Seeking Parenting Advice? - Kent,WA

I think we can all relate. She is just going through a phase. The more you go in the more she knows you will keep going in. It is hard to hear it and not go in. She will settle down. Making a routine and sticking with it is a great thing also. We read a story , sing song one and say good night. After you hear that she is settle down you can always peek in on her.
S.
Mother of three girls, 12,8 1/2 and 4

I agree with Wendy B. She is old enough to know that bedtime means bedtime. I regular routine with a little cuddling before bed may be her thing. My 24 mo old kisses everyone goodnight after the jammies/bath routine and then I say good night when I set him in his crib and that is that. Sometimes, he thinks he isn't ready (cries/whines) but it only lasts a minute or so since I have stuck to my guns. It was hard at first but it has paid off. Trust that she will get it sooner than you think if you keep at it.

Hi J.,

It is usually a phase. My daughter is two and we are dealing with something similar. We put a gate up, and if she gets irritated enough because we won't come in there, she at times tears it down. That is a rare occasion, and usually if my husband or I have had a rough day. I found a good article on google abt bedtime for toddlers and will include the link.

http://www.theparentreport.com/resources/ages/toddler/beh...

It will get better, it is a process and is getting better for us every day praise God!

Blessings,

K.S.

Crying it out won't hurt her! It actually may help wear her out so she will fall asleep. And learn that you won't give in to her temper tantrum.

but try a few things first. A routine every night. The same thing in the same order every time, i.e. warm bath with lavender baby bath, followed by lavender lotion, warm her pajamas in the dryer before putting them on her, bedtime snack.. warm milk and oatmeal.. story time... prayers and tuck her into bed..warming blankets in the dryer too. Maybe buy her some new sheets in a color or character theme she likes. Tuck her in and say good night. If she cries, firmly say she needs to go to sleep now. Then leave the room, shut the door and set the timer for 5 minutes. After 5 minutes, go back in and tell her she needs to go to sleep, tuck her back in and leave. This time set the timer for 10 minutes. After 10, if she is still crying.. go back in and tuck her in again, and set the timer for 15. Still crying?? 20 minutes. She will learn that you will come back and will either fall asleep crying or waiting for you. After 20 minutes, change her diaper if she is still wearing one, get her a small drink, maybe read one more short story. Then do it all over again. It may take a while. but the next night, it wont' take as many times.. the next time even fewer. It should only take 3-4 nights of this til she learns. It can work but you have to stick to the routine. She will learn. You may get frustrated and lose some sleep.. but in the long run it can work.

best wishes.

Routine is the most important thing! Also, atmosphere. Has there been a lot of stress in your house lately? Have there been any recent changes that might affect her stress level?

I've found that doing soothing things like to start with a bath, then warm jammies, then we get to read a story and you can sit with Mommy!

Can you rock with her for a while? Maybe 15 minutes the first night, 10 minutes the second night, then 5 minutes and it's bed!

After that, you've done your job. It's really hard, especially the first few nights, but you have to completely ignore her.

They do outgrow it. :)

I wouldn't use the let her cry it out method, although she is getting older, she is abviously having trouble soothing herself to sleep. I'm sure you've tried talking with her about it, but there is abviously something making her very upset at bedtime, so help her. Your instincts would not lie to you, please trust them. I've had so many people tell me to let my child cry it out and then it will all be better, but it's so important to be there for them and not foster insecurities. Try Dr. Sear's sleep book & show it to your husband. There has to be a better way to help her rather than just letting her associate being so upset with sleeptime. Good luck, I'm sure you can figure this out and be supportive at the same time.

Your husband is right she is manipulating you. This is the hard part of parenting saying no and being consistant. I do use a cd player to help calm my daughter with luliby cds, works like a charm. You could try using Hyland's Calms Forte a homeopathic tablet for babies.

I am going to start off by saying that I am not a fan of the cry it out (CIO) method, and that said I was appalled and a little saddened to read many of the responses that you received. If your instincts are telling you that letting your daughter scream, wail, and cry is BAD that's because it IS. Babies have very limited ways to communicate and this is her way of trying to tell and show you what what she needs - in this situation comfort and most likely you. Babies have only their instincts to go by she may be beginning to understand some things (such as going to bed alone and quietly) but she is letting you know that she is not ready for this step yet. What many are referring to as 'outgrowing' it and it 'only lasting a few days' is what happens when babies stop crying and screaming not because of a success but because the child has given up... given up on their parents and given up on the hope that their needs are going to be met. Stop trying to train your child, she is not a dog. I would suggest that you sit with your child, comfort her when she cries and let her be dependent on you.

I understand that for many parents this philosophy is strange and is believed to foster negative neediness in young children, but much research has suggested otherwise. I believe (as do many other professionals) that children who are allowed to be dependent upon their parents will grow up to be independent -- when the time is right for them!

Some helpful reading material - 'The no cry sleep solution' By Elisabeth Pantley and 'The continuum concept' By Jean Liedloff

Is she getting out of bed or just yells?
If she is getting out of bed then i would sit in her room and just put her back in bed without saying anything. Don't talk to her just put her in bed.

I have a son who just turned 2 and we have experienced sleep issues with him as well. I also used the book that Shanna suggested, the no-cry sleep solution, to help my son sleep through the night and to have his go to bed routine as peaceful as possible. The book helps you to develop a personalized routine and structure to your bedtime routine based on YOUR beliefs. I must state that I am also not a fan of cry-it-out. It is true that your child is talking to you and telling you their needs in the form of cries and if you do not respond, what are you telling your child? Although, I know that crying it out "works" for some because, eventually the child learns that you are not going to respond to their needs, Personally, I believe that it is detrimental to the mother-child relationship. I want my son to know that I will always be there for him whether his needs are physical, emotional, or whatever. Why not spend that 1/2 hour or 45 min sitting in the room with your child and being there for security and comfort, rather than sitting in the other room hearing the screams and wishing you could go in? When we made the switch from the family bed to the big boy bed in his own room, I had to sit in the room with him for 30min to an hour each night before he went to sleep. Now, months later, that he knows that Mommy is there for him and will stay until he goes to sleep, he falls asleep quickly and peacefully (10-15min) each night. Good luck with whatever you decide and remember she is only 2!!

