If Your Husband/significant Other Told You...

How long have you been with him????

Is this the life you want?

Will you both go to counseling?

These things, do not just go away. It takes time, to improve, if it can.

He has issues too... which gets twisted when it comes out of his mouth... because he lacks communication skills and emotional control and maturity.... will HE work on that? And with a counselor?

Many issues... which needs to be worked on JOINTLY... or it will not get better.. .and then it will continue to be an emotional competition... with both sides NOT getting satisfaction or getting it solved.

I'm sure this is not the first time... there has been this type of 'problem' with him or you.... and both sides are obviously frustrated, to say the least.

The ROOT of the problem, has to be solved first... mutually.

good luck,
Susan

I'd probably say, "If you think, for one minute, that I'm going to go to work and support you, while you sit here and sauce yourself, after you cut me down a few hours ago and then didn't have the balls to own up to it after I called you out about it, then you can pay for all this (and I would gesture around the living room) yourself."

Then I'd leave.

Yes, I'd feel crummy. Angry. Hostile. Really really mad. Frustrated. Want to hurt him back, even.

But what does that accomplish? Does your anger affect anyone other than you? He hurt you with his words and deeds and you hurt yourself with your anger. The longer you hang on to your (justified!) anger, the longer you cause yourself pain. And he clearly wants that. He wants your anger.

So don't judge yourself for being angry, just acknowledge your anger. Say, "I'm angry" and don't let those angry movies of revenge and what if's play out in your head. Recognize them for what they are -- your continued pain. Let them go. Say again, "I'm angry" and let that be all you say on the matter (internally). this takes some discipline, but it is liberating for you. Take a breath. And another. Really, the only way you ever need to react to any situation is by taking a breath and being honest with yourself about how you feel.

Doing that will clear your mind so that you can deal with the situation rationally. And I do understand if you want to be angry. He was rotten. I'm just saying it adds to your pain to hold on to that anger.

You don't tell enough of your marriage story to advise further. It sounds like he's not always a jerk, that this was a moment for him. We all have really rotten moments. You can try to figure out what prompted it. Address that underlying issue with compassion and love (*not always easy!) and then once you've done that tell him how very hurtful and disappointing his behavior was. Then forgive him, if you can. Forgiveness liberates you as well as him and allows you to move forward.

I hope that his underlying issue is not a very difficult one. I hope that you two are able to work through it with reason and compassion for one another and restore your loving relationship.

All the best.

I would not have tried to have a heart to heart with him about life and finances and feelings after he had been drinking. Not a good time or place as you will experience what happened to you.

I would definitely be upset about the situation if he is wasting money and time and contributing zero to the household but would choose to consult him about it when he is sober. One thing I have learned about having a father with a drinking problem is that you never try to engage in serious conversation or get emotional about what they are doing when they are drunk.

I would certainly talk to him about the situation and lay my feelings on the table but I would also make sure to check in with what he is going through (it is obviously something) so you are more likely to get answers. Your feelings are not wrong and are certainly justified but the timing to address them is not. There is no reasoning with a drunk.

It sounds like you tried to have a conversation with him after he has had "who knows how many" beers. Maybe you should choose better timing. I have never dated anyone who drank, nor did my ex or does my current husband. I'm sure that is most of the problem. Not sure how to fix it since I'm not around people who get drunk. Good luck.

get out of that relationship. If he was already drinking before work he's an alcoholic. You can't have a conversation with someone who has already had so many drinks. Otherwise fine help for him. It's not healthy for you or (since you are on mammapedia) your children. He could get fired for not showing up and how is that going to affect your budget? If he can't realize what he is doing and is not responsible for your family then get out for the sake of your children.

I would probably be very hurt by his irresponsible behavior. As far as the disregard for the need of the household. AND I would be pissed off because the behavior seems very childish and immature. And misdirected. Who is he "punishing" here? We all do thing s every day that I don't really feel like doing but I do them.
Can he just not show up for work? Is he self employed? If not--who does that?
Not sure what you said that ticked him off so much but if he talks the talk then he needs to walk the walk when you do express yourself as he requests.
If there's a drinking problem here, have you tried Alanon?
Sorry you're dealing with this.

I've been in similar situations. My husband always says he wants me to communicate with him...but, honey, if it's about him, he has demonstrated time and again, that he doesn't really want to hear it - he views it as a confrontation, not communication. You referenced a few comments he had made earlier in the day so I'm thinking he also said something that hurt you. I'm a very sensitive person so these things can nag at me but if I try to "fix it" by talking it out with him, it can instead escalate. What has helped sometimes is to let it go for a few days. (Let it go means no cold shouldering your partner either) After a couple of days, things that upset me frequently don't seem so hurtful. Or other things are said or happen that otherwise reduce the hurt I felt. This really cuts down on what my husband perceives as confrontation and actually it helps me identify what's important to try to communicate/confront and what's not as important.

That's a decision HE made, not you. He apparently quitting is not going to affect your income/budget etc based on what you said. So let him get some time to think about what he did. After a while, he will see how immature that was for him to do. If his intention was to "get back at you", then it's not doing any good with both of you out of a home now, is it? I would try to have a plan B in the event things begin to get really rough and see how finances will go for your sake and your kids - I wouldn't even throw it back in his face. Give him time to think about his actions and let it go.

I won't go as far to call him an alcoholic because I don't know the circumstances but why was he drinking before work anyway?
He seems very immature. I would have a problem with all of this.

Ummm, how do YOU feel about this? You are entitled to your feelings.

Sounds like he's not a mature individual. Maybe you aren't either. Maybe he couldn't handle what you said. Maybe you both had a bad day.

If he routinely goes to work after having a few drinks, well, that's bad. If he calls in sick because he doesn't "feel like" working, but gets paid time off - don't know if I have a problem with that. We all need mental-health days every now and then.

Hard to say how I would handle something like this. I guess my answer would be, "it depends...."

When your significant other is drinking is NOT the time to tell him how you feel. The ability to share feelings or reactions to something is when both of you are sober.

What kind of work does he do? He should not be going to work anyway if he's been drinking "who knows how much." I suggest that he uses your comment as a way of blaming you for his missing work. Don't accept blame. Better yet, don't say anything to him that allows him to place the blame on you.

If it were me, I'd leave the relationship, as painful as doing so will be. Until he admits that he's an alcoholic and gets sober it's impossible to have a healthy relationship with him.

I don't know your circumstances. If you want to stay with him, go to Al-anon meetings and learn how to live with someone like him. Sounds like you're feeding into his way of avoiding responsibility.

How would I feel? I'd be so angry, I'd either walk out the door and only return to pick up my things or if it was my house, I'd tell him to leave and change the locks. I know your life isn't that simple but I would find a way to stay out of his craziness. You can stay out of it with him while still living with him but finding a way that works for you will be difficult and time consuming. Is he worth it?