I Am Going to Ask an Honest Question

I was, note was, married to somebody like that. Continue to seek counseling. It will not get better.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, M., but your husband sounds like a controller and abusive to me. What kind of marriage is it when you have to ask "permission" to spend time with a friend? This is the kind of stuff that happens to women who end up not being able to talk to their families, friends, etc.
Also, wanted to add that the behavior has NOTHING do do with the days/hours he works...he's got an issue. I wouldn't want my kids growing up with him as a father. Sorry. My 2 cents. Good luck to you.
p.s. No O. should have to live making decisions on day-to-day things about whether this is going to "set him off" or not...know what I mean? If you are using that line of thinking, your marriage and husband need professional help.

Ditto SH 100%. And I've been in your shoes, so you have my hugs. My DH finally got his anger under control (and I had to throw him out 3 times for it to even become *barely* acceptable).

Some things to think about:

1: He works 5 days a week and you work 7. A little disparity much? (I had to throw a major fit in my marriage to get him to see that... these days he'll sometimes come home talking about how tired he is, laugh and then say "says the man complaining of a 12 hour day to the woman who worked 14".

2) I don't know about your H, but mine felt rather entitled because he was the one bringing home money. In a fight I lost it and told him off saying that if all I was to him was cook, housecleaner, nanny, & prostitute he wasn't in a marriage. I then listed off the relative prices for each... and said he either owed me a paycheck or some durn respect for the series of hard and expensive jobs I did for the family. Let's total your net worth if you got hit by a bus and he had to "replace" you with professionals, shall we?:

- Full time nanny/childcare = min $2500 p/month (this is lowball, assuming school age children. Infant - age 3 childcare ...40hrs p/w... runs apx 1600 per child in any group daycare... so that would be $3200... plus paying whoever would cover the hours he's working beyond 40 a week.) So you can see $2500 is actually a very very low estimate.

- Maid = $60 p/hour. (lets say, to keep things as you do thats 2 hours a visit, 3x per week minimum... so $360 a week... $1440 p/m) In all reality, I'm sure you're cleaning at least an hour every day, and probably 2 hours per day. But we're trying to find your "minimum wage".

- Personal assistant/ shopper (he could skip this one and do it himself, but since you do... let's price it.) Apx $20 an hour. Lets say there's an average of 5 hours a week of shopping/errands (again lowball). $100 p/w or $400 p/m

- Personal Chef... lets go cheap and have it be a service like Dinner's Ready... for 3 people that's a min of $30. x7. = 210 a week, or $840 p/month.

- Escort... And here, in order to replace you, lets be realistic and go high end... bare/rock bottom minimum $500 an hour plus tip, and feel free to move your hourly base upward only. You do the math there, since I don't want to assume anything about your sex life.

And the grand total of what you're saving your family ='s
2500
1440
400
840
+ sex
_____
$ 5140

So not even including sex, your bare minimum wage as a SAHM, being replace by professionals is $5140. Not too shabby. Heck, even assuming he did everything himself... you still have $2500 coming your way from childcare + ? for sex. All of this though, remember, we lowballed like crazy. You could easily double it.

Again. Ditto SH, and hugs hugs hugs. I have SO been exactly where you're at. No more, thank god.

My husband works long hours, too. It was my choice to ensure that he never had to wash a dish or help because I felt like this is my "job" while I am at home. Many women disagree with this, but it worked for our marriage and I was happy. So was he.

Having said that, my husband also felt that I worked just as hard as he did and appreciated having clean underwear everyday. He encouraged me to get out on the weekends and do something for myself and take a break from the kids and the house.

While our marriage is not perfect, we are partners and we have to work together to make it work. We talk, agree, disagree, but we respect each other. There are no chairs thrown in this house.

You deserve time to yourself whether you work 80 hours a week or take care of your home. The blatant disrespect you got from your husband is not acceptable at all. I think he has some serious anger issues and this is not the type of man I would want around my two kids.

Counseling may be the answer, or you might have to consider some alternatives for your own safetly. What happens when that chair hits one of your kids? This is pretty serious.

Gather your strength and find a professional to discuss this with. Please keep us posted - I think I speak for all of us mamas when I say I'm concerned for you.

