, just take her into the bathroom. Every time you walk past it. Every time you go. Even if she doesn't have to, that is what will help her with making it a habit to stop what she's doing and go.

Again....all just my opinion.

Best wishes.

I would never do that to purposely "humiliate" my child! Potty training is a process. Be patient. REMIND her to go. That's part of your job in the process.

yes. She is almost 4 and her body is still developing and maturing. I agree with rewarding her for dryness and encouraging her if she has an accident. Maybe that fact that you are putting her in diapers and pull-ups is what is actually making it worse. And as far a night time, she is just too young, for girls it's 5-6 yrs of age and boys are older, before they stay dry through the night. It is not a choice, it is development. Do you think it's normal for a nearly 4 yr. old to get up at night and change her own pull-up? She is afraid to tell you that she had a ACCIDENT.
Put a water proof mattress pad on her new bed and relax. How many adults to you see walking around in pull-ups because they still have accidents...

I dont think I'd do the pull up thing during the day, if she pees she needs to stop what she's doing get rinsed off, put on fresh clothes (this inconvenience along with a little lecture from mom shows her that she should have stopped what she was doing long enough to go pee). You are making it too easy for her. Keep the pull ups for bed time until she starts waking up dry and then pitch em.

Honestly, I don't think humiliating your child will get them to do what you'd like. Suppose it does. Then she's so dejected, she does what you want her to. Is that how you want to teach and mold your child?

Also, pull-ups don't teach the child. They need to FEEL that they are wet. There is no consequence in going in a pull-up. It's easier to use a pull-up, then to use the bathroom. My policy, is if's not working try something else. Clearly, your current methods aren't working.

I can see that you mean well, J., but yes, this is SOOOO bad!

There are positive, supportive, emotionally enriching, and even playful ways to get children's behavior more in line with adult needs. Humiliating a child is a form of emotional manipulation that can put her at risk in the future: what will she do if a classmate or boyfriend teases or humiliates her to get her to try something risky or stupid, like smoking, drugs, shoplifting, or unprotected sex? She's not too likely to have formed any defense against that.

And of course, as a mother, you will be horrified when that problem eventually arises. But you are setting her up for that pattern now. And I think you can probably relate to how toxic humiliation, or sarcasm, or other forms of disrespect would be in your relationships with others (like the "snotty remarks" you are getting now). The same is true for children – humilition hurts, and tears a child's self-image down a little more each time. You really don't want to start driving a wedge that will reduce your daughter's trust now, because her trust will help you guide her through all the problems of growing up.

There are some terrific books that coach parents on positive alternatives to child-rearing dilemmas. Some of my favorites are How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish, and Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child by John Gottman, and the concept of Emotion Coaching, another term you can google for lots of useful information. (Here's one good link to get you started: http://www.education.com/reference/article/important-pare... .)

I'm so glad you are asking this question. Since she's still so young, you can change emotionally risky patterns now, before your daughter becomes too affected by peer pressure.

Potty training shouldnt be a battle. Try using encouraging words and set a timer for ever 30 mins as a reminder. I would ditch the pull ups as well. Too confusing for a 4 year old. Just be consistent w panties and a nice reminder and she will get there.

Good luck.

I think your "humiliation" approach could be stressing her out, leading to more accidents. You need to re-think this and start taking a more positive approach. She is only three. I agree with your husband and inlaws.

Get her on a schedule until she can read her cues to go on her own again. Start with every hour and say "potty time" and take her to the bathroom. If she goes, great, give her lots of happy talk and get on with your day, until the next hour hits and then go to the bathroom again. I know it's it hard, but you need to regroup and get your girl back on track.

Get a waterproof protector for her new bed or just wait until she's ready. Good luck.

It sounds like she has made great strides with potty training and you want to help her continue this path towards maturity and independence.
I know as an adult I do not react well if I make a mistake and someone humiliates me for it. That's why you're getting heat for it. I don't know anyone whose three/four year old didn't have accidents. I think if you asked VERY few girls and no boys would have been accident free before six. My son would be accident free for months and then have two accidents in one day, it is very frustrating! but maybe it is over confidence he thinks he's "got a handle on it" or he's just so busy! If she was making mistakes while learning to read you would help her practice this new skill, you wouldnt punish her for making errors. What is different about when MIL is around? is it stress or excitement? Could you make her a sticker chart she could put a sticker every time she uses the potty. If it is not stress or a physical problem that might be enough to get her over the hump. Some day this will be a distant memory and there will be many more important challenges in her teen years, and young adult years. Hopefully she will feel you are on her side and she can talk to you and come to you with problems. Will this year be remembered as a time where you were by her side helping her face the first of many growing up challenges or will she remember one of first battles the two of you fought as she changes and grows and has great moments and set backs ?

Would you want to be humiliated if you failed while learning a new skill? That is the only question you need to ask yourself.

Best of luck to you and your precious girl!!

Potty training is one of the most difficult stages of parenting because we just don't have control over it. Humiliating a child, however "small" you may think it is, is just sad. Reward the good behavior and have her help clean up the mess. She will get it I promise!

putting the diaper on her will not help. you should make specific time's for her to go to the bathroom. make them fairly frequent at first. someone suggested every half hour. then stretch them longer and longer. i found that if a tv is running all day there were more accidents as the little ones don't want to leave the tv. always make a point of sending her within a half hour after eating and several other times thru the morning and afternoon. but yes you are sabotaging her. she knows she can have a pullup if she has an accident. better to have her in the wet messy underwear and make her clean herself up. as far as the night time goes. when my boys were little we would have dinner and no big glasses of anything else after that. they got a small (read 1/2 of bathroom dixie cup) drink when they brused their teeth. they went potty. then we stood them up and walked them to the bathroom when we went to bed at about 10 I would get them up again when I got up in the night at about 2 hubby got them back up when he got up for work then they got up on their own about 630 when it was time to start the day. we gradually dropped the middle of the night times. shaming her won't help.

