We have multiple family members who have died of smoking-related illness. Largely because of that, I am working hard to teach my kids that smoking is gross, it makes you sick, it is NOT cool, etc. I really don't think that this message can be overstated, especially with a family history of cancer. BUT...we were coming out of an ice cream place the other day and there were two people standing outside of a nearby business smoking. My 5 year old started asking questions in a very loud voice "Why are they SMOKING Mommy? Don't they know that is GROSS? Tell them not to do that because they could die!" While a large part of me is glad that my kiddo has this view of smoking, I certainly don't want him to think he should be throwing proverbial red paint on smokers. Any thoughts on how to balance basic courtesy with his public health PSAs? I just told him that we would talk about it later, and when we got to the car I said that some people make bad choices, so when we see someone smoking it's OK to feel bad that they made that choice, but it's not nice to talk about it. I think that works for a five year old, but at some point I would want him to speak up- like five-ten years from now when his friends are considering smoking. I would especially love to hear from moms of older kids who have dealt with this kind of thing! Thank you!!
What about the "addiction is a sickness" line? You can say something like:
"Smoking a cigarette gives you a sickness that makes you want more and more cigarettes, even though they're gross and make you very sick. That's why it's important to never even try one. But when people have that sickness, it makes them sad, so that's why we try not to mention it in front of them."
I tell my kids that they are free to ask questions about what they see to me, but only in private. That way they know we can discuss things, but to be respectful of others at the same time. I also say what you do, that not everyone makes the best decisions all the time, but that doesn't automatically make them a bad person.
The way you create judgmental kids is by talking trash about others in front of them. So just be sure you don't do that. You can say that smoking is gross, without speaking ill of others.
If you model kindness and acceptance, and don't gossip in front of your kids, your kids will turn out fine. You are still allowed to tell them that smoking is gross, because it is. It is possible to relay your values to your children without disparaging others.
You handled it very well, I think your kids will turn out fine.
I am a smoker, and have had kids say that. It doesn't bother 'me' because the child isn't telling a lie. It is gross, and it is nasty and it is unhealthy. If directly asked by a kid, which doesn't happen a lot cause I try to stand as far away as possible I just answer honestly.
Your little guy is still at that age where things just come flying out. In time he will learn to be a little more slick in his questions. I always answer honestly, but also tell them that there question should have waited until it was just us.
As for judging. I think we all judge to some degree, what I like to tell my kids is that "we" don't do something, or that "I" feel this way, but that it doesn't mean other people are bad or wrong. They just have a different way of seeing things.
As long as you are disapproving of the behavior and not the person you are not being judgemental. Saying someone is making a bad choice is a perfect way to do this. It's just like when one of your kids does something wrong you don't say YOU are bad, you say THAT was a bad choice. Just keep doing that and your kids will get it. This is how family values are learned and passed on. Your kids may not always make good choices, but they will have a clear idea of your values and expectations.
My son is 6 and hates the smell of cigarette smoke and reacts pretty much the same way yours does. It's pretty hilarious how he reacts when walking when smoke drifts from someone in our direction. I tell him that cigarettes are dangerous for your body and will make it sick. I also tell him that a lot of people start to smoke when they are young and don't know how bad they are, and that they have a lot of chemicals in them that make it hard to quit.
He's right - they could die. My 88 year old dad quit smoking when he was in his 50's but he got emphesema anyway. My granfather (mom's side) died of a stroke when I was in college. I HATE it.
You teach him the FACTS, and teach him to make good choices. Some people like to smoke, but many (at least that I know) have a hard time quitting so they don't smoke much but they don't quit either.
Irresponsible smokers piss me off though - the ones that flick their cigarettes carelessly (saw a police cruiser stop to put out what would have been a grass fire by the road just yesterday - from a cigarette flicked out the car window), don't watch where their hands are going in a crowd, etc. If you're going to disrespect others, then you bring judgement on yourself. That's different from a casual, considerate smoker.
I take the philosophy that judging the behavior is appropriate, judging the person is wrong, as one bad behavior in and of itself does not make a bad person. Loudly proclaiming rude judgmental comments is not ok.
As far as smoking goes, have you explained the fact that it's an addiction? The first time you smoke, it's a choice. After that, it's an addiction, not just a bad habit. THAT is what you teach them when they get older. My husband and I both smoke. NONE of our kids has any inclination to do so because we have taught them how hard it is to stop once they start.
It's just an awkward phase until they're old enough. It happens with so many things. My kids aren't allowed to drink super neon-colored toxic drinks, or mega sugar drinks-except for RARE circumstances in small quantities(birthdays parties), but all their friends are passing around Gatorade and Mountain Dew and Coolatas all the time and hitting the vending machine at the Tae Kwon Do studio. I don't want my kids to seem snooty or say anything rude to them even thought they've heard all the reasons why they aren't allowed to drink those....same with the smoking, teaching them to be polite to smokers and ignore the behavior while understanding how deadly it is is tough. I think to an extent you have to just white knuckle it until they're old enough to understand "live and let live".
