Hard Time with Being Single

I'm sorry to hear that you are single. Many moms before you have done the same thing, either by their choice or by other circumstances. You have to figure out what works for you though.

My suggestion would be for you to get a schedule together for you and your child. Stay as close to this schedule as possible. Children as well as adults need structure.

Also, include some time just for you. Whether it include exercise, reading, or getting your nails done, whatever is your cup of tea. Just make sure to make time for yourself.

Keep in mind that your child will consume you with needs, and you need to be strong enough to make the right decisions for both of you. It does not matter who agrees with you or not, you have to make the right choice for you and your child. In essence, keep a journal to keep your raging thoughts on the side and to keep your stress level down.

Also, know that you will go through a depression phase and probably an anger phase. Try to keep that outside of your time with your child. That baby loves you to the end of the world and needs you right now. It may seem hard, but raising children is the best thing because they give you unending love. You need to return that to that child.

I am not sure what religion you are, but churches are a good resource as for community. Lots of moms at churches are single, or know someone who is. I would find a church or a womens group to join (or better yet, a playgroup) where you can talk your feelings out and have other moms give you good and bad advice to follow. It's up to you what you choose, but I know that I lead a few play groups where we meet at my house or at the Children's Museum or other locations so the kids can play. If you would like to join us, you are more than welcome. My email is ____@____.com'd love to have another mom. Our moms are all dealing with issues like yours, so let me know.

Other than that, I just say to take care of yourself physically and mentally. If this means counseling, please seek out a counselor. If you feel upset and need to get away for a little bit, try to find someone you trust to take care of your little one. It is not uncommon to feel overwhelmed with your responsibilities. And remember, it is okay to take a breather when you need to. Even if you have to count to ten on your porch while breathing fresh air. I don't know how many times I did that while my husband was traveling 6 weeks on and 1 weekend home-he would do his Nat'l Guard on that weekend and fly out on Monday. It was hard, but we made it through just like you will.

Keep your head up and know that you are not alone. Let me know about the play dates and know we would love to meet you and your little one.

Kim B.

Hi S.-
I too am a single Mom and have been so since my sons father walked out on us when he was 2 months old(his father has not seen him in 3 years). Although in my circumstance it is for the best, as he was abusive, it doesn't make it any easier. Please know that you are not alone, lean on your friends and family. Don't be ashamed to ask for help, even those who have both parents there need a break sometimes too.
I won't candy coat it, it is very hard to be rasing a child on your own, but YOU CAN DO IT, and be a great Mom. It is lonely sometimes, it is exhausting sometimes, but those are the times when you hold your baby extra tight and remember all of the joy and light they bring into your life.

The best way to deal with it is to have a support network. This may be friends, family, or church members, etc. It is very important that you have someone to talk to and someone you can call if you need a break. Find a good babysitter and go out either alone or with a friend at least every other week.
Right now, you are probably grieving the loss of "him" and the fact that you now have to do it alone. Being sad, and feeling like things are hopeless has a lot to do with why your day was so hard. Once you heal emotionally, it will get easier. Learn to live for your child and cherish every moment you have with him/her. Be sure you don't get so wrapped up in what you have to do that you miss your child growing up. Also, don't feel like you have to do everything. Mentally (or physically), make a list of priorities... For me, the kids come first, the house comes closer to the end. So, I play with and take care of my kids. IF I have time, I get to the house, but not at the expense of taking care of myself. Remember that the house will always get dirtier, but your baby will never get younger.