Your Husband, has a BIG problem.
You are not a caged animal or pet.
You are a HUMAN being. A woman, a wife, any person for that matter... has a RIGHT TO freedom and going out.
You are not the wrong one.

And he threw a chair across the room... what the heck kind of Dad/Husband does that?
HE is selfish, possessive, controlling, abusive, has an anger problem, is wrong and I would be VERY worried that his behavior can escalate...
AND you have 2 kids... they will grow up thinking that a "man" is like your husband, that a "wife" can be treated like trash, and that there is no respect or love in being treated like that.

This is not the Dark Ages... and this is simply not normal behavior.

LOTS of husbands work long hours and many hours and are very busy. But it does NOT mean that they control their wife or her free time or her weekends or what she does for fun... or with friends.
He needs professional help.
And the thing is... I bet if you question him or stand up to him... he will get pissed off? And insult you and make you feel like a bad wife? Like you owe him something?
That is not how a "husband" is. He has big problems.... and who does he think he is, that he does not even have to lift a finger in the house to help or even wash a dish? Is he a baby? Are you his Mother?

All the best,
Susan

That is classic abuser mentality. He is controlling you and now it's moved into physical violence. And the next step down the road will be violence that involves your body. You both need to get back to counseling ASAP. If he won't go you need to go alone because you have got to work thru what is going on and if he won't seek help you need to seriously consider getting out. But only do it when you have a set plan and can make your out without too much involvement with him.

"I am going to put my case forward in an unbiased way, and would love opinions on who is right or wrong!"

I'm sorry for your situation, but you were not unbiased, at all. You made sure everyone sees your husband as an abusive ogre and you as the poor, innocent slave. I know from my own experience.

Who cares who is right or wrong? Will it matter who is right or wrong when you're a divorced mama of two kids having to struggle to work all day and let someone else raise your babies? Stand on your principles all the way to divorce court, if you want to. It's a statistic (will try to find it) that when we get divorced, we're the ones who are more likely to be living below the poverty level and the exhusband moves on with his life nicely. (Ask yourself, are all the women so ready to advise you to hit the road and leave the bum going to help you pay the rent and raise your kids? I think not. It's much easier to give "great" advice when you have no stake in the outcome.)

No one is perfect. (It takes two to make a marriage work and it takes two to jack it up and ruin it as well.) Everyone gets fed up. Maybe you need to stop dwelling on how much you miss your best buddy and start thinking about how your husband is feeling. I can bet he is frustrated, feels unappreciated, underminded, and the list goes on. Even if you don't go anywhere when your husband is home, how is your attitude? Do you act like a twerp or do you make an effort to enjoy your family time? Do you make sure your husband knows you appreciate him busting his butt all week for you and the children or are you so quick to remind him what YOU do all week and how hard you work too?

My first priority as a wife and mother is my husband and children. Everything else kinda "gits in where it fits in" and that is not very much or very often. Don't let the "me time" myth fool you like it has so many of us.

You can't change your husband. Sorry, it won't work. BUT, you can change you. You can start having a positive attitude, a thankful heart, and show your husband he is number one, especially on weekends when he's home. He's going to look really silly throwing a chair when you are trying to make him feel like he has the most supportive wife in the world.

I'm sure there are feminazis freaking out right now, but I speak from experience with one failed marriage behind me. Thankfully, I was given the tools to participate in my second marriage like a responsible, loving, considerate adult before it ended in disaster too.

I wouldn't even worry about how wrong he actually is, but I would be worried that my children will learn his angry, uncontrollable behavior and that it may ruin their future relationships. I can not imagine living with someone who controlled what I did and got angry enough to throw a chair. This is not normal and you and your children do not have to live like this. Your husband has serious problems. I hope you will find the strength and determination to make sure you and your children are living in a safe and loving home. Good luck to you all!

I'm by no means a "feminazi", but I'm going to say that if throwing a chair and screaming at you is the "norm", then you need to get counseling. If if didn't work before, find a different counselor. Your children are going to learn about how to resolve conflict from the two of you. If that is a normal interaction over disagreement, then they are learning one of two things:

1. If you don't get your way, go off and have a fit.
2. If you don't agree, you're going to get screamed at, so you might as well sit down and shut up.

