How Much Is Too Much Crying?

Well I don't want to sound nasty, but I'm going to be blunt. To me it sounds like she does this because it gets her what she wants. You buy her something for whatever isn't right for her, you sounds like you are "arguing" with her over things like brushing her teeth, who puts the blanket on, what bus to come home on, etc. It sounds like you've not been consistent on what you give in to her about and what you don't give in about. You've got to consistent. Teeth brushing it's not an option so you say do you want to brush them or mommy, but one of us has to do it and then if she starts the crying, you brush them immediately and be done with it, don't give her the chance to cry and argue it with you. Clothes give her two outfits and let her pick then if she cries to her room until she can stop. I know it's hard my son has done it to some extent as well and it is very trying. But they've got to understand that you're not going to give in and if they are doing it for no reason other than to get their way, they can got to their room to finish. Goodluck

One thing I have not seen mentioned is that she might be gifted. Being sensitive is a sign of this. My daughter cries every single day too and a lot of it is physical. She is tenderheaded(like me) and her hair tangles just by sleeping on it. She is very picky about her clothes and the way they feel, hates tags, hates the toe seam if it's not exactly right, etc. I will agree you need to look into things on the Autims spectrum disorder as well. My son is being tested now for Asperger's and my daughter does a few things that could be that as well. Don't assume she is just looking for attention or is just spoiled. Some kids are just different!

L. Etta, mother of a 7 year old girl and an 8 year old boy.

Before you start punishing or disciplining your daughter please rule out any underlying medical/development issues. My son is sensitive and he had problems communicating his basic needs to us. When you said what you ordered was not what she wanted, it set off an alarm in my head. Some kids have a condition called auditory processing disorder which is tied to expressive and receptive language disorders. Girls because they are usually more verbal are hard to diagnose. WHen kids can't communicate well it comes out in their behavior. Boys usually get identified early but I heard about a girl who did not get diagnosed until she was in 3rd grade because she had good verbal skills. SO please investigate this first before you start punishing her. FInd a good speech/language therapist and they will be able to help you. I would also get feedback from the folks who work with your child at school so you know what direction to get your help from.

I babysit for a 3 1/2 year old cryer. If she doesn't get her way, it's full blown tears, laying on the ground, pouting, telling me she hates me, etc. The last time she did it I told her "Go ahead and cry. I don't really care. You're crying for NO reason at all and I don't put up with it. When you're ready to behave like a big girl, you can come and play with us." Worked like a charm! Now, I only have to deal with this a few days a week, so it's NOTHING like what you're going through. I think putting her in her room is good, unless she has toys and things in her room. I'd stand her in the corner or put her on a naughty spot until she can get herself under control. After she has herself under control, maybe you can try to talk about the specific reason she's crying. If she starts making up crazy stories, put her in time out again for lying. I don't think letting her cry makes you a bad mom at all! In fact, I think it's just the opposite! It makes you a GREAT MOM!!! Hang in there! With any luck, it will get better soon! :)

Julie A C is rockin it. Her advice is right on. I have done most of these things with my son and I am working on doing them with my daughter. We have also made some adjustments in their diets that have made a world of difference.

Ignore the ADD crud. A lot of people like to drug kids to make them robots so they don't have to actually be mean parents. Some kids are really sick, but not as many as some parents/drug companies would like to believe. Your daughter is probably sweet and loving most of the time, but just has a small attention issue.

Good luck!

I have a 6 year old, and he gets completely stressed out with school and has emotional break outs at home. He does good if I give him 30 minutes of time right after school to sit and watch his cartoons or do whatever it is he pleases. It's his time, that means if he wants me to sit on the couch and hold him that's what we do. If he wants be alone that's it too. Sometimes, if he is super fussy from the time he gets off the bus then those 30 minutes are spent in his bed--most the time he falls asleep.
We don't eat out during the week typically because it causes too much stress and uproar. Eating at home in a quiet environment is less stimulating, and typically goes over much better with my son.
I have found ignoring works well. I tell him everyone needs time to cry and get it out, so go to your room and cry. Either he can brush his teeth or I can brush his teeth. It's his choice. Dinner you eat the majority of your food or you get nothing else for the night. And those nights I will intentionally eat something like ice cream just to prove the point.
My biggest thing I do, is that if it's a tearful night, we eat early and he goes to bed early. He still seems to need at least 10 hours of sleep (prefers 12) to function without fussiness and tears. If he gets 8 or 9 he is an absolute bear!!
Overall these things seem to work. It will take a week or two to break old habits and let her know the new rules but sticking to one set of rules: No tears or else no attention, will get the point across. She will learn the rule and start to follow it and everyone will be MUCH happier!!

