I Lost ME Somewhere - Maybe I Don't Know Who ME Is?

When an airplane is in trouble and the air masks are deployed you're supposed to put your own on first. Why? Because you can't take care of anyone else if you're dead.

The same applies to life. A worn-out, stressed, tired, self-depreciating wife and mom is no good to anyone...especially herself. You need to make YOURSELF a priority. Your kids are old enough to understand that mommy needs time to recharge so she can be the best mommy she can be.

Sign yourself up for photography classes, exersise classes or *whatever*, and then GO!! Get up earlier if you have to! If it's something you've paid for and are excited to do then you'll be more likely to keep it up.

Get used to telling yourself that you deserve to take care of yourself and that you are worthy of the time it's going to take :)

Start by taking a walk every morning. This will help get your body and mind moving and it will help increase your own esteem and energy levels. You need to take time for you first, not last. It seems backwards to what we have been led to believe, I know, but if you don't take care of yourself, there is nothing to give others. If you put kids' needs above your own, it causes the "me first" mentality and encourages a sense of entitlement. I saw some research recently that said the happiest and most well-adjusted people/families/children were ones that prioritize time for themselves first, their marriage second, then the kids third. You need to take care of yourself to have something to give others. Then you have to have a solid, happy marriage to foster feelings of stability and security in your children. Then you can help them develop into healthy adults, physically, emotionally, spiritually, and otherwise. You are NOT being selfish for NEEDING to take care of yourself.

Blessings!

First and foremost, please allow me to give you permission to stop judging yourself so harshly! I used to wonder how come my best friend's house was always spotless while my seemed so chaotic! I was killing myself with what I now call "Death by Comparison"! No joke - I never felt like I was keeping up and I never felt like I had time for me. Worse, I felt devalued and invalidated since I judged myself by what I produced instead of who I am.

I also realized that I had set the expectations for myself so high and thought I had to do EVERYTHING for my kids (no one did much for me as a child so I was trying to make up for it vicariously).

Here's my suggestion:
1. Good enough is good enough. You don't have to expect perfection.
2. You deserve at least 1 hour, uninterrupted, that you can use to exercise, study, photo shop, read, nap, take a bath, do nothing, do everything! But it is YOUR hour.
3. Remind your kids that the family is a team, they have their jobs just like you have yours....the 13 and 9 year old are certainly capable of cleaning up the kitchen. Assigning them chores is not being lazy, nor is it mean parenting, it is good for them and you.
4. I know that during menopause, I had a hard time sleeping and had less energy - this may also be in play.
5. Ask your husband if he would like to go for a walk with you after supper (while your kids clean the kitchen). It is both a great way to start dropping that extra 40 lbs while RECONNECTING with the man you love.
6. When we grow up with insecurities, it makes it hard, I know, but you are deserving of your own life too and you are not selfish to want your own needs met.

I wish you well L.

5 children! And you work full time.. Good lord woman, no wonder you are worn out!..

I know a lot of women that do lots of stuff like take yoga and exercise classes.. go on Trips, . go out of the country, working on their graduate studies. etc.. but they have help.. or do not work full time. They have house keepers that go to their homes at least once a week.. Their kids drive so they are not carpooling and having to drive to all of the events.. They eat out a lot or bring home take out lots of nights..

You could schedule nights for who is going to prepare the meal.. It may mean more simple meals. Make a shopping list for the grocery store and get the eldest or your husband to do that. Put each person in charge of their own laundry.. Everybody cleans their own spaces and each week a different person is scheduled to vacuum, another to mop.. etc.. Instead of lunch at work.. go to an exercise class. or go and work out 3 times a week. On the weekends get up at your normal time and go for a walk before you do anything else for the day..

Take 1 class to learn photography and see how it goes with you being gone a few nights a week.

It has been many years since you have done something just for you and you deserve to do some of these things.. Go for it..

First, I want to say that you do not need to feel guilty about wanting some ME time.

