How Do I Keep Positive?

wow Pam, I feel like I wrote that request! It is nice to know that I am not the only going through this!! I look forward to reading the responses you get. Thank you for being so brave and writing this request. from another mom of 3under 4 years old!

Hi

We all feel like this at times--you are not alone.
Sometimes you have to let the house go a little & take time to take the kids to the park, pool, just go outside & have fun. Have you been to Peace Valley Park Chalfont
or Lake Nockimixon?

Remember--nobody's perfect

Good Luck
D.

DEAR P.:

I am sure that we as mom we have been there at one time or another. For me as I work full time, raise tWo teenage daughters, try to keep a house clean, and be a wife at the same time I have learned that what works better for me is getting up early at 4:00 am in the morning before I go to work, I sit alone with my Lord, my Bible and I seek His face and I ask the Holy Spirit to fill me up with His presence. If Jesus that He is God had to go alone by Himself and pray, we should be doing the same thing as well. He had a demanding life and multitudes to feed and teach but He knew that he needed time alone with His heavenly Father. He set an example for you and for me. May I encourage you to do the same as well. You can'nt do it alone. Remember He said that He will make your burden light when you come to Him. I promise you that your life will not be the same. And may I remimd you that as you do this you will be setting an example of GODLY PARENTING FOR YOUR CHILDREN TO FOLLOW. P. it works, I have been doing this faithfully since I started working full time. It was my prayer that I put before the Lord to please help me not to allow my work or anything else come befoe Him. Get yourself a woman of faith bible and let it be your companion to a new you. I challenge you my friend it will be the best thing you will ever do for yourself, children and family. Let me also remind you that as you search the Lord things will still continue to be challenging but Jesus will give you the strenght that you need and with Him you can do all things. PHILIPPIANS 4:13 MAY GOD THE FATHER GIVES YOU NEW GRACE AS YOU SPEND TIME ALONE WITH HIM FOR HIS GLORY IN JESUS NAME I PRAY. AMEN IN HIS LOVE C.

Hi P.,

It sounds to me like you're a perfectionist. You are making yourself crazy because everything can't be perfect all of the time. I recognize that because that is me, too.

I also had 3 children in 5 years, and even though they are now ranging in age from 21-17, I still feel like Mrs. Stretch Armstrong, being pulled in all different directions and not doing anything well.

I didn't have family close by for help or support, and I stayed at home with a husband who traveled a lot. We were poor compared to our contemporaries because I chose to stay home while they chose to both work full time. So, it was a lot to manage.

At some point you just have to give yourself a little grace and decide what is "good enough" and let that be good enough. So, your house can't be a page out of a magazine and you can't read your emails every day and your kids nor yourself are perfect examples of decorum and positive thinking and happiness every minute of every day. That doesn't mean you're a failure, that means your a human being loving your family and caring for them according to what is humanly possible to accomplish in one day.

This is the time in your parenting life when things are very physically demanding. Believe me, even though it feels like endless drudgery every day, it really does get better and easier as they get older. Children DO grow out of diapers and DO learn to pick up after themselves and DO eventually sleep through the night every night, so it won't be like this forever, I promise.

Another thing that might help is a bit of a schedule or routine. Now, I'm not saying something set in stone, or anything, cause that's pretty impractical when children are little, but an order of things and a priority list might come in handy. Also, when you make your priority list, think of items on that list that can be delegated to hubby (like some of the errands, for example) or shared with another mother who also has little children.

Here was my schedule when my kids were little. Notice, I assign no times for things, just an order in which things will be done.
Wake up, get dressed, breakfast
children play, mom start laundry, make beds, clean up bathroom
mom make lunch, children watch tv or kid's movie
lunch
play outside
naptime for children, mom do housework (or sometimes mom take nap, too)
snack
children play indoors or out, mom fix dinner
dinner
children play until bath time
bath, story, bed

Ok, now that was the general schedule, but I had days for doing specific things. For example, Wednesday morning was always grocery shopping. Sometimes we had play-dates in the morning hours on other days. When I had a baby, the baby would take a nap in the morning, but the other kids would play. Having this schedule helped in a couple of ways. One, it kept me a little sane. I knew that if I made the beds and cleaned up the bathroom and started the laundry in the morning hours before lunch, that was all I had to accomplish . Sometimes that could take 30 minutes or less, so even if I was interrupted 20 times, I could eventually get it done most mornings.

It also gave the kids a framework. When they were done with breakfast, they knew it was playtime. One couldn't start a movie, another go outside, etc. If they asked to start a movie, I would say, "which movie to you want to see?" and they would tell me, and I'd say, "Let's save this movie on top of the tv until just before lunch." but right now its playtime. When they got a little bored with whatever they were playing and they started getting hungry for lunch, then I'd plug in the movie which corralled them all in the family room and I got the lunch prepared without much interruption. Then after lunch they knew they were going to go outside to play. Even if it was cold, we'd bundle up and play outside. Even if it was raining, we'd at least take a walk with umbrellas. They loved it! Only when it was REALLY bad did they not get outside at all. Then after an hour or two outside, and everyone seemed to be getting tired, it was time for naptime. Naptime was an absolute MUST, non negotiable. I instituted naptime for many years after the children no longer took naps, but then it just evolved to "quiet time". I used to tell the kids that if they didn't feel like sleeping, then they had to lay on their bed quietly and either play quietly or read a book or color, or whatever, but they had to be quiet (usually that got my 4-6 year olds to take a nap even when they thought they were too big).

