I Think I've Lost It...

It feels good to do everything, but the resentment that can come from it outweighs the good. Here are a few shortcuts:

1. trash can by hubby's couch
2. spend the $ for dish towels on paper plates
3. stop cooking at least 3 days a week, sandwiches are healthy, soups, fruits and cereal too.
4. be positive w/ the girls. can the 16 yr old drive? take your car and run a few errands?
5. do laundry on weekends, girls can get extra allowance for pitching in.
6. tell 16 yr old that by showing extra responsibility, she can borrow your car.
7. ask relatives for help (so you can teach the 16 yr old to drive if needed.

Good Luck!

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First I would just like to say I hope everything gets better... You need to cut out some of these extra activities, atleast for a couple of weeks. Don't ask your children to help make them help...Your the Boss...If you cut out the soccer, cheer and tumbling the children will have more time to help. My daughter helps even when schedules aren't hectic. You really cant complain when you have these extra carricular activities that are not a need for you or your children. I don't go to church like I should either but that is probaly the one activity you need right now. Ask your husband to clean up after himself, blow off some steam with him. GOOD LUCK.

I didn't have time to read the other responses so forgive me if this is repetitive. First, if your husband is depressed, he needs to see his doctor and address the issue. Second, lower your standards a little and stop rescuing everyone. They will allow you to rescue them. If you give in at all, they will know that they just have to hold out and you will end up doing it. Everyone in the family has to pull their share. Don't ask them to do something tell them to do it and don't take no for an answer. This will be tough for a few days, but when they learn you mean business, they will stop fighting you. After dinner, nobody leaves the kitchen until it is clean. Remind them when they go to bed each night that if their clothes are not in the laundry, they don't get washed. Make a schedule and have them do chores like laundry, etc. Your oldest will be on her own in a few short years and she needs to know how to do laundry and cleaning. They will push your buttons and try excuses like "I have too much homework" or "Do you really want me to fail?" If you have a hot button, they will find it and exploit it. Make it their problem, not yours. It is about time management. Take away the things that matter to them. For example, tell them that they can explain to their coach why they cannot come to the game if they choose not to do their chores. It is not your choice it is their choice not to make time. Young girls are crafty and can find time to do the things that THEY want to do. You can create the motivation needed for them to WANT to do their chores. If they have to stay up late a few nights and not get enough sleep, it is temporary. They will find a way to get it done.

I know how you feel! Except it's when my husband is deployed for several months & we have a 3 year old daughter who can't help much anyways!

Your daughters definitely do need to help out. As for their clothes... instead of just not doing their laundry, pick up any of their dirty clothes and put them in a garbage bag & put them away somewhere!! When they realize they have no more clothes, explain to them that they should be helping take care of those clothes. Get their bags of clothes & make them sort & wash them.

Hubby should be able to fold clothes while sitting on the couch. Leave him some baskets of clothes & empty baskets to fold & sort them in.

For the dishes, do you have any sort of stool that hubby could rest on while doing the dishes? And/or have your daughters take turns helping!! If they want to eat, they need to help!

I agree with the trashcan by wherever he sits so that he can keep his trash picked up!!

For your daughters' activities, could the parents of some of their friends in those activities help out by picking them up or bringing them home sometimes? At least for the few weeks while your husband is recovering.

I hope you find something that works!! Good luck!

You have not lost it you are over wham. I was in the same spot a few years ago with my family. I went on strike. I didn't cook or clean or take anyone anywhere until my house was clean by someone other than me. Make a chore list your girls are old enough to take over doing the laundry totally. You have a 16 year old does she know how to cook let her. Plan days that she can. You have to teach her how to care for her self when she is an adult. The 10 year old can start too with help. I have a blind child that can cook and can do his own laundry. No excuses. Cleaning of the bathrooms they should of been doing this years ago. As far as the husband goes with trash around him put a trash can there beside his chair. Talk to the coaches about what is going on at home you may find that they will support you.

You poor thing. You've set yourself up for a big mess. Your husband is depressed . . . get a priest, pastor to stop for a visit. If he can get up to fix his snacks he can get up to take a bath. Make a list of jobs he can do from his sitting position -- like folding the clothes you left but he didn't, paying the bills, organizing the filing, going through the piles of mail. Leave a trash can can nearby so he can drop his empty snack bags. As for your lovely children, if they can't do chores to help out, cut back on the extra curricular activities. See how that workds for them. Everyone has to do their share. And for goodness sake. Take some time for yourself. Have a grilled cheese and tomato soup night or breakfast night. Everyone has to learn to help out. DO NOT HUNT FOR CLOTHES in their room. Set up laundry bins in the laundry room. Wash clothes twice a week.

Good luck. Do something about the mess you've gotten yourself into.