With the friends as they get older, I think teaching them to gracefully decline with confidence is key. Friends will follow examples more than directions. If your child is that happy nice kid who feels confident and doesn't smoke, they really won't have to say much to their friends about it. There have always been those kids in groups who everyone knows "he doesn't smoke" or "he doesn't drink" and they still have friends without telling anyone else what to do. Kids admire those type of kids, so encourage you kids to just be themselves and not judge. The same way they shouldn't feel compelled to smoke or drink because other people are, they shouldn't expect other people to bend to their will either. Positive example is best.
We were at an art opening and the painter showing was outside so I was chatting with him. He offered me a cigarette right in front of my kids! I smiled and said "no thank you" and kept the conversation going. After we left the kids were like, "MOM! Why did he do that, why does he think you smoke??!!!" And I just said, "He was being polite. He didn't know I don't smoke." I'm just hoping that seeing me GRACEFULLY and CONFIDENTLY decline while STILL maintaining the respect for someone was a decent example of how to conduct themselves in the future.
Tell him that you're not their mommy and they're grownups, so you can't tell them what to do. They know it's bad for them, but they decided to do it anyway, and there's nothing you can do about it except hope that someday they decide to quit.
If you're the praying type, you can suggest that he include them in his prayers so he will feel like he's doing something to help them.
You teach them that it is acceptable, and encouraged, to judge your own choices and actions. It is up to others to judge themselves.
An example would be you are in a classroom and you want to chew gum. No one else is chewing gum so you decide you shouldn't chew gum either. They are judging their actions but by them making a good choice it effects them without judgment.
If no one in a room is smoking a smoker will consider maybe that isn't the right thing to do. Controlling only your actions do effect others but in a non judgmental way.
I think you handled it fine. At some point when they are older you can explain that even though it's not healthy or smart, it's their right to do it, and they may choose to do it anyway. You can also explain that many times kids never think something bad is going to happen to them, it only happens to other people, and they not really thinking ahead. Another good discussion when they reach middle school age is how sometimes kids still want to try things out because their friends are doing it, but some things can become addictive and hard to quit once you start - so then it's about peer pressure, wanting to fit in, and how things like smoking, alcohol, and drugs can turn into an addiction.
No matter what, kids can be taught just because someone does something like smoke, doesn't make them a bad person. And that it is not nice to point out what they are doing "wrong". Kids at that age often don't have any "filter" and need to be taught sometimes to mind their own business, if it's a random person out in public. And if it's a kid their own age, they can certainly say something, and they can tell an adult if they think they are putting themselves or others in danger, but at the same time, it's not their responsibility to educate others on the dangers of smoking. They can only control themselves.
I think you did fine. My kids also did this when they were younger and we were stopped at red lights near smokers. They would tell the other drivers how gross it was. Windows up and AC on IMMEDIATELY!!
You did the right thing though. We know right and wrong, but we can't force other people to make the same choices. They also may not agree with our view of right and wrong.
Kids will learn balance and discretion over time and by example. Throwing that paint is to be expected at that age. You teach them in an age-appropriate way that gets your message across. As they get older, you start focusing more on teaching consequences. "Yeah, you can smoke if you want to, but this is what will happen if you do."
It's not necessarily about "right" and "wrong". It's about accomplishing goals, what will lead to what, the "best" routes to take to get to where he wants to go. You end up teaching this, though it won't necesarily look like it right now.
I think that you handled it pretty well. The reality is that they will only really be responsible for their own behavior...not everyone else's. Hopefully, they will speak up to their friends that make that choice. However, I would definitely not encourage them to speak up to random strangers that choose to smoke.
Personally, I HATE smoking. It irritates me to no end to have to walk through a cloud of smoke to get inside a store because folks are being rude. I do NOT start a confrontation with anyone though. They have the right to smoke no matter how stupid it is...
My daughter smokes and the kids know smoking kills people. They don't understand with her. I told them that cigarettes have drugs in them that make people want them, that it takes a bit of the choice away.
Those "don't smoke because this happened to me" commercials really make an impact. The kids see those and then they ask me "Is that going to happen to mama?". They get so sad.
It's hard, really hard, because they ask her why she wants to die. She is trying to quit and I hope she does it this time.
Good for your son!
You handled it fine.
Our son use to do the same thing - it takes them awhile before they learn to think before they speak.
I've been to way too many funerals for family members and co-workers who died way before their time due to tobacco related illnesses.
They were good people and they are missed.
I use to tell my son in private that we can't tell grown ups what to do and they already know it's not good for them - they can't stop (their addicted to nicotine) or they don't care.