Okay, another thing I did as the kids got big enough, was have them to do chores. These happened right after breakfast. I did it like this, "Come help mommy make her bed, and then we will make your bed." Even a 2 year old can help pull the covers up on your bed or put the pillows on at the end. All of the beds got made and we all worked together. Then I said, "Okay, now everybody, , pick up their own clothes and lets carry them all down to the laundry." Then we'd start a load of laundry and one of them got to put in the detergent and then we all folded some of the laundry and put our own away in our drawers. Then we'd all go in the bathroom and we'd all brush our teeth, pick up our towels, and etc. It was just part of our routine to clean and do things around the house. My kids, to this day, do not question the need to clean, help, pick up, contribute, etc because that is all part of family life. As they got older, I incorporated more and more chores that they were responsible for like unloading the dishwasher, vacuuming, mopping the kitchen floor, mowing the lawn, etc.

After play time and as we were getting ready to watch a movie, we picked up our toys to get ready for the movie. When the baby was little, that is when I put her down for a nap, while the older two watched a movie. It kept them quiet while the baby was sleeping.

If I was up to it during naptime (or quiet time) I'd do some other chores. If I needed to run errands, I'd do it after naptime and before suppertime, or ask my husband to do them, or wait for the weekend, etc.

I hope some of this helps a little. I know its chaotic when kids are little, but kids also thrive with structure and routine, and hopefully, if you can establish that, it will make you feel like you are actually accomplishing something, too.

L.

This may sound strange, but it worked for me when I was a stay-at-home mom with just one kid, and feeling like you do.
Exercise. I run almost every day, and it puts me in such a positive mood, and gives me that extra energy that is so needed. See if your husband will watch the kids for a half hour either in the morning or evening, and try it. It made me such a better mom.
Also - you sound like you really, really need a grown-up night out. Seems like a small thing, but get a babysitter and go out to dinner with your hubby. Put on some makeup and heels for once. :)
Good luck.

You are not alone! Being a SAHM is one of the hardest and most under appreciated jobs. I think that we all go through periods of time when we feel like we are reacting to live and living in a triage situation instead of planning and making our own decisions. You are currently working 4 full-time jobs. Keeping house is one full-time job and each child is another. I wish I could tell you how to fix it but I haven't figured it out myself. It always helps me to get out of the house and go to a friends house (usually with kids in tow). At least then I am not looking at the dust and piles of laundry. I find comfort in the knowledge that my friends feel overwhelmed and out of control too. I hope it helps to know that what you are going through is normal. You have a difficult job. I believe it to be a very important one, but challenging too.

My thoughts are with you!

hi P.,
oooohhhhhhh. you a real mommy !
you stated,'you feel behind etc...blah'
so . your kids are ok . you are not .
you need to get organized and stick to it
- wake up the SAME time EVERY day.
- BEFORE THE GANG !
_ MAKE COFFEE NIGHT BEFORE , hit 'on' in morning
-relax , sit outside , pray .. whatever
DO THE SAME THING EVERY MORNING EVERY DAY .
you will start a routine .
now the gang charges in w/ hubby ... you are ready .
Why did you say kids are bored while tuggy at your stings ?
give each child 1 job [ simple 1] DO THIS EVERY DAY
children have and need a routine too.
breakfest will be @ 8 am and

lunch @12 and

dinner @6 ..bedtime 9pm ... [ all your choice]
ROUTINE ...DO NOT CHANGE THE ROUTINE
FAMILY HAS TO WORK AROUND YOU ....
you are the ceo/boss/owner/cheif/ etc of the crew ...
they follow you ; not the other way around
change 1 thing everyday .. 1 little thing ....
it will fall together
also; 1 day a week can be laundry day , mop floor day , etc .
keep simple , plan , write down it you have to
relax
you are the love'n mommy kind
a grammy

Have you been looking in my window???? Just kidding but it sounds like all the things I say every so often. I am a stay at home Mom w/ a 5 y/o 4 y/o and a 1 y/o. What you are feeling is totally normal. How you deal with it is the most important thing for you and for you kids. They will learn from your example. I know I yell more when I am frustrated and now I see my 5 y/o doing the same thing so I try harder to control my yelling. Here are some ideas of what works for me. Try to set them up with activities at a table like pla-doh or coloring while you pick an area or do dishes. Let them have 30 minutes of TV while you clean a bathroom or dust. Just remember that cleaning will always be there and they don't care if the house is clean. My childhood memories are of my Mom cleaning and me being told to do chores. I don't remember her playing with me so try to drop the dishes every now and then and just PLAY. It's OK if the house is a mess. Someday all too soon they will be out with friends and you can clean then. The best thing I ever did for myself was to join a Mom group. It is very validating to hear someone else say what you are feeling. After a Mommy meeting I always come home feeling like my batteries have been charged. There is MOPS or I like "Mothers and More" take a look to see what is in your area.

