Husbands Drug Addiction

I think it would be good to talk to your husband's doctor privately about your concerns. It sounds like he needs help, but he doesn't want to admit it yet. Mentioning divorce "to scare him" is manipulative and could cause real damage to your relationship (it sounds like you love him and don't really want to call it quits). He needs to know that you care about him but that you're really concerned, and you're concerned about your boys, not only for their health and well-being but also what kind of role model their father is.

Alanon is a group for people who have a family member with an addiction. It is a wonderful support network. Contact the alcohol and drug treatment center in your community or the local mental health center. They can give you the meeting dates and times.

He has a problem. Until he recognizes he has a problem he will not get help. Get help for yourself and your childen. Alanon will help you learn how to tell him he needs help.

Hello Stacy,

I also have a husband who has back pain. His is due from 2 back surgeries with the last one an open spine fusion where he had spacers, rods and screws put into his spine. I have been fortunate that he hasn't been addicted (mentally) to the pain meds he's been on for the last 20 years. I can tell you he's addicted (physically) as there's just no way around it. It's been a very rough road seeing all of the doctors, pain clinics and now he's seeing a physiciatrist who's treating him for depression and pain. He's went thru epidurals prior to his surgeries and after. He's been on all pain meds and now he's on the most addictive and highest dose a person can be on. The best advice I can give you is to love him. It's so hard to see someone you love living in pain 24/7. And it's a strain on any relationship. My husband has been in counseling for years on and off and is now going back to counseling as he is now at the point that he can no longer work. His biggest issue has been dealing with the fact that he can no longer provide for the family financially. My suggestion would be to have a heart to heart with you husband. Don't start with "you are addicted or you seem to be taking more pills or anything negative about him." Start with how YOU feel,"Honey I'm really concerned and explain how you really feel and your concerns for your children and future for the whole family." Don't try to pin it on him. Turn it around.
You need to establish whether he's mentally or physically addicted to the medications. Either way though he really needs to get into a physciatrist and counseling. In fact you both need to. I attend all doctor appt and counseling with my husband. As this has not only changed his life but mine and ours as a family. It's a life changing issue and sounds like he's not coping as he should. Feel free to email to offer any help or moral support I can. I wish you and your family well. And you will be the main support for all of this. It's alot on your shoulders, trust me, but if you love him and want to maintain the family it's well worth the pain and struggle you will be facing. It's not an easy road by any means. My email address is ____@____.com make sure you put "help" in the subject line as I don't open any emails I'm not sure who their from.
Sincerely
P. Estes
West Virginia

Your hubby needs help. He is addicted to those pain meds, and is probably buying extra off the street. Talk to him about it. Don't make threats; tell him that you think he is addicted and you want to help him and protect his family. Talk to his doctor(s) about your concerns and see if they can help. Get educated about addiction (Nar-Anon is a good place to start.) For your family's sake, and your peace of mind, put your paycheck in a place/account he can't get at. Addicts lose the inhibitions and you cannot trust them. Sounds bad, but that's what the craving does. He needs to learn to control his pain; I have had back pain since 1975 and you can control it, deal with it, without a lot of pain medication, and most times, none.It will take courage on his part. We'll pray. Get to work.

Did his Dr's try pain management for the back pain? I am fortunate that my husband, when he broke his neck and pierced a nerve, HATES pills so he was back to work a week after his surgery without meds.

Pain management is used to limit the amount of drugs going into the body. I have a friend of mine with bladder cancer who is going through a clinic now.

If his Dr. didn't try this approach then see if they will try it out. Also did they do any physical therapy?

Hope this helps alittle.

If you need some advice I can give you my husbands email address. He can steer you in the right direction and he gives great advice. He has been clean and sober for almost 19 years and still goes to three NA meetings a week. Not just for him but to help others with addiction. Just send me a private email if your interested.

K.