My now 4 year old had a terrible time going to bed when he was 18 months old. I finally realized it was because he was having separation anxiety. I started sitting in his bed with him either reading or doing my crossword puzzle until he fell asleep (it was actually nice downtime for me). I had to do that for a month or so and then he was fine. I still occasionally do it (like once every 4-5 months) when he seems particularly in need of mommy time.

Sometimes he will still not want to go to sleep. I will tell him I will come check on him in 5 minutes which will often calm him down. Other times I will have my husband go in there and tell him it is time to sleep. However, on a night where he is throwing a tantrum, I tell him we will not talk to him until he can control his body and his voice. I will also tell him that he has a choice - he can pick out two books and we can read together and then he can go to bed or he can refuse to go to bed in which case there will be no book reading. That usually does the trick as well.

Hi J.,

I think it is a normal phase that kids go through, and with # 2 on the way it will probably just keep changing. Around 2-2 1/2 we had him sleeping in his own room almost all night. Going to bed was easier. Then he wouldn't want to get into bed at all. We were trying to put him down around 9 p.m... or sometimes it would be even later like 10 or 11 before he would finally fall asleep. What time are you trying to put her down? A good friend of mine; a preschool teacher; told me that kids must be put to bed earlier than what we think. She says there is a huge difference in kids who get to bed by 8-8:30 (lots of time for the routine)-- than those who get to bed 10-11 o'clock. They are just overtired by that time, and it is harder for them to fall asleep.

We got into a schedule and I try really hard to keep it. Bath at 7 pm, into pj's, drink or cocoa, brush teeth, story, potty time, and bed. At the beginning we had a sticker chart for the things we finished. We'd go through the list together; putting on stickers and then he knew that it was all complete. It also helped to me remember the routine as well, and help keep me accountable! We were also struggling with potty training at the same time; and so stickers were an asset there as well. The challenge I seem to have is I tell him that it is time to brush teeth, and he doesn't listen or respond. So, I put him down; then all of a sudden it is "Brush teeth, brush teeth"-- then I ask him if he needs to go potty, and he says no-- sure enough; get him into bed, and it's a sure bet that 5 minutes later he'll have to go potty. So it isn't perfect; but if we start at 7; then by 8:30 he is normally finally in bed. Since our second one sleeps in our room; he also wants to come in and sleep in our room. He has a foam matrice on the floor; and that is where he can sleeps; and normally by morning he is there.

But I don't think you should ignore her... she needs assurance that you are there, and consistency from you. The regularity of schedules/rituals gives security. Are you able to ask her "why?"-- can she communicate with you yet why she is afraid or upset? We have two languages in our house; and our son at 3 we are finally able to start communicating on a little deeper level, talking started much later... so this may not work; but it could help to talk to her and tell her what the routine will be. You aren't alone in this! Hope you can find a solution to work for you all!

S.

Ha! I am laughing because my daughter, who is just 2 months older than yours, is doing the exact same thing, except it lasts much longer. I'll be watching the responses to see if there is something I can try, too!

I will say that something that worked the other night was putting in a CD of children's songs. It seemed counter-intuitive, because it wasn't "sleepy" music, but it worked. She was thrilled to get to listen to the familiar songs, so she was quiet and fell asleep eventually without any drama; but now the CD player isn't working. Drat.

J. W.

As with all good parenting- trust your first response-instincts. Haven't we put that ol school and emotionally damaging "cry it out" theory to rest by now? Children struggle through different phases and the longevity and severity are tied to how well the parent can cope through it with love and consistentcy. Of course you should go in there. Or why not bring her into you bed until she regains some confidence and sense of wellbeing? 27 months is way too young to expect a child to naturally lay down on her own all the time and go to sleep alone. Be thoughtful and creative about your bedtime routine and ease her lovingly into sleep through transitions- low lights, stories, song singing, snuggling... Make bedtime a positive time for bonding. Find a routine that works and just keep doing it. She will come around. If that routine has a lot of dependency on you (like having her rejoin a family bed), slowly transition her to a more independence once the "crisis" of this phase/issue has passed. During our daughters "fit and tantrum" phases we learned that being in the room with her as a calm presence (like sitting quietly and still, not responding to her behavior, not getting angry, willing to hold her if that helps) letting her know we were there to help would de-escalate it. Children in a tantrum are scared of how out of control they are and a child as young as yours needs her parents to help her re-gain control. Above all- trust your instincts.

Hi J.! As hard as it may be, your husband has the right idea. I recently had the same problem with my 15 month old. As long as you give in and go into the room your daughter will control the situation. Everyday the time she spends crying will decrease until she dosen't cry at all anymore. Speaking from experience,this is definately something you want to get under contol before the next baby arrives.

I think you should definitely go in there and soothe her. Read books, tell her stories or sing to her. Have a solid and early bedtime routine. The routine might take an hour now but you can slowly cut it down from that once she builds trust again. It is a sacrifice because it cuts into your time with Hubby or TV time or you time but it is worth it!

She must be throwing a fit for a reason. I think adjusting the routine and spending quality time with her in the evenings with this will help and by the time the baby comes, she will have established healthy sleeptime~~