Husband - Brenham,TX

Ashely, I don't know if there are other things that you are not telling us, but this is what I would do. I would find someone to keep my kid/s and go out for an entire weekend just the two of you. Relax together and have a long conversation to see what is bugging him and why he thinks you guys need time. Marriage is hard, but if you love him and he loves you then you guys need to sit down and talk open hearted. I wish you the best of luck and hang in there.

I think, it will be for the best, if you all go see a marriage counselor.

My husband and I were in the same boat a couple of months ago. Honestly, we were distant for a couple of years.

Good Luck.

A., I am probably going to get hate mail about this (I have in the past) but this is important. Please don't read Created to Be His Helpmeet. That book grieves me to my core. My husband was so upset by it that he wanted to burn it. I was so damaged by it that I had to go to my pastor for help. Please, hear my heart in this. You are valued by God and the success or fail of your marriage is not on your head.

In the heart of your side of the story, I feel the issue is fear of abandonment. The advice that tells you to act a different way to hang on to your man is NOT going to help you.
Counseling is KEY. You absolutely need to go. Your love for each other is evident but someone to help you and your hubby learn to communicate is absolutely necessary. I wouldn't pick up a single self help book. Most of these people have ZERO credentials.
EDIT*** I do need to clarify that I meant that the AUTHORS of the books don't have credentials, not the people who suggest them. Dr. Laura has outdated (by decades) counseling certificate, and is trained is physiology, not psychology.
Debi Pearl has no credentials, except those given by her husband.

Learning to communicate is hard but it will change your marriage.
Hugs, my friend! Don't give up hope yet.

I think better communication may be the key. My husband gets this way when there is stress at work. (He is currently having to lay people off and he is running from meeting to meeting, and has no time to actually WORK). I know that this is hard for him, and it isn't always easy to keep it at work, but I have asked him to at least let me know that he is stressed about work, rather than think it is me. It is still hard when he takes it out on me, but knowing it isn't me, lets me walk away and give him his space. You need to let him know how his distance feels - how it is reminding you of past relationships right before they ended. He probably doesn't realize this. It may be nothing, it may be something, but you need to know, and the sooner, the better.

My husband and I have been married for going on 9 years and I went through a similar situation starting 2-3 years after getting married. It wasn't that bad early on because we didn't have kids, we both worked but I was a soccer coach/trainer so I was only gone a few hours a day, and had plenty of time together, but I felt I came in second or third when it came to the things he wanted or "had" to do. I tried to surprise him with intimacy when he came home, but always had to wait for him to do his business (waiting sometimes for more than an hour). After a while, I just stopped trying and that caused a bigger feeling of separation. I told him we needed to go on more dates, and, now with kids, a day or weekend away. He agreed but never made an effort. I had to set everything up which made me feel even further down his priority list. I would be shushed if I tried to talk to him and he was busy with something, he was constantly on the phone with family and friends but hardly had anything to say to me of significance, I did everything in caring for our kids and he was more like a babysitter if I had to go somewhere, he used to work 12 hour days and then go out to play soccer 1-2 times a week so he would be gone from 8am to sometimes midnight, and he was taking a masters program so class and homework took up whatever time he had at home.

Two years ago, I finally told him we needed to see a marriage counselor. We saw a counselor once a week for a couple months and it seemed to help him realize that he wasn't spending as much time with me as he thought, but his improvement was just doing the bare minimum. I would never leave him and he knows that, but things didn't drastically change until I forced him to image the scenario of us not being in his life, if we had never gotten married and had kids, and asked him (didn't threaten) if I should take the kids and stay at my parents for an extended time for him to really feel what it would be like. Happily, it didn't have to go that far.

Sometimes both of you need a short time apart (no more than a week) to put your marriage in perspective. I don't think you have to go as far as I did since your marriage is still relatively young, but the things that the counselor and our priest said in common were that all men's brains are wired the same and they respond to the tangible, hard facts, and numbers. The counselor made him write out his activities for each day for an entire week and put down how much time he spends on each. After doing that, my husband realized that he was only giving me 10-20 minutes of dedicated time and attention and about an hour with the kids a week. The biggest thing the counselor and priest agreed on was that we needed to take care of this issue 5 or so years ago, this is a common occurrence among couples (my sister-in-law went through it with her husband), and going to see a counselor shouldn't be looked upon as your marriage failing (many couples go yearly as a "couples health check-up")...you go to the doctor for a yearly check-up even though you're healthy, why not do the same for your marriage?