If at all possible, have a face-to-face meeting with his doctor and his pharmacist (if not, then talk to them over the phone). If he sees more than one doctor, or gets his prescriptions filled at more than one pharmacy, see all of them, and let all of them know about the others. Share your concerns with the doctor and the pharmacist, and *definitely* tell the doctor that he is getting pills from other people. Because of patient privacy, they will not be able to do much or tell you much, but that won't stop you from being able to tell them. Then ask for them to help -- either to talk to your husband about his need for pain pills, or to recommend a counselor of some sort that can help you and him with this process, so that when you bring this up to your husband, you can do it in the right way. Perhaps you can research alternatives to drugs (chiropractic care, physical therapy or something), and have your doctor present that to your husband as "the next step" since the drugs aren't managing his pain any more. It'll sound better coming from "the authority" than his wife.

First of all sweetie it is illegal to give someone your prescription medications. IF his car wreck was 5 years ago and he is STILL having pain from it, he needs to see the DR again! If all he thinks about all day is how to get more pills-he is addicted. I would not scare him with the divorce thing unless you mean it. But I would tell him your concerns. Prescription medication is the #1 drug of choice for addicts! Tell him he no longer sees the world through clear eyes, they are now glazed over b/c of the meds. I would strongly recommend you go with him to his DR appointment so that he will feel your support and is willing to deal with this issue with the Dr. Best of Luck!

Contact an intervention specialist so you can confront him in a loving way and get him the help he needs. My husband is an addiction counselor and could give you the name of a good interventionist in your area, if needed.

Call his doctor to discuss the possibility of addiction to the meds.

S.-
I am the 34-year old daughter of an addict. I know my story is just one perspective, but I also know first hand what it is like to live with an addict and how it effects the entire family. And, for the record, I had a 'normal' family for the most part..we went to church, kids were on the honor roll; we were 'good people', we just had a big secret...one my parents thought was hidden even from me and my sister, but it was not and has affected us to this day. It can happen to anyone.

My first piece of advise is to do research on your own. There are organizations for the families of addicts. You need to educate yourself on the warning signs (I see two big ones- unaccounted for money and getting meds from friends) and tips for your next steps. Alanon and Narcotics Anonymous has a version, I believe is called Narcanon, which is for families. Check the internet and the newspaper.

This is not something you should do alone. Talk to a good friend, but preferable a counselor/clergy with some experience in this.

Also, don't make threats you are not willing to back up.

Please don't think that your husband is a 'lost cause'. I don't think that at all, but he is in need of help. In the same breath, you and your kids are in need of help. I encourage you to check your finances. Drugs make people do things they would never dream of doing (stealing the kids college funds, stealing at work, secretly borrowing $$ from 5-6 family members, etc.). No matter how much you love, you cannot trust an addict.

You didn't say how old your kids are, but I will say from experience that kids know and even in the most protected situations, they are affected by this. Statistically, boys of addicted fathers have a higher risk of being addicts themselves. Also, your husband may be putting their lives at risk if he is driving them while on pain meds, etc.

There is hope, but your husband needs your help and 'tough love'. You can't make him change, so if he will not do it himself, you need to take care of your and your son's needs.

I wish you all the best. My prayer to you and your family is for courage and stength.

all I can say is INTERVENTION! he doesn't see it as a problem, but if you don't know where his money is going, and are having to take care of everything, and you can see that his problem is getting worse, he is no longer in control enough to stop it. YOU have to be the one to stop it however you can, for his sake, but also for you and your children! GET HELP!

God bless you and your family! You will be in my prayers!
A.

http://www.cnn.com/2008/HEALTH/06/12/mens.symptoms/index....

#5 prescription drugs.

Sounds like he needs an intervention with family and friends who love him. Maybe your spiritual counselor can help. There are lots of places to detox and get treatment. It sounds like he needs to do this if not for himself then for you and your kids. You should not put this off any longer, he is endangering himself and others. Get him help! I know how hard it will be but trust me you need to do it.