Good Luck and You're not alone!
R.

Hi P.

My kids are 4, 2 and 9 months so I feel your pain. First and foremost you are only one person and are outnumbered so you have to pick your battles. Chores aren't necessarily at the top of my list. I have pets, so vacuuming is the only thing that I do every single day, laundry is a constant battle but we have clean clothes but always a huge dirty pile. There are definately dishes in my sink, and yes my son pees all over the toilet, so use at your own risk! My son is old enough to know that when I tell him to pick up his toys he better do it, or they WILL get thrown out - I don't mess around, because I don't have time to clean up after them all the time. As for them being bored, they are too little to know what bored is. Crayons and paper are amazing at our house, so is playing outside with chalk.

There are days that I am in tears because it is so hard taking care of these little people. Make time for yourself. Go out and get your nails done once in awhile. Or just go for a walk without the kids, read a book without the kids. You need and deserve time for yourself. If your husband won't help in that area he needs to be made to understand your needs. The children are 3 full time jobs, nobody could ever be paid adequately for what we mothers do.

I can honestly say that this is the hardest job I have ever had. I love it, but it is soooo hard. You are not alone and should not expect perfection. Give yourself a break and realize that all doesn't need to be perfect looking. I tell people all the time, you are more than welcome to come in - but it's a mess in there :-)

Somehow you need to be with other women who are just like you. I NEED girly time, even if our kids are just playing. I had three children under five and my husband was gone working and going to school for three years from 8a.m. to 10p.m. Monday through Friday. It was the worst time of my life but also a great growing experience for me.

You need a list of strategies to help you cope. Things you can do that make you feel better, more connected to yourself, husband and kids.

http://www.arbinger.com/downloads/parenting_pyramid.pdf

The above link stresses the importance of taking care of ourselves, our relationship with our spouses and how that impacts our relationship with our children.

Also there are certain techniques I have successfully used to keep me afloat. Some of these are what household chore can I make fun? the kids and I have ice skated on the floor before today with our socks and and a bucket of soapy water. Kitchen floor was finally clean after that.

Others are comparing myself to someone who is worse off or who is coping less well than me. It helps me realize that I'm not that bad!

Enjoy simple things like the smell of a candle, some good music etc. Something that soothes the senses.

I have decided that it is useless to clean when my kids are awake unless its chores where all working on together. Even then its only one or two chores. The rest is going to have to wait till nap time, quiet time or after the kids have gone to bed. If I do do chores when the kids are in bed I only set myself about three things to do.

The biggest goal on my to do list though is not how much did I get done today? Its do I feel closer to the people I love? Housework will be here forever but our kids won't. Enjoy it! The article below helped me realize what is most important about being a mother.

http://lds.org/conference/talk/display/0,5232,23-1-851-37...

Good luck!

Homeschooling mother of four soon to be five! (Yes, I feel your pain! LOL)

P.-you are not alone!! I think that is how most of us feel every day with young kids. It is hard-really hard at times. And in my opinion the moms who seem to have it all together and are totally organized with a clean house all the time...something has to give and it is usually time spent with their kids. My advice is get out there with the kids and do things-even though it is hard. You will never someday look back and say "wow-I wish I had a cleaner house while the kids were little". What you will say is that I wish I had enjoyed them a little more. My kids are 5 and 7 and I was the same way when they were real little. I always felt under the 8 ball trying to do everything and still be a good mom. I yelled a lot and lost my patience so many times. I now feel pretty guilty about it because looking back I now know that things do get so much easier and I should have concentrated more on enjoying my children instead of worrying that everything was organized and clean. Unfortunately you cannot rewind their childhoods.

So I guess I would say to you just hang in there-it is going to get so much easier in the next couple of years. But do try to make some time for yourself. Are there any young girls in your neighborhood who could be a mothers helper this summer? If you could get someone to maybe entertain the kids outside for a couple hours then you could have some time to yourself and get a few things done. I would also suggest you look for a gym with childcare. This saved me in those years when they were real little. I got a little time away from them and the exercise was so mentally beneficial. The kids loved it too. It also gave some structure to the day.

Good luck and hang in there.

Hi P.,
Get you an appointment book with 5 columns. Put each one of your names in each column.

Put in your regular routine for each.

Get someone in your family or even your friends to take care of the children for a set time.

Put in some quiet time for yourself each day.

Put in some quiet time for you and your husband.

Schedule yourself naps with your children.

Keep up the good work. Life happened to you all of a sudden.

All the Best. D.