Keep us posted on your progress.

Dear Hg D,

You are reasonably "just tired." With that said, I haven't read the other replies, but can offer what is humble and behavior modifying advice (a long read too.)
To start, your hubby and his declining - hygiene, mood, helpfulness and even admission are HUGE indicators that is he depressed. Have him see a PCP if money is tight to start on a common antidepressant (welbutrin, lexapro, etc.) Depending your family's income/#dependents, regardless of insurance coverage, you might be able to get Patient Assistance Program (PAP) to help with med cost. Each pharmaceutical company has their own program, your doctor does have to do paperwork. So you have to ask.

Next you are the sole everything at home and the only way to change this is to stop. With that said, do not go cold turkey on the family at once. Instead, give everyone a chore list and tell them it takes effect on a Monday because you are locking the house down on a Saturday and everything will be cleaned,, washed, etc as they are all helping on that weekend. Things like laundry should not be done in 3 small loads, etc... so instead make put storage bins/trash bags(whatever is feasible for your budget) in the laundry room that state white/light, colors, towels, etc(however you divide laundry.) Then put a note on the door that says laundry is washed Mon & Thurs (whatever 2 days work for you and your family's routine). Include on the note a time "Clothes in the bin will be washed at 9pm the night chosen and should be dry by 11pm." Then assign both girls to divide the laundry and fold their own (same day or following day.) As long as hubby can sit and breathe, he can fold yours and his clothes. In time you can pass the washing to the 16yr old and the folding to all 3 of them. Whatever you do, BE CONSISTENT and FOLLOW THROUGH. This will require much strength, but little stress. So when one of the kids needs a certain clothing item by a certain day and time, they need to learn to have it in the bin by the posted time. Do not make exceptions, instead let them wear a dirty uniform and that one time meltdown will catapult them into getting it together. And stay calm when they melt offering only the statement "I can't do it all, we agreed to these rules and this problem arose due to your lack of planning."

Now onto to dinner ... there are 7 days in the week. I suggest a designated dish day for everyone, 1 for each child, 2 for each parent, and the last is paper plate day. Also, do not go collecting dishes from other rooms. Like the clothes, let them learn the appropriate place. If you find your dish day with the sink filled with old dishes, then the more severe way to correct this.... pack up all the dishes, except one plate, bowl, cup and set of utensils for each person. Give them their set. Then tell them to wash and dry when finished using so they will have a clean plate at next meal. They will soon learn it's easier to clean immediately after use. This may take a month for all to learn, once they are on board, try the designated dish night again.

Wrappers and trash from snacking hubby, give him a trash bin or grocery store bag to place his snack mess in near the couch and tell him to empty it on his way to bed, no excuse.

Dinner planning, crock pot is great, but also short change them with deli meat sandwiches, a slice of cheese or PB&J. Or even easy over chicken nuggets. If they want a good hearty crock pot meal, then they need to chip in. I promise cold sand. and peanut butter for dinner get old fast. You can even teach them how to bake nuggets or the older child to do mac&cheese. That is plenty for dinner and while not greatly nutritional it gets the job done for the next 3-5 weeks until the other adult can step up. Not to mention, the kids will soon help too. My favorite is Cesar salad which is simply a bottle of dressing, a bag of lettuce (3 stalks of romaine) and bag of shredded parmesan. It takes 2 mins to wash the lettuce, slice it up, toss in bowl, dump dressing and garish with the cheese for a total prep time of 5-6mins. This can easily be taught to both kids to do and it is tasty. There can be store bought box pizza night. Marie Callendar's makes great easy stuff, try her pot pie dinners , and i love the pecan pie dessert. Walmart has cheap small fully cooked chickens in the deli, 2 should cover the family. Cans of green beans or corn can be nuked in the microwave in less than a minute and flavored with butter, salt and pepper( i like Tony's on my veggies.) Again this is all stuff the kids can do. You can still use the crock pot for spaghetti, smothered pork chops, beef stew, roast, etc. And if you can motivate hubby and have a grille, send him out to get fresh air and grill some burgers/hot dogs. And the easiest, a bowl of cereal, even for dinner.

Cleaning the kitchen, living room and wash room should be shared chores, the bedrooms to the individuals and the bathrooms negotiated however works for your family. Mopping and vacuuming can also be rotated. You will be amazed how quick things go when the burden is split.
You are past the point of asking, so don't ask, just tell them, make notes where needed and let everything not designated to you go. Once it all fall apart due to them, they will help.

Carpool, well this is one you can't stop. But you can split with hubby when he is able and if you have trusty fellow parents, you can divvy this up too! Though if they fail to have to have clean clothing, they may not want you to take them anywhere.