You didn't indicate whether this just started or if this is an ongoing thing since birth. You say at the end that you are engaged, so I am curious: how does she feel about your fiancee? Not how do you want her to feel, how does she really feel? I am assuming that he is not the birth father. Is there any correlation between his entry into your lives and the onset of tears. Does she now feel inconsequential because getting married, introducing the notion that Mommy loves someone else has a grave effect on children. My niece is 7, has been dealing with this since she was 5. Made worse by his 10 year old daughter with her own issues and has been jealous and manipulative ongoing.
Ny niece sees it as 3 against 1 in the household. Don't blow it off, take a hard look at the possibility that what she's crying about isn't what she's crying about.

I've been through a similar situation with my 5 year old son. I finally explained to him that his crying is not going to change my answer, the situation, whatever set him off at that time and that if he starts crying to throw a fit that he would need to go to his room. At first he spent so much time in his room that I was getting a little nervous thinking that I may have to try a different route. However, the time has gotten to be less and less over the past couple of months. He understands that his crying for no reason isn't going to get him anywhere. When I started sending him to his room, I would wait about 10 minutes and then go check on him. Usually by this point, I could talk him down. I just made sure that when I was calming him down that I was explaining that my decision wasn't going to change and that if he wanted to join the rest of us he could when he was calm. I would then leave him alone. Usually after a couple more minutes he would come out on his own. Good luck! Just keep working at it.

Wow. First off let me say you rock momma, I didn't make it to 6 with my daughter acting that way. At about age 4 I'd had enough. She did all the same things though, and even now while she is SOOO much better (she's 6 now) we're having potatoes with dinner which she doesn't have to even eat and she got pouty, better than crying though. You're method is good, and it will work sooner or later. with mine it was ok at first, she'd just go in there and cry, then she started getting mad because she realized her tears weren't getting her attention, that's when doors started slamming and she'd stomp her feet up the stairs and while in her room, that got ignored to, though it did get so bad I considered removing her door, and it stopped. She's a sensitive emotional child but she understands now that if she makes a choice she has to follow through and finish it even if her choice was wrong. Hang in there and keep it up. She's older than my daughter was it might take longer, it might get worse before it gets better, but by following through you are teaching her that if she makes a choice, good or bad, there are consequences.

Hi M.! I FEEL your pain. I have a 6 year old daughter also. One thing that I noticed while I was reading your request was that it seems like you are walking on eggshells at times just to avoid her crying. I've been there too, it gets to the point sometimes where you DO walk on eggshells because you just don't think you can stand the drama one more time that day. But the fact is that YOU are the mother. The things that happen in your house are under YOUR control, NOT hers. She is completely in touch with what sets you off. She KNOWS that if she cries, you guys are going to still try to cater to her. Here are a couple of ideas and things that I have personally done to get the drama under control with my daughter.
1. Stop letting her pick out clothes. My daughter used to pick out her own clothes and we had DRAMA every single morning. Once I realized that I had to do something before I got an early morning job to avoid being home, I told her that from now on she is going to wear exactly what I pick out, no questions asked. If she says one word about what I picked out, she has to spend the morning in her room until the bus arrives. Before I enforced this rule, her and I went into her room and went through every article of clothing in her closet. If there were ones she didn't like, were too big, or were too "whatever" she used as an excuse at times, those clothes were taken out of her closet and given to Goodwill (except for the ones she'd grow into of course). This way the clothes that were left were ones that I KNEW she could wear and that whatever excuse she tried on me was just her acting out. Yesterday she spent the morning in her room for saying her shirt was too big, but this morning she got totally ready without one fight, so it DOES work!
2. Let her brush her own teeth. If it causes her to go to bed late, make her make up the time she took the following night at bedtime. If my daughter stalls or gets out of bed after us tucking her in, she automatically owes me 15 minutes the next night. This worked GREAT! She hardly ever has to have this punishment implemented anymore, but at first it was every single night for about a week where she would go to bed 15-30 minutes early because of her behavior the night before.
3. Don't listen to her excuses. If she starts saying that she doesn't like her toothpaste, hair, toothbrush, whatever it is, don't interact with her. You CANNOT reason with a 6 year old. In the mornings, if her behavior causes her to be late and miss the bus, charge her gas money. I have done this twice with my daughter and she hasn't missed the bus now for months!!
4. At bedtime, explain to her what your expectations are BEFORE you put her to bed. Tell her the procedure of bedtime, write it down so she can visibly see it and have her read it every night before bed. If she doesn't follow it, have her put herself to bed the following night. This one KILLS my daughter! She can't stand it! Which means....it works.
5. Get a dry erase board and write on it what she needs to get done every morning. You may even need at first to write down what time she needs to do each activity. If her bus comes at 8:30 like my daughter's, have her, for example, eat at 7:30, brush her teeth at 8, brush her hair at 8:05, make her bed at 8:10, and get dressed at 8:15. Shoes go on and backpack is by the door at 8:25. Make things very simple for her so she can hold herself accountable. If she screws up, have punishments in place. On the morning chart, write down what happens if she isn't getting her shoes on at 8:25. Have it be something like "if you miss the bus, you have to pay mommy $3.00 for gas money AND have to start getting ready 15 minutes earlier the next morning. From 7:30 - 8 my kids eat and watch cartoons so if I were to have her start getting ready at 7:45, it would take away her cartoon time which would be a punishment to her. Do the same type of chart at bedtime. If she isn't ready to go to bed 5 minutes before bedtime, make her not only put herself to bed, but add time onto her bedtime the next night so she's going to bed earlier than she wants to.

