Am I a Horrible Wife ( Marital Issue)?

I would never tell my husband I thought he was less than perfect... why would you want to ruin him? You have needs that you need to tell him about. Just talk to him.

Fantasies are normal, as is feeling attracted to other people. It's what you DO, not what you think or imagine, that counts.

I once told my husband I felt like I needed a boyfriend and that I hoped it would be him. (I also told him I was way too flattered by a compliment that I received from some guy at the library:) Luckily, he took me seriously and my marriage has never been better.

I do not think anything good can come out of telling him your fantasies of other men. So keep that to yourself.

Why would you tell him? If he was thinking about other women but had no intention of straying, wouldn't you feel hurt by his admission? Wouldn't it get you wondering about what he does when he's not with you?

I think it's okay to _think_ about other people. Someone said to me once "I'm married, not buried." It's tempting to think about someone new, something different. But I do think that you can channel that back into your marriage.

If you think you're in a rut, he probably does too. Try something different. Go out and get dressed up like it's a first date. Rent a hotel room and only stay for 2 hours. Kiss him like you did before you had kids. I think you can get that feeling back, but keeping it does take work. But if you frame it in the "I'm bored with you" way, that is not going to work out. If you frame it in the "I would love to have hot, passionate, no-holds-barred-sex" kind of way, I think you'll find your husband much more willing.

Good luck.

You don't have to tell him you fantasize about 'straying.'

You can just, say you feel like 'you' are in a rut.
And talk about it.
Don't say "you...." have a problem....as in blaming 'him.'
Say it is your own feelings... and you just want to talk with him about it.

Everyone gets in a rut. Married or single.
But you owe it to your relationship.. to talk about it.
And seeing where it is 'you' that is having issues, or him too, and ideally, hopefully, it is a 'team' effort... to get over this hump.
Marriage.

Maybe you are just bored with your life/yourself.
So, you need to 'discern'... whether it is your issues... or in tandem with him and your feeling in a rut.

Do NOT tell him, you feel like 'straying.'
That is not the point here.

You aren't horrible. You asked for an opinion and so I'm giving mine, but this is me and how I feel. I'm no expert on the subject.

Don't stray, and don't tell your husband about your fantasies of other men. Fantasies are just that...... fantasies. All marriages go through a rut, but if it is a good marriage I hope you won't blow it by compromising the trust you have with your husband by seeking attention outside the marriage. Imagine if it were reversed and your husband betrayed you. I can't really think of anyone I know that strayed that didn't regret it. If you are unhappy in your marriage then address the issue. If you have to be with someone else then leave the marriage.

Want some excitement? That's legitimate. So, How about spicing up the marriage a bit! Make your husband the man in your fantasies and tell him about that. What's wrong with playing out a little fantasy? Get a babysitter and go have some fun. Leave town or get a hotel room in town. Share your fantasies and make it a fun game. Re-kindle and remember how to enjoy each other again......... marriage and children can steal some of that excitement, it's true, but you have some control. Go have some fun...... with the man you married.

Keep your fantasies to yourself.

Are any of these feeling and/or fantasies ones that could be done with your husband? Why not try telling him what you would like, what's wrong, how your feeling, etc. I wouldn't probably tell him you're thinking about going outside the marriage, but focus on what your feeling and what's lacking. Good luck, I think it's very normal to feel like you're in a rut and it's important to let the other spouse know so that you can both work together to figure out what's needed.

You don't need to tell him that you are thinking of straying but you can say that you feel as if you have gotten into a rut and would like to try spicing things up a bit. I do think you should talk to him. Every marriage needs some fine-tuning from time to time and communication is the key. Just choose your words carefully.

Let's be constructive about this: you are looking for some change and excitement. What you want is something that makes your life better, not something that tears your family apart.

If it were me, I'd NEVER tell my husband about these feelings. This doesn't mean he's not your everything, or your best friend. But put the shoe on the other foot-- if he came to you and said "I've been feeling pretty unsatified with the status quo lately, and maybe have become a bit bored in our relationship and sometimes I think about hooking up with another woman..." In my opinion, it's a cruel thing to do. Would you feel respected, or devastated? Certainly, it will shake things up, but not in any way that won't negatively impact your family.

Consider finding some new interests-- either together,or alone. If it's difficult for you to even think about where to start, talk to a life coach or counselor, or even think about visiting your local community college and sign up for some class counseling, so as to find something that would suit your personality and goals.