P.,

I feel your pain!!! I have two 3 year olds, 6 months apart. My husband was never, ever home and ended up leaving shortly after we adopted my youngest daughter. I have no family here either. I can only tell you to hang in there. It does get easier as they get older. It is so difficult but you HAVE to find a few minutes to yourself. You take an hour, let your hubby take an hour. Go tan, get groceries alone, get an ice cream cone & go for a ride. You need a minute to yourself.

HANG IN THERE!!!

Hi P.,
As I was reading your post, my heart is just going out to you. Immediately after I read it, I "stumbled" upon this blog post. It was a blessing to me and I think I found it to send it to you:

http://treasuredheirloom.blogspot.com/2009/04/lessons.html

~C.
http://daisyandpear.blogspot.com

P.,
There are days that I feel overwhelmed and frustrated, days that I feel like a failure as a parent and wife, etc... So, I know how you may feel at times. I have 1 child, one son who is three years old! So, with 1 child a person can get overwhelmed with lifes chores and schedules and cleaning etc... I can only imagine that someone with 3 children, especially 3 that are all young, WILL get overwhelmed too. You will get overwhelmed and feel everything that you are feeling, the thing is , this is a normal feeling. But, you have to give yourself a break and realize that you ARE working hard, even if you can't "see" the accomplishments. what I mean is that even though you just cleaned up..you turn around and the kids have things a mess again and it doesn't look like you cleaned at all. But when you look at your kids they are healthy and happy and "caring", "providing", "loving" them unconditionally on a 24/7 basis is a HUGH accomplishment! My suggestions first and most important is to be kinder to yourself, give yourself some credit for all that you do! You being happy will make everything else in your life seem less overwhelming. As far as the cleaning..what works for me is to allow my son to play with toys in one room and not everywhere, this way it gives me an opportunity to get one room cleaned at a time. Decide on a specific day during the week to do specific chores, like mondays are for laundry, wednesdays are for vaccuming and dusting, fridays are for errands and grocery shopping (although I suggest that if possible, maybe you and your husband can do that on the weekend together) or he can watch the kids and you go by yourself on the weekend or at night when he gets home from work. This way you get some time to yourself? (Grab a coffee at starbucks, wear headphones listening to music or a book and food shop...it's not paradise but it makes the chore nicer to do). On the days in between, plan to "play" with the kids. Play outside, ring around the rosie, etc... This way you are giving the kids your attention and allowing yourself time to be with without worrying about what needs to be done. At the end of the week, you can see that you gave the kids time, and accomplished things around the house. You will never have your house perfectly cleaned and things done 100% all the time, you would have to clone yourself to be able to do that..so give yourself credit for doing everything you can and just live. I think that because the kids are so young, it is a difficult time because they are not in school and do need so much of your time ...I think as they get older, you will feel that your schedule will change and you may feel not as overwhelmed. I hope that you find a way to be positive and see what wonderfull things are doing. I wish you strengeth and courage to continue on and find a better place for yourself. I give you much credit for having 3 kids at that age and working hard at doing everything you have on your plate= : )

Sweetie you have three little ones at home so Im not surprised at all that you are stressing out! Let the laundry and cleaning go and accept the mess, it will be ok :) You sound like you need a sitter, but with $ being tight Id just "hire" a young teen girl (neighbors?) for cheap to entertain the kids while your still home, taking a bubble bath or getting things done.
Hang in there. :)

P.,
I only have O. and I have felt the same way many times! I can't imagine juggling three. Try to keep things in perspective. There will be time down the road when your house will (again) be tidy and organized. Is that really important right now? Enjoy your kids while they are little. Plan maybe O. outing per day, be it the park, the store, etc. Maybe plan a daily schedule around meals, naps, etc that works with naptimes, etc. and try to use it as a guide for your day. Like get them up, dressed, fed, playtime/craft/activity for 1-2 hours, lunch, naps, etc. Maybe if you have a structure, you will feel less out of control and focused. No plan is perfect and it won't happen exactly according to the "plan" everyday, but it might help get you on track. Hang in there, as they get older, it will get easier for you, I'm sure. Can you get a neighborhood teenager to be a mother's helper for 2-3 hours per week so you can get some things done around the house? That might help, too! Good luck. You're doing great.

Hi P., I have felt this way many times. I was a SAHM for awhile when my son was little then I started working part time but it still seemed all the housework, cooking, etc still fell on me. I only have one and feeling overwhelmed feels normal for me. The best thing to do is get some type of routine or schedule going. Take a little time for you each day...even if it means sitting the kids in front of the TV for 30mins or putting them in their rooms to have what we called "quiet time." Even after my son stopped taking naps he would lie in his bed and listen to music or read for 30mins to an hour each day...it helped me more than him :)

Also, don't worry about the mess so much. The kids won't remember that the house was clean when they are older but they will remember that you spent time with them each day. Before you put them down for "quiet time" spend some time with each of them one on one and then together (maybe reading). 15 minutes of your undivided attention will go a long way. My son and I had a routine everyday and it helped. We would play board games, go outside under the sprinkler, etc. Then we would come in and read for a few minutes and then it was quiet time. Quiet time is your time also to relax...don't clean or do chores. Relax and do something for you. I used to read the magazines that were piling up. Take some time for yourself or you will go crazy. I hope things get better for you.

