Feel free to check out my previous questions for this one. I'm making this brief, and therefor not putting much detail.
Months ago I got into an argument with my MIL. She is my hubby's stepmom. They are not close and really only act civil to please his dad. Anywho, it's been at least a few months or so. The last thing she said to me was "just so you know, everyone just tolerates you". I did not acknowledge her antics and went on my merry way.
No apology on either side. Even though I was harsh, I know I wasn't wrong. And frankly I'm tired of always having to fix everything.
FIL has not seen our kids in all this time. He refuses to go anywhere without his wife. Yes he actually has stated this. Well now he's pressing my hubby about visiting them with our daughters. (I'm invited too of course, he says. But MIL flat out said she won't apologize.) Now hubby is annoyed because he doesn't want to go. We decided not to have our kids around her. And he doesn't even want to deal with her himself.
But of course we're moving to GA soon. We've already planned a big party. MIL and FIL are both invited.
So would you play nice and visit? Or would you stand your ground?
"just so you know, everyone just tolerates you".
Reply:
"Oh wow! That's amazing! Everyone just tolerates you too! Who'd have thought we'd have SO MUCH in common!".
Any apology you'd ever get from her wouldn't hold any water so don't expect or demand any.
Do you understand the concept of projection as a defense mechanism?
So when she says her most hurtful things, that's actually how she feels about herself. Its a mirror. Everybody just tolerates her. Probably true.
She just can't deal with reality. Her self esteem is at the bottom of the barrel.
You can't fix that. Boundaries are not to punish her, they are to protect your family's emotional health. Has anything changed since you set that boundary to make you feel safe without it? No. People are just ignoring it.
Till things change (she gets help or FIL quits enabling her) then the boundary sticks.
We've been living within a boundary for a few yrs. it gets much easier.
Except for one short period of time when they first challenge that boundary and find it holds. Then they try that much harder and put much more pressure on you to change that boundary. It's an extinct burst. It goes away, hang in there.
"Gee dad, we would love for you and mom to come see the kids. Let us know what day is good for you guys to come over. Maybe we could BBQ or something?"
Repeat as needed.
End of discussion.
Ditto Mymission.
I would absolutely play nice and visit. Your kids are about to move away from their grandfather. It would be a wonderful thing to do for them. Who knows when they will get a chance to see him again.
I would go, out on a happy face and do my best to smile and be cheerful and positive. This is important for your kids. They need to remember the grandfather that loves them. Do everything you can to avoid conflict and have a nice time.
Whether it works or not, whether everyone behaves or not, at least you will know that you tried, and your kids will know that you tried. Any bad memories will really be on them and not you. Your kids need to know that you tried.
What you don't want is for your kids to not get to see their grandfather before they move and in anyway think that there was something you could have done to let them see him and for them to resent you for it.
Do it for your kids.
So it sounds to me like your FIL is defending his wife and your DH is defending his. So why does FIL think anything will be resolved by forcing people to interact? If he won't go ANYWHERE without her, then he's shooting his own foot, not just with your family.
Perhaps your DH needs to tell his father, "Look, we are moving to Georgia. I would prefer to see you before we go. You and MIL are both invited, but please only come if you can be civil." You've already invited them. You can be civil, right? Maybe get a friend to be your wingman and "need your help" anytime MIL comes near you. The invite has been given. They come or they don't, and it's no longer about whatever grudge she thinks you might hold. Or what she does.
In my experience, pushing people to get along rarely works.
I am extremely non-confrontational, so I would just play nice... As long as she does.
My avoidance of conflict aside, I WILL NOT be disrespected in my own home (or at my own party, if it's at a different venue...) so if she can't behave herself she will have to leave. I wouldn't try to get an apology out of her, and would likely casually avoid her as much as possible while at the party without outright snubbing her/ being obvious about it.
Ball's in their court. He said he wants to see the kids, and you extended an invitation to BOTH of them. If he doesn't want to come, then his assertion that he wants to see his grandkids is lie, and is really about having the upper hand.
i'm not clear on where you are vis-a-vis HER apology. if she did so, would you then allow the kids around them? was your decision to withhold your kids from based on something she's done, or simply because you yourselves don't care for her?
what's up with the party? are you assuming they won't come?
if things are this tense, i suppose i wouldn't go. your husband can make up his own mind. if he goes, i hope he takes your kids. it's a pity they don't have a relationship with their grandfather.
khairete
S.
I agree with AV. I think that's the best policy.
And ignoring the MIL is best when you have to be around her.
Play nice and visit.
We have a similar thing with my hubby's brother and his wife. The kids get along GREAT (we have 5; they have 3) and have so much fun. We all get together for the kids. Because we focus on the kids (and put our history aside), it's not that bad "tolerating each other".
For the kids' sake, I would visit. There are MANY times I have put my pride aside (and yes, that is exactly what is in your way, pride) to do things for or with my grandkids. So, you have to decide if you are big enough to do that or small enough to put your personal feelings first.
Remember, you are doing this for the kids, not the in-laws. You just need to look at it from a different perspective
Even if you got an apology, that will NOT fix the whole drama of the relationships and negative family dynamics.
You don't have to fix everything.
Your Husband does not have a good relationship with his Stepmom. Only a miracle will probably change that.
What is is.
Meaning, an apology from her to you, will not fix things and it will not make things all better. Because, having other problems will be inevitable. Even if you do get an apology.
I know a couple of people, who for YEARS, will not interact with certain family members, because they never got an apology from their "enemy" relative. So just because they never got an apology, the family never gets along. Sometimes, a person doesn't want to get along anyway, because the other relative is so toxic. So that is their decision and that can be the only choice in a toxic situation. And they are standing their ground, based on they never got an apology. But realize, that MANY people, even if they are wrong and know they are wrong... they will NEVER EVER, apologize. They are not capable of that act.
Ever. So waiting for an apology in that situation, you will be waiting for an apology all your life. Because it will not happen.
Some people just do not have the ability to realize that they are even, wrong.
Don't hang your hat, on hoping she will apologize.
Its a waste of time. And it will only cause you deeper frustrations.
You are all moving anyway.
You invited MIL and FIL. That's fair protocol.
Just play nice and visit. Unless you and you Husband don't want to do that. Then just don't visit. And that is your right to do so too. Since MIL seems to toxic.
