How Do You Deal?

Hi J.,

First, you should reread what YOU wrote in "A Little About Me". It's beautiful, strong, and so positive. So, you have it in you already. Everything you need, you have it.

Second, you need someone to support you. You cannot be all things to everybody without having someone to lean on yourself. If I were you I would find a therapist who you really like and make weekly appointments. At the very least, it gives you a place to unload all that is burdening you.

Finally...give yourself a break. Allow time for crying, grieving, being angry, etc. You need that. Don't worry about how to find all of those things again; instead, focus on each day. Each day do ONE thing for yourself, even if it's just watching trashy t.v. after the kids are in bed.

I believe that the rest will come. But it will happen in its own time. Try to be patient. Concentrate on your beautiful children, your friends, yourself. You know the lyrics, "Love the one you're with"? That's you. Love you.

Although it may seem impossible now...the day will come when you will feel lightness and joy again. It really will.

<<<How do you find the strength to hide your pain from the kids and be the best mom?>>>

Allow yourself to feel your feelings, be real with your children. They know when someone is hiding something and sometimes can take it personally. No matter how young they are. Be honest with yourself and your children. Allow yourself the space to process your feelings. Follow our children's example. When they are sad; they cry it out. When they are angry; they yell.

Trust that you do not have to go through this trying time alone and only have to look up and around and ask. You will receive what you need exactly at the right time.

Peace

J., I'm afraid I have no advice to offer. I just want you to know that you're my hero! I don't know how you, or any single mom, makes it through the day! And with twins, to boot! I wish we lived closer so I could offer to help. I hope you have lots of family support. And don't be afraid to ask friends for help. I'm sure they'd be happy to.

Hang in there. Keep praying. You'll get through this. Don't be ashamed to use the resources that are available to you and your family. That's what they're there for.

My only suggestion is to not bottle up the "tears & pain & sorrow & grief & numbness & shame". Punch the mattress. Jump rope. Dance around the house for 5 minutes like a rubber band. Just find a way to release and send as much of that as you can away from you. You are an amazing woman. You can do this.

Hi J. A,

One Day at a time. :)

J.,

Why is it that some (not all) men can't handle the rigors of parenting, but leave their wives alone to do it? I'm recently divorced from a cheater that started straying shortly after my B/G twins were born. They're now 22 months & I couldn't have asked for better kids. They misbehave sometimes & I struggle to brush my son's teeth, but they're great. I try to stay positive by having goals & dreams for myself & the kids. I know things could be worse...I lost my first son due to prematurity (24 week gestation). If I could make it through that, I can raise kids alone. Yes, I have days where I'm at the end of my rope & have more hatred than usual for the ex. I just have a glass of wine on those days, take a deep breath, & go to bed early. Not to sound like Tom Cruise, but exercise helps me not feel so beaten up sometimes. For me, I never felt super in love w/ my ex & it was a pretty lousy marriage. So, I don't miss him at all, except for the little help he did give me. The tears just come when I'm stressed after working all day & the kids are acting crazy. I still don't have the trusting others thing down pat just yet. One day, I hope it will come. I'm skeptical of every guy I've met, which isn't a lot, sadly. LOL You're not alone!!! If you need some support, contact me at my email addy (____@____.com). Keep your head up. This is a challenge, but think of it this way. There's women with worse situations...think of raising five kids alone on one income! There's a lady at work doing it & I don't envy her at all.

Take care,
A.

Keep your head up! It sounds like you a strong women and a great mom! For you to even be asking the questions makes me think that you will make it!!!

Hi J.,

You are dealing with a major loss. The best thing you can do for you and your babies is to meet with a really good counselor who will help you work through your loss and the feelings that are associated with this major change in your life. Best wishes to you and your little ones. Peace.