S.,( My name is V.)
I personally know of love ones with pills addiction. Trust me eventually it becomes just as bad as any other addiction.To the point were he will be so sick with withdrawls all he can do is lay on the couch 1 to 2 days at a time.Your husband may be in denial only because he's on precription drugs. But yet he's obtaining them illegally(from co-workers).He needs to seek help.I will say a prayer for you all. I pray God open his eyes to see he needs help,before he loses his precious family. I pray God will strengthen you through it all.

Do not try to scare him with a divorce unless you actually plan to follow through with your threat. Otherwise he will know that it is an empty threat and it may backfire on you.

Call his doctor, and ask that your conversation be confidental. Explain what is happening and ask that he help you wean your husband off the meds, or talk about other medical implants to aid with pain control. I hope this helps, stay pro-active. God bless---Kris

Pills are overprescribed by doctors and have become a big problem and cause of addiction. You have to talk to your husband about your concerns for his health and the health of your family (emotional and physical). You will probably have to put an ultimatum on him because addicts are great manipulators and also live in denial (I know from experience).
It will only get worse if he doesn't seek counseling and get off the pills. You have to do what's best for you and the kids and do not enable him or he'll never quit. You should probably seek counseling for yourself in order to be strong and do the right thing. A drug and alcohol counselor can help you deal with this the best way possible.

Good luck!!

hi
I don't think that I would use the divorce word but maybe talk to his doctor first with him to see what he is suppose to be taking. If you feel that it is an addiction, see if you can get him to go to counseling. Sometimes it does take that tough love approach to get people to see that they need help. They will only seek help when they get to the end of their rope and realize that they are really addicted. That tough love approach and what it should consist of can only be decided by you. Pray that everything works out for you.
R. C

If he is getting pills from co-workers, then he is addicted. If you are making excuses for him to other people, then you are his enabler. Of course he says it's not a problem. Addicts, to anything, do not recognize a problem until they HAVE to. Stop enabling him and do not coddle him. Tough love is hard, but if you are supporting him through all of this then it is only making things worse. You cannot make him stop taking them, but you do not have to enable him. If his money is disapperaring, then he is likely getting more pills from other sources - not necessarily legal ones. You can call his doctor. His doctor may not talk to you, but he will listen. If you have no intention of following through with the threat of divorce, then don't tell him you are going to do it. Right now the addiction is stronger than anything else so your bluff would likely be called. Don't threaten to do anything you will not follow through on. If you really will take the boys and leave, then tell him so. He needs help. So do you. There are many good support groups for families of addicts. Nar-anon may be a good place to start. Even if he won't get help, S., you cannot just wait as he self destructs. Get help for you and your boys.
God Bless,
J.

If you want a divorce, then get a divorce. You shouldn't ever use that as a way to 'scare' your spouse into doing anything. If he is truly addicted then you need to get him help, not try to manipulate him. Call his doctor and let him know your fears. Addicts have no sense of reality, so of course he will say he is not addicted to the pain medication. Call around to some couselors and therapists and get some help for yourself and him. Just let him know that he can trust you and that you are there to help him through this tough time.

i have been dealing with the same problem for at least 5-6 years, my husbands doctor gave them to him a first, and now he is on methadone, it is so stressful, i have a 17 month old child and its very hard, i struggle each day with what to do

It sounds like he really needs help. He really needs to find a good doctor that is willing to help him figure out his pain and how to handle it. Maybe he needs surgery? He definitely needs a second, third, even fourth opinion. You should go to the doctor with him...and possibly even contact the doctor beforehand to warn about the pain killer problem. This can become a really serious issue.