As for who you are mad at, it doesn't matter at this point. All that needs to happen is the above. Things & people will change but ONLY "when they have too!"

Do not feel like you are punishing them, Instead you are teaching them great life skills of self care, chores, responsibility, planning skills, time management, respect for authority, consequences exist, and most importantly you will be role modeling that no one should ever go it alone and what it really means to be a family and team player. Them not learning these things is more detrimental as later they will be shocked how much they have to do and they too will think they have to go it alone.
Life is about teammates, partners, coworkers, authority and subordination. Otherwise we would never marry or reproduce but instead isolate.

Explain that you are the mom but not the maid, the chauffeur, the launder, etc.. that you have a job, like they have school and on top of all of that, you have chores at home, just like they do. This will enrich all of your lives and you will soon find energy to make it to church and maybe get a hobby or a movie night out for yourself.

I know this was a mouthful, but I promise results if you follow through. Do expect rebuttal and complaints, this too shall pass. And also expect that once things improve, their will be occasional lapses and testing. Do not fall into your old ways of taking it all on and they will resume.

I say this as a mom, wife, HR director and a business consultant regarding employee relations/productivity. Though my education is in Social Work/Counseling.
Things will get better and you are very much in the norm of families. Thanks to more women working, we assume we can still do all the housework and a job. And while possible, it is draining. Sorry so long. And feel free to whine anytime, this is a great forum for helpful advice.

Many Prayers,
-MB

You have gotten a lot of good advise. I wanted to add my 2 cents. I have two grown children one son and one daughter, and an 8 year old son. I taught the two older ones to do their laundry when they were 12. I got fed up one day when they wouldn't bring me their dirty clothes. I worked full time and raising them on my own. They also had chores, doing dishes after dinner. They both got jobs before they were 16 for extra money. They both were involved sports and scouts. We found time. They also found out that if I didn't get the help that I needed, then they didn't get to do some of the things they had planned. Good Luck and God Bless. Things will turn around, you just have to stop saving the day. Make then take responsibility for their actions.

Yikes!!! You are under some serious pressure!

1. Husband- he really is depressed. Not caring for his hygiene or his immediate environment is a classic symptom. He needs to call his DR asap. Probably he won't b/c he is too 'worn down" by his depression to do it. So you will have to. This is serious- it probably won't last long, but his DR needs to know about it.
Balancing on crutches to do dishes is silly, but having real goals is good. Like folding the laundry, hygiene every day, sit outside for 1/2 hour everyday (sunshine is good). Try placing a small trash can next to him so he can keep his area tidy.

2. Daughters- I wouldn't do their laundry anymore. Yes, you have taken their stuff away, but they see their friends at school. When they have to wear a dirty jersey to practice, or can't wear their favorite stuff, they will get it. I'm not saying never do their laundry again, but they are plenty old enough to sort, collect, fold, etc to help out on a regular basis. On game day, they are on their own. If they are up too late, that is their doing. They can run their laundry. One of them will be leaving home in 2 years and have to do it all anyway.

3. Ask your church for some help. Can yall get one meal a week for the next couple weeks until hubby is up? Don't worry that people will see your house. You need some help.

Your family has gotten used to you waiting on them. It isn't fair, it isn't right, and you are the only one who can change things.

Good luck!

You haven't lost it; your family has taken it! Time to take it back. Start by telling them everything you just told this forum. Heck, you are busy, just click print and let them read it!

Second step: Tell you husband to get off his rear or that you are calling his doctor. Simple demands like: shower daily, pick up your own snack mess, don't commit to helping with anything if you aren't going to do it. Tell him if he can't do these simple things 3 weeks post-surgery, there is something seriously wrong with him and he needs help.

Third step: STOP DOING EVERYTHING. You are right, it won't get done. You'll fall further behind, your girls won't have their uniforms for their game, etc. But it also won't take long until they catch on that they are going to have to chip in. Say, "I'm doing a load of laundry today - this is the last load until Saturday. You have 15 minutes to bring me any clothes you need washed." When that load is done, secretly unplug the washing machine and just laugh when they try to do their own loads! Showing up to soccer practice in a dirty smelly jersey will only happen once - next time, she'll get you those clothes.

Fourth step: set some boundaries. You are not a slave to these people, you are their mother/wife. Feel free to say, "no, I am not driving you to such and such because I am tired and you have been inconsiderate to me this week." or "No, I cannot do this for you because I am going to church. My faith is important to me and I spend all week taking care of you. Now it's time to take care of me for an hour." or "Honey, I am not picking up those wrappers next to you because I think you probably could use a little stretch off the couch. Besides, I don't want you to think I am treating you like a child!!"