I am with elizabeth here I have been with flylady.net for 3 yrs and my home is now rarely more than 15 mins from company ready my daughter hubby and I spend more time together because we have our routines its amazing I as well am not paid by her but she has changed our lives forever cleaning is so much easier now! Best of luck!

K.

you r being to hard on your self do the things that have to be done and spend time with kids..i have 4 kids and babsit and every day i wonder how people keep up!most dont we just do the best we can..fly lady is good but just get a small routine down..your doing a great job you r only 1 person ..

Well, first of all, with 3 children under 5 years old, lighten up on yourself. Stop expecting yourself to be that fictional supermom everyone expects to be. That alone will make you feel better.
Then, try to prioritize. For instance, when mine were little, I always chose spending time with the kids to cleaning house. So the house is messy - so what? Until they head off to school and you have some more free time, let it be that way. To reduce the clutter somewhat, you might try to get the older children involved in picking up after themselves every evening - try to make it into a game...maybe a race of some sort.
Finally, can your husband pick up some of the slack? Having three children is more than a full-time job, and he should be helping out in some ways. Even if it's just to take the kids out of the house on the weekend (to the park, to a friend's house?) for an afternoon so that you can get something done and have a break, that would be helpful. As much as we love our kids, we all need a little break sometimes.
Try to remember that the time passes quickly (mine are 16 and 19 now - where did the time go?) and you should concentrate on enjoying them as much as possible, instead of trying to be homemaker of the year.

We all feel that way from time to time. One of the things that really helped calm the chaos here is I signed up at FlyLady.net. It is totally free, and a great way to get your house under control and keep it there. It is SO weird but it works-- if you spend 30 minutes a day (15 on a daily routine and 15 on a special cleaning project Monday-Friday) your house will always be neat and relatively clean. She even has special messages for little ones and my son (who is 20 months old) loves to dust and sweep with me. (OK, he's really pretty terrible at it, but the point is that he is learning! :-) ) If you spend a year with FlyLady you will have totally changed your habits and routines-- within the first month I saw a HUGE difference. (Disclaimer: I do not work for, get paid by, or know the FlyLady.)

I would also suggest finding a good Mother's Morning Out program
in your area and/or a preschool for the two oldest ones-- which will help with the boredom and start to ease them into the world. And use that time for yourself-- not for anyone else! My son goes to a MMO program one day a week and sometimes I use that time to clean/run errands, and sometimes I sit on the couch for 3 hours and watch TV. I always feel better after a little time to myself, and I know my husband and son appreciate having a saner, happier wife/mom.

Good luck. The truth is that life with 3 under 5 is crazy. That old saw about changing what you can change, accepting what you can't and being wise enough to know the difference should be the motto of Mothers Anonymous too!.

So you are saying you are not perfect. Welcome to the club. I have seen some woman who have the house spotless and the kids perfectly dressed and I wonder how they do it. But ya know what, my kids have my attention and love and I would rather let them have that than a perfect house any day! You have 3 under 5, I did that too. It gets easier as they get older and can do more for themselves. Don't beat yourself up.

I always tell other moms, get out of the house! it's always a lifesaver for me... the kids fight less, they get to run around and get rid of all their energy, and they can't make a mess at home while you are out! also, if the house is a mess, you won't be there to be bothered by it! haha!
Whenever i stay home, I'll clean up (with a little help from the kids), maybe vacuum... and then seriously 10 minutes later it looks as though nothing was put away. So I let it be a mess... if there is anyone who has small kids and a neat house... they either have lots of help, or they don't have any fun at all. Don't be too hard on yourself!!!!

I usually do a load of dishes and laundry while we are home in the morning, get us ready, and we go somewhere.

I see you are in Mt laurel.. have you ever been to PAWS farm? It's $75 for the family (tax deductible) for a whole year, and there are lots of things to do, indoor and outdoor... other kids to play with... it's great! most of the areas are small enough, but with enough things to do that you can keep your eye on the kids while they play, but sit and relax.

another fun indoor place is the international sports center... it's $5 for each kid, on the weekdays there is a huge climbing structure and 3 bounce houses... parents aren't allowed in it... so again, you have to sit and chat with other moms while the kids play! :-)

or Laurel Acres is fun, though I only have two, and they usually want to play in seperate areas, so that can get tiring.

Anyway, i hope this helps!!!

I agree with others about getting out of the house!!! It is what keeps me sane!!!

* Join your local mom's club (a great source of support) http://www.momsclub.org/

* I always recommend joining a gym that has child care - so you can simply read a book or magazines on a bike or treadmill and shower w/out the kids being there!!!!!