Try to look at it another way - that yes you are being selfish, but not for wanting me time, you are being selfish for not taking it. How is that you ask? Well, it is selfish of you to deprive your children and family a valuable lesson that giving to yourself is just as important as giving to others. That by taking the time to learn something new, or exercise in order to make yourself healthier in turn gives back to your family - a more energetic Mom, a Mom with more knowledge who can share that knowledge with her family. A Mom less stressed and less apt to snap at small things. A Mom who cares for herself is teaching by example to her children that it's important to care for yourself and value yourself which could in turn teach your children to value themselves and possibly make them more apt to stand up for themselves when confronted with bullying or peer pressure.

You have received a lot of good advice (I haven't read all the answers, but many), so I just wanted to throw out that little nugget of a way to help rid yourself of this unneeded guilt.

I only have one child and work full-time, so I can't imagine how overwhelmed you must feel. In our house, my husband and I do the following: we each get a weekend day to plan for ourselves. This doesn't necessarily mean that we are absent from the house or family the entire day, but it's our free day to sleep in a little and make our own plans - get a mani/pedi, go to a movie with a friend, learn something new, take a scuba diving lesson:), play soccer (him). We put these items on our family calendar (Cozi) which can link to our work calendar so everyone knows the plan. After our ME time on our day, we still spend time together. Most days, our me time is only an hour or two, but somedays I take a whole day for a women's retreat or a day out with the girls. I come back refreshed and loving my husband so much more and he's been given an opportunity to have a father/son day with our child.

Having more children than me, you may have to work out a different arrangement, but it can be worked out where you get 'your day' to plan something you want for yourself and he gets his. Perhaps the 13 year old goes to a friends house for awhile, or Dad takes everyone to a movie or a museum (less expensive). The point is, it can be done and you don't need to feel guilty about it one iota!

Have fun discovering yourself!
-S.

The answer to your question is NO you are not being selfish to want a little bit of ME time to figure yourself out!

you NEED that me time, honey!

find that time somewhere and stick to it.

i have one night a week to hang out with the gals, hubby has one night to kick it with his boys. thats how we do it. every night the kids go to bed and i get to do the internet stuff for one hour each night before i go to bed! blogging, mamapedia, gmail, facebook, etc.

sometimes too much electronics time can make us lazy. i notice that if i am online or watching tv during the day, NOTHING gets done. thats why i try to save it for the night unless there is some special circumstance.

now you are full time working and mom, that is nuts! ive got four, two big kids in school and two babies at home, im going to go back to school part time next semester. i worked full time with one kid and school full time with two kids. let me tell you that being a mom is far more difficult than school or work combined. i loved being a full time stay at home mom though. it was so rewarding. and really nice not having any other projects due!! i will miss it, but its better than having that nagging feeling in the back of my mind to get my BA!

anyway, im trying to say that i know what you're going through because i went through the same thing a few years ago. i am a religious person so i prayed to God for the answer. He told me to prioritize.

What are your priorities?

mine are basically all health, spiritual health, emotional health, mental health and physical health of myself, hubby and kiddos.

the thing is, you cant really do an efficient job of making sure your family is healthy if you're sick in bed right? well the same thing goes for spiritual, emotional, and mental health!

Basically I am saying that you HAVE to take care of yourself first! or you cant take care of anyone else properly!

i tried to ignore my own needs and i almost died.

please make some time every day for at least 10 minutes! set a goal and stick to it, talk to hubby for support! i bet even your kids would support you! healthy, happy mom means healthy, happy kids!

Good luck and please let us know how you are doing with this!
if you need any moral support please message me!