Fifth step: Your schedule has to go, lady. You should not be running for 15 hours a day. Tell your family that some things need to be cut out or you need more help or you need to quit your job. Be firm that something has to give and you are all out of "give". Your family is treating your like the dish rags you threw away!!!

Hang in there. Things will likely get better once your husband is back on his feet. Remember that a household can be reclaimed later (floors washed a week late are still floors washed!) But do stand up for yourself - now and down the road.

P.S. GET SOME PAPER PLATES! I know they are horrible for the environment, etc., but you need to use paper plates for a little while.

So I COMPLETELY understand what you are going through, my husband, which I also love dearly, has chronic depression and is actually a disabled Vet because of it. We go through these same trials daily. Some days he helps and most days he just makes a mess for me to clean up. We have 3 young kids to care for, and i do everything most of the time. Since the girls are old enough to do some of the stuff themselves, then make them help. If they don't get the laundry done and need something then they have to wear it dirty, it won't take them long to get on the ball. They should do the dishes too. Some advice that was given to me, but i haven't had time to try out yet... make a schedule for everyone. I need you to do this at this time, and i will be doing this(so that no one feels they are being picked on, include yourself)... sorry not much help, but you aren't alone.

Sorry didn't notice the post was old...

From a former church staff person, I want you to know that it is okay to miss church when times are tough. God does not expect us to punch a clock and He doesn't get mad when we miss. He understand completely. Even He rested! You should learn from Him. Just give yourself 10 minutes each morning to focus on HIm and ask for help from Him.

Also, do you have any friends at church that you can call and ask for help? Maybe if you are in a small group or Sunday School class, you could share your frustrations with them and ask if they might rally some people to prepare some meals for your freezer. You say that you don't have time to call but this might be the best invested phone call ever!

As for your hubby, I don't know if anyone else has said this but put a small garbage can next to him. Or, tell him that if he is well enough to get up and get a snack, then he is well enough to get up and throw the trash away. Instead of putting the laundry basket beside him, laugh playfully and dump it on top of him (after he showers!)

Your daughters might be busy but they are old enough to help you. Ask them to find someone to carpool with for the next few weeks. You don't have to go to every practice! You could even offer a couple of bucks to someone to swing out of their way and pick her up/bring her home. Money might be tight but sanity is priceless.

Oh, and get some paper plates, cups, forks and knives. Another expense but it is only temporary!

{{HUGS}} and prayers to you!

Hi Hg,

Been there...done that...well, almost anyway. My cirumstances were a little different but the principle is the same. Here's what I did.

I showed my kids how to do the laundry and explained that their laundry was their responsibility from now on. (The extra cost for extra loads was worth it.) When it came down to them not having clean whatever whenever they needed it was their responsibility and I didn't cave in and rescue them. Tough love plus good training for when they will be on their own. And yes, a 10 year old is old enough to learn how to do laundry.

As far as cooking, your 16 year old is old enough to make dinner at least once a week. Also good training for when she is on her own. It doesn't have to be fancy dinners...my mentally challenged 16 year old son cooks us hamburger helper once a week.

I sat down with my husband and explained that during his down time I still needed some help...even if it was just folding the clothes while watching tv. Washing the dishes would be a bonus and can be done while on crutches. If doing the dishes is out of the question then buy paper plates...we used paper plates and plastic silverware for about 6 weeks.

Above all don't overload yourself. Being the bread winner plus doing the bulk of everything in the house is quite a load. You might even have to let some things slide temporarily to save your sanity. Give yourself a huge pat on the back daily for what you do get accomplished...and spread the pats around to your family as they contribute.

Good luck,

W. Q

Actually, your husband could help with a few things like loading the dishwasher (or even hand-washing dishes) and doing laundry.
I have had several foot surgeries over the years, and while on crutchees, cooked, did laundry, and washed dishes. It's not easy, but it is possible.
The only thing I couldn't do was sweep, mop, and scrub the bathrooms.

As for your girls, I quit doing my daughter's laundry when she was 12, and there was no doing laundry after bedtime. If that meant she had no clean clothes for school the next day, thaat was HER problem, not mine. There were a few times she went to school in a dirty unifirm because she didn't get her laundry done. She learned to keep up with her laundry.
If they don't have what they need clean for game day, they can either wear it dirty or not go to the game. They'll figure it out.

I know what you're dealing with! My husband is bipolar, and has been a non-existent family member for over a year. With six little ones all testing boundaries constantly, I can't keep up with ANYTHING.

You have a lot of advice here, so I'll keep it brief.
1. TAKE A BREAK! Leave the house, go out with some friends, and have some drinks and sing karaoke -- or whatever you like. Do something fun for yourself. Take an entire weekend if you can, including a church service ALONE. I am doing that this weekend for the first time in ten years, and I can't wait.