J.,

SNAP OUT OF IT!!!! I read your section "A Little About Me"....You have an inner drive and a want to do all the things that will make you happy-GO FOR IT. And to answer your questions an "How?", you need support, you need friends, you need to keep you and your children very busy and preoccupied from the drama that surrouds you due to this transistion. When I say keep busy, I mean QUALITY TIME with just you three and nothing or nobody else. No housework, No errands, No phone calls, No worries about anthing but making those babies laugh so hard that they can't catch their breath.... Then, everything will fall into place. Believe me, because I speak from experience, they are not going to care that your house has a little dust, the laundry is a little high, the phone is ringing or your bills need to get paid. They only care about seeing you smile and SMILING WITH THEM. I face this challange everyday. It's NEVER easy to get over it but there's ways to get around it and adjust to this change. I would love to be part of your support. I'm in Hamilton Sq. I struggle as much as the next person so I completely understand what a rut you feel like you're trapped in. Message me if you'd like to get together or if you just want to talk to some one. If not, no biggie but take care of you and your twins before anything or anybody and everything will fall into place.

J.,

My heart goes out to you, I can see your pain. While it seems that everything may be crumbling right now, know that you are loved by those around you, this community of moms, and most importantly by God. He cares so very much for you J. and you can go to Him with anything. And when you are wondering "how," just know if you trust in the Lord, He will show you. I will be praying for you and your twins J..

God Bless,
C.

Therapy helped me. All the best to you remember there is always tomorrow.

I do want to say that I don't think hiding your pain or sorrow or tears or any emotion from your children is healthy. Children learn how to deal with their emotions by modeling; if they never see you dealing with difficult feelings, how will they learn to deal with them? Or worse, they may grow up thinking there is something wrong with them because these difficult feelings affect them so deeply and they haven't the first idea of how to cope. So my best advice is feel your feelings and allow them to experience you heal and learn from it. And, IMHO, the best way to heal yourself is to sit with your feelings, feel the feelings, give it some time. Celebrate the little victories of every day and recognize that time does heal many wounds. If that is not enough, I highly recommend seeking therapy to help you through.

I am sorry for your loss, and wish you and your children the best.

Honestly- you're my hero! I know you are going through absolute hell right now, but I see so much strength in what you've written here. Please find a fantastic counselor, someone who will listen and help you understand that you are actually handling this pretty amazingly.

I don't think anyone can understand being a single mom to 16 month old twins. But we all understand terrible pain, and wanting to protect our children and keep them happy. Toddlers really can't handle extreme emotions, like the grief you're feeling. But they don't need a super mom, either. They just need you: human, hurting, strong (even when you don't feel that way), and full of love for them.

You ARE the best mom. Take a look at what you're doing for them, at this time in your life. And find a therapist to talk to, ok? That one hour a week can make all the difference.

Hi J., I.m sorry you are in this position as I remember it well from many years ago. I was in my late 20's with 3 children. I was lucky to have some family nearby but mostly I prayed. I took one day at a time, always reminded my children that I love them and that we would get through this together. As for showing them that "I can't" is not an option...You already have. You are a lot stronger than you think. I know you can do it. Other women have and as time goes by you will get yourself back....an even stronger you. I will pray for you. There is a good God up there just waiting to hear from you. Just ask for help. Many Blessings, Grandma Mary

You know what has become my montra J., thanks to Alicia Keyes? I am a SUPER WOMAN! Being a single mom is something I truly admire and something your children will someday admire as well. It is hard work but you have to press on, minute by minute. I also like to say, If you take can't out of your vocabulary, you will see what you CAN do. Best wishes, and big hugs to you. Take care of you ok?

J., you may be going through postpartum depression and you have your plate full. You have twins and they are at an active age and you're working full time, you have a lot. About your kids to be proud of you, they will. Just be honest and tell them that you're sorry if you made a mistake so they can see that you're honest about yourself making mistakes and they'll understand that it's okay to say you're sorry if you make a mistake, but then it's over and not to be repeatedly done again and not to mention it in the future, it's done and over with. They will follow your example, not so much what you say, but by your actions so we always haveto be careful what we do and what we say in front of our children. You may want to talk to a counselor or check with your OB. Just be careful of medications for your depression some meds numb your feelings and that is not good. I took the antidepression and certain one because I was nursing at the time and my feelings were nukmbe and then I realized what am I doing here. I am allowing meds to try to help me and it's proven it's not effective for me. Jesus Crhist created me and loves me so much he took the time to create me and have desire to have a relationship with me as with you and your family. I have three boys all under 3 years of age. It was hard, but easier when I put my focus on Christ and let Him to help me. To be perfectly honest, Jesus Christ is my source of security and my hope for the future and is my joy! I am not alone so I can always go to Him...that is the truth and honest. He gives me the Wisdom I need to do things on a daily basis. Please understand too that you need to take care of each day as you live it. So, today do today and tomorrow has enough worries of its own and you'll be there tomorrow to deal with it. Please contact me if you want and I'll gladly be there to help you with the help of Jesus Christ through me. I'll be praying for you and your family and I'll pray that Jesus will give you His Wisdom if you ask Him to. Talk later, if you want.