In my life, (in both this marriage, and my last) these sorts of thoughts would present themselves from time to time. I did not act on them, and they didn't last forever. Sometimes, too, in relationships, we have less to give each other, and then the fantasy of another lover/partner is more appealing. I've found that the less energy I gave to pretending/fantasy, and the more attention I gave to finding ways of making MY Real Life more interesting, things improved. This means accepting these feelings, asking (God, deity of your choice, the universe) for the disruptive feelings to be relieved, and then doing things that I felt would make my marriage more interesting. This could mean being proactive in scheduling babysitters and making a date with my husband to go out, for dinner or a movie, just to have time to relax and talk with each other. I like to find dvds that he likes, or focus on things I really enjoy: preparing a lovely meal, exploring a new place I've been curious about (I love gardens), reconnecting with old friends, setting other positive goals for myself-- all of these things bring the onus of 'feeding my soul' back to me, and help keep me grounded during these times.

And let your guy know how much you appreciate what he *does* do that makes you feel good, or helps you out. Guys respond very positively to this, and focusing on what he does do well will redirect your thoughts from the more mundane complaints we all have about our spouses.

I think, too, if you are feeling compelled to tell him about these feelings, consider *if* you are trying to sabotage your relationship. If you think so, go talk to someone else (a counselor) before talking to him. You might find there's something else going on, and getting unconditional support will help.

Been there!
H.

No, you are not a horrible wife. You said it yourself, you're in a rut. Try something new and different - go out for a romantic dinner, buy some sexy lingerie, do some role playing, buy a toy, learn some new massage techniques.

Yes, you should talk with hubby, but not about your fantasies. You should talk to him about your need for some excitement.

I agree with Amber. You can totally spice up your marriage. Use your fantasies on your hubby. Sometimes it just takes one person in a marriage to make the first move to add excitement in a marriage. Be creative and fun! That will thrill your husband and I bet he'd bend over backwards to make you happy! Good luck!! =)

I think you need to spice up your intimate life. You said your in a rut--- how about asking your hubby to court you again- take you out to dinner, give you love letters, call him and send him sexy text messages and I love yous around the house, make dinner for the two of you- etc. Put some effort into finding out what really makes him tick and going for it- get some new lingerie and adult products-have fun with it. I think you are thinking these thoughts because you are bored. You have a good man, spice things up with him!

GL

M

You're married, not dead. I think that you need to talk to him on some level. What are you missing? I think it's important to take time for each other. Maybe what you need is just a date night or a new hobby with him. Or do you feel stuck and need to get out with the girls for a night?

I think where these thoughts get people into trouble is if they act externally on them vs working on them within the relationship.

There is no shame in counseling if the two of you can't get past your issues on your own.

I dont know that sharing this with him is fair, unless you are planning on actually doing this.

I think that in all long terms in relationships, there are times when you are totally hot for each other and times when you're like, "Eh, not tonight dear," before you turn over and fall off to sleep. It's really hard to keep erotic and emotional fire going all the time, especially when you have children, a career, a mortgage . . .

I truly do believe that there are 1001 ways in which you can ruin a relationship. Telling your partner that you have the desire to cheat on him is probably 199 on that list. Think about it, how would you feel if your husband were to tell you that very same thing "out of respect" for you? You'd probably feel crappy. Like maybe you can't or shouldn't trust this person anymore. That maybe this is the prelude to the end of the relationship as you knew it.

So please don't tell your husband. Instead, do something more productive. Tell him that you feel as if the two of you have fallen into a rut. Be proactive and plan some fun stuff for the two of you to do or maybe try something more adventurous in the bedroom.

I think what you are feeling is understandable and normal for someone who has been in a long standing relationship and may need a little bit more sizzle in their life. I will not fault you for wanting that. The only thing is, it would be nice if you were to focus on what you can do to get your needs met within your marriage without saying something that can potentially destroy it.

I'm sure that if you put your mind to it, you'll figure out a way to make things hot and steamy in your relationship once again. Wishing you all the best.

I wouldn't mention the urge/fantasy to stray to him, I'd mention the feeling of the rut. Change may help that. New scenery, or perhaps re-visiting what brought you two together.

This MAY be a red flag, but I can't relate... I've been with my husband for 10 years, and I still feel the newly-wed excitement for him...

Act on your fantasies...with your husband! Buy something completely useless and sexy, rent a hotel room for an hour, pick him up in the middle of the day...send unexpected love notes or sexy texts, tell him a fantasy you have that you've not shared, ask him to tell one of his. Meet him at the door with a drink in hand wearing high heels and little else. Do everything you would do with a new lover, and see what happens...