You don't mention whether you have boys or girls, but I think this is a good rule of thumb, would I want my son to be treated the way I treated his Dad? And do I want my daughter treated the way I was treated? Because most children will grow up to have relationships that mirror their parents' relationship.

Of course you are right, but you knew that before you asked. The issue is how you should continue to respond to his acts of anger. What did you end up doing? I would have said, "Sorry, honey. You are wrong to treat me this way. The children and I are going to meet my friend for horse back riding and you are welcome to join us, or take some time to cool off. We'll be back." I honestly don't know if I could have said the words, though I probably would have thought this, and headed for the door with the children. This sounds counter to that Biblical idea of submission, but quite frankly what he displayed is not the Biblical model of headship, and sometimes we need to act in such a way that, though honorable, also lets our voice be heard, at least making him think you are taking him up on the offer to stay gone may have gotten some attention. He thinks that by throwing things he will be heard. Somehow you need to help him realize the alienation that he is causing. Help him forgive himself and rebuild your marriage, but frankly if he is dangerous you need to give him lots of space.

M.,
Please try to find another counselor.
Not only is this abusive to you, he is modelling to your children how a wife should be treated and how a husband should behave.
If this goes on, it will probably just get worse.
Good luck and God bless.
Victoria

I have been in a very bad relationship. He was verbally, physically and sexually abusive. This is not the right way a relationship should be. You should always come and go as you feel regardless of what day it is. You two need to go get help, or you need to leave him. You should not be afraid to go out with a friend. I hope your find the help and strength you need. It is not easy to leave someone who is abusive. But it would be for the better in the long run. You have to think how your relationship is to your child? Children are sponges that suck up everything we do. If a parent is controlling they are going to think that it is okay to be that way. Relationships should be a two way street and loving. If not, it is no longer a relationship.

Good luck.

This is not a healthy household. You are doing all of the parenting and your husband is holding you hostage.

He works a lot, but guess what? You are working 24 hours a day 7 days a week..

Your children are totally going to be affected by his behavior. Please, please go back to counseling, find a new counselor ASAP..

To be honest, If it were me, I would pull my children out of that situation till he could be trusted to get his anger under control. He sounds like a ticking time bomb, I do not care how much he apologizes or promises you that he will never do this again.. He needs professional help. Do not be one of those women that did not follow her instincts. Be strong for your children and their safety. There are people that are equipped to help all of you.

I am sending you strength and clarity.

So how would you feel about not coming back? It can be hard to strike a balance between friends and family. And how much time would you have for socializing if you were working 12 hr days 5 days a week? He's not right about losing his temper and throwing things around. He deserves some respect for working as hard as he does. BUT you and he should both be able to see friends sometimes, too. If you were visiting every weekend, that might be excessive. Once every couple months does not seem too bad (did he get any advance notice or was this sprung on him?). Can you take the kids with you when you visit? Maybe he's too tired to look after the kids and that's why he gets bent out of shape. Can your whole family go visit the horses? You guys need some family counseling. Could be you both might do better if you were apart and standing on your own rather then depending upon each other and resenting each other for it.

WHAT ON EARTH??? What kind of relationship is this?? relationships are partnerships, they are give and take. This is not. I can't believe you are putting up with this?? What is he, your father? I just don't get it. You are supposed to be able to do things for yourself, go out and have some fun. This is CRAZY!!! You should always always be able to do what you want. I want to be with my husband and kids on the weekends, but I also want to run out and do some errands by myself and see friends every now and then. I need a break and I get one. You should too! It is our right. Not something that you need to ask him permission to do. He should be encouraging you to do things for yourself. A happy mom and wife makes a good mom and wife. Is he controlling and abusive? Sounds like it. I think he may need a reality check!! He got his way? He sounds like a spoiled child. You are in a partnership!

Your situation sounds very dangerous and you should pack up your children and leave. Contact a relative or organization for abused women if you need help getting out.
Someone who flies off the handle for a minor thing like going out on the weekend is unpredictable - even if he has never hurt you, you simply don't know that maybe next time that chair lands on your head or maybe even accidentally hurts one of your children.
Leave while you can.