You know it is hard being a single mom with all the worries that come with it, some that you didn't always realize were there. And yes some days it would be so nice to place some of the worries and work on someone else's shoulder. But you know we all become single parents for various reasons. Some may seem minor to someone else and some may be very big major reasons. But whatever the reason may be it usually amounts to the same, we were not happy. Why live life which can be so short, unhappy?! Remember its ok if only you understands why you needed to be a single parent and it also okay if you don't fully understand either but know your instincts were what drove your decisions. Another good thing to keep in mind is that yes you get lonely and scared and etc but that there is someone better for you down the road when the time is right. I have always believed that just because you didnt click or work right with your exspouse doesn't mean their isnt someone better out there for each of you that will help and make you a better person and parent. Of course that is only when you are ready which is different for each person. I was divorced several years ago and almost a year later met my current husband that is so much better than my 1st was for me. My ex met his 2nd wife about 6mos or so after I met my new husband. Thankfully we both have been able to work it out with our daughter where she thinks its really cool cause she has 2 houses, moms, and dads. Plus thankfully my ex, our spouses, and I can all get along for the most part. It was rough at first ironing out little stuff but I have had to learn to only sweat the big stuff such as communication on plans and to teach my daughter to talk to her dad about things that are or happen between them such has when he doesnt call or show when he says. ( She is 9 yrs and smart for her age so we have started having her tell him how she feels instead of just my husband and me.) Right now you need friends, family, local community groups, etc that keep your mind busy. The ymca has programs. There is a MOPS program. Join a online thing for finding friends if need be or u want to. If you have friends, call them. A good friend or family memeber is going to understand you being more needy or whatnot for a while. Oh and if your ex has visitation and is using them, use that time for yourself. Even if you stay home and take a bath or play video games or bake cookies or the list goes on, learning and accepting its ok to have time for yourself, in moderation or we would go nuts anyways, is i think one of the biggest and hardest step to make. Good Luck on your new path and remember it will get better! B.

I'm sure that being the holidays isn't helping much...it is hard. When I became a single mom of 3 kids ages 3, 6, 9 there were some rough times, and then eventually the good times outweighed the bad and hard times. Time heals all wounds, and this is going to get less painful for you over time. I'm not sure what type of support system you have? Parents? Friends close by? Church groups? I know for me being near my best friend and my parents really helped a lot. They picked up the pieces a few times. It benefited me to get some counseling during the rough times so that I kept healthy boundaries w/the X. I felt a lot better after going through my struggles of the week with someone who wouldn't judge him, or me....but gave me some tools to use, and helped me grieve. The counseling also ended up being a lifesaver when I entered into another relationship and helped me resolve the baggage I then carried into that marriage. Happily 18 years has gone by now and all the pain and heartache from my first marriage is but a distant time in my life....but I do still remember well the times when I sat where you are now....I wish you well. Not sure how old your child is, however, if it is very young, that is a blessing because s-he will not remember living with you both, therefore, won't be as hard on them as they go from home to home. Babies do get a bit more testy and don't know why...they are affected, but not to the degree older children are. Have a Happy Holiday season among your friends and loved ones.

I went thru a similar situation several years ago. Only I made the mistake of letting myself get very depressed and I did not give my son the attention he needed as a result. Not saying that I was a bad mom, just not as attentive as I had been before. I finally went to a counselor and he gave me some of the best advice I have ever had. He called it "ANTS" - Avoid Negative Thoughts. Basically instead of dwelling on the negative and how lonely I was, etc. I had to work at putting the bad thoughts out of my head and focus on the positive. Sometimes just getting up, putting my son in the stroller and going for a walk would do the trick and really help improve my frame of mind. It is very important to take care of yourself physically as well - eat right, take the time to put on makeup, fix your hair etc. It is amazing how much better you feel about yourself from simple things like that. Also, a routine can really help both you and your child. Try to get up at the same time every day and do the dinner/bath/bedtime routine at the same time every day. It really helps give order to your life and gives you something to focus on doing next rather than sitting and thinking about how your life is falling apart. I wish there was a magic wand we could wave to take pain away, but we can't. It will get better with time though, and you will be stronger for it.

Hi,I am in the same sitution.try to find time for yourself.Get a sitter if you need to.Try a church in your area.Try to find activities that keep you busy and other activities that keep you both occupied like home movies or at the theatre.I tend to try to stay busy in the community.I try to do free or low cost activities.Try look on meetup.com for groups for you and your child together and seperate.Try to see if family can help.Find friends and family to call when you are having a hard time.I pray and read my Bible,watch tv or movie,call someone and read.Have a friend or family visit you.The important thing is to stay in touch with friends and family.Don't hibernate that makes it worse.I try to keep myself really involved in my daughter and time flys.I am divorced and it took less than a year.The internet and magazines have helped me too.I sometimes clean and it helps me cope.Important is you really need to have your own time and keep busy into your kid or kids by playing with them.I struggle with it too.Best wishes.K.:}

It WILL get better, S.-- I promise -- ( I raised 3 children--mostly alone). There are no more arguments about how to discipline- you get to decide-- yes that can be lonely- but there's no fussing about it-. You get to decide which way to shape everything--- there's no one to critisize you-- I pray for you that there is a group of friends- or relatives- someone to lean on --

we're here-
Blessings,
J.