2. Accept any and all help that is offered, and ask for what you need from others.

3. Tell your family how you feel. Quit doing for them. They will figure it out. If you are working, they can do the rest. Don't take them anywhere except school...

4. The housework will never go away. Take care of your bedroom (or whatever room is your relaxing place), and what few kitchen chores your kids can't do. Otherwise, your family should be helping you. If they don't, wait until they're grown and moved out -- it'll still be there, trust me.

5. Don't feel guilty. Being super-mom only helps you feel better. Your kids can find their own stuff, or they can stay home.

BTW, I say all of these things, but I am not good at doing them, either. I hope that you will be better at it! :)

((((hugs)))

Dear Hg,

First off, I don't have teenagers or an injured husband but here's what I can offer. Take ALL the girls' activities away until they get their act together. Evidently the oldest does not have her driver's liscense or she could be running herself and her sister around. This is what John Rosemond recommends.

I heard a radio commentator say this morning that his kids worked on commission: No work, no eat; work, eat. If you can supervise the girls when they finally get tired living in squallor, in washing their laundry, then you'll be spending constructive time with them.

Put a trash can by your husband's chair. Surely he can drop his trash straight down?

I feel for you. I am facing surgery soon and am afraid my family won't be able to do all the things I do. DH works 10-12 hours a day and at ages 9, 6, and 3, there is only so much my kids CAN do. Hang in there and don't let the other family members' bad habits/laziness become a pattern.

K.

I don't have any answers for you, but know that you are not alone in this situation. I have 7 grandchildren living with me and every night it's the same as your situation. Not that your situation is funny, but it makes me smile to know that I am not the only one out there with these types of problems. I do have a husband that helps alot, but the kids range in age from 3 to 17 and are capable of doing chores, but don't. I do yell alot, it doesn't get anything done, but the kids to scatter. I too enjoy going to the store or driving around by myself. I would like to take my husband with me, but someone has to stay with the kids. And you are right, it won't last for long. Good luck, and I bet you felt better just venting.

I feel your pain. I feel it too. My advice to you is that you take one or two responsibilities and do it well. You don't have to be super mom. Let some things go or assign them to others. Other parents can give your ladies rides if you know them and trust them to be safe.

1. Other people are depending on your children for their participation in their activities. I never ground K from sports or other things where it would effect others negatively. IE: if she was grounded from Soccer and the team had to forfeit because they didn't have enough players. They do however need to have consequences from their actions. Your husband and girls need to come to a family meeting and see just what you are doing. Make a chart of every thing, every favor, every job, every errand, etc...and put it on a poster for them to see. Add what they are doing that is helpful. If it's not helpful then don't add it, it's making your life harder. IE, taking out the trash and it actually being where it is supposed to be.

2. Ask them to think about what jobs they could do to help, everyone needs to be needed. Put their names beside the jobs and post this poster somewhere conspicuous. Then if the job isn't done it's right there in black and white for everyone to see who let the family down. Tell them how things are making you feel and you really need them to help.

3. You can't keep going like this, resentment will build up until you just blow up. You might have a crying jag, you might throw things in the trash, etc...but you need to figure out how to get this under control.

4. No other person in my house does the laundry but me. Clothes are expensive and can be destroyed in a second. If they want their clothes washed then they have to bring them to the laundry area and sort them into baskets or how ever you prefer. If they are doing small loads and drying them they are wasting the money you are out making. It needs to stop. If one of them actually has a grasp of laundry done right then let them help if you like.

First of all GOD BLESS YOU! The next quit doing everything for your girls, don't cook, do their laundry, take them places, etc. When they can't find their jersey let it be their problem not yours. Tell your husband how you feel without making him feel guilty. Tell him how much it would mean to you to have him fold that load of laundry or do this dishes. Give him a sack to put his trash in daily, that way you don't have to pick up after him either. Give the girls chores and let them know if they don't do it they CAN'T do what they want. One thing is to begin your day with Prayer ask God for wisdom in your day to day decisions and chores, I always find when I begin with the Lord it helps my day. I wish you the best and keep your faith.

I do understand what you are going through. I do love my family as well and when I first married my husband I was obsessed with having a clean house, but after being married 11 years I have come to realize that I am married to a man who doesn't do well at cleaning and after being unemployed for a year our house is a wreck. I home school our son so everone is home all the time and it seems like I never get a break. I am so exhausted that I want to just give up!

Bless your heart! You are doing an amazing job and no one in your house is showing any appreciation. You're only human. Let everything go and if no one has anything to wear then they can put dirty clothes on. If you DON'T do it then they will HAVE to do it! I know it will drive you a little crazy but they should eventually get the picture if they have any sense at all.

