How Loud Is Your Family (i.e. Yelling)?

There was a commercial on TV YEARS ago (donkey years). It was for a perfume called "whisper" I suppose. BUT, there was a visual of a sultry woman, holding a bottle of the stuff saying, "If you want to get someone's attention...whisper" (or something along those lines).

Anyway, I was having a 'bad bad VERY bad day' with a houseful of 7 under 7 at home. THEY were having a bad day as well. I wanted to scream and yell (frankly I wanted to strangle a couple of them)...

BUT...I whispered. It took a few minutes...but they began 'shushing' each other. I was 'heard'.

The moral is..I save my 'yelling' now for really imminent emergencies.

The kids learned that when I use my 'whisper voice', they need to know I mean business.

And now...dammit...where can I find that perfume???

LOL

Best!

Oh.
Yelling at the kids.
No, I never was one for yelling much.
Now if I'm on the phone talking with my Mom - I've been told my volume rises quite a bit.
It's not yelling so much as enthusiasm.

My best friend in high school was one of 7 kids.
Her mom was a tiny little thing - not quite 5 feet tall - ALL her kids towered over her - and when she got quiet - Oh BOY did they know they were in trouble!

By saying things 4 or 5 times - you're giving them too many chances to ignore you.
You get their attention and then quietly say things once.
After that, if what ever it is doesn't get done, then don't rescue them from the consequence.
In my husbands family, if people didn't come when called for dinner - then they missed it.
Too bad - so sad - they'll come when called next time!
Dinner is when Mama serves it - not when people decide to show up.

We stopped. It didn't work. It just escalated the situation and turned into a lot of yelling back. It really showed a total lack of respect from each of us toward the other, we decided.

Your kids aren't listening to you. They don't need to, because you will repeat yourself 4-5 times, and only when you yell will they realize you mean it. They know that every request/demand will come with multiple chances to ignore you. You need to give them much more immediate consequences for not listening the first time.

Ahhh, you have the illusion they have it all together. Remember, in public, we all change our tone when we get onto our kids. But in private, it's a totally different world. Don't be fooled. I used to be very loud but my kids are older and they have matured but I was VERY loud when they were younger. There is a meme I found that says, "Why do mom's have to go bat$hi! crazy before anyone will listen to them?" So, so true! YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

I know this isn't really an answer to your question, but raising your voice as a usual occurence is counter productive to what you are trying to accomplish, getting your kids to listen and to do what you've asked. All this does is make it so that you have to yell more to get them to listen and do what they've asked.

Instead, they need to do their chores before they get to do what they want. Find their "currency", what really matters to them, and use that.

In my opinion yelling is totally wrong. It means you loose control on the situation and this could let kids look for a way to avoid something you are asking about, some kind of power on you. I expect my daughters listening the first time and like other moms here, I'm all for consequences, punishments and consistence. No space for compromises, especially when kids try to get them in a disrespectful way. At the same time I try always to be good listener, putting myself in my daughters shoes and trying to help them to understand why they need to make what is asked.
Using kindness and firmness at the same time is what works best for us.

I find whispering gets my kids attention. When I start whispering they have to strain to hear me. I don't yell because I was yelled at a lot in my first marriage. To me, yell if I'm about to get hit by a car and don't see it or there's a rattlesnake nearby. Other than that, no yelling. Please don't think I don't have other issues I need to work on, I absolutely do.

When I start to whisper my kids know I'm getting to the edge of my ledge. They're usually pretty quick to get a grip. If not, I tell them I'm taking a time out and I go to my room so I don't escalate.

Best to you,
L.

Try the book, "She's Gonna Blow". The key is there is a consequence if what you asked isn't done. You ask them to take out the trash. If they don't do it, there is an immediate consequence. There is no asking 4 or 5 times or yelling at all. That is stressful for everyone and doesn't teach them anything. Probably any parenting book would help you. Good luck.

Yelling is an indicator that you are not giving your children immediate consequences for not listening. You are training them to ignore you. Yelling isn't good. If I had it to do over again, I would be stricter and not yell.