I have been there. I found myself becoming a single mom when my son was one. All I can say is hang in there, it will get easier. Even though this may not be the idea of how you would raise your baby, it is that baby that will get you through it. If you want to talk more go ahead and send me a message!

I'm just a step behind you. The papers aren't signed but I know it will be soon. I've already been acting like a single Mom for a couple of years anyway. He has been working away from us for over nine months now. We just saw him for 3 days and now won't again till sometime this spring. If you don't already have a great circle of women friends, find them. Through online support groups, Mommy groups in town, just through work what ever. No matter what our situation, us women have to stick together. So just remember, you are not alone, ever. There are plenty of us that are with you in spirit if not physically. Also, if you want a different kind of Church, Universal Unitarians accept everyone. Even agnostics like me. I know Christmas has got to be hard to face without him. I'm feeling the same way. For 12 years, we've done it together (well for about an hour anyway). And now he's 2,600 miles away. It's just a new routine. You'll have your moments but in the end, you'll find your brighter tomorrow. Journals are great resources for 2 am bad dreams but nothing beats a good cup of coffee/tea with a good friend. Hang in there. Things will get better.

It is tough to give up something that was part of your daily life and then start a new path. But you make that new path yours. You have your baby, your joy, your happiness and the one you love unconditionally.

I have been divorced for over year and half now. I felt like i fell off the face of the earth. But my sisters, cousins and my friends were there for encouragement, support and loved me no matter had happened.

Take it one day at a time. You have your family or those close to you to help you raise your baby. Your not alone. Be strong and all the pieces will come together soon.

Hi S.,
Yes, you are a single mom now but you are not alone! You have your baby. You have each other!!! Look at his/her eyes and if you look for long enough and you love her/him much enough, you will find the inspiration and the power to cross oceans and lift up mountains. Yes, you are a single mom, but you are not alone!

Hi S.,

Breathe. Sometimes that is the best you can do. But also dont forget to remind yourself that this is the best for you and your baby. I dont know anything about your personal situation, I can only talk about my own. But being a single mom was the best thing that ever happened to me... in retrospect of course. :-) I was single for 7 years but without that time alone I would not have helaed and grown and been open to finding my husband who is also the perfect father for my daughter. You are a brave strong woman.
Be peaceful.

Being a single mom is hard, but it will get better. When I felt down, I always surrounded myself with people, even if that meant going to the mall or grocery store. It's also good to have friends/family that you can call when you are feeling down. Good luck.

I am so sorry for your loss. One helpful thing would be to have your best friend, sister, mom, whoever is the most supportive stay with you for awhile to help you with the baby and to make sure you get good sleep and lots of hugs and support. Take Care; A. Marie

I am so sorry for your new circumstances. It certainly is not easy. You are going to feel down for quite awhile until you get use to it. Your baby needs you most and you'll have to put all of your energy there. I raised 2 boys like a single mom most of the time. My husband worked nights all throught their growing up. It is hard, but you will get a routine going that works for you. It can be done and you can make it work. Be strong and love yourself enough to take care of you, too. Do you have any relatives or good friends that may step in and help out for awhile? If you keep yourself busy with others, it will help your loneliness.
Love your baby up and feel the love in return. One day at a time sweety. You'll be OK. If you need just to talk and share, we are all here for you. You are not alone.

I have not read the other posts yet so here is my opinion/suggestion. I was a single mom when my first was born and I was 21. I thought I would never find someone with a baby. I just decided that my daughter and I would make the best of it. I think that we were very very close because she only had me. She slept with me ate with me took baths with me, we did everything together. My life revolved around her and our bond was amazing. My family was my biggest help and supporter. I was not expecting to have a relationship and one day it just happened ( it happened when I was not expecting it). When it is just you, you make all the decisions. I did everything my way. Our time when she was a baby was special. Remember your child still needs you so take a break get some adult time in with friends and keep your head up. Join some playgroups so you have other moms to talk to.

stay positive

S.,,,,,I 'm sorry to hear that you are alone now,, don't freak out,, you will be just fine,,, I'm a 53 year old mama and Gramma,, and I raised 3 alone,, until I met mt love that I have now,, but any way,,all you need to do is keep on the mama source,, and let us all know what you are needing to know,, we all here for you,, at least I am,, my personal addy,,, ____@____.com,,but you can do it,, you will meet some one ,,in time,, until then I am here for you,, just get books to read,, go to the library,, call some friends,, they will help you too,, having a man around isn't always the best answer,, now you just need to be you,, the mama you are to your baby,,,, and you will do it,, have any questions,, D. is here,, just email me,,here or at my addy,, take care,, you will be fine,, D.,,,, oxoxoxoxoxo

Live one day at a time. Don't dwell in the past. And make things good for today, that will make things better for tomorrow.