This sounds like a potentially abusive relationship and in my personal opinion, you should start making plans to leave if you need to. Start squirreling money away and make plans with some of your friends to stay with them if you need to.

So what he works long hours and wants the family together on the weekends. That should not preclude you to not doing something with your friends. Even if everyone is invited. Especially if it is very occasionally.

Go back to counceling and encourage your DH to find a less stressful and time consuming ob.

M., I'm so sorry he puts you in that position. I think you know who is wrong. If he is throwing chairs or yelling at you when you suggest that you would like to make your own grown up desision about something you need to seek help. If he doesn't let you make your own desisions, he controls you. If he is controling you and you are not ok with that, and he shows anger when you express that you are not ok with it, you are in a dangerous situation.

I realize I am coming from a Christian perspective, and not everyone reading this is a Christian. But, I want to encourage you to put God first in your life. Put Him first in your life. And then put Him first in your marriage. You can have a marriage where you trust one another and you have peace with one another. And you can be a blessing to each other and you can be a blessing to your children. Your children will have an example to follow. We are lacking in examples today. Our children need to see strong couples, strong mothers and fathers standing together.

Don’t give up on your marriage. Hope is not gone. With God all things are possible. It is not impossible for you to have the marriage that God wants you to have. Put God first and you will see that you will have a blessed and beautiful marriage as He planned for you to have.

Oprah has a great show on this you can search for it on her web site. It sounds dangerous and the children want to get out of there. The children will be fearful their whole life being around that. /You need to have documented proof and keep a journal, make a plan to leave and have everything ready ahead of time. God Bless you , keep praying for guidance and protection.

Your husband is wrong on many different levels. Your his wife, not his housekeeper. Naturally he would want to spend time with you on the weekends, however, he has no right to tell you who and who you cannot see and when you can see them.

It sounds like your husband is very controlling. Does he go out with his buddies on the weekends? If yes, then it would seem reasonable that you have some time with your friends on weekends (maybe only one weekend a month or a few hours).

Do you have friends (couples) over during the weekend? Do you do family activities on the weekends? Or does he basically relax while you take care of the kids and house? If it's the last, I suggest marriage counseling.

I agree with the other moms that this is an abusive relationship. There is nothing wrong with liking your routine and wanting weekends to be family time, but a marriage has to have some flexibility. You say you cannot go anywhere or see anybody period. What do you do all weekend while he is home? What does "attending his needs" entail? A better question- how do you feel about the weekends- do you look forward to them or dread them?

I am not going to reiterate everything that was posted here. I think you can see the general consensus. And I just looked at your other posting because I was curious to see how old your children are. I notice you deleted the questions from a lot of them, but I can see by the responses that they have to do with your marriage. You really need to look at your situation and see if it is worth saving. If so, you need to go to a new counselor. A male therapist is often a better choice in a relationship like this, your husband will likely respond better to a male. Therapists are not one size fits all, you might have to try a few before you find one you like.

Regardless of whether he ever actually hits you or your children, this is damaging to your kids. I grew up in a house with a dad who screamed and threw chairs and hit walls, not often, but every once in a while he would totally blow up. We lived our lives wondering when he would lose it next time. I still have issues from my childhood. I rushed into an early marriage because he was the opposite of my father and was safe. I am happily married, but I acknowledge that my motives for getting married were not healthy, and we have our own problems that stem from this. I have self-esteem issues, and frighten easily in conflict. I always flash back to being 9 yrs old and scared, so it is hard to stand up for myself. Or I go to the other extreme and turn into a harpy. I am going to have issues as I raise my child, I already see them. I don't have coping skills sometimes for my own anger or frustration. I have been depressed and have anxiety attacks. I would never allow my children to be raised in the environment I was raised in. Most of the time I am ok, but growing up that way shaped my life, and not for the better. You need to look very closely at how this relationship is affecting them. If you won't stand up for yourself, stand up for them. I wish you luck.

It seems unreasonable of him. I am also a SAHM and my husband always makes sure I get to go out and do something by myself at least once a week. Just so I can get a break and be around adults. You need to escape once in awhile also. I don't know what I could suggest you do except try the counseling again. He seems like he's got insecurity issues about himself.

