Husband Has Physically and Mentally Checked Out

Hi A.,

I would guess that your husband is feeling overwhelmed and insecure. He sounds like he would fit the same profile as my husband, which is a person whose lifestyle priority is significance. His worst fears are meaningless and unimportance, and he thinks that he can avoid feeling this way by doing more & being better than others. This is why he has become a workaholic & feels overburdened. I got this profile from the book, "Positive Discipline for Preschoolers" published by Prima, and my husband recognized that it fit him perfectly. Once I was able to understand his feelings and motives better, it was easier for me to empathize with him, and offer him my support. I am sure that it hurt your feelings to find the note that he had written, but I think you need to let that go for now & concentrate on what you can do to improve your marriage. If he feels like you are trying to "take away his decision making in his life, our marriage and the raising of our son", ask yourself if you have done anything in the past that made it seem that way to him, even if you had the best intentions at the time. I know that for me, my lifestyle priority is control. I often feel like I know what is best & try to control my family & my life as much as possible, but that sends the message to my husband that I don't think he's capable, and that causes a downward spiral in his self-esteem. Now, I love my husband very much, and when I married him, I knew that I was making a solemn vow before God to be in this marriage until death, so I am more than willing to do what I can to understand his needs and make our marriage work, even if it means giving up some of my control. I firmly believe that you can't change another person- you can only change yourself, but in changing myself & how I relate to my husband, I have seen significant changes in his behavior as well. It has been a win-win situation. A good friend of mine gave me this printout in a marriage class we were taking together, and I have it taped on my wall by my desk so I can refer to it whenever I need to. It says:

Think before you speak. Ask yourself if what you want to say is:

T-rue

H-elpful

I-inspiring

N-ecessary

K-ind

A wife should:

1. praise her husband often

2. appreciate her husband

3. express confidence in her husband

4. give him freedom to risk and fail

5. NEVER say "I told you so"

6. be a partner, not a mother

7. communicate honestly (don't offer hints, men don't get them)

8. share needs not demands

9. don't nag (let GOD change him)

10. initiate romance

I think this is very good advice & following it has improved my marriage a ton. I hope it can help you, too.

C. : )

I would try speaking with him and voice your feelings, if he is done and isn't willing to work on things than leave. Your not doing your son any good being unhappy and him seeing that his daddy doesn't have time for him. You have to think you have been lucky enough to have spent as much time as you have with you and your son and he will understand your trying to give him a happy and healthy life!
I wish you the best of luck. No one should have to feel the way you do or go through this. No one tells you this stuff when you get married but unfortunatly things don't always go the way we want them to. I hope for you and your son your husband wakes up and sees what he could be missing. Just stay positive and strong for your little boy! You will get through it.

OMG Darling that's horrible. I too, had a husband who checked out physically and emotionalliy.... I dont want to sound negative, but it sounds like he's obsessed with "work"... what man would continue to "work" even if he wasn't getting paid? Listen to your intuition, as painful as it might sound, it's almost ALWAYS right. My husband, I found out, had been having an affair for several years, and even had other children with this other woman... so I'd listen to your gut... it seems odd that someone would be willing to work for "free"... Unless there's a ctach, IE, another woman, or "buddY'.... hope this doesn't sound horrible, but remember, a happy mother makes a happy baby... I'm a single mommy of three, and my kids are happy because I AM happy... My oldest has always told me, she'd rather I was alone and happy than stuck in a loveless marriage... She's only nine years old, but she knew as young as three years old, that daddy wasn't a good daddy, and made mommy incredibly sad. It' ssuch a tough situation, but make sure you get all the facts before you make a big decision okay? It could very well be nothing, for all we know... but at the same time, it does sound a little odd... Keep us informed! you're in my prayers honey! Stay strong.. you can do it!
S.

You could talk to him and ask him if he will agree to marriage counseling. If not, then you just start separating mentally in your mind, if you haven't already. If this is the way he's acting, it seems almost better that he's not around, that way your son doesn't have to watch what an unhealthy relationship looks like. If you really want to stay home with your son, just picture yourself as single now, you have separate lives anyhow. On the other hand, if you miss your career and you're lonely, going back to work part time or full time might not be a bad idea. Your son is at a great age to start thinking about preschool. He may need to be fully potty trained, if he isn't already first. If you found that letter, you know your husband is very resentful of HIS OWN decision to be married. Keep in mind if you were at work some of the day, you wouldn't notice how much he's gone. Perhaps when your son is older, he'll take him along to the racetracks and spend more time with him, but if he's not doing it at crucial moments (like when he's small) then the chances are, he's just going to be a flaky father. He might be a decent provider and allow you to stay home, but that is not the same thing as a husband. He's either avoiding his son to avoid being around you or he is just avoiding the entire situation all together. Maybe it will help your marriage if you go back to work so he doesn't feel such a "burden." It may be a mistake too, your husband might just have all the more freedom with less hassle. If there's some family you can go visit for awhile, leave. Give him a little wake up call and see what happens. I'm not talking about playing games, I'm talking about going where you can think clearly. If you think he's cheating on you-find out. You have the right to know. Look on his computer, his credit card slips, his phone. Especially if you're still having sex with him, I would want to know for sure so you don't get a disease. If he's not happy, you're not going to be happy. If it's worth salvaging, do everything you can before you leave. If you don't want to "leave" the house for awhile, then "leave" mentally a little bit. He feels like a trapped bird in a cage right now and all he can think about is his precious freedom. There's a great book to read (especially if you find he is cheating) called "Love Must Be Tough" by Dobson. It will show you how if you back off and open the "cage door" a little, they will instantly be in a position to think they have a "choice" to come back in the cage or not. They will feel like they can "breathe" a little more and plus, he'll be very curious as to why you're acting different. If you give him space and start asking, "How was your day" instead of "You %)($% for not being home with your son today when you could have," you'll notice he will be less on the defensive and if he doesn't have to come home to a confrontation, he'll actually start wanting to come home. Someone has to take the high road for awhile so you can meet in the middle someplace. The library probably has the book. It will make more sense when you read it. It seems like you're "caving in" to his way, but you're not. You're actually in more control then you think because you will turn the situation around very quickly. Plus, you'll feel like you have a plan. Sometimes having a plan makes it seem less hopeless. Hope this helps in some small way.