Good Luck to you!!!!! Hang in there - they are getting older everyday - before you know it they will be in school :)

Try ____@____.com her systems seems to work where others have failed.
Barbara

Oh P. - Know that you are not alone in how you feel. I think motherhood is the hardest job on earth - constant hours, kinda being your own boss, yet feeling like others are constantly checking up on you, no one really to pat you on the back for a job well done.

My first response is that you DO need and deserve a break. I know you said you don't have family to help out...how about friends? Whether you swap time where you watch the kids and the other mom gets a little time to run errands on her own, work out, go to lunch with a friend, or just read a book at home....perhaps that would work. Do you get out much with the kids? A little time outside can do wonders for the mind and soul....head to a playground and chat with some other moms while the kids are running around.

I just met with this awesome speaker about the "myth of balance". We will never be able in a day or even a week to do it all...be a great fun mother, have meals made, the house clean, be an attentive wife......but our goal should be that in a year we will do it well on the whole. I think you need to give yourself a break and focus on the GREAT things you do each day rather than what you did not get to. I believe we get done what is truly important to us. My house is not the cleanest or tidiest, but my kids are generally happy b/c we just play. And kids are messy! Happy kids make a happier mom. Think about what is really important to YOU.....and make a realistic list of what you would like to accomplish in a day. It might be simple like this:

read three books to child A
color a picture with child B
play a boardgame with child C
wash and dry one load of laundry
make spagetti for dinner
enjoy a glass of wine with husband after kids are asleep

the only thing you can really control is YOU and your attitude. you need to believe you are a good mom and seek to find the ways you are.

hope you are feeling better. your children are so lucky to have their mommy at home with them. don't be so hard on yourself!

I know EXACTLY how you feel! My house is a mess, I am behind on everything: dishes, laundry, bills; and I can't seem to catch up. I'm not sure I have a lot of helpful advice for you. I take it one day at a time and try to focus on the things I get done, not the things I missed. For me, time spent with my kids is more important than my housework. Going to the zoo or the park is better than vacuuming. I can vacuum when they get older :)

Also, remember that as your kids get older they can help out! My 3 y/o likes to use the little hand held vacuum to suck up dog-furballs which is helpful. He also helps me put dishes away sometimes. So keep that in mind. This time with your babies is precious, keep treading water for now and know that you can make some forward progress as they get a little older.

I feel for you - I'm right there with you!

J.

Hey P.,

You need to forgive yourself and recognize that you have a lot on your plate. And, you need to realize and believe you are not alone. I am sure countless other moms have shared the same sentiment!

I can relate to how you're feeling; I often have the same feelings that you have. I decided to set a small goal for myself -- to run a 5k. (I have never run in my life!) I'm obviously not saying that this should be your goal, but you should make it a MUST to create a goal that is just about you. And then work toward it.

It won't help keep your house clean or keep your kids occupied. But it will help you to gain some sense of control over your life and give you a sense of accomplishment. And those feelings of empowerment will be reflected in your mothering.

Much luck to you!

T. :)

First a Hug to you, you aren't alone, even though it feels like it.

Second, www.flylady.net sounds like the answer to your prayers. It takes a bit to get through all the stuff on the webpage, so I would recommend that you go buy or borrow from the library the book "Sink Reflections" by Marla Cilley aka the flylady.
I'll send you a private message with more info, but its basically a free system with email reminders that encourage you to #1 take care of you
#2 set small goals and reach them
#3 balance your life so that you can enjoy your kids and family

If you've tried it before and stopped or didn't like it, I would say give it another shot you might be in a different place in your life where you'd be able to gain something from it now..

Take it easy :)

I feel your frustrations!!! I too have 3 boys that were all under 5 at one time and it was VERY challenging.....to say the least!!! Just know, it does get better and easier to deal with each day's activities, etc as they get older!! My 3 are now 7,6,4 and I'm prego with #4 (also a boy:)) and now it's much easier to juggle all the things I need/want to do through the day AND the boys even help from time to time. One thing that really saved me, thankfully my husband is extremely helpful and understanding, was when my hubby came home from work I insisted he give me 15-30 minutes (sometimes more depending on the day) to lock myself in our bedroom for me to have some alone time and rejuvinate. It worked wonders!!! It doesn't sound like a lot of time BUT it really worked and allowed me enough time to regroup. As for the house cleaning, well, I'm no angel in that department!!! Some days are better than others, but my house is NEVER put together like I'd like it to be. I just gave up on that a long time ago because it's just not possible to keep up with the boys and there messes all the time. Eventually, my house will be more orderly as the kids get older but for now I just can't make that ruin my day and I know the house is a mess because my kids are just having a fabulous time :)!!! Don't over schedule, relax and don't have too many expectations and enjoy this time with the children because before you know it they will be going off to college and leaving the nest! Good luck............trust me, it gets easier!!