Aside from the physical part, you need to sit him down and have a serious talk about your concerns. It's not OK or normal to take pain killers given to you by people who aren't doctors. That's a sign of addiction, and he should know that (and probably deep down already does). You need to tell him your concerns about the affects this could potentially have on your children, your finances, and that when these things become in jeopardy that the marriage is going to suffer, if it's not already. I wouldn't threaten him with divorce unless you're seriously considering it. That would be manipulation, and you wouldn't want him to hold it over your head in the future. You could tell him that you've thought of a trial separation if he doesn't get the help he needs, because you are seriously worried about his wellbeing, which you obviously are.

Good luck and God bless! You can figure this out, but it's likely going to take some time.

I'm sorry you're going through this S.. Just be supportive and kind and diligently pray for your husband. He really needs professional help with getting off these pills. He relies on them now just as we rely on air to be there for us. I wouldn't throw the word divorce at him...he has enough on his plate. I would, however, mention that you are willing to go with him to therapy or whatever he needs to get through this. I would ask him if you can pray together each morning and each night. There is so much power in prayer. I have a feeling if this continues it will lead to harder drugs and even something illegal. This will follow with legal fees and will snowball into something uncontrollable for your family. Remember that before we are sent rocks and boulders that plow us down we are sent little pebbles that we can try and deal with. S., it's still in your control. I wouldn't think twice with involving his parents or siblings or best buddies. It's no embarrassment to have weak moments in our lives. We were never promised an easy life...just help when we need it. Good luck and I will pray for your family! Blessings. K. S.

My sister-in-law has been going through this exact same situation only she never knew her husband was taking the pain pills. She confronted him about all of their money dwindling away so fast because she thought he must be having an affair and he confessed everything. He told her he would stop and 2 days later called his father to take him to rehab to detox because the withdrawals were so bad. He only went to rehab for a week which was worthless and he was back on them almost instantly...even though he was still attending the NA meetings. She started attending weekly support group meetings with other family members of addicts to learn how to cope and how to watch for signs that he may be using again. A couple months later he went back for another week and the cycle started again. She was worried for her boys especially riding around in the car with him so she finally kicked him out of their house. He ended up losing his job and was close to losing his family and decided to admit himself into a long term facility. It was very hard on him being away from his wife and boys, but that is what finally helped him. They both attend meetings regularly. He looks back on pictures now and doesn't even remember being in them. It's very sad. He's an electrician and was recently electrocuted on the job and severely burned, but he had to suffer through the whole thing with no meds. It's been over 2 years now and is still a day to day process, but he's been doing great so far.

You need to seek professional help and do an intervention. Check to see if his employer as an EAP (employee assistance program).

Never make threats you aren't prepared to keep.

Is he working and bringing home a check? Sounds like he needs a 12 step program. Addicts can lie, and make you think you are the lying one. I would get to an al anon for drug users families, and seek advice. Start watching the money, and keep yours safe. They will sell their children and wife to get relief.

you are right!!! There are some intervention numbers in the telephone book and if you have a pastor, he may be able to approach your husband. Don't back off! An addicted person, though wonderful at heart, has a huge problem and the quicker you ask for help and intervention the better it will be. Be up front with him. Stand your ground nicely and tell him your thoughts and tell him that he either gets help of he has to leave. Maybe tha will shock him into reality. Don't let him fool you.

S.,

A friend of mine was in your husband's position. Her back was broken with baby number 2, back surgery, then baby number 3, and in the process of having another back surgery when baby number 4 happened. Unfortuantely, she was the breadwinner, mother of 3 and expecting when things became pretty bad. There was a 4 year decline, increasing dosage of oxycodone, and increased side effects (namely apathy), not to mention the growing money problems. Doctor's didn't want to assume her case, b/c she was so high risk. I don't think her husband noticed the gradual decline being so close to the situation and a stay-at-home dad.

Being on the outside, I noticed these things and became a confidant. We all were concerned about her, the meds, and how this was effecting the fetus and her newborn. Her death (about 6 mo. after baby #4 was born), was ruled suspicious, but there is no doubt in my mind that she overdosed and mixed in alcohol and tobacco, and I'm certain she sucided. I know this isn't what you want to hear especially with a loved one on the same road.

