My boyfriend has a daughter that has a drug and drinking problem. He always "helps" her out whenever she gets into trouble. He feels resopnsible for her even though she is 27 years old. I feel that his "help" is only enabling her. How do I talk to him about his enabling without becoming the "bad guy"?
There are many enablers out there! It is part of their personality. They don't see what they are doing. AF
If you want to talk to him......this is one way to go......
Don't be critical of his parenting AT ALL. Possibly begin with something like this (of course with your words and how you really feel that is true),
"Honey, your daughter is a beautiful girl. I know how much you love her and how much you put into being a great Dad. I want the best for her, and for you. I would be more than willing to help you come up with strategies on how to help her, if you would willing. Is that okay?"
But, I tend to think he won't want to talk to you about it and this may close a door. You know him best. So what I would encourage you to do instead is ask him to go to Alanon with you. Let them (not you) point out the problems of enabling. Then you can be a support system for him.
M., I'm going to tell you that even if he says okay to either idea he may not really want that. I have seen parents that enable their kids just unable to change. There is a dynamic between parent and child that is just very very tough. You may have to accept this is HIS journey.
You're right. Go to an Alanon meeting yourself and then ask him to go with you.
hi M.,
you are wise to foresee the problems that opening this subject could bring. that being said, as an important person in your boyfriend's life, you do also have some sort of a calling to discuss this as frankly and lovingly as possible. make sure that your conversation centers around love and concern for both of them, never a hint of judgment or irritation. and it's probably best done in steps......not in a nagging way, but in a way that ensures you're not drowning him in new ways of thinking.
my family has encountered this problem. NOT addressing it led to some terrible outcomes. your love is fortunate to have you, both for wanting to address it and for caring so much that you are concerned for how he takes it. be gentle and progressive in your approach.
good luck.
khairete
S.
Let him watch the show internevntion, or better yet actually go talk to an interventionist. My ex was an alcoholic, and I thought the rehab counsler I talked to was crazy for suggesting that I attend meetings. But they are meetings for family members who have enabled the addicts in their families. Try Al Anon for the drinking problem (they have meetings all over) and I am sure there are similair meetings for families of drug addicts. Good luck.
Watch a Dr. Phil show with him about this very issue. Enabling can be dangerous for both of them, and if you approach him as a caring and concerned individual from a professional source, he may learn something.
http://drphil.com/shows/show/1424
some good q&a's to read through:
I don't think he is right for helping her and there is really nothing you can do about it except to distance yourself from them. Just picture what the holiday's will be like sitting across from a drugged out scum bag and who ever she found to bring around to eat your food that day. You are putting yourself in danger peo. who have these habits are lier's and thieves and the minute dad stops coughing up cash how do you think she will support her habit or pay for a place to live maybe his couch? I would let him know that this is to much baggage for you and when he isn't finacially obligated to his adult daughter then the both of you could move forward or maybe that isn't his intention with you would he seriously think you would want to co-mingle your money or property with that daughter hanging around you think he would be embrassed about her.
Dear M., What a great girlfriend/partner you are. I agree wholeheartedly with M.'s advice so I will not repeat. Only to add, he is lucky to have you.
Jilly