If i have to raise my voice, generally that's my cue that my kids are wound. I say "too far" and that's everyone's cue that I am going to lose it. It means - scatter - separate - go outside, vamoose. Typically here, it's around our evening meal. Everyone gets a bit wound, and the noise level increases, and I'm just trying to get us fed.

With me and asking them to do things over and over.. I just give a warning instead of repeating myself. I say "now" and they know I mean business.

So it's a firm loud "now" but not yelling.

Generally, if I yell it means that I am stressed, or that I have a migraine coming on and noise is getting to me.

We had a little one visit yesterday who didn't know what "no" meant. I found myself repeating to her a number of times and it bugged me. It's exhausting.

I find being consistent and having consequences cuts back on that. Mine know I mean business. I'm not nice when I get pissed.

I also think everyone is louder at home than in public. So what you observe may be not be a true representation of how it always is. We all yell at times :)

I don't know how old your kids are, but mine are 10, 8 and 6. I'm not a yeller. I hate yelling. I hate myself when I yell. My parents weren't yellers either, so if someone yelled, it was very frightening to us to see them spazzing out like that. They were strict with discipline, so we heeded their stern warnings most of the time. When I hear other people yelling at their kids, it's the world's most annoying sound to me. Does it happen? Do I yell? Yes. And when I find myself in one of those phases where I'm yelling on a semi-regular basis for a few days, I have to make some changes. Adjustments to our day-to-day to trouble shoot the triggers of the chaos...have I been neglectful and unorganized? Have the kids been indoors too much in winter? Whatever...and most of all: Less bluster and more action with discipline. I give a formal warning, "Hey, you all aren't listening to me lately, and it's stressing me out and I will not yell, so the next time____happens____will happen." and I have to follow through right away. Yelling is not any more effective than talking, it's all about when kids know their boundary has been reached. They can reach that boundary after talking if you take firm action instead of yelling.

However, many households have a comfort level with yelling. They grew up with it and do it all the time, and no one minds much. The kids are sort of trained not to listen until someone is yelling. So you have to find your personal comfort zone and enforce it. But no, you are not the only one yelling.

we're not very loud. sometimes i guess i was when the boys were little and got so involved in things that they tuned me out. but i don't think it was good parenting on my part.
a better strategy is to go more quiet.
khairete
S.

I raise my voice to be heard if necessary, like when the kids are in another room or outside. I've also yelled at my kids in frustration. I'm sure most people do at some point. It is when it becomes a regular situation that there is a problem.

My stepdad was a yeller. He was NOT a hitter and he did NOT say horrible and mean things. He was simply loud and yelling all the time. He was out of control and had no grip on his own emotional state.

The more you yell, the less likely the kids will be to listen to you. If you want to be the boss, you have to be in control, and it starts with yourself. The more you yell, the less respectable you are and the more likely there is to be an environment of fear.

It took a few years after I moved out as a young adult to stop having a startle-freeze-racing heartbeat PTSD type reaction the sound of a truck's airbreak. He was a truck driver and would be gone several days at a time. When my siblings and I would hear the sound of his truck arriving home, we'd scramble to make ourselves scarce because we didn't know what his mood would be.

He realized after I left that he had a problem with yelling (still 3 kids at home) and started seeing a therapist. He changed A LOT and by the time there were grandkids on the scene, he was someone who could be trusted and relaxed around.

He did not intend to be abusive. He loved us very much. It doesn't take intention or harsh/mean words to be abusive. Volume and frequency is enough to cause trauma.

Being angry is okay, but how you handle it matters. Do what you need to do to learn how to manage your own emotional state so that you can be an effective parent instead of a reactive one.

Added: I forgot something very important - remember to apologize when you're wrong. If you slip up and yell because you've lost your cool, it good to apologise for it and amdit that you were wrong to yell. You still hold them accountable for their own behavior and they still have to follow your rules, but they need to know that you're human and fallible too. You'll teach them to take responsibility for their own wrongdoing in the future and try to make amends.

