How Long Do You Stew in Anger or Being Offended?

Geez, I hate stewing. I really just can't do it. I think I let things got fairly quickly. It wrecks me physically (I become a bundle of anxiety) to stew. And you know, I just plain hate stewing. I have better things to do. I agree, it's not worth it.

I think when you take into account the amount of time required for it to be considered stewing I can safely say I have never stewed in anger. About five minutes is all the longer the what the hell just happened feeling takes to work its way out of my system.

I love how you say

The longer you wallow in it, the more depressing your life becomes.

I know I haven't answered your question, but actually YOU have helped ME today instead. I need to stop wallowing. You are so right.

(Sorry, rough day here today, my house is frowning)

Thanks, Sunny!

:)

My cousin had an aunt that didn't talk to her own brother for 8 years because out at a dinner, her brother pointed out that she had a sesame seed stuck to her lip (she was "mortified and embarrassed in front of everyone--all family"! LOL)
You never know.
Seems like you're still stewing about the slight from the past Christmas episode.....let it ALL go. (Although that was nasty what they didn't do).
What the heck would tick them off to the point that they'd punish you kids??!! (Are you SURE it wasn't a mix up?)

Hi Sunny D,

She may not be "stewing", she may just have decided she'd had enough of you and whatever you did and she "moved on" by moving you out of her life.

Chosing not to have anything to do with you or your family at Christmas may have been the healthy choice for HER. Just because YOU thought it was nothing and YOU wouldn't have made her decision, doesn't mean she is stewing, can't forget or her choice was wrong.

I think it's MUCH harder to drop it when the other person thinks what was hurtful to us is silly or no big deal to them and invalidates my feelings. If my feelings are acknowledged, even if you wouldn't feel the same way in the same situation, it makes it easier for me to "forgive and forget". If I am hurt or offended and "you" tell me I am being silly, or melo-dramatic, or you don't think I should feel the way I do.... well then it may take much longer for me to "get over it".

I don't work on YOUR (global you, not sunny d you) timeline. I work on mine.

Yes, "things get said when heated" but that doesn't mean I have to take someone's hurtful words and their excuse of "in the heat of the moment" over and over again. Sometimes I've had enough. Maybe it wasn't ONE thing you said, but the constant onslaught of little tiny digs that my sister has thrown at me for 40 years (well, ok she couldn't talk until she was 2, so 38 years). So that one time when she said something small, it wasn't that ONE thing..... it was the relationship and her as a person.... that I was done with. Ooops - look at that.... projected my sister right into your story. Enough about me.

Did you apologize for what you said, even though you felt it was no big deal?

I notice it's March and you're still "stewing" over the fact that she didn't get your kids anything for Christmas 3 months ago. Is that too long? Not long enough? Without being you or her it's hard to tell.

I try to forgive. I try to move on quickly. I try to not do anything that will hurt someone and if I do I apologize, even if I don't really understand what I did. I try to have conversation so that I can understand and not replicate my behavior that may have hurt someone, or I figure out why I did what I did and if I should keep this person in my life.
And then I make ammends or I dis-engage.

Sometimes that is a matter of moments or hours. Sometimes it is months or years to work through hurt.

Depends on the person, the offense and the partnership to heal.

Sometimes you have to wallow to wade through, because if you run and splash in your hurry to get over it, the muck gets in your face or all over your clothes. Sometimes you wallow, so that you can find the clearest path out. Sometimes out of the wallowing comes greater healing than ignoring or burying.

I hope you work things out with your family member. Since you know she was offended by something you said, you might want to be the bigger person and give her a call. Tell her you just found out you upset her and you're sorry you upset her. Tell her that wasn't your intention and you'd love to mend fences. Don't mention Christmas. Just mention that she's family and you'd like to fix it.

Just my $0.02

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ETA after reading your SWH: You put her in her place. She put you in yours. if she's your SIL, then your BROTHER (???) should have gotten your family gifts. The responsibility doesn't fall completely on her, right?

UPDATE
After reading your SWH - I would apologize if I were in your shoes. She may have heard "this is a family thing, and you're ONLY an in-law so you just won't get it". That may not be what you meant, but that is how your SWH struck me, and we ain't even related. :)

ORIGINALBefore I got sober, I held grudges for decades.