To get these new expectations started, make it as simple as possible by having the lists for her to physically read and having her punishments written out also. As for crying at other times, you're doing the right thing by sending her to her room, but you may want to write down somewhere what will happen on top of going to her room, like say, she has to go to her room until she's done, and afterwards she has to come out with a toy to donate to charity. I have taken many many toys away for misbehaviors. Just remember that YOU are in charge of your house. LISTS are the way to go, especially in the beginning. YOu don't want to stress her out by implementing a bunch of new expectations and expecting her to remember them. This is why it's so important to have them there for her to read. Try to make it a little more involved by having a place she can check off as she completes her tasks. If she makes it through a whole week without having to go to bed early or pay gas money, have an award in place. It doesn't have to be anything special, even just 1 hour with mommy to play whatever she wants to play. Those rewards are the best ones anyway.

You CAN GET CONTROL OF THIS, trust me, been there, done that! These are the things that worked for me and have created harmony in our house again!

Hi M.,
A very sensative child may mean that there might be an underlining medical problem going on. If you have not talked to your doctor yet you may want to do that. My son is very sensative and did that as well. He went for years misdiagnossed with ADD. He ended up having a serious brain abnormality that is often missed. His emotions are due to him being in pain every day of his life. He never told us he had pain because he said he thought everyone felt that way. Now, please don't freak out but it is worth checking into. If I only knew then what I do now I feel things would have been a lot different.
Good luck
K.

OMG, we went through that with one of our cildren. we used to do one of two tings, if we were home we would tell her to go to her tom and when she felt like she was in control of herself she could come out, if the crying started again, back to her room she went. (She also through fits, mostly about not getting her own way). If we were in public, I would do one of two thinkgs, either find a time out spot (didn't matter if we were in a restaurant or store, or I would just sit there and tell her, people are staring at you because u are embarrassing yourself, when you are done, let me know and we can talk about what the problem is. If she started crying again, I would just ignore it and do the same thing. It really didn't take that long for her to get the hint, I would say maybe about 3 weeks.
Good Luck!
J.

Unless your daughter has a medical condition I would say she is crying for attention.When my sister was small she did this a lot, Dad got tired of it, so every time she cried with out a cause, he spanked her so she had a reason to cry.Sounds mean but it worked.

Strong willed children are difficult to deal with but you do not want to break a child's spirit. The strong will will keep her moving forward in life. At the same time a child cannot control a family. I suggest talking with her about the crying and telling her that she must learn to use her words for what she wants. When she makes a choice (like an outfit or food) then she must stick with that choice and you will not allow her to change after the fact. Going to her room until she is finished crying is a good idea."When you are ready you can come back out but you must stay in your room until you stop" If she cries in a restaurant I would tell her before you go that if she cries you will leave and take her home and she will need to go to her room. You can always ask to have the food to go. Having been a strong willed child and having raised five children I have learned that being firm, fair and consistent is extremely important. There should always be the same consequence for the behavior. Once you start down the road the behavior will increase to test the water. Hang in there and don't give in or give up. Once the child realizes that it is going to be this way things will get better.