You are already doing it..by just noticing and asking how to find yourself you are on your way. It is not selfish to want a life for yourself but it is difficult. I think we women feel guilty when we leave the kids home with the hard working husband and head out for even an afternoon to just do whatever we choose. The only time we take time is when we do an outing for the kids or choose to spend time with our husbands. We don't reserve time for ourselves and yes we get lazy and tired. We are tired of always doing for everyone else and sometimes fall into "relaxing" as our only time to escape. I do the same thing. I am 41 and about 15 pounds overweight..overweight is overweight..it is depressing when you feel out of control of even the simplest thing like controlling eating and finding energy to work out. I'm considering therapy for myself because mothering 4 (ages 18,15,14 and 3) is taking up my life and I after being the best I can be for everyone else I am failing myself miserbly..if you're anything like me you know that without caring for ourselves we really are not doing the best we can for the ones that we are caring for. Thanks for writing in and waking me up to the fact that even good mommies and wives are not selfish to want more for themselves. It's easier for me to see with you than with my own so sincerely I thank you...

good luck to you and i hope that I too can find myself along with the other mommies that see your posting and feel the same way..

I would start by going to the doctor and getting a general checkup to be sure their is not anything out of whack.

You sound burned out. Here's a virtual <hug>.

First of all - raising, feeding, and housing five kids is an accomplishment all by itself. You could do that all day long and I would be impressed. How you work full time, AND do those things, is beyond me. I have two children - homeschool, and squeeze in free-lance work - and can barely keep up. Being a mom is full-blown, back breaking physical labor sometimes, especially if you don't have any help. On top of that you have to have some stamina to emotionally nurture growing human beings.

If I were you I would look at the job situation and see if you can cut back to part-time or even quit at some point. I would sit down with my husband and say "I cannot be the kind of wife and mother I want to be and work outside the home at this pace. Can we set a goal that I will reduce my hours or quit by X date?" I realize it's tough in this economy but I would truly consider it.

The next thing I would do is get to a reputable integrative physician and get all of my hormones checked (as well as my general health). When my adrenal glands get worn out I feel somewhat hopeless and exhausted. I also gain weight without batting an eye.

The next thing I would do is establish some sort of walking program, 5-6 days per week (even if it is only 30 minutes). I like to listen to uplifting music during that time. Humans (even us sedentary ones) truly do need to move.

The next thing I would do is think about some individual counseling to try to come to peace with a very difficult childhood (it sounds like). You don't have to go to counseling forever, either, for it to be helpful. Children who grow up in certain circumstances tend to "lose" themselves (or never discover themselves at all).

The final thing I would do is re-connect with my spiritual life, whatever that is. I love to read my Bible very early in the morning - I truly believe it is God's way of talking to me. Many times it is only for 5-15 minutes, but it is enough to nourish my soul.

Good luck - I am praying for you. You only get one chance in this life, and there is only one "you." Find yourself, give of yourself, and you will find your joy again.

Wow - your note hit a tone with me. I have been soul searching lately. The scary thing I thought you were descibing me in you post. I agree with others its about finding "me" time. As mothers & caregivers we can easily get into a rut and put ourselves last. Start slow - pick out one thing that will make you take care of yourself. Whatever it is make it a priority! Please cut yourself some slack. Please know that you seem to be superwomen to me! Selfish is the last word I would use describe to you. If you want to work out - start slow and get out for a walk - if you can include your husband & kids you might find taking that time would be benifical.

Life is short - Live it to the fulliest! What you have today you may not have tommorrow - Celebrate Life - you are worth it!

There is a book called The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron which talks all about how to get back to yourself. She was married to Martin Scorcese and it emphasizes becoming more artistic, but it's great for creating "dates" for yourself. I have always liked ancient Egypt, so I took myself on a date to an Egyptian exhibit in NYC and learned about French cooking, but it has exercises to explore your own interests, and ways to access them. It's great for lonely single people but also for harried family people too. It goes week by week, I think for twelve weeks. Good luck.

You aren't being selfish at all. You as a parent in order to be the best parent, need you time. You can't be 100% all kids and work. There HAS to be you time or else you aren't living for yourself. You are living for others. And as much as we love our families, we got to love ourselves too. So how do you go about finding time. Sit down with your husband and explain what you are wanting and negotiate between yourselves where you can take more on one day for him and vice versa.