Oh P....I feel your pain. I just got on here to take a break from the frustration of my own home. I have a 4, 3 and 1 1/2 year old and my husband and I just got "into it" over how messy the upstairs in our house is. He says I do too much with the kids and not enough around the house. I don't know how to manange my time any better than I do. Everyone says how great our kids are, but what he doesn't realize is it takes time and attention to get them that way.
There will always be messes in various rooms of the house and I do my best to keep up with our main living areas, but our upstairs is a disaster. I don't know how to keep up with it either. I guess I'm not giving you good advice, I'm kinda just venting and telling you that you are not alone.
I will scrub and clean the house when the kids go to school or when the weather is cold...for now, since I am "stuck" in the situation, I'm going to make the best of it and enjoy my kids and the beautiful outside weather with them. I will not stress over the little things and I encourage you to do the same.
Sincerely, T.

I would contact your school district to see if parenting classes are available free in your area. Good way to get out the house and meet other parents. Also if you have health insurance contact the company and see if counseling is covered just to make sure what you are feeling is not anything more serious. Most mom's feel this way several times when raising our children. But you never what to take these feelings lightly. But make sure you do something for yourself weekly if only to take a walk with your husband with out the kids. Maybe a neighbor you trust can watch them for 1 hour so you can have some Mommy time doing one thing a week you enjoy!

It may just be you, AND THAT'S OK! :) These circumstances (their ages) will change, and no one is perfect at all this stuff!

I'm about to be in your boat soon! Due in July and with a 3 and 1 1/2 year old. Dad's a touring musician and will be gone all but 2 months between now and next summer. Our income is wacky, and except for the rare exception, I never use sitters. So it's ALL ME around here! This past year has been rough being pregnant and in charge of 2 while he's been gone as well.

Here's what I do. The BARE MINIMUM of house work. I never was a good housekeeper. I don't feel guilty that I'm not now. I keep the community areas where the kids dwell, kitchen, shared bathroom clean on a sort of rotating basis, and it's fine. The kids don't care. Keep it to a level of your own sanity and don't beat yourself up when the dishes sit overnight. Luckily my husband isn't home to nag-but when he is, I make him clean-he's much tidier than me.

I keep the mornings to myself sort of. I need to sleep until nine-always been nocturnal and am now pregnant and exhausted. I have the kids bedtimes late accordingly and have my oldest trained to come get in bed with me in the morning and cuddle quietly until I'm awake. Then, after getting them up, I keep the breakfasts easy. Turn on the PBS, sit the kids down in front of it with their food, and do my emails, bills, whatever, have my coffee, and don't really interact much. They're used to not bugging me for a good hour or so. Then I do one or two little chores, whatever is most urgent. Then we play a little, have lunch, do errands, my son goes down for a nap, and my daughter and I have quiet time where I recline (because of huge belly) and read, and she plays near by, and we sort of interact that way. Sometimes she wants to be read to, sometimes she wants to play near by. If she had a nickel for every time I turned down a play request with, "No, sweetie, mama has to lie down right now" She'd be rich. When my son gets up, we do something outdoors if I have the strength, then dinner, and supervised play (I'm usually on the couch) until bed.

I know it's not the most exciting life for them, but right now, day to day, I need to take it easy, and that's how it has to be. Soon a newborn will be in the mix, and somehow I'll need to ease that in and adjust to new challenges. But I don't label myself according to how well I handle things each day. I have totally accepted this scenario FOR NOW. You have to just do your best and believe you are doing a good job.

I ideally, you shouldn't be yelling at the kids. As you know, it makes everyone including yourself feel bad. My way around this was firm discipline early on, calm immediate actions for things so nothing escalates, and the fact that they are super well behaved now saves me a lot of grief. There is no yelling in my house, and when they do slack a bit, I take full responsibility for slacking on their discipline, because I'm exhausted etc, so I either tighten up, or let it be for now, but I always remind myself not to blame them for being kids. I have to constantly remind myself that frustration and exhaustion are understandable, and I'm not mad at them. Don't feel bad you have been yelling, just find ways to minimize your stress mentally going forward, and get those kids disciplined if they are running you ragged. Make sure dad helps with that. It will be better for them and you.

Ask your husband for a day or weekend or whatever you can get to work together to clean and organize necessary spaces in your house so keeping on top of things is a bit easier for you. I have my kids trained to keep all toys in a certain room, so when they start migrating, I have them pick up for me. De-clutter so keeping the bathrooms and their room(s) functioning better. My kids room is almost empty because I can't deal with dressing them and laundry etc in a big mess. I keep them playing in the play room for now.

Most importantly, give yourself a break! You are doing a great job, even if you don't feel like it. Say positive mantras all day when depression hits-like, "I'm breathing, I'm fine, my kids are healthy, all is well, I'm so thankful, and now I'll get through this hour". Don't sweat finances (I know it's impossible sometimes) but again, this is your stress, not your kid's. Kids don't need stuff, they need you, and they are so lucky you're there. Keep your time frames in the present in your mind. Don't overwhelm yourself by feeling your entire past few years and forseable future are out of control or you'll snap. One day at a time. And every night, say your prayers of thanks and count your blessings. Tomorrow is another day! Every moment spent having fun with your kids is precious to them, and taking the breaks you need is OK. Keep a balance, we're all pulling for you and having the same battles!

