How Do I Tell My Husband.... - Hazel Park,MI

Step 1)

Asking for something is NOT a game.

Honestly, he sounds a little spoiled.
I'm not saying you are doing the wrong thing by being an attentive wife and mom, he's just being immature.

I suggest you take a week and go somewhere, maybe even a wknd..... he needs to be able to "miss" what he's getting. He's taking it for granted.

For him not to want to talk to you about it when you ask for a little attention means he's either super stressed out (but shouldnt be, sounds like he has a great place to land at the end of the day) or he's just a spoiled ... and you need to teach him to appreciate it by disappearing for a time so he realizes it.

If doing for him feels less satisfying to you, ween some of the things out so you arent so weary. A lot of times we love doing good things for someone, but all things get a little old after a while whether they appreciate it or not. When it's not satisfying for you anymore, just stop. If he wants it again, you then have a bargaining tool to work with.

I agree with ES-- time to take care of you a bit, not to the neglect of your husband, but it's certainly time to take a look around and see the forest for the trees.

He's not reciprocating. He says he's tired. That's okay. Do you have the money to schedule yourself an inexpensive massage, even from a nearby massage school?

Here's the thing-- I used to do many of these extras for my guy, but it didn't work because I wasn't feeling 'met' in these efforts. (Granted,, at the time he was working a hellish job...) But I realized that it was better for me to stop doing some of the extras--unless I was really in the mood to do them-- and not be mad at him for not giving me back rubs, nice dinners, etc. My husband is awesome at supporting our family, but when it comes to backrubs, he his hands get 'tired' real fast, and I can tell you *exactly* what he's going to make for dinner the one night a week he makes it-- every time. The point of it all is, he considers 'loving you' as going out to work every day, and he may need for you to spell out your needs for him. Don't forget--don't confuse wants for needs.

If this continues, go talk to someone. Try to see his perspective, and a counselor may help him be able to relate to yours as well. If he's saying he doesn't have time for 'games', ask yourself if you are being straightforward with him. I'm not excusing what he said, but when we hint around and don't directly tell our spouses what we need-- well, we have a saying for that in our household too: "My mind-reading capabilities are not quite working today. Could you spell it out for me, please?"

Wow! You are a saint! You should try doing you for a while and quit worrying so much if your husband is happy. Maybe he would appreciate you more if you stopped doing everything you do for a while! Take some time for yourself, you deserve it!

sounds to me like he is under pressure, stressed out ,etc...AND doesn't appreciate all you do for him.

barring trying to have a serious discussion with him, which has failed -it sounds like maybe a mediator would be helpful. do you go to church? our pastor helped us with a couple meetings. all he really did was put us on our best behavior (imho) and make sure we spoke to each other respectfully. (neither of us would be angry, bitter, or snarky in presence of our pastor!) he also guided us to some helpful verses and reminded us to LISTEN to each other. it was that easy, seriously. counselling of some kind would probably be really helpful.

but yes. he's spoiled. you treat him VERY well. if all he has to do is go to work and come home and go to bed and you do everything else? oh yeah. spoiled rotten and very unappreciative.

PS i also agree with the ladies who suggested just ASKING him. have you tried that? so many men don't respond to "hints" or what we would consider common sense ("i do x, y, z, for you out of love, you should obviously do the same to me if you love me"). point blank asking is most often the best way to get what you want. my husband is DEFINITELY this way.

I am sorry you are going through this. I, too, have trouble communicating with my husband and it's up to me to get the dialogue going and the timing right.

On the other hand, I am grateful that we have an egalitarian relationship. He helps out a lot and is engrossed in DD's life.

It sounds to me like you need a break and to stop trying to please him so much. A part of your post sounds almost too cookie cutter, i.e. providing hot meals, pleasuring him, etc. If you want to do all that great, but if you're doing it in hopes of getting something in return, than that is not going to work.

You have to change your own behavior and put some time and energy back into you.

Good luck.

There are four books that come to mind that may really help you:
The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. It helps you identify your love language and discover his as well. It makes you think differently about how your spouse ticks and how you respond to things as well. Great book.

Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. This book states that women respond best when they feel loved and men respond to feeling respected. It could very well be that your husband feels guilty about having to work such long, yucky hours to provide for his family, so when you approach him about it, he feels defensive. Not that you are nagging or "playing games" but this book (and I hear the workshop is phenomenal) helps couples learn how to respond to each other in ways that make them feel appreciated. (www.loveandrespect.com)

A good friend of mine loaned me the book His Needs, Her Needs by
Willard F. Harley, Jr. It is amazing. When I read it, it was like Yes! Yes! Yes! Exactly how I feel! It outlines what a woman needs to feel validated and fulfilled by her spouse and the same for a man as well. The only thing that threw me with this book is that the tagline says how to build an affair-proof marriage. I am no where near the point of cheating on my husband or leaving him, etc. but every relationship takes work and to keep it healthy and strong each person needs to do his/her part to keep it that way.

Finally check out the book Boundaries by Henry Cloud. It sounds like you have your heart in the right place by holding down the fort with all your kids' needs and your husband's needs, but wearing yourself out in the process. That doesn't sound healthy. This book may help you find a better balance so you can keep your sanity and not be resentful towards the one you love. Good luck and God Bless!
HTH,
A.

Start talking to your husband instead of doing countless favors. Make him part of the family. Talk to him, communicate with him, and ask him what types of things he'd like for you to do to show him affection. Then you can tell him the same. Don't expect him to read your mind, and stop pretending that you're able to read his. Stop trying to do absolutely everything and realize that you need help in the home. There's no such thing as the perfect wife and mother. You're allowed to expect him to help out without walking on egg shells. You're allowed to have expectations of him without him snapping at you. But you've trained him to expect the opposite. We teach people how to treat us, and honey, you've taught him well.

Get the book The Five Love Languages.

So...where do I begin. First off he is so spoiled he doesn't even know it!!!!! Your question is how do u get him to start being attentive to your needs. If he can't do that after you have asked or told him what you need, then he needs to stop getting spoiled by you, plain and simple! Stop it, he'll notice and maybe then he'll be more up to sitting thru the discussion instead of storming off and getting frustrated with you. And honey, I'm so sorry, but there is NO reason both of you shouldn't be "pleasured" during sex/intimacy! That is one selfish spoiled man!!!!!!!! I hope this works out for you. I can only imagine how u feel 😞.

honey dont you think you are expecting too much from your husband? if you do favors to your husband or anyone in particular dont ever expect for a return favor.. it must come from the heart.. you do it because you want to do it, you do it because you feel like doing it...

but if he's sweet and all before and suddenly he's become like this then there might be a problem..

"he doesnt love me as much as I love him.." is such a selfish statement.. love should be unconditional never judging how one loves or show how he or she loves..

Tough situation. My husband can be hard to talk to at times as well. I've found that timing is everything. And if he has a beer or two before hand, that makes talking even better.

I think it's commendable that you want to be "duty"-full and take care of him. The footrubs? Eh I would never touch my husband's feet, ESPECIALLY if he's not going to return the favor. Notes? I give them to him. I haven't seen one back in years. Back rub? He hadn't rubbed my back in years until I ASKED him earlier this week. Sometimes guys just don't get the hints. Or they DO get the hints but they don't want to rub your back. I asked. He rubbed. It felt great. I said thank you. Next rub I will probably have to ask for, but hey, I am learning that sometimes I just have to ASK.

Normally guys want to feel all manly and good about thmselves having pleasured you. Perhaps your husbands point of view is that you are too hard to pleasure, so he's given up? I am not sure how to bring this up with him. I get pleasured about half the times that husband does. So at least he tries.