Seek out a support group of single moms. Hopefully it will be professionally lead so it will not be a pity group.

If you start to feel sad and sorry for your self, which we all do and have a right to do, set the timer, for say 10 minutes, maybe 15.

Get a diary, and write it down. It is hard to write down down how sad and fearful we are every day. After we write our sadness and fearfullness down, try finding a way out.

You can't stay there forever, you have a child to care for.

And you are not alone, many of us are out here. Many of us have walked in your shoes, with bad days and good. It is tough, and it will make you tough. Your heart will grow big and stronger than you ever thought it could.

Blessings, W.

Hi S.,

I have had many friends who have struggled with being single moms. Although I cannot speak from personal experience as a single mom but as a mom, I know that it is easy to feel isolated and lonely or alone and that no one else has problems especially like yours; that everyone else seems to have it together. BUT this is not true. As Moms we all struggle with issues of loneliness, self esteem or doubt. There is one person who can fill up your lonely place and be with you through you loneliness. I know because I have depended on him when my husband traveled all the time and I was home alone with an infant, a two year old and a four year old in the country. I will pray for you in this difficult time. G.

Turn on the Radio and Dance to some music and know that the sun will shine again, and keep your little one happy, smile and don't let things get you down, you will have to move on either way so make the best of it.If you need someone to vent Iam here for you, i have one daughter and been married for 25 years, things get lonely even when you are married.
I lost my mom and and she was my best friend.
So i could babble on and on about how many people i have helped, but i want you to know that i love to do it and hope we can talk you csn e-mail me at ____@____.com not thats o.k. too. Sincerely lori

i know this is an older post but i just recently joined and this is a topic i am familiar with.
my thoughts are certainly with you right now. i've been a single mother and it's the hardest, most challenging, most rewarding thing i've ever done. i am so sorry that you are experiencing so much pain right now and i know there is nothing i can really say to help you feel better. i do have some tips for you, though.
allow yourself to feel. you are entitled to your feelings. but, don't allow those feelings to own you. feeling is healing, but letting your feelings control you is letting go of control over your life.
breathe. a lot.
take care of yourself, which is something so many moms (let alone single moms!) forget.
enjoy your precious little one. sometimes, that might require finding a sitter so you can have some time to yourself. and don't ever think that you don't deserve that--we all do! sometimes, all it takes is a break for you to really appreciate what you have in your life.
network if you can. find a group or an online bulletin board for single mothers, or reach out to your friends and ask them if they can give you a hand. not everyone will know what you need, so you might need to communicate to let them know that, hey, i can't deal right now and i need some help. that leads me to my next tip, which is don't be afraid to ask for help, and don't be discouraged by no.
realize that you are a whole person, with or without a significant other.
remember the joy in the world.
remember that some part of you will always love some part of the man you are no longer with and believe it or not, that is so incredibly normal, no matter how bitter the feelings between you guys!
you are loved. know it.
best of luck to you on your new journey.

S.,

All you can do now is to focus and place all your energy on yourself and your child. You'd be surprise how much that will occupy your time. Stay positive. Surround yourself with all those you love and continue making friends along that way.

Feel free to contact me thru here if you just want to chat or if times you want to get together.

Sincerely,
J.

Married or single we all have thoses days where we feel sad and alone. Call a friend and go out lunch or have a play date so you can down load. I hope you have tried some counselling before you bag it all together.. you didn't say. My husband and i really struggled after our daughter was born. We (both of us) weren't having any fun and were seriously polorized on a couple issues. All we did was work, not sleep and fight. But we went to counselling and started get some validation on both sides. I finally felt hear and I started listening to what he was saying without just rolling my eyes (poor him and his life changed w/ new baby). We started going out together once a week and we couldn't talk "shop". You both still have a wonderful new life to help build as a mom and dad even if you aren't a couple. And please no flames but Dads are important and just because they suck as a companion doesn't get them off the hook. HOWEVER ALL BETS ARE OFF IN THE CASE OF ABUSE!!! NO ONE SHOULD HAVE TO LIVE WITH ABUSE..PERIOD. You didn't say so I'm assuming that is not the case.