I try not to ever yell. I have lost it out of complete frustration before, but I am ashamed afterwards. My goal is to stay calm, use a quite voice, yet be firm when the kids are driving me bonkers. My husband never yells.

hello again deedee,

I came from a family of origin that yelled, slammed doors, broke stuff and spanked with rulers and hairbrushes and whatever else was in arms reach. I grew up scared to death of the unpredictability of my home and still struggle with anger and resentment that this created in me.

I don't think this is what you're getting and I understand the nuance. However, your kids may not. I work very hard to keep my tone as respectful toward my DS as I expect his to be toward me. I am also human and fallible and have been known to lose it. However, those instances are few and far between...so far the hormonal teenager living in my house is tolerable.

I will say this, when I know I've seen red and gone too far, I always sit him down and apologize as specifically as possible. I never say that I yelled because of any action or inaction on his part. I always take ownership. I will however try to convey that he's old enough that a single request should be sufficient and if it's a situation where he needs to finish something before he fulfills my request, then he need to communicate that back to me so I can adjust my expectations.

The link below to the Mom Song on You Tube will make you laugh and we all deserve more of that......I laughed so hard I cried. We're all in great company. :-) S.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CXgoJ0f5EsQ

I don't think your wrong I think your human..
I yell also.. And like you only after I've asked several times without any success.
Although I may raise my voice it is NEVER in an intimidating manner. I don't yell at them in a threatening tone but more in a frustrated one..
I have tried recently to let the consequences of them not listening without me having to say anything get the point through to them better.
When they suddenly realized that I was not letting it be about me yelling, rather what it is really about, which is that they need to respect not only they're mother but others as they would like to be respected when they are speaking... The light bulb goes off above they're heads and it's like ...
Omg!!! Moms not feeding into us and now it's bedtime and homework had not been done and she asked us to get it done twice , we didn't listen and oh no!!!! Tomorrow we will get a big fat zero for not getting our homework done!!!!
This not only takes the stress off me from feeling guilty for yelling or hollering at them but makes them listen the first time in most cases for the first time!!
Hope this helped!!
:)

I guess it's just you and me.

The thing is I am not a yelling person. .I never raise my voice at my son...my daughter on the other hand blows up at everything. .calm voice whispering... trying to enforce consequences. ..NOTHING works when she is on a rip....so she has trained me to YELL. It's terrible..but that is where I am now.. I wish I had the mental energy to train her.. but I dont...she behaves at school and in public So i know that it's pretty much me she acts like this for....I just hope I can keep enough other people in her life that she is motivated to listen to to keep her balanced. . Because she is too much for me...and I have yet to find her currancy/motivter.

Updated

I guess it's just you and me.

The thing is I am not a yelling person. .I never raise my voice at my son...my daughter on the other hand blows up at everything. .calm voice whispering... trying to enforce consequences. ..NOTHING works when she is on a rip....so she has trained me to YELL. It's terrible..but that is where I am now.. I wish I had the mental energy to train her.. but I dont...she behaves at school and in public So i know that it's pretty much me she acts like this for....I just hope I can keep enough other people in her life that she is motivated to listen to to keep her balanced. . Because she is too much for me...and I have yet to find her currancy/motivter.

Extremely loud that even my niece is picking up on the yelling at 4 years of age. My siblings (niece's parents) do yell more when my parents aren't home which is kind of funny. She listens more though which is good since she is fearless when grandparents are around...

I don't yell pretty much ever. I ask my kids to do something. I remind twice in a normal tone of voice. If they still don't do it, they get an immediate consequence for not listening - usually the loss of whatever they are doing that they think is more important than what I'm asking them to do (immediate loss of iPod, etc). Yelling is unnecessary.

In fact, long ago someone told me that yelling is lazy parenting. That stuck with me. It might be easier to yell than to enforce a consequence (because the consequence often inconveniences me too), but it's worth it to have a more peaceful house.