Added after you "So What Happened: post: J., Ok, I see your situation pertains to daytime training, not night time. I have an at-home preschool/daycare and I have found success by working bathroom breaks into our daily routine. Here it is easy, because we have set things that happen each day: circle time, snack, outside time, lunch, nap, going home. You can see how easy it is to add in using the bathroom. When it is just your family, including your MIL, it is easy to add in bathroom breaks, espcially since she is already doing so well. When she wakes up, before she gets dressed, after she eats breakfast, before her mid-morning snack, before lunch, after her nap, before dinner: those are all natural times to use the bathroom. Just pick a few, an be consistent. Your daughter is also at a stage where she is trying to be independent. By adding going to the bathroom into the daily routine, by saying, we go to the bathroom an wash our hands before we get dressed or eat, then it is just a part of the routine, and not you once again telling her what to do, This can prevent/elimate some battles as well! Please stop using the diaper during the day as that is confusing to her. If she wets her pants, talk with her about it feeling uncomfortable, change her underwear, and move on. If you are adding in bathroom breaks, I think those will become routine/habit for her, and the accidents will stop. Best wishes to both of you. B.

100% agree with Kate B! It is up to YOU to HELP your daughter. Are you limiting/stopping her liquids 2 hours before bed? Are you making sure she goes potty (not just sits on the toilet) before bed? Why don't you let us know what else you are doing to HELP her and maybe we can make other suggestions for you and for your sweet daughter. B.

Have you checked with her pediatrician? Some children have a condition that prevents them from being able to hold their urine thru the night or they haven't developed the urge to wake up in response to a full bladder.

I would stay away from any form of humiliation when it comes to trying to teach children anything. Remember to always remain calm and positive when it comes to potty training. Consistency is very important. She may need more monitoring and reminding by an adult until she is capable of knowing when she has to go to the bathroom. You may need to try waking her in the middle of the night to see if this helps. If she is indeed not able to wake up before she goes, she really needs your understanding.

One tip I have to cut down on the frustration of changing sheets in the middle of the night is to make the bed twice. Put layers of sheets and waterproof mattress pads on. This way when the accident occurs you are ready to do a quick change of the sheets.

Humiliating your child? And you're proud of this???

I suggest that the discord and tension in the house is affecting your daughter. Her accidents are a sign that there is too much stress put on her. She's caught between you, her mother, and her grandmother, your mil. She hears the two of you fighting every day. If she's like my granddaughter, she loves both her mother and her grandmother and when the two of us fight (which we did often when my granddaughter was 3) she suffered.

I urge you to find a way to get your own home. I saw in an earlier post that you were putting your daughter into a private pre-school. If you have money for that I suggest that you can find a way to have money for your own place. Your own place, even tho it's small and not as nice as your in-law's house, will be much more peaceful.

In an earlier post you also said you were working for the school district until June but you were saving to move. I am confused about why you're living with your in-laws. You're obviously unhappy. LIfe is difficult with your in-laws. Get your own place, no matter how small or unlike what you want.

And stop your "small humiliation" with her. This doesn't help because it lowers her self-esteem. Humiliation is a way of putting her down, telling her she's just a baby. She needs to feel good about herself and her ability to stay dry in order to stay dry.

Do you think you're doing a better job of being a parent because your mil humiliates you with her "snotty remarks"? Does her put downs make you feel better and want to do a better job? Do you even understand what it is that your mil wants you to do? I suggest your daughter is feeling similar to the way you feel. Small humiliations do not work in the long run. Your daughter is little and helpless and so she tries to be "good." You fight back. Both of you feel bad.

I also want to tell you that it's common for children to get busy and not go to the bathroom in time. I suggest that, because of the anger and turmoil in your lives, that she is probably spacing out in stress. You've put her in the middle between you and your mil. This is a very difficult position in which to be as an adult. A 4 yo does not have skills to deal with this sort of stress.

I feel for all of you. You are in an impossible situation. Find a way to get your own place!

I like a positive approach such as giving a small reward (not food) each day/night there are no "accidents". Figure out what things she thinks are important, ie: an extra 10 minutes of tv, a small toy, reading an extra book at bedtime, wearing 'pretty' panties, etc. Praise the positive; downplay the negative, but no "reward" if accidents occur.

I think its bad based on the fact that u do this to humiliate her.
Also, when your mil is there, can't you attribute her accidents to not wanting to leave any excitement?
Please don't take this badly, but the "humiliation" part concerns me.

Hello, It sounds to me like your daughter is actually being very responsible for her own bedwetting. I would leave her alone. I can tell you from my own experience as a bedwetting child that humiliation and threats will not work. It only made me more anxious and afraid to fall asleep and then when I would finally go to sleep, I would be in such a deep sleep that guess what, I would wet my bed. A couple of my own kids wet their bed. We asked that they remove the sheets and put them on the washer. That's all. I can say that they didn't grow up to be adult bed wetters, so really what does it matter. Put a protective mattress cover on her bed and leave it to her to outgrow this.
Good luck with your precious little girl.
K. K.

check her for allergies if she is only wetting at night. and a bladder infection or kidney infeciton if he is doing it both day and night if she has a bladder infection it hurts to go pee and that is why she is holding it and the holding it cause it burns when she pees.