My Son Is a Terror

I only have a 1 year old, but my very close friend has a 4 year old boy who is also very smart and energetic. She has used a set of books that started with, "The Happiest Baby on the Block." You might try reading the next one or two in the series. Along with, "Positive Discipline," you may find some new techniques for moderating his behavior.

try this new book: http://www.alankazdin.com/kazdin_method.htm

Dr. Kazdin is an expert and his method is based on years of good research

I am sure he is a DOLL, BUT

you need to Do 2 things,

Teach him HOW to listen, and MAKE him follow the rules

When he argues back,
DO NOT TALK

JUST say your piece one time and then put him in a time OUT

( I use the bed room for temper tantrums)
Many people are against that stating that it creates a negative feeling in their bedrooms

So far this hasn't bee the case for ME.

I have 3 boys and my eldest is 11 years old

ALL throw tantrums and all are bright, ect..

Basically your luckier than MOSt because your a SAHM

When a situation occurs where he is trying to ARGUE
DO NOT RESPOND,

say very firmly,

I said NO and if you continue, you'll go to your room
( very firm and very matter of fact)

When he argues back SEND him to his room point and say Go to your Room right now

If he goes GOOD but if not

LIFT him up and put him in his bed,

and leave the room

if he follows put him back in his bed

if he destroys some toys or furniture

PUT HIM in a CARSEAT and lock him in

If he tries to unbuckle it Don't let him

LET him scream and carry on but DOn't say a WORD

When he finishes crying , and screaming and is starting to calm down

cuddle him, BUT NOT until he stops screaming

Hug him for a few minutes and while your holding him,
Explain that althought its hard for him,
HE must listen,
and he MUST follow the rules

That from now on, When he misbehaves, he will be sent to his room,

THEN,

Say, I want you TO ( do whatever it is you told him)

And HELP him follow THRU,

IT will take about 2 weeks for him to grab the concept,

and realize that your serious,

But after he Does,

I suggest you enroll him into a School program
and A SPORT such as Soccer or swimming

He needs a more structured enviornment and a routine
and to be in situations where he learns to follow the rules

---

I tell you WHY you must DO this,

FOR YOUR SON, He needs this,

If you let him get away with behaving destructively, and FAILING to discipline, he will suffer for it in SCHOOL
he will have NO friends, and the School will call you in to discuss his "PROBLEMS"

Teacher Do NOT have as much patience and will not tolerate it,
THey do not love him, like you do,

---

For the record, MY oldest was exactly like your son,
He is bright and capable
However, he Didn't realize that he wasn't supposed to talk back, and When he finally DID realize he found it hard ot control that,

Feel free to email me,

Good Luck

M

First of all, I applaud you for even asking for help in this department! That's a great start! These days I see too many parents who seem afraid to "parent" and even more afraid to admit any fault with their children. So, kudos to you for being so brave! I have 3 kids and my first two (ages 14 and 12)were and still are very cooperative. My third (who's now 8) is a different story. While she is maturing and is much easier to handle for now (I am dreading the teen years!), she is and will always be what I like to call "spirited". That really means DIFFICULT! I don't think it's possible for anyone to really give you accurate parenting advice without spending time with you and your son. But what I thought might help is for me to share a little of my own experience and maybe you can relate or maybe not. But I hope it's a least somewhat helpful.

Also, I recommend this book: Nurture By Nature. Fantastic read for all parents! Helps you identify your child's personality and parent accordingly. It's very validating to know that your child's personality is a "type" instead of a "problem".

I believe what makes my daughter tough is that she is very smart and her mind never stops. Sitting still and concentrating have never been her strengths. And being around other people just revs her up even more! She LOVES attention!

But I also discovered early on that structure and firm, consistent discipline was key to bringing out the best in her. She really did take away a lot of our peace in our family life for quite a while. Dinners, play dates, car rides, outings, etc. could all be ruined by this little spirited, adorable, funny toddler.