First and foremost, congratulations on having such a big family and doing and working hard at it each and every day! You children and husband are lucky to have you.
I do believe you need "me" time. It is not selfish, it is practical. It will make you a better mother, wife and you will feel good about yourself. I am 42, and started really feeling this way at about 39. I had to start taking things back for me. I was cranky, angry and tired all the time. I decided to join a gym, I try to walk with my husband or dog at least 4 times a week. That is helping the pounds I have put on over the years. I cleaned up my eating, which I found really helps clear my head and keeps my attitude in check. I know that I had to take back me. I also make cards and scrapbook. I make a time once a month specifically to do this with my girlfriends. You need to remember you are worth all the time you do take for yourself. Even if you just need a massage every couple of weeks, take a photography/photoshop class once a week. The family will survive and you will be happier in the process. You have to love yourself to get back to loving everyone else.

I fail to see where you're being selfish.... So you what a moment or two to yourself. That's not a crime. I fall into the same trap. I'm a working mom with one 3 year old and a new one due in a month. I cook and clean when I get home and consider myself fortunate to have time for a shower. I too feel guilty asking for an hour to myself, even if it's once a month. But then I force myself to remember the old Life Guard rule when rescueing someone from the surf. "If you find yourself about to be thrownup against the rocks put the person you're saving between you and the rock." At first glance this may seem cruel, but it makes perfect sence. You can't save someone from drowning if you are injuried and drown yourself.

Forget about those that seem to have the energy of a superhero and save the world without complaint. You are not them. Everyone is different with different needs and abilities. Do what you can, when you can. And remember the Life Guard rule. In the long run, you won't be any good to anyone if you let yourself drowned.

No you are NOT being selfish. You just want your own life instead of giving everybody else theirs all the time. It is healthy to have outside diversions. Go for it.

I don't really have an answer, instead just some food for thought.

You are not selfish. There is nothing wrong with wanting to know and love yourself. I struggled to find that for a very long time. It wasn't until after the birth of my 3rd child (of four) that I finally began to realize that being a mom and a wife IS who I am meant to be. Granted, I am a full-time homemaker so I don't have the added pressure of the corporate world. My point is that once I realized just how much I love doing what I do...taking care of my home and my family...I became much more efficient at it, as well as more appreciative of what I have. There was a time when I longed for what I didn't have, or what I hoped to accomplish. I still dream of bigger and better things, but I also know that if this life that I live really is as good as it gets, I am perfectly ok with that. I love my life and my mission on this earth as a mother and a wife.

S/N...I have a medical degree which I earned with honors between my second and third children, so I totally understand what it is like to try to "do it all." I also know that I have a choice in my life. I am not "stuck" in the life that I choose to lead :)

Boy, it sure doesn't sound like you're lazy!

First, cut yourself some slack--you are obviously a loving, caring mom and wife. :)

Second, enlist those other family members to help--everyone can pitch in the chores, and thereby free up some time for you to be you and rediscover yourself. Let them know how overwhelmed and tired you're feeling, and how you'd really need everyone to come together to act as a family and help take care of each other. Talk to your DH first and outline a plan, then have a family meeting and enlist the kids help--if you can at all get them to come up with ideas for helping, do so, since they will be more willing to help with stuff that is their idea. :) Set up a chore schedule, and then reward everyone for working (or at least trying) with something fun like movie night at home or ice cream sundaes or whatever, and thank 'em for the efforts (and let them know continued efforts are appreciated).

Also, take some time to go on dates with your hubbie so you can also help reconnect there. And even if you are connected, having a kidless date night for you to go and do stuff (like hike! LOL! great idea--healthy & free!), or a movie & dinner (that way, you can talk about the movie at dinner), etc.

Then, schedule time for you to go do something that interests you. If you're just flat out of ideas, try looking at JoAnn's or Michael's for classes that interest you. I find that if I paid for the class, I'm much more likely to follow through in doing it than I am if I try to schedule time at home: something always comes up at home, and I always put off "me" time....