Keep your head up. In the tough times, turn to your kid(s) and they will be your light to pull you through. Stay strong, it's okay to have good and bad days. I've been a single parent most of my childs life and it was not by my choice but am thankful for it now.

I don't have the experience of being a single mom, but I wanted to respond to you because my heart goes out to you. It is probably the hardest thing you have done thus far in your life. But, you can do it, and you have to for your baby.

I just want you to feel the support of people, even though you are not seeing them in person! I hope you can have a Merry Christmas with your little one.

Please hang in there. Things will be better. Just take it one day at a time, or one hour at a time if that is what it takes.

Hi S.,
I know how you feel. I had 2 boys, 1 and 2, when I became single and I still loved the man even though I could not live with him. Just think about each day one at a time. Dont look into the future as it just seems to overwhelming for you right now. When you are at home, focus on your child and the daily chores such as meals, baths and picking up around the house. At work, focus just on the job. It helps to forget if only for a bit and just do the job. Time will lessen the hurt and you will become confident in yourself and know that the only person you are dependent on is yourself. It is a great feeling. Take care of you.

Hi S.,
I'm a single mom and have been since I was about 5 months pregnant. It sucks going through the emotional stuff about losing a lover?husband?friend?person you counted on?, but it's actually been a little easier bc I have my daughter with me and don't feel so alone. I think the thing that's helped me more than anything is having a very structured schedule and routine. Specifically, my daughter goes to bed by 7:30 at the latest every night, and has since she was an infant. I know at some point this will change, but she's still only 2 so it's still very appropriate. This is crucial for me because it gives me time in the evening to myself to get whatever I need to done and still get to bed at a reasonable time. Keeping myself rested is absolutely essential. Also, extra planning as far as meals, food or travel are indispensible. It's ALWAYS worth it to plan ahead at least a couple of days. (I'm not a natural planner, but it really pays off!)
I hope this helps a little---also, schedule yourself some time each week to get the things done you need to, or just to rest or do art or go for a walk or whatever you like to do, WITHOUT your child! Keeping your sanity as a single parent actually takes a fair amount of effort, but it's been truly rewarding for me, and I'm almost loathe to find someone else, which I NEVER thought I'd say...
Good luck and best wishes in the new year!

I read a lot of the posts and I started crying. What you are doing right now is one of the hardest things you will go through - but it will also be the most rewarding. I will find your groove and it will start to flow smoothly. In some ways it was easier raising my daughter after my husband walked out when she was two weeks old. I got to do what I wanted and when I wanted and didn't have to deal with his issues or messes or family. I got to make all the decisions and you will feel empowered again. Find your friends and girlfriends and make them part of your family and you and your baby will never feel alone again. We are all there walking behind you making sure you don't fall - don't forget that.

T. (seattle/kenmore area)
____@____.com

Remember what makes you unique!

You hold in your arms the most wonderful person in the world that feels the same about you!

Listen to music you love - sing and/or dance!

Treat yourself - hot bath, candles, glass of wine!

Get in the shower - scream & cry - just let it out!

I'm sorry this is happening to you right now even if it is for the best! Are you a part of any local mom groups or meetup.com? They would both be great resources for you and all the moms I've met are very supportive of one another. Good luck to you!

Hi S. - I'm a single mom too and remember the fear and depression of being alone with a little one. My daughter was a toddler at the time and is now almost 5. There were a few things that helped me through. One was remembering that I am the perfect Mom for my child. God won't give you more than you can handle. The second thing is that I think it is a blessing that my little one will grow up thinking life is "normal" having divorced parents instead of being shocked later in life when parents split up. So those were the two things I focused on to remind myself I could do it. The last thing was that I went to my doctor and got a little help for being depressed. It was hard to do but helped immensely. Ask your friends and family for help - people want to help but don't always know how to help the best. Sometimes it is still hard for me but soon you'll realize how strong you are and that you really can handle all this! I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.