This is a hard one. Your husband has become selfish and there is no good way to tell someone he is selfish. I would not try. I'm sure he works hard and is not used to doing anything for you. Decide today that YOU are responsible for your own happiness. Do not wait for him. Stop arguing that he needs to do more for you. Find a hobby that will make you happy, a volunteer position, something you enjoy. Schedule it for when he's home with two kids if he says he cant babysit, hire a babysitter. Schedule some time with your 16b yr old babysitting, pay her! Do NOT ask, just do. Stop being an unhappy martyr. This took me a long time to learn. I thought my husband should be doing more to make me happy, doing more to help me take care of my health. You will be a better mom and a better wife, what more do you want than that? I disagree with anyone calling you selfish for wanting more! Dont wait for him to stop treating you like a door mat, Stop being a door mat. With 4 children you work as hard as he does,but no one (except us here) will respect you for it. Until he has done your job for days he will never realize you work hard. You have to pamper yourself because you work hard! You have to go to bed at a decent time so you will be a better mom and wife. Become stronger, healthier and happier, respect your self more, as an example to your children and he will love and respect you for it!

Hi K.,

If it were me (and God knows I don't do half of what you do), I would very slowly back off from some of the favors that you're doing. Eventually he will notice, and if he does love you and appreciate you, he will then be willing to talk about it. Because, in his eyes, things are pretty perfect for him and he doesn't see why anything should change. Make them less perfect and he'll notice.

Best wishes!

We can sense your sadness and frustration from your words. I agree with using the extra effort you are putting towards your husband for yourself. Instead of jumping in the shower with him/rub his feet/etc.., do your nails or make laundry (or whatever). That way he will have to ASK for some private time with you and will realize how precious that is. Not saying you must withdraw yourself from him, just gently remind him that you are important, and so is to nurture your relationship. Right now you are the only one doing this job: if you stopped, what would happen? You are a a good wife and he's being superficial. I would also recommend him to talk to some of his male friends and ask what THEIR wives do for them. He's living in his own head right now, not seein much else at all. Try and see if he wakes up to the world. Good luck.

Was he like this before the marriage and kids?? I'm guessing he was. And I'm guessing you were very giving to him too. So nothings changed. You keep thinking if you keep doing X, Y, and Z for him he will get the point and do it for you too. It doesn't work that way. He is who has always been (guessing cause you keep saying he NEVER does these things).

Have you asked him for a backrub, or do you just sit and wait for him to hopefully give you one?

Go to bed when the kids do. Get your rest so you can take care of them.

I know this can be so frustrating, but I think part of the problem is that women and men have completely different needs. You NEED love from him, so you show him love. But, though men do need to be loved, they have a much greater need for respect. And, the way we women show respect is often not what men perceive as respect. Even worse, the way we show love may be perceived as disrespect (for example, you do all of the chores, make dinner, take care of things around the house for him, to show your love. He may perceive it as being mothered, which could come across as disrespectful.) I'm sure your husband knows you love him. He may not know or think that you respect him.

Try this: write a letter to him about all the things you respect about him. He works hard. He takes care of the family. He's faithful. He's a leader at work. He's intelligent. On and on. Don't even think in terms of "love".

Does he have a hobby? Next time he is engaging in his hobby, just sit with him. Don't worry about talking to him about it, or even asking him questions. Even if it's watching a game on TV, your presence with him in his hobby will validate him.

I know it feels like a one-way street right now, and I'm telling you to give more. But, he may be feeling the same. He may be feeling that he gives you a ton of respect, and never gets it back. He may not even be able to pinpoint why he's feeling unfulfilled (since our culture talks all the time about love in a marriage, but very little about respect). He may feel like he works hard all day, and once he gets home, you just complain about what he's not doing (I'm not saying this is accurate. I'm just saying it might be his perception) - thus the comment about just trying to keep everyone happy.

So, you could even stop doing some of the things you are doing to try to "please" him. Only do them if they energize you. Start focusing on showing your respect. Don't criticize or correct him. Don't give unsolicited advice. When he makes an insightful or intelligent comment, tell him so. Tell him that his company is lucky to have him and that he is head and shoulders above his co-workers.

Then, just wait. Hopefully, he will respond to your respect with love.

Well the way I look at it is two made the children two share responsibilities. House life emotional or physical. He is so use to u n him having u one way street that he's offensive. He doesn't want things to change. U need to sit down with him n say with out arugumenting you want to talk. Take the floor tell him how u feel than after say u want with out him getting aggravated to hear his side n his feelings than work on a medium. Because u keep going like u are n you can handle it than fine but I wouldn't put up with it. Do it with out kids plan it for his next day off.