I have some questions... would he have reacted the same way if you would have asked him earlier in the week to go out this weekend? Did he have plans that you were may not have been aware of? Did he have a strange or bad week at work? It is possible something is wrong or bothering him?

My hubby has had a few out burst like this through out our 15 yr married & I'll admit - I've never thrown a chair, but I have pitched a dish in the sink & broke it. But neither of us had get physical w/ eachother or our harmed our kids. Usually there is something else behind the out burst & somes we aren't able to link them till after the fact. Mine are usually close to the annivercery of my bothers death - even if I don't relize what day it is... I'm very "weird" on that day.

When I worked during the week & hubby was home with the kids all week - I perfured him to stay home with me on the weekends & I was only working 40 hr a week. Mainly because by the time I got home, dinner was done, kids out of the bath, & homework done - I was tired and didn't want to stay up. I would get upset if his friend called and asked him to go do something right then & it was the weekend, but if I knew in advance it didn't bother me. I knew what to expect for the weekend & not to make plans - even if it was just going to be cuddling on the coutch (which is something I love to do). Just as it bothers him if I just deside to go out without "warning"... I do go out the first Saturday of the month w/ my mom, sister & grandma for brunch (that is if they don't cancle). But it is on the calander & I remind him of it a few days before, so he is perpared for me not to be here for few hours.

I guess I look at things a little different then most. I don't see it as two people living in a house together - it's one person in two bodies. We all get angry & act out in our own ways... if he has never hurt you or your kids there is a way of working through everything. I do agree that being a mom full time is hard work, but so is working 60+ hours a week outside the home... I have done them both, but when I was working the 12 hr shifts it was 7 days a week & we didn't have kids. And to be honest our marrage went through the ringer because we were never together - that is when I was actually awake. I don't think I could pull 12 hr shift w/ kids... that is without feeling guilty - could his anger be from that? Is that why he got so upset about you wanting to go out during "his" time? I mean you are able to do what you want during the week without issues... so there has to be a reason he was so upset about this situation. Till you understand that part it will be hard to "make sence" of the situation.

As for friend... the internet is the closest thing I have to friends. Like I said I go out for brunch once a month (and they cancled the last 2 months) and I'm trying to set up a lunch date with my old co-workers (we all lost our jobs last July when out plant closed & want to catch up), but it has been hard to find a day everyone can make it. Other then that my outings deal with shopping, doc appointments & dropping/picking up kids from school I don't do much else, but take care of the house & family. Which is about the same life my sister lives as a stay-home-mom. Like I said being a full time mom isn't easy, we have to give up a lot to make sure everything is done. But I also see your hubby's side because I have done the 12 hr shifts as well.

Talk to him - don't quesiton him... see if maybe you can set-up a family outing with your family & your friend's family. It might go over better if it's said from the get go that it's a family outing... not a friend inviting you horse back ridding at the last minute. Then he can plan other things he wants to do around the family outing & you are able to spend a little time w/ your friend & yet he doesn't feel as if you don't want to be with him when he isn't working his b*** off.

But to answer your main question... who was right & who was wrong - in some ways you both were both right & in others you were both wrong. It's not really a question of that - it should be a quesiton of how can we make it work in the future where we both walk away happy not upset. I do feel he over reacted to the situation, but also you know he likes you to stay home on the weekends & should have respected that fact by turning down your friend for the last minute inventation or tried setting up another day to go.

But like I said earlier - I look at things a lot differnet then most do... sorry about that. It is how I am & sometimes I get flack because of it, but I'm trying to answer from my heart & expericances.

I wish you luck & hope you are able to find a way to talk with him calmly (I do mean both of you calmly) and work out something where you can see your friend & he still feels important to you.

Well, first of all.....it sounds like he has a bit of an anger management issue if he threw a chair across the room and threatened you to not come back. That is not a healthy way to communicate your feelings.

Secondly - I can understand that he wants some time with you, especially if he is working so many long hours during the week. Sometimes, the guys just want to feel loved and appreciated for all that they do. He sacrifices during the week for you to be able to stay home with the children and provide for you all. That has to be stressful.

