I'm Trapped!

P., please do not think that I do not understand how difficult this is or that I am speaking against you. I am going to be blunt, however, because it is important to see this situation in blunt terms.

Both of your daughters are extremely small. YOU ARE THE ONLY ADULT. It is absolutely and completely in your control and it is absolutely and completely your responsibility to protect the older child from your younger child. It is absolutely and completely your job to train your younger child to behave properly. There is NO excuse for allowing her to get away with this.

I have a strong willed little boy who would dominate his older sister IF I ALLOW it, and I do NOT. He has to learn to be fair and kind if he wants to get along in this world and I would be hurting his future if I did not make him learn. If he bullies his siste I tell him he has to be kind, I explain to him two options that are fair and he can pick (for example, "let sister have a turn with the toy or go to your room until you are ready to share.?) IF he does not pick while I count down from 5, I pick him up and take him to his room. He must stay there until he is ready to behave. If he says he is ready but does not behave, then he goes back to his room. He has cried himself to sleep exactly one time. Mostly he decides to share before I am through counting. He had to learn to do that because there were consequences for his actions.

If he cannot control his sorrow when he is in his room, I will take him a glass of water, rock him in a chair, hug and kiss him and explain to him why he is there and tell him again that if he wants to come out and play, he has to do what I am asking. Sister deserves kindness and he will show it to her or he will not be allowed to play.

You have to have patience and strength. You are the mother. You decide how everyone will behave or they will suffer the consequences. You carry out the consequences. (I NEVER hit my children, by the way. I teach them and give them space to understand the teachings and make their own decisions without hurting eachother or any one else).

I suggest taking a parenting class. Google "parenting classes in New York" and I am certain that you will come up with a variety. Or you can go to your local India association or other cultural center and find older women to befriend who can tell you what worked for them. You need a mentor and some guidance to help you get through this. That is OK. We all need help.

Good luck to you. You can do this.

I think maybe you are being too hard on yourself? Unless you are abusive, you won't be causing depression in your 3 year old. Are you abusive?

Read them books, then you don't have to make up stories. Take them out to parks. Find a mom's group.

It sounds like neither your needs nor your daughters' needs are being met with the current state of affairs. Try to see this as an opportunity to learn more about effective parenting. I have three strong recommendations that have helped many parents in similar situations:

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish. This is a resource you reach for again and again. It's my current favorite with my 4.5yo grandson. The techniques and ideas are mutually respectful, and they work brillliantly. The book is fun to read, too.

Often if a child simply feels she's been heard and understood, her behavior will improve, and she won't have to try so hard to get what she thinks she needs. The book Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child by John Gottman, and the concept of Emotion Coaching, another term you can google,m offer lots of useful information on this phenomenon. (Here's one good link to get you started: http://www.education.com/reference/article/important-pare... .)

Finally, I'm planning to read "Raising your Spirited Child" because of the recommendations I've seen on mamapedia, and the fantastic reviews it gets on Amazon. I don't currently have any wildly spirited or stubborn kids in my life on a regular basis, but I do help out young moms from time to time, and I expect this will eventually be useful.

I can't stress how important reading books to your children at this age is. Dr Seuss books are very colorful, funny and easy to understand. Put your daughters on either side of you and read and look at the pictures and teach them to read too. My granddaughter is only 2 and she can already read a few of the books on her own. Then they will spend time quietly reading so you can have a break. Children love to be talked to and taught things. Take them for a walk and look at butterflies and flowers and other things that nature has to offer. Explain to the girls what they are and what they do. Let them smell different flowers so they can learn that aroma is important. Talk to them about everything you do in the house. If its time to turn on or off a light tell them and show them how to do it too. Have them help you cook in the kitchen, have them help with washing dishes and other little chores. Treat them like little grown ups, they want your attention Mommy.

HI
Being in NY, I know for a fact that the NY Public Library has free children's programs----get them there! There's story time, arts & crafts, puppet shows, and game time. Also NY is filled with parks, water sprinklers, free museums,
etc. Many churches have parenting classes and support groups---even if you don't belong to that church. Give it a try. And remember, YOU are the adult and kids learn from our actions--handle the situations with calmness and a loving attitude.
Also, at home, play with blocks, playdough, CandyLand, Chutes & LAdders, Twister, jump rope, hula hoops, bubbles, chalk (hopscotch), dance with them to the radio (Radio Disney). Good Luck!

As an older child growing up and observing my own children, what I have noticed and what we as parents fail to recognize sometimes is that the younger one is not being a tyrant. They are both anxious for space to grow and learn and by being siblings they also need each other. Your first child had NO distraction, had her own toys and all of your time. Your 2nd one has no chance to breathe because the older one is either dragging her around as playmate or leaving her out, so that leaves the younger one to fight for space and pretty much defend herself. By them being both young, quite likely they like the same toys, want to read the same book, and everything for them both is territorial. So I would suggest giving them each if possible their own attention or as someone suggested going to a place where they can have interraction and activities outside of each other.

i agree with SA Mamma H, you must stop this bullying that your younger child is doing. and if she sees that you are a pushover and let her get away with this behavior,she will be bullying you next! Good luck

Alright, I had a good girlfriend of mine tell me recently that when her girls were three and two that she had to tell the older one to just hit the little one back. She was so protective of her baby sister that she would let her just beat her up and not fight back. Now they are getting on very well several months later. I haven't been there yet, but what I do when my older on is being rough on the baby is I send him to his room for a while and have him come out and apologize to his baby brother. If he does it again, he goes to his room again. I don't put up with it at all and if he wants to spend his day in his room on punishment, that is his choice. Hasn't happened yet, after a time or two of a good, serious time out, he starts behaving better. So maybe send the two year old to her room or time out or a naughty chair, whatever works, EVERY time she is mean to her sister. I don't put up with my son being too rough with his brother and if the tables turn later I won't put up with my younger son being mean to his big brother. That is what works for me. Good luck!!! You are in charge, so whatever you do be consistent and let those girls know you mean business:)

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Bottom line is you are the parent. It takes a lot of time and devotion and patience to make changes in toddler behavior. There are consequences for actions and they have to be enforced every single time. you can't stop because you are tired, busy, cooking, etc. If one of my kids hits the other for example, I say "we don't hit", they go straight to time out then I get down to eye level and explain we don't hit, then they have to apologize. Every single time. If it's something small, try redirection with the younger.

You have to get them out of the house. Try things like story time at the local library. I used to bring a snack and a drink so my son would sit and listen to the librarian. Eventually he got it and we didn't have to bring the snack in with us. But it took time and work. We did toddler gymnastics, music class for toddlers, etc. Again, all of these activities were so he would learn to sit and listen, to follow directions, participate with others. These are not things children automatically know. They must be taught and sometimes it's hard work for us as a parent.

It is so easy to do activities with little ones-color, read a book, take a walk, go to the park, there are tons of on-line preschool sites with activities galore.

You simply can not allow a 2 year old to rule the house. Get a plan in place for your family and follow it every day.