Hi J.,

Sorry that you are going through so much right now. I have not been in this situation I am just giving you my opinion. I would say to do the best you can. I know we want our children to always see us strong however we are only human. I think it will come to you little by little. WHen we have big changes in our life I think that we want a quick fix but that is not always possible. Give yourself time to heal mentally and emotionally. It is ok to cry, sometimes it is the best way to heal. In time you will feel better again. I always believe that things happen for a reason and that thought has gotten me through some hard times myself. Try to believe in yourself.

Hope you feel better soon,
J.

Dear J.,

I was a single mother through divorce when my son was 19 months old (he is now 24). It was not easy especially at that time I was a stay at home mom. I really did not have any formal college education I went to beauty school. Back then you did not have many good daycare options so I was not comfortable putting him into a center. Staying home with a nineteen month old and not having a spouse coming home to take over was very stressful. I was on duty 24 hours 7 days a week. My X did not even come to see him. (most of why we divorced he was a disconnected dad) I think the fact that you are working is great because it will allow you time to recharge daily, not that I think that your situation is easier than mine its just different. I must admit I did go and talk to a councilor when I divorced and it helped to vent every week. I also joined a support group with women in the same situation which was so supportive. As far as hiding your emotions as long as you are not bad mouthing their dad it is okay to show emotions you are human. You do not have to be a rock everyday it will wear you down. Showing your children that you are strong yet not perfect will allow them to be the same. As far as trusting it will come to you again, just give yourself time. I know in my situation when I began dating It was so different because now I had a child to consider so my eyes were open wide. Believe me your instincts will kick in and when you see a jerk you will run. Its not like when you are single and you can convince yourself they will change, we all know they don't. You will get this inner strength from doing this on your own that you will only allow someone into your life that will enhance it not hinder it. If you do not have close friends and family you can talk to you have us at Mamasource we will listen. Talking is the best medicine. As far as shame you should have non your marriage did not work, I know now you feel like you have failed but remember you did not get here alone. If you continue feeling down please go talk to someone do not keep it in. You sound like a strong woman I know you will be fine just take one day at a time and try not to get ahead of yourself. Good luck!!!

This might sound trite, but I hope you know I mean this from the bottom of my heart - go to church. We're never alone, and I COMPLETELY believe that. I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. You can go here to ask any questions: www.mormon.org

If you like, you can browse through. There is also an opportunity to "chat" with missionaries who can answer all your questions. ("Ask Question Now")

I'm a twin, myself, and I KNOW we can be a handful. I recently moved to this area (from the West Coast) and I've found a support group at church for myself - friends and loads of women willing to stand in for my distant family.

Does that make sense?

It sounds like you have been through Hell an have lived to tell about it. I am sorry for what you are going through. Are you involved (I know with all your spare time right;{) in a parent support group, church, moms club, have some close friends or someone to confide in? If not you need someone to talk to. Sometimes even through employers you can get a counselor. A counselor could help you with coping mechanisms and help you deal with everything going on in your life right now. Some people are afraid to get professional help but don't be.
Last year in July I miscarried, August our dog of 15 years died, September school started and my daughter had big behavior problems, October 10th my brother was nearly killed in a motorcycle accident(he is still recovering but doing well) and Christmas day our horse of 28years died. To say the least I had landed on my head at rock bottom and could no longer deal with all the "little" things in life and the big ones. I got help. I have 2 great girls and had to get out of bed but there where times that is all I could do. The house was a reck, the dished and laundry pilled up and I didn't leave the house unless my husband made me. I fed, bathed and cared for the kids but it was no fun for them or me or husband. The counseling helped and I took anti-depressants for a few months and then weaned off them. Getting help was the best thing I did for all of us.

Please get some help because just coping is no way to live. You have "Delicious twins" and you and they deserve all the best in life. Go get help and you will have all the best: your health, your kids and your love for each other!!! God Bless!!! A.

