My birthday is coming up in a few days. Every year it seems my husband asks me what I want to do, and then I tell him, and then he tells me why that won't work. Last year I turned 40 and I really didn't want to do anything, but he bullied me until I said "okay" to a big family dinner, then came up with a bunch of reasons why we couldn't go to the restaurant I wanted. So I wound up going to a dinner I didn't want, at a restaurant I didn't want, because it worked out better for everyone else that way.
This year, his mom is offering to make me dinner. She makes dinner for each of her kids on their birthdays, but I REALLY don't want to start that tradition. I don't especially enjoy being around them, and I don't want to feel obligated to spend my birthday with them every year!
I've told my husband I don't want to do it. He let it drop for a night and then again tonight he asked me, "Are you sure you don't want my mom to make dinner for you? It will probably hurt her feelings."
I don't want to hurt her feelings but I just don't want to start dreading my birthday every year, and I feel like that's where this is headed.
The other thing that complicates this is that she and her husband are on a very limited fixed income. If she doesn't cook me dinner, she will probably spend money on a gift for me instead which would make me feel bad, or if we go to dinner and invite them, I'd hate for them to feel obligated to come when they can't really afford it. I'd be happy to pay for their dinner, but I'm afraid that would make them feel embarrassed.
Am I being selfish? Should I just go every year and deal with it as one of those family things you just have to do? Or is there a polite way to turn her down (preferably that signifies I don't ever want to do it, so I don't just find myself making excuses every year)?
Thanks for all the advice, ladies. In the end, it sort of worked itself out without much hassle. The hubster and I went out for dinner on my birthday (at the restaurant I wanted). My MIL's birthday is about a week after mine, so we had the family meet at a local park for a picnic to celebrate both birthdays at once, on the weekend between them. It all worked out great.
Any reason why you can't tell your husband that what you really, really want is to have a quiet date night with him? Hard for anyone to argue with that... :)
oh my! you are awfully obliging. if my own wishes were this routinely discounted by my mate and lover, i'd be pretty peeved.
at what point does your birthday get to be about you?
unfortunately it sounds as if you have a long tradition of giving way and being acquiescent, so it will be harder to decline politely and be clear about what you do want. but if you don't want to do this for the rest of your life, you'd better start asserting yourself nicely now.
to husband 'yes, sweetheart, i'm quite sure. this is what i want to do on my birthday. (tell him. in detail.) we can have dinner with your mom another night if she likes.'
to your MIL 'thanks, MIL! that's a really lovely offer. i'm afraid i can't take you up on it because dh and i are planning to do X for my birthday. i'm really looking forward to it! is there a night the following week we could get together?'
stand your ground, hon. it really can be done courteously and clearly. do NOT allow yourself to be guilted into thinking this is a family obligation. it's not. it's your birthday.
khairete
S.
Short and simple:
Your birthday, your choice.
If hubby gives you a guilt trip, just say "That's fine. We can stay home then."
I am assuming he gets to do what he wants on HIS birthday.
Your mother in law sounds like a caring person, but your husband sounds like a jerk. Sorry.
Could you let your MIL cook you lunch? You could say, "I think you are so caring to want to celebrate my birthday, but I do have plans in the evening. Can we have lunch, just the two of us?"
I can't wrap my mind around your husband's desire to control what happens on your birthday. Tell him what you want and that it hurts you to have him change things to suit HIM on your birthday.
I hope you have a wonderful birthday. :)
i say it sounds like you have never really insisted on doing what YOU want, so they might be surprised you'd mention it now. sure you mentioned it before, but as soon as it was shot down, you just took it and went with the flow, right?
decide what YOU want. can you deal with the inlaws graciously for one meal when they are making such a nice gesture? if so i suggest do it, that's family.
but you can ALSO do what YOU want. no reason you shouldn't. and also, no reason you can't do both.
Why isn't your DH offering to take you to the dinner of your choice, or to make you the dinner of your choice? He's the one that married you, he should be taking some initiative. I prefer to spend my birthday with my immediate family & save the extended family for another day. Can't you pose the same scenario to him? Why wouldn't you just tell him what you wanted? He can't read your mind, ya know?
I really don't think this is about the birthday dinner, is it? Is he normally this inconsiderate?
You can pre-empt all of this by coming up with your own plan and have reservations in place before they even ask.
"No. Sorry. Can't. I've got a spa day reservation and I'll be there all day!".
And then stick with it.