I put her in preschool early and she thrived. And at home I started trying to create situations that would bring out the best in her so instead of our focus being on how tough she was, our focus shifted to all the positives about her. It was kind of like behavior management therapy of types. And I also instituted FIRM, CONSISTENT DISCIPLINE. Since she was so smart, I took the time to sit her down, talk to her as if she was older than she was and clearly state what I expected out of her and what would be the consequences if she disobeyed the rules~ just like they do in preschool. Interestingly, the school didn't have problems with her like I did at home. While being consistent was draining for me, it really did work!

She is an attention junkie, as I like to call it. So a lot of what she does that gets her in trouble is for attention. Giving positive attention helps counteract the negative (catch them being good). I started avoiding situations as much as possible that brought out the worst in her such as grocery shopping (too many temptations and "mommy can I have's"), the movies (too long for her to sit), long play dates, etc.

I was very exhausted at the end of those long, long days! And I thought I could not continue to handle this child. But, it has paid off and she is maturing nicely. She is still spirited, but she has learned some self-control and I don't worry about her behavior as much anymore.

One thing that worked with her and still does is setting up her next age as a milestone. Like when she was approaching 5 I would say something like: "five year olds know how to share all of their toys, so when you turn five you have to share like a five year old, ok?" and when she turned 8 just two months ago I told her "you're 8 now, so you can't keep bothering your brother or sister like that anymore. that's what 7 year olds do, but not 8. so when you're 8 you have to stop that, ok?" I think it works because, these kids WANT to behave, they're smarter beyond their years, but their energy gets the best of them. And it also seems to make them feel they have some control- which is very important to them.

I still have to use good old fashioned rewards and consequences (bribery, really) to motivate. And I still have to invest a lot of time talking to her about her behavior (she has a tendency to be negative and since she was 4 we have discussed what negative is and how she can counter act that tendency and it works!), but she is maturing and is the light of our lives! She has a spark and charm unlike my other two children and she is the most affectionate - her hugs really melt you.

I know that was a lot to write, but I feel for anyone struggling like I did. It was so difficult and I felt like I was at my wits' end every day. Some mornings I dreaded facing the day with her and that made me feel AWFUL! But it's all worth it in the end. You just have to face the fact that it will be a LOT of work and you HAVE to do it. (that's the hard part when the other two kids were so easy)

I hope that helps a little! Keep us posted on your progress!

Hi D.,
I am sorry for your son being out of control. Sometimes it take lots of patience to deal with such a littleone. I directed a day care center for 8 years, raised 2 of my own children and than hepled raise 3 more children do to the death of their mother. My nephew was a challenge, he was on ritalin for a long time from the age of 4 till 10 he was gradually put up to 80 mgs a day including a time release. I do not recommend this his mom did this,as it was recommended by doctors. When she died he was 10 and we slowly took him off everything.
I do not recommend meds at all. It absolutely did nothing to help. There was no difference in his school work he still is a a-b student. He is now approaching 19 years of age and a great kid..
What I do suggest is strength in your way of thinking.

Try not to think of how adorable he is even when you want to hug and kiss him when he is throwing a tantrum but to be stern and tell him if he continues doing what he is doing you will not listen to what he wants because you already know what he wants. He must listen to what you are saying. What you want is for him to hear you. Look him straight in the eyes and tell him to stop.NOW!!.If it means saying it again repeat it STOP NOW.. Walk away after you said it the second time. Do Not repeat it again. Go on to do something else not including him. What you said will sink into his mind, he may throw stuff but don't pay any attention to that. When he comes over to you and speaks it will be in a softer tone.
That is when you can explain to him that you love him and he must listen and not throw things It is disrespectful. Children know what is right you just have to remind them. Now as far as the things that were thrown by him.
MAKE HIM ALONE PICK THEM UP AND PUT THEM BACK WHERE HE GOT THEM FROM.
Don't do anything else until he does that. That will be the stopping point.Let him know he has gone too far and he is now responsible for his actions. It will teach him responsibility at an early age.Don't be afraid of it. Its a good thing. Slowly the throwing will stop.
Never argue back with him. When he starts just stop what you were doing and walk away do something else never argue with a littleone. He has to follow your actions not you follow his.
He wants you to argue back with him its his little way of winning. If you want to help him don't argue back.

Remember its your way until he respects you and what you want.

