How Do I Get My Husband to Stop Causing Stressful Meals and Travel.

Are they using manners at home? You may want to "practice" at home to help them get in the habit of using the type of manners that he wants to see. My kids are good with "please", but sometimes, "thank you" gets left out!

Also, try prompting your kids before you enter the restaurant- just say something like "Let's ALL remember to use our best manners tonight!" and keep it upbeat and positive.

I'm so sorry that this is such a stressful thing for you. Dinner out is supposed to be special and it's too bad that this is happening. I hope it gets better for you! Good luck!

I am so sorry that he cannot step back just a little. He does not realize he is going to drive his children away. They are going to begin dreading having to with him.. His loss.

To teach children manners, everyone in the home must use them at all times with each other. Does he say yes mam and no sir to your children every time? How about when he speaks with you? If not, this may be something you all will want to concentrate on. This way it is a natural habit for ALL of you.

Children respond better to positive reinforcement than forced behavior. Each time they remember on their own, your husband will be better served if he will say. "I liked your manners just then." Or 'thank you for remembering to use your manners with the waitress."

Once again have a heart to heart with him and let him know how really upsetting this is to you and you have not enjoyed a meal out or travel in years, because his behavior makes you nervous.

Also if you are really uncomfortable, let him know you feel the pleasure of going out is now lost for you. It makes you sad, but it is just not something you want to participate in if he continues this way.

Ask him of a different way he could respond.. The other thing you could do is somehow record these situations with your camera. Do not let him know you are going to do this, just let it happen organically. Once he sees and or hears that everyone was having a good time till these incidents occur, he may realize what a damper he puts on the family,.

Sounds like his ego is getting in the way of things. The fact that he does this in public makes me think that he wants other people to have a favorable view of him when his kids say "yes ma'am" or "yes sir". Unfortunately, this is all backfiring on him. HE ends up being the one to present with bad manners and the kids feel forced to serve up his version of respect.

Ask your hubby how his super rigid parents made him feel? Does he want his own kids to view him as stern? Does he want them to have unhappy memories of him and associate having family time as something tense, hurtful and degrading?
I remember my dad yelling at me when I spilled my water at a restaurant. I was absolutely crushed. I couldn't even eat my meal, I was so distressed. The next time we were eating out, I was SO NERVOUS that I would do something embarassing, that.....of course......I spilled my water. Fortunately, my dad can learn from his mistakes and he gently helped me mop up the water, told me it was okay and gave me HIS glass of water.
What a relief!

I don't know if your hubby believes in the Bible but there is a verse that I LOVE that says "Fathers, do not provoke your children, or they will lose heart (or become discouraged)......." We DO want to instill manners in our kids but we don't want to break their spirits. I hope your hubby decides to listen to his wise wife!
Good luck!

Hi S.! I just wanted to chime in and say that we used to tell the dads in the parenting classes I co-taught that children respond when we speak to them respectfully. Would he say 'what?' in that confrontational way to his sub-ordinate at work if he responded to a question with 'Yes' instead of 'yes, sir'? I don't think so! When my children were little, if they asked for something without saying 'please,' or were given something and didn't say 'thank you,' I would say, very sweetly, without malice, 'Excuse me?' That was their reminder to use their manners. I absolutely felt like a broken record! If I had a dime for ever time I said 'Excuse me?', I would be a millionaire! But guess what...all three of my children are constantly complimented for their wonderful manners. And I no longer have to do any reminding at all! This was all accomplished without malice or hard feelings. As for the 'sir' and 'ma'am'...when they are older, they may find that the people they work for that are 10 years older than them are actually offended when they are called 'sir' and 'ma'am.' This often makes superiors feel as though they are being 'aged' by their subordinates. When we drill it into our kids to ALWAYS respond with 'sir' or 'ma'am,' it is possible we are doing them a disservice. This is a very regional thing...it is something that is very common in the South, not so much in the North. Perhaps you could do a bit of research and then leave it lying around where your husband can see it (I've done this with my husband!). He might not respond to you asking him to change, but he might change if he sees actual statistical information on the subject! Ask him to remember that his children are people too, and they deserve our respect as much as our friends and co-workers. Good luck!

How often does he get a chance to have F.U.N. with his kids? I mean in a big, goofball way? I'm sure you have well-behaved kids...he needs to let loose and enjoy them! Can you all go somewhere really, really fun (amusement park, water park, pool) and really cut loose for the day?
I agree with the post about not breaking their spirits.
My father was über uptight and if we even made a small noise at the dinner table, he would POUND the table with his fist and yell. Not fun. he is going to push those kids away.