I've only read Suz T.'s response, and I agree wholeheartedly. Don't worry about being "polite" with your husband. Don't lash out, but you should be able to speak freely with him about what you want and don't want. Unless she asks you directly, let him be responsible for declining her offer from HIS MOTHER. Buffering his side of the family is part of his job as your husband. You don't even have to tell him that you don't want to fall into the trap of committing to being with them every year on your birthday. Leave that here with us because it's none of his business, unless they mistreat you. Just let him know each year what you're "in the mood" for. If it's not them, then it's just not.
You are NOT being selfish to want to celebrate YOUR birthday YOUR way. How about you play it by ear from year to year and just do what feels good to you for each birthday? Maybe one year you won't mind letting her prepare dinner (if she asks) if you feel confident that you reserve the right to decline the same offer the following year.
The best system I've ever found, after a lifetime of being the world's biggest pushover, is to use a simple variation on "No, that doesn't work for me." That can be preceded by honoring the request, maybe something like, "Oh, what a sweet offer!" in your case. Follow that with the magic word "AND" to connect to your refusal. That way the asker doesn't feel you simply rejected her offer; you considered it AND considered your own preference. (The word "but" has the unfortunate effect of dismissing the asker emotionally.)
I think it's a mistake to make excuses, even if they are true – it may work this time, but it won't make future requests go away. What excuse will you use next time? Likewise making up a false story, which can have the unfortunate result of getting you caught in the lie, and then feelings will be even more hurt.
We all have a right to need or want what we personally need or want, and to decide whether we'll give up our special day to make somebody else "happy" or not. Your MIL has a right to feel whatever she feels when she hears your refusal. That's not really your business – taking care of your own needs and feelings is your business.
For all you know, she may actually be relieved not having to expand her cooking efforts for more people's birthdays. She may be afraid YOU'LL feel hurt if she doesn't include you in this tradition. Kindness is a wonderful gesture all around, and I've finally learned that one CAN say no kindly.
Happy birthday, K.! Let us know how you handled it, and how it worked out.
Here's my view. You are right that you shouldn't have to spend your birthday with your inlaws. However, you should let her have dinner for you regardless of how much you don't like spending time with them, UNLESS they are mean to you. If they are mean to you, just tell your husband that you will refuse to get in the car if he tries to bully you into going there for your birthday.
However, I'm going to assume that this isn't the case.
So, call your MIL in front of your husband and tell her that you understand that she wants to fix a dinner for your birthday. Tell her that's very nice of her. Tell her that you would like it to be the weekend before your birthday on "x" night. If she asks about your actual birthday, tell her that you have plans of your own for your birthday, and repeat when you want to have it.
By taking the bull by the horns and calling her up in front of your husband (don't ask him - just do it), there will be no chance for him to corner you into this.
And if THIS hurts your MIL's feelings, well, then she is just looking to be hurt.
I have to say that if my husband tried this stuff on me that you are talking about, I'd go out BY MYSELF for my birthday.
Sending you strength~
Dawn
Compromise. Tell your husband exactly what YOU want to do on YOUR birthday and do it! But.... ask your MIL if she wouldn't mind celebrating another night with her thoughtful dinner. Pick a convenient night for everyone..... but not ON YOUR BIRTHDAY.
...tell MIL you have plans on your actual birthday, but would love a chance to enjoy a birthday meal on the week-end before/after your birthday. Keep in mind that "sitting in my PJs, eating ice cream, and watching Dr. Who" is a PLAN. No one needs to know what your plan is, but if she asks, tell her, "I am going out to my favorite restaurant" or something else vague but true.
TELL your husband what you are doing on your birthday and that you'd love to have him join you. Don't tell him what you would LIKE to do - tell him what you are doing!!! If he does not join you, go do it regardless. If you don't want to be alone, ask a girlfriend to be a back-up support person....
This will feel bitchy the first time you do it, but it's not. It's just not allowing others to drive your life.
When people do to us what your husband is doing, then this is for their benefit too; OBVIOUSLY they need someone to assertively help them not mistreat the people they love.
I think you should try your best to take care of this now so you don't have to worry about future birthdays. Your birthdays should be fun for you! Tell your MIL and husband that you have plans for your actual birthday, and say it would be wonderful to enjoy some cake or dessert with them or even a lunch earlier in the day or on another day. Then, inform your husband what your plans are and stick to them! He should be willing to bend for you on your day and it sounds like you haven't stood up for yourself strongly enough in the past. You deserve it!
Hummm Maybe - Tell you in-laws that birthdays are a private matter for you. That you're not like othere people about your b-day and you like to take each birthday differently as it comes depending upon your year. That you like to use it as a kind of self evaluating time in quietute and solace - a time to spend alone kind of thing.
This may work.
And of course being polite and thankfully saying no thank you.