It's part of the 'ism'. I.E. - The world is all about me and anger and fear are good decision making tools.

It's still a work in progress, but I now can be angry and then let it go. Anywhere from 30 second to maybe a day or two.

I can stew for a lifetime. I think that the longer an offending person (or race, or gender or country or policy or ex-husband) acts like they did nothing wrong--the longer the anger.

I'm not a stew on it kind of person. I'm just too lazy for the most part.

HOWEVER, would I feel the same if someone from my husband's family basically told me "You don't get a say, you're just an in-law" (which is how your explanation in swh came off to me) ... probably not, I doubt I'd let it go as easily then. Especially if it wasn't the first time I'd encountered that attitude.

I don't think the relative is stewing anymore at all. I think they have an UNforgiving heart and they are clearly someone who holds grudges. And their passive-aggressive response to you was vindictive.

Depending upon the offense, I usually get over things fairly quickly. Unless it's with my parents, who have never been there for me in general, and then I can 'stew' for a few weeks before I heal myself and move on.

What you are describing is pathologic. Make sure that you keep that bizarre response towards you and your family in mind forever and with every interraction you ever have in the future.

I am sorry about the lack of Christmas presents. I would make sure to not exchange with them in the future. Or don't expect anything from them in the future.

People like this won't get. Don't get. Even if you humor them, forget it. Tell me, does this person have a sense of humor? Or is their general mindset rather negative and a downer?

I forgive rather quickly, but lots of people don't. My husband and his brother have not talked or seen each other in about 5 years because of an argument. It was an argument over money & some hurtful things were said. They have never met our daughter (their only neice or nephew in the entire world). I think its silly and that family should be more important, but I guess not everyone thinks like me lol. How sad that your family member is going to let this come between you. But you can't change someone else. Sorry you have to go through this.

That's why they always say to "forgive" because by doing so, it helps you, not them. Just think, you let it go, forgave, however, you want to say, and moved on, your other family member has been stewing on it for 3 years; who does it hurt; themselves, you moved on and got over it.

I'm like you, I forgive easily, some people don't understand how I can do it, but whatever the issue is/was, not worth me wasting my life as they have moved on, I want to move on too...

I think it totally depends on the person and the situation.

I am more like you. It takes a great deal to actually offend me. I just let things roll off my back. I just found out this past week that a friend and her husband have been upset with me and my husband for over 2 years. We had no idea. Their philosophy is that you have a cup that you let fill up with offenses until it overflows, and then you tell them all about it. What?!? If they had told us 2 years ago that we had offended them, we would have immediately apologized (even if we disagree about it, it's not about what we think, but that we hurt them), and never made that mistake again out of love for them. Now, I wonder what else she is holding against me! We aren't supposed to keep records of wrong. Either resolve it or let it go. You can't do both. It isn't good for you, nor is it healthy for any relationship. I think things grow in our minds when we let them stew. They become this huge insurmountable mountain of an issue rather than a pebble that was in the bottom of your shoe. Take the shoe off and dump the pebble and move on in peace! At least that's what I try to do. ;)

If I were you, I'd apologize and move on. You can't make her feel any particular way about the matter. So sorry you are dealing with this in your extended family.

I dont know. Normally, for me to be upset with something that someone did/said, its part of a larger problem that I have with someone.

I cant think of a time that I was upset with close family or friend - anything that I would stew over at all.

My SNL was upset with ME about something which I to me, was a non issue. I, in turn, was upset with HER for making an issue out of it. However, we have never had a close relationship. I'm pretty sure I was over the whole thing in a month or two and dont really think about it anymore.

I think you are right not to stew. If you want to address the issue, call and tell your family member that your children were disappointed and/or make arrangements to not swap gifts with them in the future.

Depends...

Unless you did or said something truly terrible...like something about their children, their race, or so on....then this is someone who has decided to marinate in bitter juices of their own making. Some people can do that forever.

If you were really across a line, then probably they need you to apologize or they'll feel like they didn't stand up for something or someone they love.

This is hard to respond to without knowing more.

For me, it would totally depend on the offense. Possibly I'd stew for 20 seconds. That's my usual time frame. But if someone disrespected my family or said hurtful things about my kids....bets are off.

