I Don't Know What Else to Do

I know you said that you are disciplining her when she acts inappropriately, but have you tried praising her when she acts in an appropriate way?

I still discipline my daughter when she acts inappropriately (we do one thing, that's it...consistency). We send her to her room and tell her that when she's feeling in a better mood, she can come back down.

But, when she's behaving in a way that I want her to continue (being nice to her brother, etc), I really point that out and praise her for her wonderful behavior, etc.

Sometimes by focusing too much on negative behavior and not enough on positive behavior, we inadvertently "encourage" negative behavior (negative attention is better than no attention type of thing).

If she continues to do this, I would start to question why. She seems to be bothered by something...are you a SAHM? Do you work outside the home and does she go to daycare? Is there another child who is acting this way?

A.,

I think all children hit or bite or throw things or act aggressively at some time or another. I agree with 50% of Julie C's posting. I do not believe in spanking or hitting anyone or anything from my kids to my dogs. In MY opinion, it doesn't make sense to expect your child not to hit, while you hit them. I just don't get it. But, that's my thinking and it works in my house. As parents, we all need to figure out what works for our own kids.

My sister and I are 17 months apart and although we have a lot of similarities, my mom learned very early that what worked for discipline on me did not work on Michelle. One of our punishments was writing 50, 100, even 1000 times (I had to do it). I HATED it with a passion and the threat of having to "write" got me to straighten up really quick! My sister didn't care. She just wouldn't do it. She'd sit for days and draw pictures on the paper. My mom had to find out what DID work for her. It ended up being taking things away that worked.

My youngest sister (15) has always been very affected by my Mom shutting her out. Not talking to her, removing affection when she was nasty to my mom, etc. She's 15 now, so that's a whole different battle and not sure what works! Lol.

I think consistency is the key. If you decide to take away a toy every time she hits/kicks/pinches then you have to do it every single time. And your husband/partner has to do it, too. As soon as you slack on it, they know. My 2.5 year old son started spitting lately when he's mad. At first I ignored it, hoping that no attention to it would make the phase pass. But, he did it right in my face. So, I told my husband that from now on spitting = timeout. I also told my son this. And I mean it, too.

Although it seems you have tried everything, I would suggest maybe taking a day or two where you do the SAME thing. See how it works and effects her.

Finally, I will say that I had dinner with an old friend the other night and she had some severe issues with her son. She found out that food allergies were the culprit. I know it sounds far fetched, but she showed be before and after videos and the transformation was absolutely amazing. Amazing. If the aggressive behavior continues, I would suggest looking into that.

Good luck and I hope you can figure it out! I'm so sad to read your post.

T.

Oh, I wanted to add...I agree with Angela A. that praise is just as important as discipline. When my 2.5 year old shares or gives hugs/loves to his 4 month brother, I make sure to thank him for being so nice. When he's playing nicely with his Thomas Trains or Cars, I be sure to tell him how happy I am that he's playing so nice and I ask him to give me a "high five". He loves it and I think it works wonders. Ok I'll shut up now. Have a great Holiday!

I used to always tell my son when he did that that there was a good way to get my attention and a bad way. If he hit, I would tell him that was a bad choice, the wrong way to get my attention and that I didn't want to play with him if he hit me.

I know telling her that when she hits or pinches you don't want to be around her or play with her seems cruel, but if she does it with other kids she won't have any friends. Be gentle about telling her in a calm voice. Tell her how that makes you sad.

One more thing- NEVER make reading or writing a punishment. You'll be setting them on the wrong path educationally. You'll have to struggle with them to do homework, and they will forever be set against reading and writing.

Also talk to her doctor about it. He might have some other ideas.

How is her speech and other developmental milestones? I would consider doing an evaluation with EI. Its free and if she qualifies they have peopel come to the home for speech and other things. You may notice a huge difference once some of their techniques are implemented! It sounds like she is probably having some difficulties communicating and is showing it in other ways. Good luck!

When did this behavior start A.? My son has left marks on me too. He would pull my hair, pinch me, try to bite me, scratch me, kick me. you name it. He is special needs and goes to a special school. He has been diagnosed with a seizure disorder and we are sure he has Autism but are getting that formally diagnosed now. He is 4 1/2 and he started acting up when he was 2. Up till then, he was the perfect baby. And then close to three is when it all hit the fan. I have had to restrain him so that he does not hurt me, and/or himself. I feel for you. I really do. I know how hard it is and I have been there too just crying and not wanting to be there and just wondering why. And it seems that Erik does it more with me then with anyone. He will try some of it with my oldest who is 12 but not like he does with me. He saves most of it for me and I am strict with him and consistant and mean business and always follow through too. I also have a 9 year old and he does not do that to her either.

S. Bailey CLD
Aurora
www.tendermomentsdoula.com

have you spoken with a doctor or a therapist. They might be able to point you in a direciton of hope. My only suggestion would be to get a rude rug and make her sit on it when she is mean, don't spoil her right now, let her know she is not in charge and when she does something mean ignore her, don't give her the attention she would normally get from you good or bad.

Get her to an allergist and have testing done. Allergies often present as aggression. I know that dairy can be a culprit, as well as food colorings.
My daughter is allergic to Red #40 and becomes extremely aggressive after eating something containing it. It takes about 10 days to "detox" from food dyes too. Yellow #5 is also a big one for dye allergies.
These are in virtually everything we eat and SO toxic. Google food dyes... you will see that they are made with petroleum and other nasty things.
I wish I had had someone tell me this when my daughter was 2! I had no idea what might be going on with her until she was almost and she was getting VERY aggressive with me after I would reward her with popsicles or slushies... I finally realized it wasn't the sugar like everyone was saying... it was the colors!
She's 7 now and eats NO red coloring and we try to keep her away from the other colors as much as possible. For treats, we make things homemade or go to Whole Foods or vitamin stores for candy, etc.

Good Luck!
M.

This may sound weird, but I read a true story about a mother who was going through the same thing, except the toddler was also hitting the nursing baby. The mother tried everything from spanking to time-outs to ignoring exc. Finally, she read some parenting book from like the 1900's (found at her Grandma's house or something) that suggested giving the child more love. The mother felt like she was already giving her daughter lots of love, but decided to try to give even more anyway. She let the house go and tried her hardest to just be available to her toddler. The mother endured a few days of hitting and biting but continued to be loving and not punish (gently saying "you may not hit me, let's play with your doll" is not punishing btw). By day four the mother could nurse the baby without the toddler hitting them and by day 10 her daughter had completely changed. She was cooperative, loving, exc. THe mother in the story also mentioned that for years to come when she got too busy her daughter would start acting out when she wasn't getting enough attention (for her, some children seem to need so much!)
It's worth a shot if you've exhausted everything else.

My son went through this phase. Eventually he grew out of it, but he did a lot of standing in the naughty spot :)! I would recommend using a consistent discipline, whatever you determine it to be. For us, he stood in the naughty spot for 3 minutes, then had to apologize to whomever he hit or kicked. We did this every time, and he learned eventually that he cannot do it. If he hit with something, that thing got taken away as well. They are super independent at this age, so maybe let her take the lead with what she wants to do - cuddle, crafts, play whatever. Also, getting somewhere to burn off all that energy works to stop the aggression - playing outside, or something physical helps them direct the energy. Plus, they nap better then!

Good luck!