Just some thoughts
Good Luck with this
So what do you really want for your birthday? communicate.
For us personally we do things all year long, get what we want/need when we want/need instead of waiting on a Hallmark day. I'm just glad hubby and daughter say HB and I'm good to go.. A big to-do is not my thing. He surprised me with a car at 40. 45 and when I hit 50 my dream car SL550 but he presented it to me 9 months early. I didn't care if it wasnt on my actual. BD.
Allow your MIL to do something nice for you. Plan it the weekend before or after if you want your day to yourself but appreciate that she's recognizing you.
Just be open and honest with hubby. If you are the type to celebrate a bd month, week, etc. just let people know!
Happy Birthday!
I think Anonymous and Dawn are very smart with their answers. I would go to dinner at my Mil's house....for one, you're possibly right in saying she's on a tight budget and it's either fix you a dinner or buy you something she probably can't afford. It wouldn't hurt. But I think Dawn had a great idea in saying "can we please have my dinner on ___" and talking to HER not your husband, because husbands are so lousy when it comes to passing messages back and forth. Also, for your actual birthday, you have 3 options: do you want a date with your husband? Or to go to lunch or "something" with a girlfriend? Or go have a quiet "me date" where you can go do something quiet that you'd enjoy, that's out of your ordinary day to day routine? Jeremy sometimes watches the kids for me so I can take MYSELF on a date and go watch a movie, or have lunch somewhere and read a book, or whatever. One of those options would be good, and an excuse that shows you DO have plans and why this dinner can't be on your actual birthday. I hope you enjoy your day, whatever you decide to do. Happy birthday!
You have too many excuses and contridictions. Tell your husband where YOU want to go for your birthday. Tell your husband's mother that your husband is taking you out for your birthday but you would love to have her fix a birthday dinner on another evening.
If none of this works for your and/or your husband could care less what you want/feel/think etc....DIVORCE and start living your own life.
If I were in your shoes, I would definitely go to MIL house for her invitation to dinner. Because of my husband's work and travel, we sometimes celebrate my birthday a week in advance so it turns in to days of celebrating ME! Enjoy every invite you get and realize that in her case she feels like she's doing something special for you ... my dad loved to see us around the table and enjoy the time together. That was our "family" celebration each year and then me/hubby picked a day as close as possible to do something else. I would rather do the more special couple thing on my birthday and family another day. That's what we usually do. I got more than one dinner .. no cooking/cleaning and no-one got hurt.
First of all Happy Birthday, and now to your question..It sounds like you don't get your way on your birthday, and you should, it's your day. Maybe instead of dinner with your husbands family try to make it just cake and icecream. You could always talk to your mother in law and tell her that although you appreciate the dinner offer you would be happier with something simple like dessert only. That way her feelings won't get really hurt, and just stress to her that you really don't want gifts, that a simple birthday wish would make you happy. I hope this helps.
Just think about what you DO want to do and plan it. Maybe your husband can tell his mom, sorry mom, but I'm taking my wife out for a romantic dinner just the two of us. If she gets you a gift just say thanks...don't worry about if you like it or not. Some people like to buy gifts. Enjoy your birthday and don't worry so much about what other people think...just let them down kindly. :) My husband and I plan out our own birthdays each year...we tell each other what we want to do. This year I told him I wanted him to take me to an art museum and out to a nice lunch. He told me he wanted to do a triathalon that was going on on his birthday day and then have some friends over for dinner. We both had great days. Plan out what YOU want to do most! Tell your family, sorry but we have x planned already. Have fun!
Tell him you want to go to Hensley's and invite everyone from both sides of the family and all your dearest friends-take lots of pictures, make a memory, and Happy Birthday! If you deprive someone from making a sacrifice to do something nice for you, is that selfish? In a weird way-yes. It makes them a pleasure to give you something-so-say-come to my dinner party and I really want some new "flour sack" dish towels from Walmart or whatever-make it a bash-do you know how many times I have turned 40?
First of all,I see Birthdays as our own special holiday; K., you mentioned you turned 40 this past year (I'm getting there myself!). It's YOUR Birthday and no one elses. If it were me, because of the situation last year...I would absolutely go the restaurant you missed out on last year. YOU deserve it. I would be absolutely casual yet forthright about it..."we're going to "such and so s" at 7 p.m. on Sat night. It would be great if you could join us. Except, for hubby's parents who are on a tight income, I would make it clear that everyone can pay for their own dinner but it's time to enjoy each other's company and celebrate YOU! If they want to come, you all might have to pay for them. I have no doubt you've done that for many people and it's absolutely your turn now and all the other years!