Yes, it was only an hour, but it might be that the source of his anger and frustrations run a little deeper than this incident.

Just my 2 cents........good luck!

it sounds like he is overly dependent on your presents around him. he needs to grow up and except they fact that there is a life out there and you do have a life also. yes he wants to be around you he says but his actions say another thing sometimes. ask him about this....see if you can include him on some of these outings, see if there are any other men that he knows that may want to do men type things with him or even have them over for a cook-out and a game, invite some families over for movie and maybe some games.he does need some time when he is not working that he can relax but so do you, the kids and a house can take a lot out of you, does he see this?????

He is wrong for acting out like that with you, but not in his desire to have you around. This system works for you guys, so it's cool. Maybe next time you want to do something, you can sweeten the pot by promising a "treat", whatever that might mean in your family. Maybe you can do your activity while he's napping or something. There's no right or wrong for your situation; it's just about knowing what to do to get what you want.

Discuss with him well in advance if you want to make a change to your arrangement. I know that I want/need that from my husband. When he springs something on me--because he has got me spoiled--I get upset and pout for a while. He has to "make it up to me" somehow. Learn to do what you need to do to get what you want. Talk to your husband.

Get out, he sounds incredibly violent and possessive. You're not in a healthy relationship. Counseling probably didn't work because he didn't want to face the truth of his anger. Throwing a chair in front of anyone is scary and unhealthy. Do you want your children to get hurt? Grow up believing they should keep their spouses on a short leash? no, then why should you put up with this?

get out now for your safety and the safety and well being of your children.

Oh girl, this just feels VERY wrong. I got tense reading your message. My husband just finished medical residency, so I understand what it's like to be alone with the kids 90% of the time. However, my husband understood that this was really hard on me and that sometimes I needed to get away. That was almost always on the weekends because it was the only time he was able to watch the kids so I could get out. Sometimes I felt bad about that since weekends were often our only time together as a family, but my sanity was on the line!

Your husband is acting selfishly, and I honestly fear for your safety. He is not considering your emotional needs, and in his selfishness is not loving you. Do you go to church? I am a firm believer that we are not capable of really loving each other without the help of God, especially when the stresses of life are pressing on all sides! Please let me know how things go for you.

No one has suggested that religion can change people from the inside. There's always hope that through Christ's help, marriages, families and everything important can be saved.

Here's a link to an article that might help explain the changes that are possible.

http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?hideNav=1&locale=0&...

Counselling would be the best bet for this type of relationship because anger issues have no place in a loving marriage that will last through time. http://www.bayareafellowship.com/baf-media if you catch it soon, not sure how often they update it each week but the sermon from the week i went 2 weekends ago is up now and it's a very good one concerning relationships, issues and problems. check it out and good luck with everything.

There is a counselor, very funny, entertaining, yet effective that can be seen on youtube. His name is Mark Gungor. He is very helpful in all areas of marriage, and is so amusing that he is able to keep a man's attention as well as the willing wife.
His bottom line for therapy is to handle life situations as God has instructed. If two people will follow the ways that are found in the Bible, they will ONLY find themselves in a healthy, happy fulfilling friendship. I, nor is Mark Gungor, saying to go ask a preacher or church goers how to do this. Only seek answers from the LORD, Himself. Watch those youtube clips. You wont regret it.

While I don't agree with the temper issues and I think you need to get serious help before something goes really wrong, I do think that the weekends are what he feels to be his time with his family. I am in the same situation as you, but I feel like the weekends are my husbands. If I need or want to see a friend, then try to schedule a time to meet them during the week at lunch. I'm sure your friends get a lunch break. However, in saying this I do feel that there are exceptions. As long as you don't make it an every weekend thing, every now and then shouldn't be a problem to meet a friend on the weekend. If your husband has an issue, then maybe you should just stay home and appease him. Hard sometimes, but besides the temper issues it sounds like you have it really good to be able to spend that time with your children. I know I appreciate the fact I get to raise my child instead of having to part with her for daycare. I commend all the women who have to leave their children at daycare to go to work, because I know it has to be hard.

