I Just Don't Know What to Do.

K.
Hugs to you. I have been in your situation and it sucks. I tired to go back to work and put my daughter in daycare but it didn't work. I couldn't get funding until I had a job, but I couldn't get daycare until I had funding. I was told to pay full price ($225 a week) for daycare until the funding went through (aprox. 6 weeks). My response was if I could pay full price I wouldn't need state funding. I know that they do take into consideration income and other factors. When I did have state funding two years ago I paid 30 bucks a week as my share. My daughter was at a Children's Home and Aid facility. My daughter's father isn't on her birth certificate either but he hasn't paid a dime in child support ever. Action for Children never asked me for his information at all. If you pursue child support it is going to take a LONG time. I started pursuing it but after waiting almost a year for Cook County to give me a court date I withdrew from it. I'm not trying to discourage you from getting it by any means- I just know it's a long drawn out process.
I don't know where you live or work but I am now a stay at home mom with a three year old little girl. I would like to offer to watch your little boy while you are waiting for your application for daycare assistance to be processed. We have lots to do at our home and I have references you can check. I know how hard this must all be for you and you are doing an excellent job doing what you have to do to give your son the best you can. If you would like to talk about anything please let me know. Even if it's just to vent.
A.

K. D., please let me start by saying, I noticed you referenced yourself as being "stupid" twice in your request. YOU ARE THE FARTHEST THING FROM IT!!!! You sound like a fantastic mom giving her all to her child, while dealing with a very tough situation, to say the least. You have made, what I believe, are positive choices thus far... your priorities seem to be in the right place with regards to the care of your son, i.e., moving in with your parents so that you could be there for your son as much as possible during those crucial first years of his life...working odd, irregular jobs in order to stay home with him, etc.

As a single mom myself, I have made similar choices for my now 4-year old daughter (I believe it has done wonders for her), including moving back in with family and working several part-time jobs during the first three years of her life...I just cut back wherever I could and did whatever I had to do to make sure I was able to be home with her as much as possible in the beginning.

As far as the child support piece, you were regularly receiving support and so had not pursued legal action. It is understandable not to want to involve court, if at all possible. No one relishes in the idea of going to court against her child's father. However, if he is not paying, he leaves you with no other option. You are doing all you can do in this regard, which can unfortunately be a lengthy process. Hang in there. When you start receiving those regular, automatically deposited payments, it will be worth it. I regularly receive support without court-involvement, but in the event her father started sporadically paying or cutting back on my payments, or not paying at all for some reason, I would be in the same desperate position as you, and having to immediately pursue child support through the State.

Pursuing daycare assistance through DHS is also a positive move on your part. However, you are right, they do not pay nearly enough toward child care to make it affordable for a single mom struggling to make ends meet. Also, I seem to remember that they took the combined income of her father and I, even though we were not in the same household, when assessing whether or not I was eligible for services. (Turned out I was not.) If he is not on the birth certificate and not paying support, I believe they want you to pursue that piece before reviewing your eligibility for benefits, which could prolong things further - although I am not positive on this... I hope I am mistaken here.

Nevertheless, in the meantime, think about the possibility of looking for a nanny position that will allow you to bring your son with you, at least part of the time. I did that for about a year and a half. It definitely helped. For those times you are not able to bring him along and if your parents are willing to watch him, take them up on it. Hopefully, it will be a short-term solution until you are able to begin receiving child support and some daycare assistance.

You are blessed to have your parents, and as long as you are doing everything you can do to improve the situation for you and your son, there is no shame in seeking out help from family (unless it in some way compromises the health of your parents). It is not your fault that your child's father has chosen not to take responsibility for his son. I have struggled with this plenty with my own daughter, and I don't know what I would have done were it not for my family and my mother, in particular. As long as you're not sitting on your butt and taking advantage of the good will of your parents or family members, I would not be so hard on yourself about asking for a little extra help at this particularly trying time, in light of your daughter's father abruptly choosing to throw you into financial turmoil by fully withdrawing the regular support he once provided for his child (sorry, long run-on sentence there).

Things will work out in the long-run, just try to stay positive, focused, and in the moment so that you do not get overwhelmed by looking too far in advance. When the present time stabilizes a bit for you two, then you can start looking down the road at some longer-term goals. In the meantime, you are exploring and pursuing all the right avenues... keep up the good work!! You are a wonderful, dedicated mother!! Your son is blessed to have you loving him and in his corner.

All the best,
L.

K., Look at what a wonderful mom you are! There is nothing stupid about you. Stop reading this and look at your beautiful child and your beautiful self and know that you are doing the best you can. I read the other posters and I have also been in the same situation. Except of course I knew who dad was and he dodged everything and I worked a lot. One of the posters said perhaps getting a Nanny position would help. I also spent a few years working in a daycare where I could bring my son along. If there are a few around perhaps you could apply and work partime doing that and leave him if you are comfortable while you also do the massage therapy. There are often discounts or free childcare when you work as an aide or a cook or whatever else they might need. There are also free programs for children in some areas. I know it is hard, you are simply going through the tunnel and will get out into the end of it soon. Really. Do not lose faith. Hugs,
S.

My heart goes out to you. I was a single mother for 6 years and thank god I had gone and had a court order for support at the time of the divorce. It is not to late to do so. You can file your OWN motion without an attorney at the clerks office and get a court date within a few weeks. That is, if you are in cook county. I would recommend going to the Bridgeview court house and don't mess with the others. Also I will second the previous poster's recommendation for http://www.actforchildren.org/ it is the way to go. I paid about $40 PER MONTH when my daughter was in child care full time. The day care center I took her to actually led me here and had the paperwork there and told me exactly what to fill out and they had waived any fees until the state processed the papers. They reimbursed the day care center for the weeks I was unable to pay. It is a solid, reliable paycheck for them, so they will do what it takes to help you!! I went to High Hopes Learning Center and I couldn't have done it without them. Going the DHS route will take forever. Trust me when I say you can file your own motion for support, you don't need a lawyer, since this is his child. Was there paternity test ever given? the judge may order that, but just b/c he's not on the certificate doesn't mean he's free of any obligations. My ex fights to pay, harasses me about taking his money, and is an ongoing battle. He has tried to dodge paying anyway he can. But having the court behind you is the only way to go no matter how long it takes. Good luck to you.

Hi K.,

Dont beat your self up and just move on with your son. Thank God for your parent’s that are providing a good stable home for you and your son. Just go to this website and apply for help with child care they are very quick with their responce. Here is the web site http://www.actforchildren.org/. Ask your daycare provider if they accept this kind of assistance if they due they can send all of the required paper work for you. Also call different industrial corporation were there is Labor workers let them know that you are able to provide the workers with some massage therapy I know that were a friend of mine works, they offer these services to the workers specially if its hard labor. I hope that this is helpful information for you, take care of your self and your baby.

I used to practice law before I started my family, and I have experience in this area, both personally and professionally. For child support, you can go talk to the State's Attorney Child Support Division and start a file with them. It is free. They will establish paternity (necessary first step if father is not on birth certificate or contests partnity) and get child support started. Once child support is established (it does take some time, but don't be discouraged), they will turn the file over to the state's child support collection division which will find him and his job anywhere in the US (in case he is one to start and stop jobs to avoid paying). They will also sieze his income taxes, etc.

As for day care, pick the day care you want to attend and ask them if they take state assistance. Have them fill out the paperwork and submit it themselves. I have been told that it is much faster if the day care submits on your behalf.

Feel free to e-mail me if you have any questions. I am in a bit of a rush this morning, so I am typing fast!

V.