Hi J.,
I'm not a single mom, but the heartache in your post compelled me to write. I've often thought to myself that as hard as it is to raise a child with a partner, it must be 10x harder alone! Plus, you've got twins!! Under too, I might add! So, first give yourself a break. What you are doing is super, super, super hard. Some times it will just feel harder than others. But, the sheer fact that you ARE doing it is amazing. Good for you for being a stand up parent! Be proud.
Next, it sounds like you need some help. Who are your support network? Family? Friends? Can you hire a mommy's helper? Cleaning lady? I mean, anything to just take the edge off your load. Getting help doesn't mean you failed, or you "can't" (per your profile). It means you're wise enough to delegate when it's appropriate. See what you can do about getting some help at home.
Next you SO need a girl's night out. Schedule a babysitter, call your friends and tell them it's mandatory, and get out there and enjoy a night to yourself! It'll do you wonders.
BIG hug for you!!!

Here are the things I did:

1) Rely heavily on friends and family. They have been there for me through every scary moment, sad moment, moment in which I questioned myself, my decisions, and gave me sound advice, or at the very least, an ear to listen and/or a shoulder to cry on.

2) Therapy. I was in therapy for eight months with a therapist who specialized in relationship counseling (not just people still together, but people going through a divorce too, and single, not always couples therapy)

3) Reading. I have a whole library of books I can recommend to you. Email me and I'll be happy to give you a list, if you're interested. I know what you're thinking, who has the time to read with 16 month old twins, trying to keep a household together with no help, working full time... trust me, you find the time for a chapter here, a chapter there, when it makes you feel good to read such books, and you look forward to making time to turn a few more pages.

4) Prayer. A VERY BIG one, don't be fooled by it being number 4. I have gained such strength and peace through prayer, and He has shown me signs and small miracles the whole way through my horrible journey (which I am still on).

These are the 4 biggest things that helped me get to where I am today -- a single mom of a 2-year-old boy who is the light of my life, who is happy on most days, and who is getting stronger and more self-secure every day.

Please, email me if you need any more advice.

Good luck,
D.

P.S. Oh, and listen to "Smile" by Lily Allen a LOT. That's my theme song right now! Ha Ha! It's on Itunes if you need to find it!

Day by day....

Thankfully the good Lord knew I would be strong enough to raise four children on my own with little help here and there. I hold on to that, because I have days when I feel like the walls are caving in and I just want to run. It's because of His love that I can go on.

I have days when I feel like I messed up and put myself in this single mom situation. I wonder what ifs and how comes..but all things work together for good for those who love and serve the Lord."(Romans 8:28)

Please don't get me wrong..everything has not always been sunshine and lolipops in my life. I used to drink and do drugs to cope in the '90's. I was a mess then I gave my life back to the Lord. I decided I could not do everything by myself and I was making things worse trying to change things that I had no business being involved in.

I do what I can and let God do what I can't....sometimes..I'm still a work in progress...lol.

Nanc

you go get help from friends, family and counseling for all of you

Oh my goodness!!! I applause you. To me there is nothing more amazing than a mother taking the role of both parents and having the energy to still improve their own lives in order to demonstrate that it is possible!!! You are the best!!! Now, in order for you to take care of them, you must always take care of yourself. First let me say that I am so sorry for your loss because that's exactly what it is. And I write this to you and don't mean to sound fake, I say it because I am you. This is not going to be easy. But if you would've stayed in a relationship that was not working, your girls would have felt it. Children feed off of you, so if you're sad, they're sad. In the beginning, I felt the same as you. After a while you just get numb. For me there was no staying positive, it was about being realistic. It took me a while to inhale what was going on if you will. Hiding your pain is hard. If you can do it, great! If you can't, don't lie to your children if they ask you why you are crying. But if you're not ready to deal with explaining yourself to children who are not old enough to understand the complexity of what you're trying to deal with, then you might have to learn to keep face. Time heals all wounds. It's been a couple of years. My son sometimes asks me questions, but I try to change the subject. Now I don't know about you and your situation, but I tried to improve myself to get my swagger back and show my son, anything you want is possible if you put your mind, heart, determination and self into it. I went to the gym, I went back to school and finished and I took time out for me. Pamper yourself once in a while. If you can't afford outside things (I understand it's hard in this time and with two kids)do stuff in the house. Take a bath, do a self mani and pedi. Things like that. Maybe you want to try yoga for relaxation to clear your mind. Maybe you need someone to talk to. I'm sorry for rambling. But I feel for you. I don't pity you, but I understand. I wish you the best of luck in your situation. If you need to talk, let me know. Keep your head up, be strong and be well!!!!