I have to say, it depends on the level of hurt...but I have learned no matter what, if we can't talk about it and decide to accept it, we have to at least agree to disagree and move forward, especially when the whole family begins to suffer for it

I went through something very ugly w/ my sister last fall and it DID affect our whole family...and while she would not apologize for very hurtful things she said, for the sake of everyone, I asked her if we could agree to disagree and move forward and that I was sorry for reacting to the situation and hurting her at the same time. She did apologize and we did move forward, it was awkward at first, but we are mostly ok now. I will remember for a long time how she behaved, but can't hang onto it...hanging onto things only brings YOU down.

If your family member can not accept an apology (and yes, while you may not have done anything wrong, they still feel hurt by it and you can apologize for them having hurt feelings...it's the bigger thing to do.) then you did what you could and that's all you can do. It's on them to hang onto the hurt and anger and they will be the one's to suffer for it.

And no matter how stupid you think it is, it obviously isn't to them.

I guess it would depend completely on the issue. Since I have no idea what your particular arguement was about I can't really answer it. Yes, somethings I will be mad about for a long time. But I prefer to be mad at the situation rather than the person, especially because it tends to be my SO! I know that the person is usually not going out of their way to upset, hurt, or anger me - so again I'm mad at what they did and not who did it. It's hard for a lot of peopel to seperate the two. I've rarely found anyone who intentionally tries to hurt or upset other people, unless they're abusive or something.

This person must be very sensitive or extremely hurt. Perhaps you should talk to them about? Discuss your side and hear theirs with an open mind? Just because you think it isn't a big deal doesn't mean they don't. And that doesn't make you or the other person right or wrong; it's all just perspective.

I think for me it depends on the issue. I have had plenty of family members tick me off (I come from a large family). I usually just let it go there is not much that I let get to me and I also figure we are all individuals and do not think the same way.

Not getting a present or Christmas card is something that I would never be upset by. Don’t sweat the small stuff and maybe just talk to each other and find out why they are still upset.

Hmmm... it really varies. Not proud of that, but true. You really hit a chord with me when you mentioned the slight to your children. That definitely is harder for me than a personal slight. I never understood hurting children.

To answer your question, I don't stew in anger for very long. It's not my personality. I say what I have to say at the time, and I'm done with it. Holding grudges and being angry for long periods of time doesn't do anything besides make life hard for you. I am also a pretty direct person, so I don't the passive-aggressive thing like you have illustrated in your post. If I'm through with you, it won't take three years for you to find out about it.

I also don't let people ensnare me in passive-aggressive behavior. That is usually their goal (because they just can't be direct and say what they mean). So until they say what they have to say, they can go on with their little hint dropping that they're mad. I just ignore them until they decide they want to act like an adult. I will never ask them, "Are you upset?" because that's what they want me to do. Eventually, they'll stop.

It depends. I forgive pretty easily - just not a grudge type of person - but both my mom and sister hold grudges FOREVER so getting them to forget, forgive and move on is a totally different matter.

For example - my sister turned 30 a year or so ago and I planned a big trip for her out to visit me in Colorado. My mom bought the tics, I got us concert tickets for her favorite band (Dave Matthews) and we arranged a long weekend for her to come out and celebrate. She is childless and not married and I thought she'd love a chance to come out since she hadn't been able to visit in a few years. Needless to say - she didn't really want to come - wouldn't tell me straight out - and cancelled out on me literally 2 days before she was scheduled to fly here. I lost mymoney - I had to give away the tickets to the concert - and we had a knock down drag out "email battle" that was quite ugly. In the end I was over it by Christmas (the concert was for the 1st week of December) but she - in turn - would not speak to me in any way, shape or form for 6 months.

So - who was right and who was wrong? I guess we'll never know - but since I was the one that lost money, lost time and ultimately felt like my sister kicked me in the gut (I should mention during our email battle that she said spending time with me and my kids (her neice and nephew) was not her idea of a good time) I think she should have apologized to me from the get go...

Net net - we're still sisters (and you are still SIL in your situation) and even big hurts can be overcome with time and understanding - it's not all a wash.

Good luck.