Girl, you are totally maxed out! Do you have anyone who can come and help you out around the house - like your mom or his mom, sister(s) or anything? Even a friend - I once had a friend clean my house in exchange for a tank of gas (this was especially valuable when it was going for $4-something a gallon)! With the girls, I know they are busy but maybe if they just did a few minutes' worth of something. It would be better than absolutely nothing!

I'd say something to the hubby about the shower thing and the 'sickness' smell. It's gonna be hard, but try to be as diplomatic as possible about that without hurting his l'il feelings. ;> Maybe ask him if he needs help in the shower? Maybe he really doesn't feel too steady in there. And yeah, he could absolutely be folding clothes but I am in the same situation. :P

I feel for you, definitely! I've got a 6-yr-old and a 3-month-old, both girls, and when the baby was 3 weeks my hubby had hernia surgery. He was down longer with that because they had to do an open surgery instead of laparoscopy (because of an old surgery scar and scar tissue). He recovered and went back to work, and I got strep throat. I got better from that, and my oldest daughter got strep throat with a rash! We get better from that and Hubby tells me his stomach's bothering him, and I'd noticed it was pooching back out like before - and it kept getting bigger. He had surgery this past Fri. to get rid of the fluid that had built up - and it was BLOOD! He had a blood vessel burst that was bleeding into his abdomen and then coagulating b/c it couldn't go anywhere. Yes, lovely!! He's out of work. Again. Just for this week, though. Oh, and I came back to work from maternity leave 2 days ago and am now covering for someone who will be out for who knows how long (and I *HATE* working her job). Arggggh!

I'm not the OCD housecleaner by a long shot, but my hubby sounds just like yours!! My stuff is more clutter, but his is like slobby food and dirty clothes lying around. Drives.Me.Nuts!! I will say that he's trying to do better since I've gone back to work. He's helping with our oldest's homework and doing her bath - I'd conveyed that I was really worrying about how to pull everything off. But I'm wondering how long it will last - like, when he goes back to work next week and gets all worn out and stressed out again I envision it stopping and the excuses starting (he works for a family business). Sigh.

I have been doing the crock pot thing and putting half of what I cook in the freezer so that we can have it another time. I still feel overwhelmed, though. OH, and I am in a training class to become a Kindermusik teacher - since I don't have anything going on right now! LOL

Anyway, I feel ya and if you ever need to talk or vent or whatever just drop me a line at amyjdavis93 at gmail dot com. Hang in there, and see if anybody can come and help you out!

You could try reading "A Family of Value" or "Teenproofing" by John Rosemond, in re your kids. Hold them accountable. If they can't find something, let them feel the consequences of it. They'll learn to keep track of things. Write out a schedule of what chores need to be done, when, and by whom. Then expect them to get done, even though it will cause some short term discomfort for you. Your family is used to you picking up the slack despite your grumbling, so the only way you will get different results is if you change your behavior. And people will rise or fall to meet the expectations you set for them.

As for marriage stuff, a book I read before I got married is "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura, and it's proven very helpful so far in my four years of marriage. Again, it's basically changing your approach in order to get different results. If your husband is dense as mine confesses he is, you will have to ask several times for something to get done. If you ask in a pleasant, matter-of-fact way and trust he will do it, he'll do it. I think right now you are unwittingly sabotaging things because you want people to help, but you're not letting go of the need to control the process or the outcome. But try those books, and perhaps take a weekend away to do nothing but veg in a hotel room or at a friend's house. Your kids are old enough they don't need you constantly there and they can fend for themselves foodwise if your husband doesn't feel like cooking. So a couple nights away and some time pursuing a hobby of yours or just not doing anything should be a little reprieve. :) Good luck! And remember: this too shall pass!

Quiet doing any of it and if the girls cant help then they dont need to go anywhere or do anything and i would take everything out of there room and put it in trash bags and tell them if they cant pick it up then its going in the trash. and yes your husband can fold clothes and there are ways of doing things if they have to be done he could dust that only takes on hand. taking clothes out of the washer and putting them in the dryer..one hand. so stand up for yourself and make them do there share of the work..good luck! were all behind ya!!

I don't know that I have much advise to give about this other than to say I just went through it for 11 weeks. My husband broke his leg (on a dirtbike) and was laid up for 3 weeks before they could do surgery and then 8 weeks after surgery before he could put weight on it. I have a 2 1/2 year old and a 5 year old who started kindergarten this year. I am a SAHM which helped with not having to go to work and take care of everyone and every thing. As far as your husband goes, maybe it is difficult for him to get a shower (ie standing). I know mine only got in the bath 1-2 times a week because it was difficult for him to get in and out of the tub. Your children (unlike mine) are old enough to help out around the house. You should have a family meeting and tell everyone that the burden on you is too great and they need to help out. Maybe there are people in your church who could help out with cleaning, laundry and meals. Also, on top of everything that we were dealing with there, my husband got laid off in the process. They as men think they have to take care of us and when they can't, it is hard on them. Good luck!

