How to Encourage a Friend Trying to Concieve

I have definitely been in her shoes, and went through a pretty bad bout of depression because of it. I grew up in a German/Irish/Catholic town where it was assumed that getting pregnant was as easy as breathing, and for everyone I knew, it was - except me. There was pretty much nothing anyone could say to me to make it better - because they were all able to get pregnant without "help". It still bothers me that there are people who can get pregnant by just thinking about it or just "looking at a baby", and I had to go through having 2 doctors and 4 nurses in the room with me transferring embryos for me to be able to conceive.

And sex does become a chore because it's a planned chore instead of a spontaneously fun/enjoyable activity. Plus nobody ever talks about NOT being able to get pregnant, so when you do experience that, it's like you're an isolated instance and you don't know what to do. You're scared to go to the doctor for fear of "what they'll find" and are even more scared to talk to somebody (other doctor) about it for fear of what they'll tell you.

Keep in mind that there are other aspects that can affect getting pregnant...hormone imbalance, polyps, PCOS (www.pcosupport.org), autoimmune antibodies, endometriosis, blocked tube(s), etc. And with many of these things, there are things the doctor can do to counter those effects. I have autoimmune antibodies that make my blood clot too fast. If by some miracle, an egg went down the one tube I have that's open and tried to implant, the blood would clot around it and abort before it ever got going. There's nothing I did to bring this on - it's just the way my body works - and there was something that could be done about it too.

Anyway - what I can tell you is - I've been through the drama of going to the OB/GYN, we went through 6 cycles of clomid to no avail, and then went through 2 "assisted reproductive technology" cycles with a reproductive specialist and have 2 beautiful daughters.

Meanwhile, there's a book she should read by Dr. Alice Domar called "Conquering Infertility". I hate to read, but couldn't put that book down! One thing she could do before going to the dr.'s is to start charting her temperatures every morning before she lifts a finger to get out of bed, starting with the first day of her period (which is "cycle day 1). It's supposed to look like a "standard bell curve". (Mine didn't; mine looked like the Rocky Mountains, and I didn't realize that that meant something.)

I'd be happy to talk to or trade email's with your friend so she can know what to expect if/when she goes to the OB/GYN or on to a "specialist", and even let her know who my doctors were.

I can tell you by my experience it does take a lot out of you when you are trying so hard. I had gone through fertility and became pregnant after trying for 7 yrs and than having a miscarriage it broke my heart so bad. Finally after 12 yrs of trying on our own after I told my parents that my husband and I decided that it was time to give up and one day we will adopt. One month later I became pregnant and ended up having a little girl and now I actually have two miracles who are 18 months. Tell her to not worry so much believe me it is hard but once I finally gave it it happened. Good luck to your friend.

L.,

My thoughts as someone that had a hard time getting pregnant the first time? Don't try to invite the gorilla in the room to tea.

Sometimes it's harder for people to have someone who already has the thing or experience they are looking for say, "Don't worry, it will happen." While it is our instinct as women and friends to nurture by giving positive words, those words don't always comfort, sometimes they just remind. For example, a few years ago, my father was dying of cancer. Friends meant well when they'd say things like, "God never gives us anything we can't handle." I know that they cared and they felt they needed to say something and didn't know what, but the words AND the reminder bothered me very much. At times, such sentiments made things harder. I didn't blame them, but the simple reality was that they couldn't relate. I'd hate for you to put yourself in the position of being an apologist for your own fertility.

As to her marriage and the current arrangement she has for attempting to conceive, I don't think it's for anyone else to judge if that's ok for them or not. Certainly it's a stress, but it's their stress and only they know what their marriage can bear. I'm sure they wouldn't choose scheduled intimacy if they and their physician didn't think it necessary. Perhaps there will come a point when they will have to re-think that decision for joyful reasons or for painful ones.

I want to say to you, though, that I think it's so great that you care so deeply about your friend's happiness. Don't we all need friends like you! Perhaps at this point the best way to be her friend is to focus on other happier areas of your friendship. Shop with her, take her to lunch, go to the theater - whatever interests you share. You can make her laugh and keep things light while still being someone she can turn to if/when she chooses to unburden herself.

At my hardest times, it's often been the things that haven't been said that let me best appreciate the blessing of my friends. Prayers for you both!

Honestly, there was nothing that a friend could have said to me to cheer me up when I was trying to concieve. It took me three years to have a baby. We tried for 1.5 years before I finally got pregnant, then I miscarried. 6 months laster I got pregnant and carried to term and had a healthy baby girl.

During my time trying to get pregnant I was the same way as your friend. It consumed my every thought. And it seemed like everyone around me was getting pregnant with ease. There really was not anything that anyone could have said to me to make me feel better. The only thing that I wanted to hear was that I was pregnant. I especially didn't want advice from someone that had no trouble concieving!

Just tell her that it will happen and don't give up hope. Good luck to her!

PS My ob/gyn told me that the average time it takes to get pregnant is a year and a half, so she is right about there!

accupuncture can help fertility. it's very gentle and effective.

my mom is an adoption worker and she has had a surprising number of adoptive couples conceive AFTER they put in their paperwork to adopt!!! so it's true that just relaxing will help.