HELP...What Do You Do to Ensure That You Have Happy Kids?

Don't allow the drama! All my friends thought my husband and I were so mean for not allowing tantrums and whining and drama and exercising discipline to get those results. We never gave the kids everything or "tried" to make them happy. We told them what to do and to get over it a lot. We held them firmly to high standards, including discipline when necessary, and treated them with respect. They are now the happiest kids I know and totally drama free (except my 2 1/2 year old some days). Get the book Back to Basics Discipline. It's great on attitude and discipline and developing gracious spirits. good luck!

Drugs? No that's not it.

Honestly if you ask my older two they will say I allowed them to be kids. If they wanted to destroy their skin tumbling off a bike, fine, I clean up the wounds and move on. It is amazing to me that no one ever broke a bone. Clearly my younger two need to work on that. :P

I know my kids and I do not let books or other people convince me to doubt that. I push them to be more than is expected and the love that they pull that off. Really if you want happy kids pay attention to them, not anyone else, them!

I just read "Bringing up Bebe" by Pamela Druckerman. I recommend it. It was a good reminder that it is not my job as a mother to make my kids happy. It IS my job to set limits, boundaries, and to make decisions. Kids need this. Letting them do what they want, and make decisions for themselves that are parental decisions, does not make them happy. It makes them insecure, whiney, and unhappy. Parents need to be in charge.

I think having security and clearly defined boundaries helps kids to be happy. They will say you are mean, but in their core, they are happy that someone is paying attention and setting boundaries. It makes them feel safe and happy. If you're depressed and not being consistent, they would feel like the boundaries are not secure and then they don't feel secure which can lead to emotional outbursts.

Try to be consistent with them and enforce those boundaries. They will feel like they have a safety net and that will allow them to be kids!

Hmmm, well I suspect happy parents make happy children. This theory is both genetic AND environmental. Not to suggest unhappy parents CAN'T ever create happy children, or that HAPPY parents CAN'T create unhappy children....

However, I'd like to add, there is MUCH more to life then happiness. AND, that happiness can be defined a ZILLION different ways.

And that just cuz you don't have a silly grin plastered on your face 24 hrs a day, does not necessarily mean you can't live a fulfilling life of great substance.

:)

Well, it's hard to say, because every child is different, and combining 3 different personalities is bound to cause friction no matter what you do. I tend to be kind of a hardass with my kids, I guess. If they start to melt down or fight, I send them to their rooms until they can get hold of themselves. I don't do it to be mean, I just have zero ability to cope with whiny, loud, grating noises. I figure if they want to wail and rage, they can do it out of my earshot, and that's a-okay with me. Lately, my girls (6 and 9) have been a little better behaved, I think because I was recently laid off from my corporate job and went out on my own and formed my own business. Because I can set my own hours, I now have the luxury of not having to rush the kids around. We can take our time now (leave 10 minutes early to go to ballet, or take our time grocery shopping after school when the market isn't so crowded). That really helps all of us have a better outlook, which has amazed me.

I guess other than that, I have always had the viewpoint that I'm the CEO around here, and my kids are (at best) middle management. They have responsibilities and things they have to do, and they report to me (not the other way around). Our house is like a mini-corporation. :) They get bonuses for a job exceptionally well done, and if they behave badly, they're demoted! (Back to the mailroom with you, kiddo! LOL) But seriously, I just find that they seem more secure when we, the parents, are strong leaders. They have the ability to be creative and be kids, but at no time do they think they are running the show. My kids are always saying, "Mommy, you are sooooo meeeeean!" but we do often get comments from total strangers about how happy and joyful our kids are. Maybe they were born that way, or maybe they respond well to this form of parenting, or a little of both, or maybe they're happy in spite of me. Ha!

I am curious to see the other answers. I love this question! This is what makes this website so great. So many chances to see what's working for other parents and work that into our routine!

Most often, children reflect what's happening with the adults in the household. If the adults aren't happy then the children aren't happy. If the parents are stressed, the children are stressed. Children also need consistent boundaries and guidelines so that they know what to expect. Consistency and routine is vital.

Children model what they see and don't automatically know how to do things the right way. They need to be taught, not told and shown, not instructed.

The most difficult times I ever had with my children were when my husband and I were having the roughest time in our marriage and when I wasn't being treated during the worst of my anxiety and depression. Getting ourselves straightened out was the best thing we could have done with counseling and therapy.