I think you should call a family meeting. There is no reason why your kids can't do more to help. I grew up in a large family and I had to start dinner when I got home from school when my mom went back to work. I think you are letting your kids rely on you a little too much - you should make a list of things that you need help with and go over all of it at a meeting. Also, I know your husband is hurt and can't help much - and there really isn't any reason he should be helping if he can't - so be patient. Put a trashcan next to him so he can put things in the trash. Or, hire a maid or family friend to stop in and clean once or twice a week. Also, your husband needs to mention to the doctor that he is depressed and get an antidepressant. Good Luck :)

Hey girl,

Since you've taken everything away like cell phones, tv, computer, the next step is to take away the activities. Bet if they can't cheer or go to their games they will decide to straighten up. And if they don't it takes some of the load off because you don't have to find their spanks or jerseys.

Everything that we do in life is a choice and that is how I present things to my daughter. She is 7 and has a good grasp of that concept. Her choice is help or don't do things you want. If you choose not to help, that means you chose not to do the things you wanted. Its that simple.

I worked with a woman at a college. We had a student who always had new clothes, had the newest music player and CDs, but had a teacher convinced that he had no money to buy food. The woman I worked with pointed out that he had all those things, and he made the CHOICE to spend his money on material goods rather than food.

Put the CHOICE in their hand in stick to it. They can make the decision, just make sure they only have two things to choose from in each case. Do the dishes and go to cheer, or don't do the dishes and stay home. Pick up the laundry and go to your game, or don't and stay home. It IS their choice to make. Then, when they say "you didn't let me . . ." you can respond, "No, you made the choice not to . . ."

The same goes for your husband. Give him the choice of taking a shower (if he can't stand up find a stool or chair for him to sit on in the shower) or sleeping on the couch. Fold the laundry or don't eat supper.

If you have to be the one doing it all and they aren't going to help, don't make supper for them. I had a friend whose husband came home one day and asked her "What's for supper?" When she said "I don't know" he replied with "what have you been doing all day? Sitting on your fat a** getting fatter." So the next day he came home and asked what was for supper. She was sitting in her recliner with bags of chips, etc. and held up a sign that said "Don't know. I'm sitting on my fat a** getting fatter." That lasted for several weeks. He got the message.

So turn their excuses for not helping around on them. But make the CHOICE theirs. I know I've really rambled, but I hope it helps a little.

Wow! This sounds like my house! I have 2 teenage boys and they do the least they can. Seems like we are constantly running and sometimes I have a breakdown. So cut yourself some slack.. we are not superwoman, even though I think our families think we are. Every once in a while, I finally just have enough and MAKE them help me. When I tell them what I want, they usually do it, even if it is not right away. I have learned that with men and boys, they are not too good at picking up on my signals, so I have learned to just TELL THEM.

About your husband, I am surely not taking his side, but I know, from what my husband has told me, is that when a guy feels like he isn't providing for his family, it makes him feel like less of a man. Maybe because he is out of work with this injury for so long, it's making him feel like he isn't doing his part financially. Just ask him. Talk to him. Tell him.

Know that you are not alone and it is okay to feel like you are losing it. Take some time for yourself... hang out with some friends... go shopping... read.. whatever you need to refresh.

Hope you have a great day!

hey girl...i feel your pain. I'll meet you for a drink. Some days I'm singing the same song. LOL!

AT times I feel I DO IT ALL! Just take some time off...take a hot bath...and then call a family meeting. Calmly tell your issues to the family and that they are wearing you out. That you need help and it is TIME for everyone to step it up and kick in.

What works for me...is taking away cell phones if they don't hear me. I know that punishes you too but in our day we had to use the pay phone.

I'll say a prayer for ya.

;)

I've been where you are. My kids are grown now, but when they were the ages of your kids they weren't helpful at all. At least yours do a little laundry. I believe counseling is the answer. Family counseling. I wish I would have done that. Now my children are grown and have apologized many times for not helping. Both are very clean and conscientious about keeping their house clean. So, it does get better. M.

One word: MAID!! I do not know your financial situation, but you may definietly want to look into it. I was having similar problems, although not nearly as severe as yours, and that was my solution. My husband was not too excited about it at first, but once he saw the wonderful job she did he did not have a problem. I started having her come once a month but changed it recently to every 2 weeks. I know that is money I can be saving, but it feels so wonderful to come home to a clean house. And to be honest with you, it is not expensive at all. If you are in the New Orleans or surrounding areas, I can recommend her for you.

