How to Deal with Bullies

Hi E.,
This is such a difficult issue! Dad's say let them handle it, us mom's want to "protect" and the school says no fighting ~ which includes fighting back, which unfortunately is often the only thing that makes a bully back off.
This is what I did, when my son was in 1st - 2nd grade. I let the teacher AND principal know what was going on and let them know without a doubt, that I was not going to allow this to continue. We talked with our son about avoiding potential situations and to keep quiet. If he was confronted, to go to a teacher immediately.
When that didn't work, I had no choice but to allow my husband to "have his way"...we then told our son that if the bully shoved/hit him again to hit him back as hard as he could. We also let him know that he'd more than likely be expelled from school for fighting and it'd be in his permanent record. I then went to the school and let them know that we'd given our son permission to hit back because they hadn't resolved the problem. (By the way, this was off and on over the course of two school years.) Nothing ever happened after that. I think just knowing he wasn't going to get in trouble from us if he had to fight gave our son whatever it was he needed to avoid the confrontations. In fact, his 3rd grade year, they became friends.
If you don't like that solution, and the school doesn't take the required action for the bullying to stop, let them know you're going to file a police report if it happens again. And ask them to relay that information to the bully and his parents as well. If you know the parents and believe it would be like talking to a brick wall, definitely don't try to reason with them, let the school handle them.
Hope this helps, I know it's not the most "politically correct" way of dealing with this situation, but we were truly at a loss when the school couldn't/didn't stop the bullying.
Good luck!
S.

E.-

I have not personally dealt with the situation,but my brother has with one of my nieces. Make sure that your son is not instigating anything first. My niece actually somewhat initiated something, but the other little girl took it way beyond anyway. If your son has already been picked on 3x, I would be contacting the school and the parents. Your boys should never have to fear getting on the bus or going to school. I would do it in a heartbeat. We want our kids to be able to learn to deal with conflict, but they don't need to be continuously bullied. If the other boys are made aware that adults know of their actions and there are consequences, they will continue to do what they do. I think your response is completely justified.

Follow your mother's instinct! By all means, speak to the parents. Keep a journal of the events leading up to and the reaction of the parents so you have a record to share with authorities if you need to. You have every right to speak to the school, the neighborhood HOA if you have one, and of course, the police. It's your job/right to protect your kids, and not involving yourself, sends a message to them that they are alone in this. It could keep them from coming to you in other instances that may be more serious. They have to know they can count on you. Your husband's macho attitude isn't dealing with the emotional impact that this has on them, and doesn't set a good example of him wanting to protect his sons. Your kids are still little, and they need you this situation!! They'll have plenty of time to fight other battles on their own, but these kind of attacks are something NO child deserves to endure - especially alone!

How terrible for your boys to deal with this. :( My motherly instincts kick in to. Maybe you should try talking to the parents. If that doesn't work. Then talk to other authorities. Try the parents first though. Do you know them? I hope this works out for you.

Wow, that's a yucky situation. My personal advice would be this:
#1- speak with the boy's parents. I know you don't think it will help, but it's the appropriate first step.
#2-Speak with the school bus driver as well as the principal, so they are aware of the situation, and can monitor it better.
#3-If the bullying behavior persists, contact the authorities. I know that seems extreme, but that kind of behavior is not acceptable and we have to protect our children. Not to mention, it might actually teach those bullies that there are real and serious consequences for their actions, since they obviously haven't been taught that at home.
Hope that helps!!

A lot of schools now a days will handle this matter. I was bullied in 7th, 8th, and 9th grade. These two girls started it, and got their friends involved. They would push me around, follow me, and throw things in my hair. They would even make life threatening phone calls to my house. 10th grade, I vowed to not be humilliated any more. They got one of their friends after me, didn't even know the girl, and she pushed me around too many times and one day I snapped. I pushed back and got into a fight. Self defense of course, but after I fought her, I had no more problems with any one. I did however got suspended for three days for participating in the fight. I know this might not help your situation now, but in a way your husband is right. Your boys need to stand up for themselves. But on the other hand...you're right. You're a mom, and you want to kick some butt. Talk with the Principal at the school to see how all of you can stop this bullying. Now a days, some schools will even expell those bullies. That means, freedom for your sons. :-) I wish you the best. And I hope that school is a good one and will work with you on this. Bullying can go either way...can make you stronger, or weaker.

years ago i had to deal with some thing like this with my two older children ,once i knew something was going on i talked to my two children more than once to make sure and be clear what happened and who started what.example i asked things like were you tripped going on the bus or off the bus,simple
but yet effective.if this happend on the bus,you as the parent must call and talk to the head person at the bus company,give a brief account of what has happend the three times.they will take action and ask the bus driver and let you know if this has happend to other children,then if this happends again
you will have to call the bus company again ,if it goes as far as a third phone to the bus company then you let them know that you want something done now.at that point you need to contact the printable of the school,and let the school know you want them to call the parents ,when it comes to schools each state has there own laws,and the way they go about things like this,in one way your husband is correct
but he should not let it get to far,keep in mind your son's
are the ones that have to get on that bus and the same goes for the school kids can be very cruel.and your son being a 1st grader will be at the school longer than your 5th grader
i always made sure my kids were not afraid to tell me anything,even if they new that they were the starter of the situation ,i always told my kids you will still have to except the punishment,if your kids don't trust you now how will they be able to trust you when they are teenagers.

Personally the idea your husband has in his head that your son needs to deal with the problem is ridiculous. Adults need to deal with it. If they are at the same school, school authorities need to know that this kid is physically abusive (knees your son in the privates) and is verbally abusive. You must insist that the school do something. When they're on the bus, they are connected to school.

Also, Children often feel that when they are bullied they are somehow at fault. This is a lie. If your husband thinks your child should deal with it, leave your husband out of the picture and you deal with it, but do it now. You're probably right: if this kid is acting out, there are probably problems at home and the parents may stonewall you. But if they are at the same school, make school officials call the parents in and tell them it has to stop. Otherwise, if they're not at the same school and your child feels threatened, I would get the police involved. No child should feel afraid of another child. It just makes me so angry.

I would call or go to the school immediately. Some schools have zero tolerance for bullying and they would probably do a better job of handling this situation anyways. If it's not handled right away by the school, then I would talk to the kids parents. There's no reason why your boys should have to put up with this bullying. Good luck! :-)

Hi E.. I have two teenage girls one 15 and one almost 18 and I had to deal with a thing like this when my youngest was in middle school at Naylor. I tried letting her handle it herself but it got to a point where I had to step in. I got a call from a fellow parent telling me she was going to get jumped after school so of course the MOTHER in me kicked in and then I calmed down and went to the school and spoke with the principal and believe it or not they do not take bullies at school at all and she got a hold to everyone involved and the problem was solved. I guess what I'm saying is go to the school even though it is happening on the bus that is still school property. When they start being a bully at such a young age it gets much worse the older they get, not to mention this kid may have issues at home and this might help him as well. Anyways good luck and I hope everything works out for you.