Today in this society children are running their parents and there is no time for enjoyment being with them.. Some have no more respect for parents or society Help yours by being strong while he is small. What will you do when he is 14 and its harder to trust and believe in him and if he goes out you don't have to worry about his fighting with others and not worry about his temper flaring Thats time for your rewards to know that you have instilled compassion into his life while he is small.
You did not mention your other child who must be wonderful. God bless you all and good luck.
I hope I was of some help and didn't go on to much..Keep smiling and be happy always..Dottie

D.,

I also have a very active and intelligent four year old boy. He will be five in June and sometimes I wonder if he would be better off in a full day care vs four days a week in preschool. I've spoken with his teachers and the director of the school about his behavior with me (he is defiant and likes to argue sometimes and sometimes he is so agreeable). They assure me he is normal and that I need to continue to be as consistent as possible in his discipline. He is a spirited boy and he is much better with other adults than he is with me. I think, "Why is this so much work?" I read books about difficult children "The Difficult Child" and seek advice whenever I feel things are not working and sometimes I feel we are on the right track. Do you ever feel that it's just a stage he is going through? I encourage you to talk to teachers assuming he is in preschool and address the issues you have with your Pediatrician. Talking to a professional and coming up with a plan that works is my advice. Having a plan with rules and consequences ("Parenting with Love and Logic", a very good book) will make everything seem less overwhelming!!! Good luck and I hope this helps.-C.

I would also look at his diet. You didn't mention if his sibling is older or younger. Could he be looking for more attention from you? Two things that have worked for us to get better listening/discipline. First, he takes karate classes. It is amazing at how much better he's gotten with a focus for his energy as well as the discipline. Second, we have 2 different reward systems we use, a short term one and a longer term one. He gets 'milkshake points' for specific things, like picking up his toys when he ask, remembering his mittens at school, following direction without arguing, whatever we need him to do. He can also LOSE milkshake points. Some days he might get 1 or 2, others he may get up to 5. When he has 25 we go to the local burger joint and he's allowed to get a milkshake. Second, we choose one specific behavior to work on at a time. We have a calendar and he gets a sticker everyday that he does the behavior we want, like for you it could be a day without breaking anything, or without arguing/talking back. Once he gets a certain number of stickers IN A ROW, he gets a pre-determined reward, so he knows what he's working towards. We first used this for potty training, ie: 40 dry nights in a row and he got a big Lego set, then we did 40 nights in a row staying in his own bed for a trip down to the Bronx zoo. Through both of these reward systems, we focus on rewarding him for positive behaviors, being consistent with him so he always knows what to expect from us, and try to lessen the attention we give him for negative behaviors. Good luck!

I am currently reading "Simply Shine" (by Jill Blashack-Strahan founder of Tastefully Simple) and she talks about a really great concept of celebrating what you want to see more of. I have always used the method of taking away something my son really loves to try to stop bad behavior, but I am going to try her method. What she did with her son, was as follows:
put a glass on the top of the fridge. Every time her son did something "wrong" after being told only one time, she would drop a spoon in the glass (making sure it clinked when she put it in) and would leave it at that. When she got to 6 spoons, he lost something. However, when he would do something good she took out a spoon. (her example was when he cleared his dish from the table without being told) After a while, she found that he was looking for good things to do to see the spoons come out of the glass. I think the most important part is being tough and following through with taking something away when you get to the 6th spoon. I have learned that when taking away something, it really has to be something they love (with my son, the TV, Playstation and his leapster hand-held work like a charm). I don't know if it will help you, but sometimes the simplest things can make a huge difference.
Good luck with your son!!

I identify with your predicament, D.. I went through a similar situation, which led me to the following, excellent advice: your smart 4 year old is mature enough to learn that he is a member of a family, and lives in a shared space with shared items that belong to the family. As such, he must be trained to respect the other members of the family and the possessions of the family. Listening is step one, the most important step. If you 'can't' get him to listen, you can at least prevent him from continuing whatever it is he's doing by sitting him down in a time out somewhere. AFter a pause (four minutes?) you can try again to communicate with him. When I started this, I even had to hold down my son physically, but as long as you stay completely calm it works out.