First of all, you need to realize that you can do this. it won't be easy, you will get lonely sometimes but you CAN do it.
You and the kids are your own family now. I realize it's not ideal for you and it's it's not what you wanted to have happen, but it did, so now you have to learn to look at it as a positive thing.
My kids were 2 1/2yrs and 13 months old when my ex left. I felt just like you, I was devastated and didn't know if I could get over it.
Trust me, you will.

Don't hide your pain from the kids, it's not fair to them or to you. You have to let them see you are hurt and that you deal with it. They need to learn how to do that themselves too, it's part of growing up. They already know you are upset, they can feel it, even if you try to hide it from them. And, if you try to hide it too much and not deal with it, you may end up yelling at them when you don't mean to. It happens, and you just have to learn to forgive yourself for these things.
As I said, you and the kids are a family now, just you 3. Don't worry at this point about when or if you'll have someone else in your life. The kids are the most important thing now. You can be both mom and dad to them, it's not easy but you can do it.
You have to deal with the grief, you can't make it all go away like it never happened. And you shouldn't feel shame. Did you do anything to make the relationship end? If so, forgive yourself, accept the responsibility of what you did and learn from your mistake. If not, then you have nothing to be ashamed of. These things happen and people deal with it daily. It just sucks when it happens to you.
You will learn to trust yourself again. You know deep down who should be in your life and who shouldn't. You'll recognize what is good for you and the kids and you'll know by instinct. Right now your hurt and pain is over riding your instincts and making you question yourself. But, have faith in yourself. Look at the good decisions you have made, focus on them. Know that you made good decisions before and you will again.

Just remember, your kids will grow up knowing you did all you could for them. My boys are now 16 & 17 yrs old. They remember what it was like growing up with me as a single mom and their bio-dad had nothing to do with them after the divorce. We are very close and they are very protective. We didn't have much when they were little, but they don't remember that. They just remember me taking care of them and loving them. They have grown up to be incredible boys, I'm really proud of both of them.
I met my current husband when the boys were around 5 & 6 yrs old, I had been a single mom for 4 years then. My husband and I got together, lived together for a couple of years, had a daughter and he later adopted my sons. They are now very close, they even call him their best friend. They hang out with him as much as they can.

Sorry this is so long, I just want you to know that it does work out. It just takes time. You have to allow yourself time to heal, time to grieve, time to adjust. You have to let your kids see you do all of these things. It helps them grow stronger and learn to deal with things too. They also have their own feelings about what is going on, even though they might express it by being cranky, irritable, crying, etc.
the best way to get through it is to deal with it with them. Love them as much as you can, cuddle with them, hold them and talk to them.
You will find yourself again. It might take some time, it might take a year or so. But that's ok. One of these days you'll look back and realize you did ok. you'll also realize you are a much better person and better off for it.

Good luck, I wish you and your kids well.

By finding someone to talk out your pain with, maybe a few someones. A support group, good and patient friends, a therapist or all ove the above. And most of all: Your kids will feel your sadness and that is alright. Hurting, feeling sad, feeling angry is part of life. As long as your pain does not express itself in nasty comments about the person who hurt you, your children's father I assume who will want a relationship with him at some point, it is all good.

Hey girl...i know what you mean...i am a single mother of 5 with one grand...and what i do is encourage myself...and stay on my knees and talk to GOD...for he is the one that keeps me...and I know he will keep you

Rule number 1 is smile, smile and smile. I know that at the beginning it will be forced but do it anyway. When you're in public smile at cashiers, people walking near you, say hello to store workers or anybody who goes anywhere near you. When I went through my separation, this is all I did. I also was left with two small children (mine were 4 and 2 y.o. at the time) plus I was on crutches. Not only was I going through a separation, but I had to be in a cast and crutches. But still, I smiled. As a matter of fact, I even came up with a new motto for myself..."If I don't laugh or smile, then all that's left to do is cry and I don't want to do that."