How long has this been going on? My daughter is now 24 and she went through this for a long time. She was finally diagnosed with depression and borderline personality disorder. Your daughter definitely needs one on one time with you. Make sure nothing else is going on. I found out later that my daughter was sexually assaulted by a babysitter's son. This was the start of many emotional issues with her. She was about 8 yrs. old then. Make sure you take her seriously regarding her feelings. Don't be afraid to seek out psychological help. She is crying for help.

Hello M...I just wanted to tell you that your story sounds like a carbon copy of mine just a year ago.When the crying got to much for all of us I decided to take my daughter to counseling which has helped so much.She was diagnosed with severe anxiety disorder but her therapist has taught her some things to try to help her either to not cry or try to stop it.1) Have her pretend she is blowing up a balloon.Tell her her problems are being put in the pretend balloon. 2) Have her stop and clap her hands together. My daughter loves to sing so her next exercise is to try to sing.There are times that there is nothing i can do but hug her or ignore her but honestly even her teacher has seen an improvement. It is hard when people say that your kid is a crybaby and a spoiled brat(been there and done that) when you know there is more.If you are from Clermont County they have a place called child focus. Maybe talking to someone about her feelings will help.Good luck to you all~K.

Putting her in her room is the right thing to do. And don't give in, no matter what. Maybe you should just start choosing for her and stand her in the corner if she doesn't cooperate- choose her dinner, choose her outfit,etc. Don't let her have her way for awhile. She will soon appreciate being able to choose again.
Be firm with her, don't feel sorry unless you see blood, when she comes crying, ask "are you hurt?", if the answer is no then find out why she is crying and if it is something silly, put her in her room 15 minutes, increase the time each time she does it.
Motherhoood is tough sometimes!

My daughter who is 30 now was a cryer too. Infact, she still cries easily. But as I read this your daughter sounds more like a drama queen than anything else, and she is using the crying to get her way. Some kids throw tantrums but there are all kinds of tantrums. I suggest to ignore it, I know it probably drives you crazy but the best way to stop it is to ignore it. That's the best way to deal with tantrums and once they figure out you aren't giving them attention over it, it will eventually slow down. The big problem is it's kind of like crying wolf, how will you really know if something is wrong? You are getting desensitized to it and will ignore it if something really is wrong. I wouldn't make any fuss over it at all unless there is blood involved. Sending her to her room is ok, and maybe she will get tired of it. But most kids want to be in their room anyway so it's not really a punishment. Just try really hard to ignore it. And when your in public just tell her everyones looking at her and thinking what a big baby she is, of course if she is a drama queen she will love it.I wonder if she does this all day at school or just when she's around you? If it's just around you it's the Mom's curse, you know where kids act their worse around their Moms. Good Luck

Maybe your daughter just happens to be a very sensitive child. Maybe you can work on getting her to use words to say what she is feeling and needing. A great book to read is "Respectful Parents, Respectful Kids" by Sura Hart and Victoria Hodson.

http://www.amazon.com/Respectful-Parents-Kids-Conflict-Co...

Have you had her evaluated? By law the public schools must do it for free. It could partly be behavior because she's learned she gets attention but it could also be more out of her control. My son cries/whines ALOT and we've learned that it's because of his ADD. That's one symptom/behavior that many parents do not know about it. ADD kids tend to be very emotional and the slightest thing puts them over the edge and crying... when most kids their age would just brush it off. They need a strict schedule, hate changes and are sensitive to sounds/fabrics. There are other things too... gifted kids have many of the same behaviors as do other developmental/medical issues.

Once you rule out any medical or developmental issues, then start putting your foot down. Of course, having these isn't an excuse but at least you are aware of them and can work together to get it under control and be more understanding. Working together, we've figured out what his 'triggers' are and are working on those... and he's gotten alot better over the past few months since we found out his has ADD.

Asking a child to control something they have no control over and honestly need help with is just cruel.