That sounds like me on a daily, but mine is by choice. Maybe if you don't go through their rooms to get their laundry and you don't allow them to do their own, they will take the initiative. All you seem to be asking for them to do is put it in the laundry basket, is that right?

Hubbies are such babies when their down, it's cute to a certain extent...but it will wear you out! How have you mentioned folding the laundry, although he is on crutches, that is something that he can do. Even the girls can do that. Pick small things, for instance, make sure their is a trash can beside the couch/chair where your husband tends to sit while incapable of doing anything.

Believe me, I am by no means an expert. I have just taken things that I have been told and passing them along. Hope it all works out for you.

T.

First do not search for kids clothes. Tell them if it is not were dirty clothes schould be then thay will not have clean clothes, no washing on own, have to wash with all other dirty clothes or not at all. Thay can do the clothes, also if thay will not help with any thing else then stop taking them places,thay do not have to go,some things need to be given up untill husband goes back to work. Also he needs to pick up after his self! He is way old enough to do this, also the kids see him not doing anything so thay think we don,t have to either. Use paper plates. Tell you husband he needs to bath everyday, he will feel much better if he does this. He might need to see Dr. if he is depressed, but if he does things ect., like fold cothers while watching tv, then he will fell better. Let your family know that you love them but you are not going to keep doing this by yourself any more. You have to mean this, a few times of kids not going somewhere will clear things up, if not do not take then anywhere. Tell hubby he has got to clean up after his self, and take a bath every day. The one thing you do need is to go to church we need God at the very top of list. God Bless B.

Hi :D
I didn't read thru all the responses so I'm not for sure if anyone has mentioned this or not. I have lived in chaos for most of my life. I have 4 kids, the youngest 3 which are 3yr, 4yr & 7yr live with me. The oldest, which is 17 lives in a different state with her dad. I am a single working parent. I found this website, and even tho I am not fully into it like I was in the beginning, I have pulled out many healthy habits that have made my life a whole lot easier, and the everyday things aren't near as chaotic. It's called www.flylady.net It's free & it's a blessing. I hope it helps you out in some way. Her motto is : You can do anything for 15 minutes & Your life didn't get this way overnight, so your not behind, just jump in where you are.

I have found over the years that husbands are oblivious to the messes that surround them daily. The answer to this is, tell him what to do. Don't just leave a basket of laundry next to him to be folded...tell him to fold it for you. Dishes in the sink? Guess when everything is dirty and there is no way to cook or eat, someone will help get them done. And my goodness girl, why are you still doing the girls' laundry? I taught my kids how to do their own laundry when they were ten years old, and it is their responsibility. We assign a day of the week for each one, and if they don't do their laundry that day, they have to deal with it until the next time their day rolls around. Believe me, it only takes a couple of days of having to wear dirty clothes for them to learn to be responsible. See, quit rescuing them! Make them see the consequences of their actions by not "fixing" things for them. It will make them grow up and start doing what they need to do to take care of themselves. Of course, I still have to remind my kids to help do their chores, but they know that they have to do them. I like the idea that if they can't get things done like they are asked, then you can't get them to their activities...be "too busy" to take them to practice or the game. Tough love. Sometimes it is the best way to deal with things. Good luck.

Stop.

Breath.

Pick one thing and one thing only to do tonight and after it's done, go take a bubble bath and read a book.

Sometimes when you are stressed out as you obviously are now, taking time out will help you do more later (like tomorrow).

Just worry about you today. Tomorrow you can pick another thing and pick one worry about your husband.... like the shower thing.

You have not lost it, you are overwhelmed. There is so much going on for you right now, you do need some time alone. If I were you, I would let your family know that you are going to take 2 hours this coming Saturday or Sunday for yourself and leave the house. Go stare at trees, watch the clouds, pray, meditate, something that will allow you to detach from your tension. Also, let them know that you all are going to have a family meeting when you return from your alone time.

Prior to this, I would have a conversation with your husband and only your husband. He does need to shower more often and he can. My husband had knee surgery also, and he still showered everyday. I would let him know that you are exhausted and need help. He can help, he just needs to be asked. You and I see the towels on the floor, men don't. I don't know why, I actually don't care why. I have learned if I want my husband to do something, I ask.

As for your daughters, if the cellphones, TV, computers, etc. have not gotten your daughters off their tushes, you need to start taking away their soccer, tumbling, and cheering. It costs your family money, gets you home late each day, and it might get them to start helping you.

For the family meeting, I would make up a chore chart. All of the things you are doing now need to be written down and then the chores need to be divided. Being a part of a family means helping around the house.

I wish you luck. You are not alone, there are a lot of us out here drowning. I hurts to take things away from your children or ask your husband to do something you think is a no-brainer. But, we need to survive. Stay strong. You will get through this.