You need to find ways to channel his energy in productive ways....
Even for his age there are swimming classes, little league baseball, gymnastics classes, and even yoga classes.....and cut down stuff that is loaded with sugar from his diet.

You might want to call the "Y" and see what they offer children his age and if nothing, maybe they can direct you to finding some of the activities I have suggested...plus other activities that might grab your childs interest.....or ask the gals at the desk at his doctors office. I tend to think socializing him with children his own age in different activities will teach him boundries.

Be firm with him...he's got to learn NO means NO and to respect other peoples things and feelings and that there's a time when to be gentel...and you need be firm without getting into control battles with him and don't give in because it's easier to do so. A hard process to say the least.

Does he have a lego set or building logs....something that's his, that he can build with and then take apart and destroy if he wants to.

He's behavior could be over getting your full attention...even if it's unpleasant attention. Try spending more quality time with him alone and be sure to praise him for all the good things he does. Give him time, he'll work it out when he notice there is a big difference.

hi D... sometimes kids need to know where there boudaries are.. do you have 'house rules' like supernanny suggests? my 4 year old pushes back ..a lot... what works for us is if he doesn't listen or is being difficult, we tell him that if he doesn't stop, a toy or video(usually a favorite)will be taken away and he has to earn it back. This has worked for us in the past. you may also want to consider if he is having sensory processing issues...does he bump into things or other people on purpose, doesn't know where he is in space? good luck! i am still trying to figure it all out as well (he'll be 20 and i'll just get it! hahaha)
J.

Hi D.,

There is an interesting book out there called "Raising Your Spirited Child" by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. I just got it myself but haven't had a chance to read it yet because I'm too busy with my spirited child!! HA. But I've heard its a really good resource on parenting the amazing energetic "more" type of child. I think I have one of those also! Good Luck.

K.

On one hand, you son might be going through a phase of testing the limits of his boundaries. You must clear and consise limitations and keep consistant. It's too easy to let the rules go because he is smart and precocious. HOWEVER, and take heed from one who is living this life. If you think that something is amiss with your child, seek out testing and advice from your public school or pediatrician. Often we see behaviors such as this that kids "grow" out of and often we see them as a symptom. If this is a symptom and not a phase, you might be dealing with some type of neurological disorder such as ADHD and biopolar. No Dr. will diagnose a 4 year old with biopolar, but statistics show that ADHD and biopolar run comorbid (they often run in children together), in fact, psychiatrists and psychologists and neurologists are just starting to whisper among themselves about childhood bipolar.
And often these children are VERY bright. Trust your instincts. If YOU think something is going on, dont stop trying to get answers. Extended family sometimes will be in denial about your child having an issue. They will say that you arent raising him right, that "boys will be boys" and unfortunately if it isnt a phase, your son will suffer when he enters elementary school and the other children keep their distance or pick on him. I pray for you that it is just a phase and that you and he will manage through it.Good Luck.

Hello D.! I can sympathize with you! I have a little girl who will be 2 in March and as I like to refer to her as "spirited". I have been reading a book by Michael Popkin, Phd. called, "Taming the spirited child". Other words for "spirited" include, hyperactive, curious, rebelious, active, uncontrollable. There is nothing wrong with him, he is just "different". I suggest getting a copy of this book and read it. It has helped me out and has calmed my thoughts of thinking I will go crazy. Best of luck to you!

A.

I have a 4 year old boy as well...altho, it looks as if your son may be reacting to your recent surgery. BUT, my suggestion is taking things away from him if he is acting naughty. IE. If he talks back after one warning. Tell him you will take away tv for that nite or his favorite power ranger or his leapster...etc. etc. Time outs to me seem to not work with my 4 yr old anymore (my 2 year old is another story tho...she cries when i put her in time out!!)

Look up the book The Difficult Child by Stanley Turecki and Leslie Tonner. My son is twelve now and seems to have outgrown it, but when he was four I found this book to be a huge help.