I know that it hurts. I remember running to the bathroom while at work to let some tears out, but after that I'd come out and keep on smiling to others even if sometimes I didn't feel like it.

I agree with others when they tell you that you have to take care of yourself so that then you can take care of your kids. In the end, they will see what a super mom they have got and appreciate you all the more for everything you will be doing for them. This is a very difficult thing to go through but this too shall pass.

May God bless you and your children. Never forget that he is by your side. You are not alone.

Hello, J..

You've taken the first step by asking others for help. Does your insurance offer a hotline where you can talk to someone?

Your a strong person and you will prevail.

S.

Hi, dear. I am sorry if I didn't quite understand from the cocktail of feelings you are describing if you are a single mother because your mate has run away or died. We have 2 different situations here, and I apologize again for not undestanding where we stand here. Anyway, whatever the case might be, I fully simpatize with you, but I have to tell you that those two babies will teach you a lot and will give you all the support you need to deal with it. You feel overwhelmed now, but they won't let you too much time to think about this stuff. As far as the shame goes, what shame are you talking about? You lost me completely here. What shame? Listen, you don't need to hide tears, you don't need to hide the pain. I think that would be a mistake. They should learn from us that it's OK to cry somtimes, it's OK to be scared sometimes, mom is not superwoman, she's just mom. Sometimes she cannot deal with everything. Sometimes she doesn't feel like playing or running to the park. And that's Ok. Also, the part with teaching your kids "I can't is not an option", do you realize the pressure you put on them just by saying that? I have two kids, 10 and 3, and I have learned in my life that just thinking the famous "I can do anything if I really want" doesn't work a lot of times. So, why would I raise them to think that way instead of thinking "if I do something that I really like, then I will do it well". Think about it.
I think you put a lot of pressure on yourself by trying to be the best mom, to achieve something spectacular so that the kids will be proud of you, etc. My advice to you? Just relax and enjoy your kids. THey will be proud of you, they'll love you for what you are. And as far as changing the world by raising amazing human beings, that shows how young you are! The world hasn't change for the better in a long, long time, it will always be Hell and Eden here on Earth, so, yeah, we should raise good kids, but let's not aim so high as changing the world, or we'll get as disappointed as we deserve!

You are HUMAN, remember? We are created to be relational beings, especially women. We are hurt most in relationships and heal most in relationships. Think about mathematical equations... you have been so very hurt by the relationship with the father of these babies and you need to add more energy to the other side of relationships- the brighter and stronger side. I don't suggest that this be a man b/c right now it'd be a recipe for disaster. I think the suggestions thus far (objective therapist, religous support group, mother or single mother network group) are all great ones. You are not being fair to yourself by expecting yourself to handle all this without the support you need. You must be an example to your children on being a person with enough strength to seek and get support when needed. Furthermore, you are and will be mourning the loss of relationship and vision that you had with it, etc. Look up some info on stages of grief (Kubler-Ross) and recognize how normal your range of feelings are and that eventually you will feel differently. I am a therapist (by the way) so please let me know if there is anything else I can do to help.. N

{{{J.}}} Big hugs for your pain. You have to take one day at a time, one tiny step forward. You already know you have to be strong for your twins, but you also have to find the time to be alone a grieve for your loss and then recover or at least learn to cope. I hope you have family to help, but if not maybe you can meet some other moms at the playground and arrange play dates or trade babysitting. You need a couple of hours a week to do something just for you.
Just remember we are all human and make mistakes and trust will come again too, but slowly. Just try not to make the same mistakes too often. <smile>

After my father died when I was 13, I moved from Jamaica into the USA at age 15 and my mother did not join me until I was 18. So I had 3 years with no parents, just an older, disinterested sister. So I know what it is to be out there alone, fending for myself----in a new country, no less. But it helped make me stronger. Today, I am in my forties and have two children who people often think are twins: a nearly-10 year old girl and an 11-year-old boy. I am now a motivational speaker, as well as an Executive Senior Sales Director for Mary Kay, Inc. My motto is never say, "I can't." If you'd like to chat sometime, give me a call at ###-###-####. I'm in Bergen County, NJ---a half hour from NYC.