Hi moms, I hope everyone had a good mothers day. My 5 year old daughter made mothers day very special for me. She had a project hidden in her room that she had been working on every time I left the house. I was very surprised and it really touched my heart! My question has to do with my husband today. We have been together almost 7 years and he refuses to tell me happy mothers day, or even get at least a card for me. I was wondering if there are any other mothers out there that this happens to. It hurts my feelings so bad because he never has done anything special for me on any others day. I tried to talk to him and ask why he feels like he can't make the day special for me, he responds with "your not my mom!". I told him your right I am not your mom but I did carry around your only child for nearly 10 months (my daughter was a little late) don't I deserve a little thanks. He then told me well I am sure that she (our daughter) appreciates you carrying her around 10 months. I wanted to scream at him!!!! I held in my tears all day and waited for him to go to work to cry. I feel like by him not showing me any appreciation that he must feel like I am not a good mom. I was so frustrated today that every time someone called me to wish me a happy mothers day I would say to him, oh, that was so and so and they called to say happy mothers day...even though I am not their mom! Am I just being too sensitive or should I be feeling upset like this? Please help me, I feel like I am loosing my mind today. And in case anyone is wondering, he doesn't even get along with his mom, he did however call her and tell her happy mothers day today. How should I respond to him? =(
Thank you all for all of your wonderful advice. To answer your question about if he is always like this...the answer is no, he always done something sweet for birthdays, valentines day, and anniversary's, just not mothers day. I decided to tell him how hurt I was this morning and to my surprise he was very apologetic. He told me that he has always been told growing up by his mother that it was her day because she was his mom. He also said that he just thought I was being a smart *** and didn't know that I really wanted him to do something special, he promises me that he will make it up to me soon. I guess it is true what they say about men, they really have no clue unless you tell them straight out. Thank you ladies so much, I feel a lot better.
I'm guessing the reason he was so cold to you about it is that when you asked him about it you sounded like you were reproaching him, and guys really do not like to be reproached. Just let him know very sweetly that it really means a lot to you and that next mother's day you would really love it if he would do something special for you.
Then give him sex or something. (jk, jk)
You have a choice to focus on your feelings of hurt about your husband's insensitivity, or your feelings of joy at your daughter's gift to you and her gratitude. When you find yourself thinking about your husband's behavior, stop yourself and think about your daughter's gift to you. You can only think one thought at a time, so put your focus on the positive. Being in a state of gratitude will lift you out of any negativity and hurt. You are very fortunate to have such a wonderful daughter, and she deserves to see how happy you are with her gift--not how unhappy you are with what you were missing from your husband yesterday.
And I would let it go re: your husband...your complaints to him probably make him more resistive to giving you what you want. When Father's Day comes around, help your daughter with his gift (if she wants you to), and then treat him as you want him to treat you on Mother's Day. If you can do this with gratitude and sincerity, it will show him what he can do for you. Men, and many others, sometimes need to be shown and not just told what you want.
Good luck.
I think this is so hard, because my husband didn't buy me anything either-but he did get me a card. No matter what, we are the mother of their children and they should acknowledge us with at least a card and a Happy Mother's Day wish. I think you husband is selfish for not acknowledging the 24 hour 7 day a week job you have has a mother. Hats off to you and a belated Mother's Day.
I don't blame you, my feelings would be pretty hurt too. Men just sometimes don't think like we do and unfortunately, we occassionally have to spell things out for them, in the nicest possible way so their egos don't get damaged. If he really doesn't know what to do for you on mother's day or feels uncomfortable doing anything (I know, silly, but possibly true), then passive aggressive comments about other people honoring you or being pregnant for 10 months isn't going to get you the end result you really want.
I'm going to suggest a different route here...maybe make sure his Father's Day is special...simple, but special. Get him a card, have your daughter do a homemade project and card. Maybe the two of you could come up with a list of what makes him a great dad. Plan a day that he would enjoy...maybe make breakfast in bed or a favorite dinner meal. I wouldn't get an elaborate gift or plan an expensive, busy day.
Then maybe a few days after Father's Day you can ask him if he enjoyed his day and take the opportunity to say how you don't need anything huge, but something similar would really be special for you too. Sometimes men need you to specifically say, I'd really like to go do X for Mother's Day and then I'd really enjoy a meal at our favorite restaurant, in order for them to actually do it. I'd stay away from "you did this and you did that" kind of talk and focus on how it would really make you feel special to have a nice Mother's Day and how wonderful it would be if the three of you could come up with some nice things to do on both Father and Mother's Day that could be a family tradition. Not only should you honor each other for all the hard work that goes into having a happy family, but you both want to set a good example for how to treat each other...I mean, you wouldn't want your daughter to grow up thinking that she won't deserve to have a special day when she someday becomes a mother, right?
