Dealing with School Bullies

Have you seen the website: http://stopbullyingnow.hrsa.gov/kids/

It is very informative. I would recommend reading the Parent's Tip List.

Hi R. Have a conference at school about the bullying of your son. And also tell him it someone hits him to hit them back!!! Sometimes that's the only way you can deal with a bully. He sounds like a nice child. But if you know like I do you can't treat some people nice. Some will take that for weakness and run all over you!!! And chances are some of these kid have been bullied themselves so they have to find someone to pick on.

R.,

I would e-mail the teacher and principal and request a meeting to discuss the issue with your son present. I think it's important to keep him involved, teach him to speak with grownups for help (you don't do all the talking) and have specific examples for him to mention - who, where, what time, who else saw/heard it, what was said between him and the other kid(s). I think it's important that he sees you will stand up for him, but not by swooping in to "take care of it for him".

Where is the bad behavior happening most often - in the classroom, on the playground, or on the bus? Where are the adults and what are they doing? There should be someone who can be alerted to the problem to help keep an eye on things. For us, it was the bus driver. She was instrumental in helping us resolve our bullying problem.

I agree that sometimes the friendly/nice kids get picked on because another kid sees them as an easy target that won't fight back or stand up for themselves in a confrontational situation. But keep in mind, there are always two sides to every story - so try not to go into the meeting armed for a fight. Go in helping your child explain his point of view and list what the problems are.

Finally, for us, it was important for my daughter to see "safety in numbers". When she stood up for herself and told the other child she didn't like being called names, and that she needed to stop, my daughter's friends realized it wasn't a game or silly that the "bully" was hurting someone else's feelings. Her friends then helped tell the bully to cut it out because it wasn't "fun". Soon, the bully's mom was coming to me saying MY daughter had turned her friends on her!

The key for my daughter was calling out bad behavior without calling names. So, "you're being mean" was OK. "Meanie head" was not. "You're a name caller" was OK. Retaliating with name calling was not.

Now my daughter knows who her friends are. They regularly stand up for each other, help each other and keep other bullies at bay. Make sure your son knows who he can count on when you aren't there. You aren't going to be able to protect him from afar, just support him afterwards.

Good luck!

Sara

I've found that often the nicest kids are targeted because they are nice and probably won't retaliate in kind.

Our schools (Lisle, District 202) have a strict anti-bullying policy. I would be meeting with the teacher and then the principal to help deal with the bullying as well as developing strategies for helping my child deal with said bully.

My oldest was bullied in 1st Grade by a 2nd Grader on the bus (she wasn't the only one). The kids themselves went directly to the principal about it. I thought it was awesome that a) the principal had such an open-door policy with the kids and that b) the kids took it upon themselves to ask for help. The end result is that the principal talked to the bully extensively about changing her behavior and they opened up a dialogue with the rest of the school about what it means to be respectful and that "Character Counts."

I hope you find similar support.

Take it to his teacher or the principal.
They should help you.

Good Luck!

I would definitely get the school involved, call the principal, teacher.

get the school involved asap. there is such an increase in bullying in schools today, horrible stuff that our generation did not have to deal with: cruel texting, cyber bullying etc. the schools needs to be implementing programs in the classrooms to educate students that bullying is WRONG! teachers need to be creating classroom communities where everyone treats one another with respect. encourage your son to not fight back, walk away, and be the bigger person. some acts of bullying in school are punishable. you sound like a great mom! continue to be an advocate to your son and against bullying.see what the community as a whole can to do get involved and stand up against this issue.

Get the school involved. most schools are VERY sensitive to bullying issues, and have assemblies to talk about it.

At my son's school, this including training for the kids to identify being a 'passive bystander' - someone who just stands there and watches bullying happen and doesn't say or do anything. Teach your son to say firmly to the bully that he isn't going to do whatever and to stay with his friends, find a teacher, etc.

Even if it is not happening on school grounds, but walking home or something like that, the school will want to know. Ask for a meeting with the principal, your son's teacher, and the bully's teacher if he is not in the same class. They can let the recess teachers, lunch ladies, etc. know to watch out for it.

Also, find out who the culprits are and just go talk to their parents. Sometimes a little one on one can cure the problem. I would not go in with guns blazing, but at least bring it to their attention. My son had a confrontation with another kid once in 3rd grade. It turned out that the other boy was the youngest of 3 boys and was just a lot more physical than my only child was! The mom was so embarrassed, we got the boys together to play and the problem was solved. So it may be something like that.