Rent the movie "Fireproof." I loved it. It's about a couple who is in a rut in their marriage and how they end up getting out of it. Watch it alone or with your hubby, but either way it will totally change the way you look at your marriage. I know it did for me.

Is counseling out of the question? No you are not a horrible wife-marriages have their ups and downs. What starts out exciting in an affair is often no comparison for the love and security of marriage. I'm sure it would hurt more if you strayed than if you sat down and had a talk with your husband. An affair does irreparable damage-so that's not an option. Just confront the problem and make a time to discuss what you feel-and if you can't resolve things-then you could move on. A man that would be hurt by hearing what you are feeling is probably someone who would want to work things out. Good luck.

I don't have those kind of fantasies and we've been married 8 years, it does not sound normal to me, but I am also not one to talk about how hot celebrity's or other men are. I don't think you arr horrible, but I think you need to make some changes. I would say you all need to work on your communication and commitment and start dating each other again. Obviously, marriages get stale at times, but that is why its so important to keep your heart and thoughts pure for each other only. Truly, it can be really fun to reconnect with your spouse!

I love this short video on how to love your spouse... also, I read Dr. Phil's Relationship Rescue with my husband and it helped us through a rough patch.

http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?autoplay=true&index...

Haven't read all the responses but I think a few people have said some common things - yes, you're in a rut. There are lots of ways to get out of one. Sit down and have a talk with your husband. Is he reasonable? My guess is that if you're not happy, neither is he. He's probably feeling the same way you are and he has no idea what to do.

Try to come up with some ideas together. Maybe you need some "couple" time. Do whatever you have to do to get it. Can someone watch the kids for even a few hours? Take a walk, cook a meal together, do something neither of you have ever done before. Whatever you do, DON'T tell him what you've been thinking about - it won't help your situation.

Good luck.

Just thoughts? Or thoughts about a specific real human? If you're just daydreaming about how nice it would be to have vague romantic episodes with fictional distant Flavio's that's one thing. But if you have a crush on someone real, or think you really want to connect with people you see out and about, you should assess your relationship, and decide whether to improve it-yes you-or leave it.

Don't sneak off if your spouse doesn't magically kick things into high gear for you. (I know you havent' snuck off -good work!) He may be comfortable and secure, or equally bored and unhappy. Do unto others!!!!

Also, is your spouse annoying you (could be legitimate like being a quarrelsome, pain in the neck jerk) so you are less attracted to him, or is he the same as always, and you're just wanting other things form other people. This matters how you handle it too when you address him. Are there things you need him to change so you don't keep disliking him, or are there things you want to do that you need to tell him about?

There is no reason to tell him anything that would hurt him- like things you feel are less than sexy about him-or that you like other people or something, just tell him you are feeling like you guys are in a rut, and you want "things" (be specific) to improve. Brainstorm together.

You can talk to him about your boredom and the fact that you would like to bring some excitement back into your marriage. Everyone has the occasional fantasy with someone else in it. It doesn't make you a bad wife. Now if you were to actually follow through with the fantasy with the other person without permission from your husband, then it would be bad. Anyway, I would discuss and brainstorm with him ways to bring excitement back into your marriage. Who knows he may have some really good ideas and he may have been feeling the same way. My husband and I are always talking about what we can do to spice up our marriage. It is harder when you have no close babysitters or any family close by to watch the kids for a weekend. Anyhow, we seem to get some time after the kids go to bed now and then to spend time together as a couple.

D. P.

Counsoling for sure for YOU. ..........and assigned dates weekly . Get back in the groove of dating and friendship...... see what happens.

It is totally normal to have fantasies so I wouldn't worry unless you are really stuck on one fantasy or person. Whether you want to talk to your husband depends on how comfortable you feel. It isn't necessarily an easy thing to talk about. But you never know, it may help you set the mood. I lean toward being honest and I would tell my husband because that is the kind of relationship we have. But I took courses in Marriage Counseling and Human Sexuality when we were dating so we are very open and comfortable talking. If you don't want to tell him every detail of your fantasies, it makes sense to talk about getting out of a rut and putting some extra energy into the bedroom.

Someone suggested watching the Fireproof movie. I totally agree, My husband and I watched that movie and it was PHENOMINAL!! The acting isnt' the best, but the message is wonderful. I would actually recommend watching it WITHOUT him and then buying the Love Dare book and doing the activities in it without him knowing what you're up to. It's life changing for your marriage. It's worth a try for sure. Prayers going your way!

If you are feeling you are in a rut, that is what you should say. Ask him what his fantasies are and then share yours. Act them out WITH EACH OTHER. Re-kindle it - you CAN do it!