It sounds like he's trying to show "who's boss" & throw his weight around not as a parent but as an 'authority figure'. You are correct in that you need to talk to him about this. Maybe if you secretly tape him behaving this way & show it to him just to let him know how he appears. You can always mention that "some day I'm going to tape you so you can see how you sound to your children"...at least he can't say he didn't see that coming. Sometimes ppl act in ways they're not aware of. You might also try to stand up for your children in front of your husband by perhaps saying something like "there's no need to speak to them in that manner." Perhaps a counseling session or two would help him control his demeanor. You may also mention that just b/c he had a strict or perhaps unhappy childhood, doesn't mean your children hafta go through that. Hope these suggestions help, good luck!

I saw a show where the father was just as rigid. They secretly taped him while he acted like this. when he saw the playback he couldn't believe he spoke like that, or the faces of his beautiful children. Could you "nannycam" him or audio tape him and play it back to him when you are alone? And ask him, is this what you want your kids to remember about you when they speak of you?

Well he probably should lighten up a little, but I wouldn't hold my breath!;) So what is he wanting, is it that when he asks them something that they respond with yes sir/ma'am in your case? That isn't too bad. Like if they address him, can they say dad, or do they have to say sir. Like is it "Sir, please pass the potatoes?" or is it "yes sir" when asked a question. If all he is wanting is a yes sir/ ma'am in response to questions, I would just roll with it. My husband gets in the sir/ma'am mood sometimes too. I just go along with it. Even if the kids are annoyed, they are kids, they can deal with doing what is asked of them by their parents. I always figure, if my son sees me in agreement with his dad, then he will be happier overall. If he can tell that I am not in agreement, he can really have a hay-day with the situation. If you know he is like this, the just mentally prep for it. If you just back him up, keep a positive attitude, and don't worry about smoothing things out, I think it will go better overall. I have a great man, but he is a very strong man as well. I decided from the beginning I would not mediate between my children and their father. They have a strong dad and a good dad and they will just grow together in their unique relationship with him. When I let him parent as he sees fit, it causes him to trust me and also depend on me and my parenting skills as well. Whenever I haven't backed him up, it has always been our son who suffers because now he has to pick sides...not pretty. Good luck!! I am not saying be fake, just maybe make a choice to let him and the kids work this one out:)

Manners begets manners. I find if I speak to my boys with a respectful tone that they respond in kind (most of the time.) I require the yes ma'am/yes sir thing. It was the way I was brought up and it shows respect to your elders. If they do not respond correctly then you could ask them if that is the appropriate response and they usually correct themselves. With all of that said, it has to be consistent. You cannot just expect good manners in public, it is confusing. I hope you can work this out. Talk to him without using blame words and tell him you need him to work on this. CB

I am not sure of the ages of your kids but it sounds like they may be pitting the two of you against each other. If they know that you will try and smooth things over, they may like seeing you stand up for them. Not a good thing. If I am reading this wrong, I apologize, but I thought I would add a different perspective.

I would try agreeing with him and encouraging the kids to use their manners as well. You should start saying, "What?" in a less harsh tone of voice but still say it. It is not a bad thing to get your kids to use good manners in public. For some reason, it really bothers your husband and maybe makes him feel like a bad father, if your kids do not use the manners he is trying to instill in them. It's not like he is asking them to bow down to him and call him king.

Tell your husband that you appreciate what he is trying to do so that he knows you are on his side. Then ask him if you could give positive reinforcement somehow if they use their manners in public. Remind him that it might be worth the effort to try it. I've heard of people who make a game of it. That may be a little difficult for your husband, but any positive reinforcement that he agrees to would be good. You can tell your husband that they don't have the adult mindset yet of doing good for goodness sake. They are still at the point of needing to have something in it for them.

First of all the children should be saying yes sir/no sir and yes maam/no maam at home as well. Just having them use manners on trips or in restaurants sends a confusing message. Respect and manners begin at home and must be equally demonstrated everywhere they go. (School, relatives, friends, church, restaurants, etc) My husband and I require the use of sir and maam from our children at all times. Of course they call us mom and dad, but must answer yes sir/no sir or yes maam/no maam.

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I think your husband shoud require the yes sir, no sir, yes maam, no maam all the time not just in restaurants. If you get on board with insisting on good manners from your children, they will learn to use the good manners all the time and not feel punished when they have to use them away from home. Our 4 boys all say yes sir, no sir, yes maam, no maam to all adults both inside as well as outside our home . It is the rules we have set for them.