I know you have lots of answers here but I just had to jump in. This sounds very much like my first marriage. You and your husband are two people who have entered a partnership. A marriage takes both people pulling their weight to make it work, and from what I can tell you are both doing that. You are an equal partner in this marriage. There fore, you have the right to do what you want in your free time. Your husband does work hard, but so do you. Taking care of a house and two kids all by yourself is no easy task. I think a lot of men see this as not working but its a lot of work and you do it all by yourself. You have every right to go see your friends, go to a movie, go horse back riding, or what ever. The two of you should get in to counseling right away. The longer this goes on the more used to isolation you are going to get. And that's not right.
K.

I think he sounds overly insecure and somewhat abusive. An couple of hours with a friend once a month should not be a big deal. Definitely not something to throw a chair about. He has issues. I hope for your sake and the kids it doesn't get any worse. I had to kick my ex out when my son was 2 because he had anger management issues, which I associated with pot smoking, but what ever the reason he wasn't willing to fix it and I didn't want my son growing up with that. It isn't easy being a single mom, but it's much better for me and my son. Much calmer environment and I have less work to do around the house. You might want to look into what kind of work you can get if you have to leave.

Made my hubby read this request with me......yes....your hub is an a%&!!! Hubby needs to realize that the world revolves around other people other than himself.

Meg

Your husband really overreacted. Has he done this type of thing before? I would be very worried...

You should be able to go out on the weekends to have some "me" time every now and then without him or the kids. This would also give him the opportunity to have some one-on-one time with the kids which they need as well. Maybe once a month or so you could hang out with your friends for a few hours and he could take the kids somewhere fun and special like to the movies or a museum or something. I'm sure the kids miss him during the week. And when you get back home later in the day and the kids have gone to bed, you and your husband will still be able to spend quality time together.

The counseling did not work because he did not want it to work. His anger issues must be adressed for your sake and your children's. Does he ever go fishing or out with the guys on weekends?

This is a tough one; there are two sides to every story.
On your behalf; consider talking or suggest spending time with him and the kidos at your friend’s home. This may allow him to feel, you are taking him into consideration and are giving him his place. In other words make plans don’t just say (by the way)
On his behalf; working all week and as long as he does, can take a toll on anyone person (Man or woman). I can see where he can get irate and throw a fit, but there is no excuse for him to show anger in any physical manner!! I hope he does not display this in front of your children!
Take sometime to spend with each other, you said he allows you to do what ever you want during the week. Ask your fiend to take some time out of her week for you. I am sure she will understand and accept your situation.
Please be careful and reach out for help when you need it.
Take care,
Linda

Honest answer:

Your husband is wrong. Life is a balance and expecting you to stay with him every weekend is ridiculous. Period. End of story. You picked him and you know what he is like...and how to try and "deal" with him...but if it were me, I would not allow my relationship to have this type of imbalance.

You are doing everything he can ask of you with the house and the kids, not to mention putting up with HIM.....I think you need to speak up for yourself and put your foot down on what you need/want!

The horseback riding situation is gone but you should sit down with him and tell him what you think about how he handled the whole situation.

Good for you guys for doing the counseling...good luck with that. I am sure you have learned some communication skills....this would be an excellent opportunity to use them....I would not tolerate his way of thinking about you and your time...after all, you are your own person and thus have the RIGHT to do as you like ~within reason of course~and this is WAY within reason!

Hi M.. You seem very understanding about his long work hours, but think of this.....he works 12-13 hours a day and you work 24 hours a day.

He is wrong. Period. No matter what, he should not be controlling your time and DEFINITELY not throwing chairs at you and ranting like a toddler!

You are not being selfish. I would get into counseling right away. The way your husband is acting is not normal and should not be allowed.

If he says that you need to stay home and be attentive to his needs tell him that he is able to wipe his own butt after going potty and he knows how to make himself a sandwich so he won't starve.

STAND STRONG and don't be a doormat!

Thowing a chair - that's scary. Where were the kids when he was doing this? How long before he accidentally hits one of them with a thrown chair or other object? How long before his anger issues turn more abusive.