If it is not just a misunderstanding, then find some other kids who are your son's friends and talk to their mothers. Find out if anyone else has had issues with the bully. A bully is much less likely to pick on a group of kids. If your son and his friends all stick together on the playground, walk home together, etc. that may help too. Bring some peer pressure down on the bully- no one wants to be the kid who doesn't get any playdates.

Above all, stick up for your son. No matter what the situation, if he is frightened or upset, he should not have to feel that way at school or walking home.

Once when I was a kid, another boy was poking me with a stick as we walked home. He didn't realize that my mother had come to meet me! She ran up to him, snatched the stick and broke it in two across her knee and said loudly, " You NEVER, NEVER hit someone else with a stick! Shame on you!" The kid ran away and never bothered me again, lol. My mom didn't threaten him in any way- just took the stick- but I still remember feeling proud and relieved that my mommy was there! That might be what it takes to help your son stand up for himself and to scare a bully away!

R. c. I would notify his teacher and ask him/her to keep and eye out to see if they notice other children picking on your son. I would also notify the principal or whom ever handles discipline in the school. Usually bullies are well known by the administration of the school. These are things you can do that won't make your son look like mama has to fight back for him. It is hard, I have been there with both of my sons. There were times when a phone call worked and then there were times when I had to go to the school and deal with the situation. You have to be the judge on wheather you need to go to the school or if the teacher and administration can handle it. Your child should not have to deal with bullies whild he is tryng to learn.

Arrange a conference with your teacher and be very specific about what's happening, who's doing it, how they're doing it, and get the teacher's view.

I would definitely get the school involved, call the principal, teacher.

I was just reading an article in time for kids about bullying. October 4-10 is bullying prevention week. It encourages other students who are not involved to report bullying instead of staying silent. I would let the teacher know so she can be more aware when they are playing on the playground. The principal needs also to be involved. Does your son have friends to stick up for him? As a last resort, I would speak with the parents. I stopped some bullying in the last school. Boys were being excessively rough to our neighbor. I told the boys to call a truce and move on. The parents were involved and had no idea it was happening. The 2 families and the kids got together to talk. I suppose it doesn't always work well but in this case it did. The principal was also notified in that case. Good luck.

Hi R.,

In addition to the wonderful advice you've already received here, I wanted to let you know that I teach a program that helps families deal with this issue. It is a unique program unlike others out there that has had amazing results for families that have followed the program.

If you wish to find out more, you can check it at this url http://www.ishinekids.com/TelecourseIntro.html

Alternatively, feel free to send me a message back if you'd like more information.

Your son shouldn't have to deal with this problem, and there are very effective traditional and non-traditional ways to deal with it.

Hi R.,

I experienced the same things and I went right to the parents. I do not tolerate my child being mistreated - it's generally because the other children are jealous for whatever reason. I try to make sure the bully is with the parent when I confront so the bully knows that I mean business. At this age, the bully is not likely to continue the behavior. They are still young and can learn to play together.

Be noisy and alert the school. My son has been the target of bullies in kinder and 1st grades. I finally got so fed up last year that I raised a major stink with the school after I was told that my son was too "sensitive" to friendly rough play. Excuse me??? Being punched in the stomach and tackled to the ground is not friendly!!!!
I was such a pain in the tush about this that the school finally took notice and this year has been great for my son. He meets with a social worker to discuss any issues he's having with classmates and the teacher has kept an eye out for my son to make sure he's not drawn into the bully crowd. You are your son's advocate and your son has every right to learn in healthy, bully-free environment.

I would be at the school talking to the principal. 3rd grade bullying isn't the same as Kinder or 1st. It could be getting serious. Stay on top of it and figure out who's doing it. It has to stop.

R.,

Thank you so much for asking this question. My son who is barely two is a sensitive, lovely little man and I can already see aggressive kids (same age) take over situations and even push him. When this happens he looks so hurt and confused it just breaks my heart. So I've wanted to help create ways to ensure he's able to stand up for himself and walk away from the bully types.

Love all the advice you're getting and am excited to check out some websites and books recommended to you.

Best of luck and I hope your little man finds some peace!

Courtney

There is a great book called Bringing Up Boys by Dr. James Dobson and he addresses this issue in a whole chapter. He says you should go to whatever length is necessary to protect your kids from relentlentless bullies...the long term implications can be profound...I would recommend reading the book and taking whatever steps necessary to privately protect (you don't want him publicly humiliated even more) your son...your motherly instincts are RIGHT on- trust them!