I am so sorry that you have to go through this. First of all, I would try to think back on when all of this crying started. Is there maybe an underlying reason? Were there any significant changes or did she learn about any significant upcoming changes? Sometimes excessive crying could come from being anxious, afraid, etc. I would probably take her to her peditrician first to make sure it's nothing physical. Ask your pediatrician if he/she can recommend maybe a good pediatric counselor. I know it sounds crazy, but maybe your daughter needs someone else to talk to. Or maybe you have a really good friend that can spend some time w/your daughter and ask her why she always cries so much (with you not being there). Does your daughter cry this much in school or when she is around other caregivers? I would definitely try to get to the bottom of this. (And I know, not getting what she wants may contribute to this but I think there might be something else going on).

Boy, has she got you guys pegged!
My 5-1/2 year old daughter does this quite a bit.

With the crying, I tell her, "Mommy doesn't do drama. Calm down, talk to me like you know how and tell me what's wrong." My mother used to tell us, "When you can talk to me like a big girl, come see me." We've found that 98% of the time whatever she's upset about can be easily fixed. But with the clothes, she's even started saying to us, "Make a decision and stick with it!" because we've said that to her so much. We do let her choose, but we limit her choices...I'll pull out 2 shirts and tell her to pick one. Sometimes she'll pick the one she sees I didn't pull out from the bag, and I don't care, as long as it's not going to create drama and dawdling.

We have found that if we tell her the night before what's happening the next day, that helps immensely - that way she knows what to expect. Just Tuesday night, I told her, "Okay, in the morning, we're going to Miss Debbie's so I'll need you to get dressed and have a poptart when we get up." She decided that after that she wanted to go to Wendy's, and I told her that was fine. SO - Wednesday morning went off without a hitch, we went to pick her and our other daughter up, we got in the car and went to Wendy's. 98% of the time what she's asking for is not a big deal.

We've told her sometimes we're going out to a certain place (like this pizza place my husband and I like), and she'll say, "BUt I don't WANT to go there." Our response: "Okay - you stay home by yourself, but we're going." Then she'll say, "But i just don't want to go there." And we'll reply, "We know - we know you'd rather go somewhere else, but mommy and daddy really want to go there tonight. Maybe when we get back we can play outside."

Let her know you don't want the drama, and that you expect her to use her words to let you know why she's upset. We've even lightly teased her by imitating the drama back to her, which makes her laugh. Then we can say, "Okay - what's the problem?" and get to solving it from there.

It could just be that she doesn't know how to handle you getting married and is doing this to draw your attention away from him and towards her. Maybe you guys could schedule some "fun time" just for you two once a week or something so that she can be reassured that just because you're getting married doesn't mean she's going to be "all alone" - you'll still be "the mommy" and you still love her no matter what.

For what it's worth - and good luck!

Maybe she is acting out for attention??? I am with you one putting your foot down, my daughter does this fromtime to time but we do Smart Discipline...there is a websight. IF you'd like more info email me. It is pretty much a chart, you have about 10 house rules, and 1 you highlight for the day, she breaks a rule you X out a box, after 3 FREE x's with the 4th one she gets a privledge or toy, tv time or to bed 15 min early, after about a week of that, my daughter was ok. We still use it from time to time to "get her back in the groove" but it has worked wonders. They have a book you can read too! GOOD luck

Hi M., wow, I cannot imagine how frustrated you must be and how you probably feel guilty for being frustrated with your daughter. Have you talked to her doctor about this? You mentioned that she goes to school, does her school have a counselor? It definitely does not sound normal. Does she cry like this in class all day too? Or just when she's around you? Is she craving your attention/affection? Is the finance new to the picture? Maybe she's struggling with that (if this is a new thing with her). I would seriously recommned you talk to a counselor at her school or elsewhere to see if they can talk to her and find out what's going on. Why is she acting out? What is she needing/craving, etc. Or take her to the park or somewhere outside the house, just the two of you and try to have a heart to heart and see if she'd open up about stuff. Be honest with her how you feel and what your concerns are, and what you expect of her (for a 6 year old) and see if she will open up/respond. I know she's only 6, but children are amazing and you just never know what she's really thinking or feeling. It could be something she has manifested in her head that isn't reality, like when you said she makes up crazy stories, etc. I would definitely find someone for her to talk to if she won't talk to you. Good luck and I hope you can come to a resolution with her as I'm sure you are at your wits end. Best of luck! :-)