If taking an open, honest, nonconfrontational approach doesn't work, then you may consider a counselor. I suspect that treating you this way doesn't just happen on Mother's Day. And I could be wrong, but it would be very strange for him to be an excellent loving husband 364 days a year and then on Mother's Day he decides to be unappreciative.
Good luck.
Hi D.
I agree that you should do the same to him fathers day, if your daughter remembers good but otherwise do nothing. Some men really dont get it. I am lucky mine does think of wonderful things to do for me.
blessings
C.
I'm sorry he is so insensitive. He doesn't get the fact that Mothers day is to celebrate all the mothers in your life - whether they gave birth to you or not. Did he ever tell his grandmother happy mothers day? She wasn't his mother. At any rate, I agree - ignore fathers day for him. Be aware of whether other holidays or important landmarks (like anniversaries or birthdays) starting to be "forgotten" or become "unecessary" etc. If this starts to happen there may be a bigger problem and you may need to look further into it and possibly receive counseling.
What a jerk! (and that's cleaning up what I really wanna call him because of the type of website) But I would be really upset with him too. I'd would ignore him for father's day as well... I mean he is not YOUR father, right? But for me I'd take it a step further and not have any more children with him. He doesn't appreciate what we have to go through to bring these children in to the world.
D.,
I would stop doing anything for him on fathers day. "he's not your dad". Not to get even, but more to make a point.
Help your daughter come up with something for him she can make on her own, but do absolutely nothing else. My husband used to think that mothers day was for his mom, and I was supposed to take care of that for him. I stopped doing that about 6 years ago when my mom died. I keep reminding him now that it is coming, because his mom lives out of state. And I can't bring myself to look at cards for mothers day anymore. Did he ever do anything for his mom when he was growing up? As a friend was told by his father, "mothers day is also for the mother of your children, not just your mother". but like I said, don't do anything for him, and see how he likes it.
W.
Well, do you do anything for him on Father's Day? If you do and he doesn't appreciate it, then I would stop doing anything for him and if he says anything say, "You're not my dad!" Men are so pigheaded sometimes, aren't they. Well, I don't know how to change him, but it seems like he could have at least said "Happy Mother's Day" to you. I don't think he thinks you are not a good mom, I just think he doesn't know how important it is to you. Some men don't understand feelings and such and women do. I know, I got tons of Happy Mother's Day wishes from my friends, relatives etc ( I am a frist time mommy, so this is my first official Mother's Day) and it made me happy, but did my bf say anything? Nope, because he probably didn't even know it was Mother's Day.
D.,
I am sorry that your husband treated you this way. You aren't being too sensitive-- I would feel hurt and unappreciated too. All you can do is choose how you want to react to his behavior. You can't change him- but you can express your feelings and let him sit with the reality that he messed up and really hurt you. Be truthful, use "I" statements and tell him what it meant to you. Just know that he may not react in the best way- so just be prepared. Good luck to you~
Molly
Hi D.,
Happy Mother's Day. It appears that your husband has "mother issues" that have nothing to do with you. He has some unfinished issues that he needs to discuss with this own mother. Unfortunately, he doesn't realize how bad he makes you feel by not acknowleding you on Mother's Day. I really don't think that there is anything that you can do. Nagging will certainly not work. Maybe talking with a marriage councelor will get him to understand how this issue affects you. Be thankful that your daughter really loves you and appreciates you on that day. I really don't think there's an easy way to resolve this issue.
Pat B
Sorry, but you married a jerk. Well, at least in this area.
Does he do anything for you on your birthday or anniversary? Maybe he just isn't a holiday type of guy?
No matter what he should care enough about you to do something for you, whether he likes it or not. I would not retaliate on Father's Day, that will just bring strife into your marriage. Go all out for him like you would want him to do for you, and don't bring up Mother's Day to him ever again! He obviously has a problem with it and you nagging him won't bring any unity or harmony into your marriage at all.
Maybe he'll change over the years and decide he wants to show you appreciation for being a mom to his daughter, maybe not. Either way don't let this turn into a point of contention and bitterness in your marriage.
Gosh, I hope you don't go all out on Father's day for him!
Hello D.,
I can relate to your situation. I don't get along with my mother either, so I didnt' call to wish her anything. She doesn't want to be apart of my life. I know how difficult it is not to hear it from your spouse. My ex never told me happy anything, so it didn't bother me much. Not even my boys told me, only my oldest.
I went to church and we all told each other Happy Mother's Day, even women were telling the men, which was funny. My mom left on Mother's day in 84,and I found her in 2005. I haven't talked to her til this Jan 08. I can relate to your spouse's bitterness towards his mom, but that doesn't mean he can't be nice to you. Don't fuss over it, you know in his heart he means well. Not alot of people can express themselves.