One other thing I found was: Turn off the TV. It was (and is) too easy for me when I'm tired to just say, Oh, I'll fold some laundry while I watch TV... when I would've felt better in the long run just turning the TV off and going to bed instead. TV (and computers) can be a big time-suck. We bought a Roku (or a DVR would work), so I can watch 15 or 20 min of a show if I want and come back to it later if need be.

I've also found that if I do better if I use a timer: After the kids are in bed, I set the timer on the microwave for 10 to 20 or 30 min and clean. When it goes off, I'm done. Then, I set the timer for 10 min and I read a book or magazine and have a snack. :) That way, I get a little me time w/o feeling like I'm dropping the ball on everything else.

:0) Hi. Let me assure you as one who came from the same kind of family and has felt the same way, it is not you.Have you had a complete physical and found nothing is wrong(hormone, blood sugar, etc)? If so, take the time to walk, even 20 minutes. It really helped me wake up in the afternoon.
Frankly, I have 1 child and I find it hard to keep up on all things.

You are not being selfish! You will be a better mother and a happier person when you reconnect with yourself. You'll be more inspiring to them if you're theTrue You.

I don't really know the tricks, because I'm going through that myself, but I think it starts with quiet time in the morning to yourself (maybe just on the back porch before they wake up). And then exercise for energy...which I keep telling myself I need to start.

I'm sure there will be good ideas on this site. I'll be thinking of you! db

I know how you feel. There is nothing worse than feeling like you are losing yourself. I am a massage therapist (HHP) and I always tell my moms that you can't give 100% of yourself if you aren't feeling 100% of yourself. Tell hubby that for an hour or two he needs to watch the kids and get a massage. Then go from there. It would be nice for him to have that time with the kids, and for you to find yourself. I say massage because you get the relaxation you need, the therapy from the massage, it helps lift your spirits, and boosts your immune system. There is so much it does. You need to get back to the beautiful woman that you are, and get in touch with the awesome creative you that is dying to be released again. After the massage take your camera and go on a walk. Getting into nature will make you a new woman and the camera will capture that moment. Most of all dont forget to take care of you, no one else is going to do that for you. You need to make the time. So what if dinner is late, or Dad makes dinner one night while you find yourself. Once you do think of how much more happier you will be and the impact this new happy mom will have on her family.

Hello, You are a wife, mother of 5 and work full + time. Of course you are tired. All you do is things for the family and other people. I know, I am the mother of 4 and worked two jobs for many years. One in elementary education, the other licensed daycare in my home (befrore and after school and on school breaks full-time). There was very little time for me. When my kids got older, I continued to work at the school and cared for a disabled young man. I loved what I did, but it was very difficult to find time for me. Occasionally, I would sign up for classes and take something that interested me. It was hard to fit it in, but I had that time to be me. Maybe you could take a photography class. These days, I bet they would include how to do the "photoshop" program as well. If not, maybe someone in the class could explain it to you.
Good luck with your precious family.
K. K.

I think pretty much all mothers feel that way. It is really important to take time for yourself, learn something new, exercise, etc. You come back feeling refreshed and do a better job at being you, and taking care of your family. When my son was a year old (he's now 2), I got into triathlons. I decided to do a small city beginner triathlon, and I started training for it a few hours a week. Turns out I love triathlons, and have done things I never thought possible for me. I hated running and swimming before I started, but once I actually learned how to do both, I really enjoy them now. Without that time away from my family (swimming, biking, running, and yoga), I am a total mess. When I come back, everything is better. Although I train a lot now (10 hours or so a week when I was training for a really big race), I started out really small, 30 minutes every day or so. Even if you just get a little bit of time to do something on your own, just reading a chapter in a book you have been wanting to read is good, it really helps you feel more like you. Anything you do to make you function better helps your family, so definitely not selfish :)