South Vs. West or North and Manners

I am from Idaho, and am now in Alaska. I teach my boys to say Sir and Ma'am because it is the respectful way to address an adult they do not know. If they know the person than it is Miss (first name) or Mr (first name).

I'm from the midwest (Chicago) and never have heard ma'am or sir being used. We had manners with please and thank you and excuse me and everything else, but I do not expect nor do I teach my children to say ma'amm or sir. I think its a tad extreme and as long as my children are polite that's all I ask !!! Good luck.

absolutely not! how your children act, ultimately, is SO much more important than whether they say yes ma'am or not....i am sure not one person will condemn your children for not saying that. general manners are just as good. don't sweat it!

We're in Texas and I've never heard any of the kids that my kids are around say sir or ma'am. Granted we're in a suburban area with most of us being transplants from other parts of the world, but it certainly isn't commonplace down here either. I think as long as your kids are well behaved no one will miss the ma'ams and sirs.

Good luck,
K.

How old are your kids? I was raised in the west, not saying those things. I once went with my aunt to visit a friend of the family, who was from the south. Ahead of time she advised me that at the house we were going, children responded "yes ma'am," "no ma'am," etc, and that I should try to do the same. When I did, our hostess laughed musically and asked if my aunt had prompted me to use the social graces she was accustomed to! If your children are mature enough to handle it, explain to them ahead of time what people say in TN, how to talk to Grandpa and Grandma, etc. Have them practice. They will receive the beaming responses of their relatives and be rewarded. And if they should forget, hopefully the tone of voice will carry, as you suggest. Do be prepared that a well-meaning relative may take it as a personal mission to help teach your child. Coach your children not to be offended at this. People who follow cultural norms are more likely to be successful at getting their needs/wants met, and anyone who loves your child will want him/her to be sucessful! Kids over 4 are able to learn that different rules apply in different homes. The best to you and your family!

between my fiance and i we have llived in a lot of different states, and both of us have very rarely heard children saying sir/ma'am... (I lived in Idaho, California, Texas, and Nevada... add fiance's South Dakota, Georgia, Tennessee, Washington, and Alabama...)

I'm late to the question, but thought I'd chime in anyways. I currently live in Tennessee. I grew up mostly in California and the southwest (and have friends from the north). I remember that other question and answered it actually. I don't think sir and ma'am are necessary. Even in Tennessee, I don't see a lot of kids saying that. I live in an area with a lot of transplants and I imagine it would be different in some of the more rural areas. But I think good manners can be taught and used without saying sir and ma'am. I haven't taught my son them at all (he's 2 1/2) and he is constantly complimented on his good manners out in public. He says please and thank you all the time, usually without prompting. We are working on "nice to meet you" right now, and I really think it comes down to attitude. A polite attitude is much more sincere and meaningful than just saying sir. I don't think people around here will think you are raising disrespectful children just based on not saying sir and ma'am.

We live in the West and teach please and thank you, and that's about it.
No one I know uses "Sir" or "Madam" and we don't use it. No one here even uses Mr. or Mrs. Last Name... everyone is on a first name basis (even in any workplace I have ever worked at, was well as teachers in school and most professors in universities).
My daughter will eventually learn formal address with Mr. and Mrs. last name, because in my native language and culture formal address is very important, however kids are usually not taught this until they reach school age.
In am fine with this for us...

How old are your kids? From about the age of 3-4 our kiddo has been taught fluidity in his manners (aka doing what's locally appropriate). He views the whole thing rather like a game. So sometimes we only eat with one hand, others we take our shoes off, others we use sir and ma'am, others Miss & Mr., the list just goes on and on.

I did grow up saying using the terms...my paternal family is from NY and maternal is from FL--I grew up in Utah. I teach my daughter to use them. I agree with the first poster, kids with good manners are noticed...the specific words aren't so important.

It seems that it is falling out of favor. My nephew actually got in TROUBLE at school because the teacher thought he was being sarcastic. Of course, my brother jumped all over him for being disrespectful...UNTIL he went in for a conference. The teacher told my brother that she didn't want it used in "her" classroom. He was promptly moved.

I think if your kids are saying please, thank you, etc. that is considered good manners. I don't know if it's as much a cultural thing because we've lived in the midwest and south. It was rare to come across kids who used Ma'am or Sir. Personally, I feel a thank you and please is enough. If someone called me Ma'am, I'd be looking around for the lady that kid was referring to...LOL! I'm not so comfortable being called Ma'am. Being courtious is noticed, believe me. I've had people tell me that my kids were the only ones who said thank you at a party when cake, treats, etc. were given out - plus other situations where it was appropriate. I have never gotten the impression anyone expected more. Go with your gut, though. Teach what you feel is right.

It is totally regional AND cultural.
Manners.... is manners. Recognized or not... in children or adults.
Voice tone/inflections can vary too... or taken in the wrong way.
Regardless, the 'attitude' behind it can be noted in either adults or children.
Sometimes as well, the manners is also accompanied by a gesture... ie: in Japanese culture, you also bow... to show gratitude or thanks or humility... but in regard to the "age" of the recipient or standing in the family, ceremonial events or not. How low you bow while saying an expression of "manners" is also noted. And reflects the level of sophistication or respect of the person. Or their station in society.

So, it is regional and cultural.
A child, if displaying "manners" to the best of their ability... to another who may have different traditions, to me, should not be admonished/scolded for "not knowing" the manners of another family/culture/region... because, it is regional.
And for families that have relatives all over the world... they WILL have manners that reflect their regional cultural norms. There is nothing 'wrong' with that, or that one way is better than the other.