I felt that with my husband a few years ago. I read all the books I can and did whatever it took to help my marriage. The two books that helped me tons was Created to be His Help Meet by Debi Pearl (NoGreaterJoy.org) and The Total Woman by Maribel Morgan. It took a lot of work and time but slowly things started to change and now we have an awesome marriage and he is very attentive to me. Don't get tired of trying. Don't give up! There were times where I'd fail miserably and I'd think I was getting no where at all. But I'd just keep trying and it still worked inspite of me and my hubby... =) All because I never gave up. With me I had to change my attitude and really be loving and patient toward him. It was hard because I thought he was treating me unfairly and overly grumpy. I tried to look past that and seek what was really going on. It was hard at first but I never gave up. I read those books over and over and kept trying and believing and before I knew it... our marriage had turned around completely! Good luck to you!

I agree with A.. Spend some time talking to him. Find out what's bothering him. I'd also suggest acting like his girlfriend again. Flirting and being silly. All that jazz. Revamp your love life. I pray everything goes well for you both. Good luck!

A.,
Please try not to worry about your husband leaving you. It will distress you and make things worse. Your past experience with men leaves that thought looming in the back of your mind. Men will sense the insecurity and try to flee from it - that may be why he is saying that you might need a little time away from each other. From your post, it sounds like he is devoted to you and your children (he's there for your daughters, and he calls to check up on them). It does sound like he may be a bit depressed or disillusioned by life (men can get that way sometimes, as can women). The flopping on the couch and watching TV is a sign that that could be going on and you can't afford to ignore that if you want your marriage to stay fresh and for you two to be closer.

I have been through periods like this with my husband and I finally figured out how to bring us closer, because hardly anything was more devastating to me than that "distant" feeling. Whenever I feel that distance between us, it becomes a signal that I need to make an extra effort to make him feel like #1. I can tell from your post that you are a great wife and mother, and you mention that you try to be the perfect wife. Trust me when I tell you that no man (unless he's an obsessive compulsive who needs some med) really wants a perfect wife. What he does want is a woman who is there for him, but even more than that, he wants a woman who makes him feel like he is in your thoughts and that HE IS A PRIORITY to you.

You spend time with your sister - maybe in his mind he thinks that she is a higher priority to you than he is. As important as your kids are, and they should be a priority, it sounds like it is time to let him know that he is #1. Then when you devote yourself to your children, other family members and friends he won't feel as threatened. Men sometimes have surprisingly fragile egos, and can be moody, just like us. It manifests itself differently sometimes in them, though.

I have found that the BEST way (for me anyway) to turn my husband around and remove that distance is to show him how special he is to me. You could try cooking a romantic meal for him after the kids have had their meal, at around 8:00. During this very special (not run of the mill meal - something he LOVES) it is time to open the line of communication. Ask him if he would like to talk about how you and he can have more fun. Just about every man LOVES to talk about the three letter word - SEX! Maybe he would like to talk about sharing sexual fantasies or discussing more creative ways that you two can be intimate. I was amazed when I discovered some of the thoughts and fantasies my husband had concerning us, but was too afraid to share with me for fear that I would label him a pervert. Unless his fantasy is a pedophile or violent one, there really is no fantasy that is off-limits, as long as you are discussing it, and not actually doing it. And if you are open to acting out some of the fantasies, as long as you are both in agreement and love and respect each other, you will grow closer and close that distance.

Maybe that won't be the case with you and your husband, but it worked for us, and I have since found from talking with others who have tried it that it is working for them. Men have all kinds of thoughts in their heads that they would like to share but are afraid to. Be careful if he does start opening up to you that you don't accidentally criticize his fantasies. If he does ask you to do something that you wouldn't consider (for example, having a threesome or going to a nudist resort), set your boundaries right away, but thank him for sharing his fantasy. Try to act out some of the fantasies at home with just the two of you. There is hardly anything men love better than for the woman they love to be creative sexually. It can take a lot of time and energy and be emotionally draining sometimes (for me anyway), but it really has paid off. When my husband tells me that he is so in love with me he can't stand it, and that other women couldn't hold a candle to me (even beautiful, perfectly shaped ones) I know I'm doing something right! And ever since we opened the line of sexual communication, with me setting firm boundaries on what is acceptable and what isn't, he is so much more respectful towards me. He comes to me first with important questions and concerns, instead of his friends and family. That is the biggest compliment he could pay to me and our marriage.

Sex is one of the few ways that men are able to readily express their love for us. I read once that it is hard for men to really open up their hearts and love us without the sex, and it is really hard for women to open up sexually without love. So help him along in the sex department (if you aren't doing so already) and see what happens - I would be greatly surprised if he doesn't start becoming more loving and closer to you.

And don't forget to pray, if you are a praying person. God will bless your marriage and remove any obstacles that might threaten it. Another interesting thing happened concerning my husband and church - as we became more open and communicative sexually, he actually started to enjoy going to church with me. He used to hate it and complain and do it only out of duty. I made a joke with him that we ended up taking seriously in a good way. I said, "How about I be the leader of our sex life and you be the leader spiritually?" He said, "Okay!" I asked if he was joking and he said no. Women have always been the one in charge sexually anyway. We are the ones to say no and set limits. By me being the one more in charge of setting the tone and taking more initiative, miraculously it has opened him up spiritually. I found him reading my Bible and reading some of the church publications soon after! He woke me up one Sunday so I wouldn't miss church! That is why I think praying over your marriage is important, as well.