Hi D.. I have to agree with Julie W. I have 2 children myself and my oldest will be 4 this July. She has very similar behaviors as your son and is also extremely intelligent. I was down at my mothers a few weeks ago and she was acting out so badly I just wanted to rip my hair out. My mother suggested to me that I start taking away the things that she really likes to do as a consequence for her not doing what is asked of her. It's not easy at all. But, what I do is I ask her to, for example, pick up a game or her coloring books and crayons. If she doesn't do it after I've asked her to, I then will tell her that I've asked her to pick it up once and now I'm going to count to 3 and if it's not picked up she'll lose computer time for either the rest of that day or the next day depending on the time of the behavior. She lost 2 of her favorite activities for the same day and let me tell you, it was not easy to deal with. She cried and cried and tried to get me to give in. The hardest part is following through with your actions. If you say that you're going to take something away, you have to stick with it. Like everyone else has said, it takes time. You have to have alot of patience with it. I wish you the best of luck and if you have any other questions, feel free to e-mail me.
~ K.

It is very difficult to have a destructive child. Is he breaking things because he is trying to find out how things work? or is it just about breaking it? Repetition about the right behavior and removing privileges as a natural consequence for either kind of destructive behavior works very well. He is only 4.

Further, please remove all processed foods, sugar, and caffeine, if that is part of the diet. You never know how these chemicals can trigger behavior in different children. Some foods may set off behavior.

Your four year old may need to have his energy refocused to something that tires him out.

Whatever you decide, you must get him to listen to you now because soon enough he will be bigger than you, and discipline will be a much harder issue.

Good luck,
Ana M.

My kids are 12 and 9. My own children do not like to listen and it was very hard when they were 4. 4 is not an easy age. It got better.

There is no reason why a 4 yr. old has to be out of control. "He's just a boy" will come back to haunt you unless you get a handle on it now. I really like the techniques that Jo uses on Supernanny. The first thing would be to post the family house rules (including: respect people and property, be kind to those around you, etc.). Your son would then know what is expected of him. You could even set up a token keeper. When you catch him being good around the house, he gets a token. If he has so many, he gets a prize (sticker, night out with mom and dad etc.). When he disobeys the rules, it's time out for 4 minutes. "My kid won't stay in time-out." You're right, he won't...right away. Many times it takes 45 minutes to an hour to get your kid to stay there. Each time he gets out and runs away, you go get him and place him back in time-out. Don't communicate whatsoever. He WILL eventually give in and stay there. The second time it may take 40 minutes to get him to stay there for 4 min. but each time you do it, he'll see you're being consistent. When the 4 minutes is up, you thank him for staying put, insist on a "sorry" and get a hug. Don't allow him to take advantage of you or your things anymore. You can do this!!

Hi D.,

I agree with the poster who said not to allow being "just a boy" as an excuse for bad behavior. Being a boy doesn't mean being out of control, destructive, disobedient. If you expect him to behave, he can. He cannot argue with you if you do not argue back. If you want him to toe the line, then you must set firm rules and guidelines, and be consistent in the consequences if he does not follow them. Do not allow any arguing. Being smart doesn't mean that you don't need to listen to your parents or follow rules - that surely won't go over well in school next year. If he does not listen to anything you say, then he is defiant and that really isn't adorable. If you have not been able to find a way to effectively discipline him, you might want to consult a behavioral specialist.

Good luck!

The best advice I have ever received was to get down on his level whenever he is acting in a destructive way and look him in the eye and say no! No is only worth saying if you can stand in your no longer than he can test your waters. If you can't say no to his adorable face now...the "best" is yet to come. If you let him have some appropriate limits now, like not destroying everything it will serve him well later. He's very bright so don't expect him not to test your resolve.

Okay I think it must be a stage because my 4 year old daughter is acting very similar. She is not so destructive as sneaky and getting into things that she knows she is not allowed in. She argues back about everything, even if I am correcting a word she says. I call her Sassy, but that is an understatement. It seems like she is just bored, she needs more projects and when I can make time to do those with her she acts better. I think she is showing signs of being ready for Kindergarten, which thankfully she will be starting in September. Try to give your son a little special one on one time even if it is helping you cook in the kitchen or work in preschool workbooks with tons of positive reinforcement. Believe me I am far from perfect, but when I can make special time for my daughter our days seem to go better. Good luck!