My next question would be - how old is your husband because he is acting like a little kid. You are not his maid or servant. What is wrong with a man who is so demanding of you and would even tell you if you go don't come back. Personally I would have gone just by him saying that to me but you probably did the right thing in order to save a fight. He needs to grow up and stop his angry outbursts. I couldn't live like that, don't know how you do. Your husband needs some serious help and if he won't get it then why do you have to pay the price for it. What is he afraid of? Seems very insecure to me. That is not a marriage I am sorry to say. I hope you two can get help or you are in for a miserable life I am afraid. You do what you want during the week because he is not there. He controls you when he is there. Remember your chldren will learn from what you two set as examples. Ask yourself if you are happy this way and if you are then OK, but apparently you are not since you are asking advise. This is considered an abusive marriage. No one has the right to dictate your life like he is doing. Please think this over because as years pass it only gets worse. Don't think your friends don't know it either. They just aren't saying anything. Do you have family that can help you if you had to leave? Good Luck to you.

Wow. This sounds like a deeper issue than an afternoon on horseback, more or less.

I can see points on both sides. On the one side, he's working many long hours, and wants to be surrounded with his family on his days off. To me, that's actually kind of flattering. (That is, unless he just wants you around to bring him a cold one and keep the kids quiet while he watches the game.) He also sounds like the kind of guy that does NOT like surprises. Perhaps he does enjoy doing things with the family...with notice. I don't know, I've never met either of you. I'm just playing devil's advocate here and trying to give him benefit of the doubt.

On the other hand...throwing a chair and threatening you is NOT the way to deal with things. That does not show you ANY kind of respect, and certainly doesn't teach your children how to behave. There is room in a marriage for disagreements, and perhaps even the occasional heated argument. But there is NO room for scare tactics and violence. None.

It sounds to me like you and your husband need to have a serious talk (perhaps several serious talks) about the rules and expectations of your marriage. Marriage is all about compromise and working through things. Perhaps you could agree to keep weekend outings minimal, and to things that are planned and agreed upon in advance...and he could agree to be pleasant about it (or at least civil). He DEFINITELY needs to get his anger under control, for ALL of your sakes. Perhaps he needs a different job? I know first-hand that a job with a lot of hours and demands can turn you into a person you don't even recognize. He might even be depressed. Counseling may not have worked the first time, but I would absolutely give it another go with someone different. If nothing else, they can function as an impartial mediator as you and your husband try to work through some of these issues.

If he continues with his violent outbursts, you do need a Plan B, and one that can be implemented on short notice. Marriage is important and needs time and understanding...but immediate safety takes precedence, for both you and your children. Don't wait until you're in a situation where you need to do something...plan it out now, and be ready to carry it out calmly and quickly. Hopefully you'll never need it, but it's kind of like insurance...better to have it and not need it, than to need it and not have it.

In the end, it's really not about who's right or wrong. I really think that a marriage has a hard time thriving when husbands or wives keep score, and I can't think of a single instance in which score-keeping would be beneficial to your marriage. You are supposed to be on the same team, after all. Do I think your husband's outburst was appropriate? No. You wouldn't tackle your own quarterback. But perhaps the plays haven't been clearly called. Communication is the only way to win in this game. Time to set some boundaries, and get to the heart of the matter. We're all here to support you!

You are right. That behavior is controlling and abusive and very immature. Reminds me of something I would've done when I was 18! He needs to grow up. Everyone needs time away with friends. I would sit down and explain this to him and set limits on it if that makes him more comfortable - maybe do something with your friends one weekend out of each month?
Good luck.

Hi M., I'm sorry that you are going thru this ordeal with your husband.
We humans tend to NOT appreciate what we have till its all gone. Is he happy where he works? A lot of times we tend to be at a place that we really don't like but have to make some money to live. I have been married for 9 yrs and the most important thing to us is family. My husband works and sometime he works from home and on weekends depending if he is on call. My husband loves his job and he is always happy. There has been times that he does not want to go out but I can do as I please without him. He even takes care of our children. I'm very blessed. I also stay home and I can certanly understand that you want some "me time" once in a while. My advice to you is to seek for professional help. Get a better counselor. He needs an aggressive counselor kind of a Dr Phill kind of guy. He needs to learn some compashion towards you. Seek help for the T. of you life is too short to waste it just like this.

The best of luck,
Elisa M