And by the way, our marriage isn't perfect. We have been known to get into some nasty arguments, occasionally in front of the kids, which is a no-no, but we always make up in front of them too and hold ourselves accountable. No matter how great our marriage is, a month or two later, we will find ourselves in the doldrums - it happens so quickly because life gets so busy and sucks so much out of us. When he starts acting bored and distant, I know that is my call to action. When I do my part, he always will end up reciprocating in the end.

Sorry for going on so long - I just wanted to share what worked for us. I wish you much love and blessings in your marriage! Please keep us posted!

m

I think every relationship goes through ebbs and flows. And as a new mom, your hormones are all over the place. The relationship shifts when you're new parents, and everyone is exhausted, overloaded, etc. If you can get counseling for yourself, do it, cause it sounds like you have some issues that need help.

He is right that you need alone time - you all do, actually. He needs guy time, you need girl time, and you need "us" time with him. What happends that every time you try that, it's "ruined"? If it's cause you're bringing up your fears, you need to stop that because that's pushing at him. If it's cause there's a sitter problem or something - that's life ;)

You might want to hit your library for the book series "men are from mars, women are from venus" - we think differently, and the books might help you understand how each of you work so you don't mistake "maleness" for "distance". Take care!

Ok, I have been there and done that. I have the tshirt and won the trophy in this event.

My husband and i have been married for 15 years in may. and we have been through hell and back together.

This distance you are talking about, the good news is that it can be fixed, the bad news is that it will happen again and again. Sometimes it will be you and sometimes it will be him. We got married young too and I refuse to be a statistic too. That is what caught me about reading your story. I was 19 he was 26. We knew each other for 3 days and then went to the justice of the peace. Anyway back to your story.
If you want to fix this. I think your stiuation calls for a shock and awe.
You can adjust this to fit your situation. Whether he is coming home or coming down from putting kids to bed. Put on the sexiest lingere that you have, have a bottle of wine and 2 glasses. Then just sit there and sip the wine while you chat (nothing deeper than your daily activities) and HAVE SEX. I mean good, want some more sex. If you have to do it on the couch in front of his video game then do it. Protect your feelings by having no expectations. Just go for it. See what happens. Sex is a powerful thing. It can turn a video game into a VIDEO GAME!

I am so glad to hear things are better after your talk. Communication is the big thing! We hear it all the time, it's easy to say---tough to do.

You are wonderful for wanting to help your sister. Unless she can't do things without you, I would put some of that time & energy into your family. I am the same way---it's easier to help others sometimes than deal with your own life.

A pastor told us once in church, if you feel like you are in the bottom of a 6 foot hole by yourself, who can you help? (no one.)

Spending time together is great, communication is too! So is going to church together. Our church offers a 6 week "marriage enrichment" Sunday school class---many do. It was enjoyable & VERY helpful to talk about some things with other Christian couples and the pastor.
God Bless.

Get the book, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger! She has something like 30 years of experience helping people and she knows how men and women think differently. You just have to be the "girlfriend" that he couldn't wait to be with, that he will want to come home to. Men are simple creatures with 3 basic needs. When you start meeting those needs instead of expecting him to take care of yours, it is amazing how he will want to start taking care of your needs. Get the book or listen to it on tape. It is not that difficult if you trust her years of experience.

Try "Love and Respect" by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs.

I agree with a lot of the responses already. My only advice is (1) Pray, (2) Turn off the TV, Video Games, Computer, etc. and (3) Do something together every night (like the Scrabble game). If it helps, pick out a video game you two can play together. We like to play golf...I can't stand the game in real life - but I kick butt on the computer. LOL!
Good luck - sounds like things are already looking up for you...

So glad to hear things are getting better.

I've heard amazing things about this class you can take... http://www.familydynamics.net/dynamicmarriage.php

Everyone raves about it and I think they claim they can save 4 out of 5 troubled marriages. My husband and I aren't exactly troubled, but we definitely plan to take it soon to strengthen our marriage. We are not perfect and definitely have moments of feeling distant as life and kids can sometimes get in the way. Good luck!

Ashely, marriage is not an easy thing. My husband and I have been married for almost 10 yrs. It is extremely important to have a night for just the T. of you. We married couples need to reconnect often. We get caught up with daily activities that we loose track of what is really important. You will have more situations like the one you described but don't give up. Man do forget to have "me" time with them so it's okay to remind them. Put those kids to bed early so you and your husband can have good quality time.

The best of luck,
Elisa M