Oh, Pam, I feel for you ! Welcome to motherhood. I swear, housework drives me nuts because it is NEVER done, what I see when I look around is everything I HAVEN'T done, not what's accomplished, and it just feels like a treadmill you can't jump off !! so you keep on going, and it gets really hard at times.

I think you are setting a better example than you think to your children -- how many adults actually apologize to their children ? (I always did, but I suspect most don't) They are learning that when they act in a way they wish they hadn't that the person they love deserves and apology. They are learning that when they stress you out, they are still loved, VERY DEEPLY, by someone who is humble enough to admit she is stressed, hug them and keep going. . .

I recomment a diversionary tactic. Do you have enough money to become members of the zoo ? Or of a summer community swimming pool ? Something where you could go and spend some time away from home, that might be fun for everyone ? (Partly, cuz as parents, we are on OUR best behavior in public, but also because it's fun for everyone -- you included.)

When I was in grad school, I was a single mom, working and going to school, and had 2 kids under 5 when I started school. We joined the Phila zoo as members, and it was WONDERFUL. About once a month, we'd go to the zoo for free . . . wander around, bring our own snacks, so we didn't have to buy stuff, AVOID the gift shop, so I didn't have to buy stuff, and we simply enjoyed the animals . . The Phila zoo had lots of animal statues, and the kids would climb on them and demand that I take their pix. So it became a family thing: statue? Photo!!! With digital cameras now, that's a whole lot cheaper than it used to be !!

Anyway, that worked well for us. We also used to take walks -- because it got me out of the house, and because there were many beautiful homes with pretty gardens in the neighborhood -- so in Spring, we would walk the 'hood, and watch for the new flowers that showed up.

It is extremely difficult to be all things to everyone in the family, and it's easy to lose yourself in the process. You keep the house clean for you and your husband, you feed everyone, plan for meals, etc., referee arguments, etc, all day long, and what you really need to do is enjoy your family.

Another event ? Go to McDonald's (after a meal, and buy something cheap, like cookies or something or for Happy Meals) and bring a book -- ooops, they are probably too young for that still -- let the kids play in the play area, you get to relax with a soda.

Try to find something you can do, over and over again, because the kids like repetition, and if it's something they enjoy doing, or something you enjoy doing, and they just come along, then you will have an "outing" when the house doesn't matter, the toys are left home, so they are more interesting the next day, and you might even meet some other moms there, and make some friends yourself.

You'll also be creating memories. . . One of the stupid things I did happened because one day I saw the adult gorilla acting "human" with its child. It was so cute . . ., and I began to think that I had a affinity for the animal. . . so at night, I'd tuck the girls in, then in the dark, the "gorilla" would sneak in and tuck them in again. I'd shuffle in like a big ape, and make gorilla noises, and hug them, and sometimes tickle them, too. It was silly, but when the younger of those two went to college, and was getting a little homesick, I went looking for a stuffed animal that looked like her black kitty. It was Halloween, so I thought I'd be able to find one -- none that looked just right -- but I saw, instead, a gorilla stuffed animal. So I sent her the gorilla, which caused her to burst out laughing. I wrote her a note to remind her that whenever she missed her mom, she could hug the gorilla and no one but she would know why !! :-) She's 26 and it still sits on her bed -- memories from when she was 3 that came back to roost.

It's easy to "look backward" and see what you did right and what you could have done better, but it's really tough to struggle through the days of tedium. . . and it's kind of backwards that we have our kids when we are young and restless and want to be doing stuff -- on the other hand we have them when we are young and have a bit more energy to chase after them . . .

Is there a children's museum near you ? My next set of kids, now teens, used to LOVE to go to the Erie Maritime Museum. It's an adult museum focusing primarily on Erie's participation in a HUGE naval battle in the war of 1812, but it has lots of buttons that bring up animations on the screens, and stuff. The kids LOVED the musuem. There is a sample "mate's cabin" just like the ones on the ship, and they played house in there. We toured the ship itself so many times that I think they could have given the tour.

Another thing you can do, is take your kids to church. I know this sounds wierd, if you aren't a church going type of person -- but it's summer, and most protestant churches do a vacation Bible School program. Ours starts on Monday -- it would give your kids something new to do, and you would have a couple of hours off each day. ahhhhhhhhhhhhh
Our church has mens and womens softball teams, and there are lots of young parents on the teams - so if Dad is playing, moms and kids are on the sidelines, playing toss, watching the game, and hanging with their friends -- when Mom plays, the roles are reversed. Those are fairly free activities, too. If you try attending on Sundays, and the kids' get involved in Sunday School, and you keep your antennae on ready alert, you just might find some moms your age who have some of the same issues and you can do some things together as families. And, while you might not be going in order to get in touch with God, you may find along the way, that He really does love you, with amazing abundance -- no matter how you feel as you work the treadmill of daily living.