My kids, depending on what group we are with, naturally can display the "expected" manners of that given group/culture. Because it is just the norm for them, and they learn it at home or in school etc.

all the best,
Susan

I think respect is the main key, as you mentioned. However, my husband and I were raised in the Mid-West and the West and both of us were raised to say Sir and Ma'am, and we're training our kids to do the same. I am often complimented on the politeness of my boys. I think people do notice that extra touch. I should mention, we're just about 30 minutes South of where you are now, and our first son was trained on all of this living in the middle of Indian reservations. You don't get much more "West" than that! :) I wouldn't worry about it too much, and if the family says something, then you can think about how you want to handle that. Have fun on the trip!

It's not wrong that your children don't use the TN manners, but they might get corrected by a relative or two. If they're old enough to explain this to, I would prepare them for it and explain to them that if great grandma (or whoever) asks them to use these words that it is most respectful for them to do so around that person. My step siblings often got corrected by their French relatives. They prepared me before visiting so that I could avoid the embarrassment of correction. I tried, but still got corrected (in a lighthearted way) for being too fake in my cheek kissing. I was a missionary in TN and loved all the "Ma'am"'s and "Sir"'s. I wish I could teach the same to my children, but not growing up with much of it myself, it is hard to change my own behavior to therefore teach to my children, especially since there is no one else around us speaking this way. So I understand. But I can just picture a well meaning TN relative trying to teach your children what you aren't teaching them. Just take it graciously if it does happen. Good luck! I wish I could be in TN myself!

hmm. maybe if your children are old enough to understand just try to ask them if they can use the ma'am's and sir's just while they are down there? just a thought. good luck.

I've no idea if folks will think you children don't have nice manners. However, as a 5th generation Texan who's raised three children in Texas, "yes/no, Ma'am/Sir" is definitely a show of good manners as well as respect. Tone of voice is important, too.

Honestly, it's such a habit with us that I rarely think about it until someone raises a question/discussion. Is it good or bad? I don't really know. It's just something we're accustomed to doing.

Enjoy your visit with family!

Hi there,

I was raised to say Sir and Ma'am by my mid-western Dad and southern Mom. Dad was also military, as was my Grandpa on my Mom's side, so some of that played into the whole Sir/Ma'am thing too, as it is a sign of respect to your superiors (or in the case of our family, to your elders). We do as one of your other posters had mentioned with the sir/ma'am or Miss/Mr (first name) if it is someone we are close to. It was just how I was raised and we have continued this with our daughter. However, I don't think this is the only way for kids to show manners; it is just what I was used to growing up. In today's society I am just happy when I run across nice, polite kids that know how to say "please" and "thank you" and "excuse me" since they seem to be all too few and far between these days, at least in my experience. But I don't blame the kids for their lack of manners, since it is obviously not taught at home when the parents are acting just as rude as their offspring! To actually answer your question, I don't think your kids will be viewed as ill mannered if they are doing as you taught them to do. Please and thank you go a long way! :) Have a great trip, TN is so pretty!

According to reliable sources (that's sort of a joke), the Northern equivalent of "Yes, ma'am," and "No, sir," are "Yes, Grandma," and "No, Mr. Smith." The name is used instead of "ma'am" and "sir." This is very courteous in that most people love to hear their own names spoken with respect! But you're right, too - the tone of voice is just as communicative as (or more than) the words that are said. "Please" and "thank you" are essentials.

As I think about it, "ma'am" ("madam") and "sir" are generic personal titles of honor, just as "Grandpa," "Mrs. Wilson," and "Aunt Lizzie" are, as opposed to "Ron," "Hilda", and "Uh, hello" (without reference to the person being spoken to). It's so common nowadays to be called by one's first name, even by absolute strangers, that being referred to by a proper title can be refreshing, not stuffy!

If I were you, I'd teach my children along those lines; any regional differences will probably be excused with, "Well, you know, they're not Southerners! But aren't their children well-mannered!"

When we were in Judo, we were taught to say yes, Sensei and no, Sensei or it was push-ups and we were expected to take it home and say yes, Mom and no, Dad. So that was how it was in my mid-western dad and step-mom's house, but we didn't take that outside Judo and our house, but still were all considered very polite kids.

In my mom's house, we had to call people Mrs./Ms./Mr. And their first name, which I didn't mind when they were much older than me, but when my mom corrected me for calling on of my co-workers by just their first name, I learned to hate it, but I still did it! We were also expected to answer the phone "(our last name) residence"-which my step-dad still does, even with caller ID and he knows it's me-LOL!

Now that I have kids, my 2 1/2 year old is learning to say yes, Mom and no, Dad,but outside the home he says (without us even telling him, I might add) yes, please and no, thank you and I get lots of complients on how polite he is. As far as Mrs./Mr., I make an attempt to ask people we are around often what they prefer my kids to call them, but new people, I just do it probably half out of habit and half because I don't know what else to call them :-)! We have not started phone etiquette, but I'm planning on having him practice how to make and receive phone calls when he is old enough to do it appropriately.

Anyway, I think as long as your child uses please and thank you, he will be steps above a LOT of kids (I work with elementary age kids regularly and am appalled at the lack of manners sometimes-especially just in saying please and thank you and showing adults-and even each other-respect)!

Great question! Loved all the helpful responses!