The best advice I can give you is to stay proactive about this, get involved with the doctors, his work (co-workers and boss), and if you gave to be a parent to him, especially if the meds are affecting his mind. Make sure you have authority for the doctors and psychologists to release medical information to you. (The mental health is usually a seperate form) This way, you both can freely communicate about his condition. Get control of the money, for the sake of you and the boys. (I know this will be a blow to him, yet we are talking about an extra ordinary case). Make sure wills and life insurances and living wills are all in place (His road will either lead one of 2 ways, life or death, be prepared for both). You never know if he will be driving and an accident happens. Who says you every are really prepared. When you have things in order, you're going to need to talk with the boys. I know you want to shelter them from this, but they will be seeing the effects and watching both of you closely. You will need to be honest and open about their father's condition. I'm not suggesting every single detail especially if they are little. Hopefully, dad will be on board for wanting to get well.

Do not scare him into divorce. That is unless you are ready to persue it. What ever you do, set your priorities. Give him to choice. Either he wants to get well or not. The entire family has got to be on board with this as well, his family, your family. You will need a support group, a group removed from the situation, but also who has been through something like this. Get your support in place first!!!! Get educated and informed!!! Get the gameplan!!! All this before bringing in the friends, work, family. Give the choice to him, then bring in the family.

This is going to be really hard for all of you. I helped my friend to the best of my abilities, even showing tough love. She was unwilling to get well. Both her and her husband would rather whine and sweep this all under the rug. Her work was the same way, assuming that she was smart enough to take care of things the right way, even in her depraived, and post-pardum state. What an very wrong assumption.

ps. I'm re-reading this post and want to mention something about his work. They, will no doubt want to be loyal to him. If you do decide to contact his boss, it could lead to his dismissal. However, I remember an Oprah episode of a wife in an abusive situation who documented with dates and specific events that lead to the imprisionment of her abuser. If his situation turns nasty (heaven forbid a divorce and custody), you will need this sort of information to protect him and yourselves. (I'm not suggesting that he will become an abusive husband here.) This may also be grounds for checking him into special programs to facilitate his healing. If legal counsel becomes involved, this is the sort of information they will need. Not to mention the doctors.

My prayers are with you and your family.

My school bus that I drove here in the mountains was hit by a truck and caused me to have back injuries. Pain pills are addictive and they will slip up on you into an addiction. My advice is to go to his doctor who is prescribing the pills and explain what you see and believe and see if this doctor can start weaning him off these pills and use alternative medicine. I did not want to believe I was becoming addicted because I needed them to make me comfortable but its an altered state of mind and I stayed in bed alot and never was too active, just wasting my days. Exercise in a trained facility is one miracle worker on pain. If I had not gone thru this, I could have not told you a thing. But I have and I pray that he will accept the fact he is dependent on these meds to survive each day but not in reality. Two accidents probably put him over the top. I go to counseling to get over my bus accident. Sometimes it is fear that sets one apart from the rest, that no one could possibly understand what we are going thru and this is simply not true. You care enough to get him help. Now you have to go thru with it. Be supportive, not threatening as this will only make matters worse. It is sorta like "tough love" that we use on our children sometimes. Eventually he will understand and thank you...although it probably won't be right away, but eventually. Good luck.

Try Talking with him about the pain in his back in a diffrent way, when you talk with hem be concerned about him, not the pills. Try to get him to try a diffrent aproach to pain management. Chiropratic Care, Acupuntre, or some other natule health care alternitive. These opptions may be able to help you gat the drugs out of the house and your husband out of pain for good. Hope this helps.

There is a wonderful group called Alanon. It's primary purpose is to help those peolpe who are affected by issues such as yours. You can google them and find local meetings in your area. I suggest you go, it has saved the sanity and lives of many families.
Best to you,
M.