I don't allow whining.
If you want to whine - do it in your room.
I am very structured.
There is a schedule and we stick to it -- for the most part.
Have your kids sit down and make a sibling constitution. We have a list of 6 rules that the children made up. It hangs between their rooms.
We have house rules. If you break a rule, you suffer the consequences. There is no wishy washy over here. Kids thrive on structure.
Find things to be positive about.
Have family dinners - let them talk about their days.
Spend time.
Play games.
Go bowling... whatever...
Volunteer as a family. Whatever our kids are involved in, we participate 100%. All of us... Mom and Dad and kids.
Just be together.
Laugh.
Enjoy each other's company.
Kids read you -- if you are miserable, they will be miserable.
Enjoy them and their successes.
Help them with their homework.
Be positive.
LBC

Are you happy? Do you provide your children with a consistent routine and have a consistent form of discipline? To my way of thinking that is what makes a happy family.

I suggest that you try family counseling. There is no way for you to provide sufficient info in one post for us to suggest ways to make kids happy. The topic is too general. But yet your question seems to say you and your kids are not happy and I know there are ways to turn that around.

After your added bit. My mother was depressed in the day before there was medication or even good counseling available. All of her children, including me, have suffered from depression all of our lives. You cannot afford to not get help for your depression.

Your mood is affected by the way your children act but that is not the cause of your depression. Depression is cause by our experiences but also by our brain chemistry. Medication will help you.

Talk with your primary care doctor about medication. That alone can make a difference. Check out counseling for low income people. The county has such a clinic. There will be a waiting list but it's worth waiting to get help. And if the first person and you don't mesh, then ask for a different one.

We teach our children the principles that lead to happiness. And by happiness I don't mean the temporary feelings of fun and excitement, but the deep inner joy that doesn't go away just because the entertainment ends or life throws you a challenge. For me, a huge part of this is faith in God and knowing we are all His children. Other principles that go hand in hand with this, but don't necessarily have to be religious beliefs (though for me they are) are respecting and loving yourself and others, having an attitude of gratitude, showing our love for others by being kind and helpful, and choosing to be happy regardless of what happens, and learning that making good choices helps us to feel happy no matter what anybody else is doing. This does not mean my children are happy all the time. These principles all take the long view on life, which children obviously don't really understand. However, as you talk about these things over and over and over again, they begin to understand. At the end of everyday we pray together as a family and thank God for all of our blessings. I think this also helps the kids to focus on those good things, even if there are also some bad things happening. Even if you don't pray, you can still share the things you are thankful for. I believe choosing to find the good in life and choosing a positive attitude are essential to happiness. Best wishes.

I will say do not go by what is protrade in other families. The grass is not always greener. A kid that is well to behaved is a kid who quite possible gets beat every day and is afraid to say anything. My 10 year is all about drama. Some are more drama driven than others. If you tell each one of them every day you love them give them a hug. If you give them a decent dinner every night and one on one time once a week. Then you are ahead of the game. You might want to check into there sleeping habits and make sure they are getting enough sleep. Also if possible and funds allow get them each into one afterschool activity. You know though I'd rather have my drama child than any of those overly well behaved kids. My daughter knows i love her and she loves me and I know in the end she will be ok because she knows I have her back no matter what.

Well I do think where there are women there is drama! But I do have some little drama kings on my hands here as well!!! Mine are younger, my oldest is 4. I whole heartedly agree with another poster who said not to compare yours to other families. I tried that once with the families who go on nature walks and hiking and cook out every weekend when the weather is nice. I was going nuts trying to force this kind of idea of living on my husband and we were frustrated. But I had to realize, we aren't those people. We never nature walked before kids, so why would we after? Our kids may run around in jammies on the weekend and we may not get anywhere before late afternoon on a Saturday, but that's us. They are happy if they can crawl in our bed and get tickled. They are like us you know? I think one of the keys to happiness is acceptance. You have high maintenance chicas over there it sounds. I bet they would love a morning of painting toe nails and watching cartoons, perfect, do it! My kids cry too, all kids do. Well all kids who are allowed to have and express emotions. I want well behaved, happy kids. But I also want kids who have learned to navigate their emotions and aren't afraid to show them. I hate it when my boys fight and sometimes I feel like in my next job I would make a perfect hostage negotiator or crisis intervention specialist. :D I think this is the job, and you do have one who will need even more help dealing with her emotions, so that factors in too. I have mommy guilt at times too, we all do, but I try to be a good momma, I hug my kids daily, pick them up when they need it, play with them between the gazillion things I have to do and then go to sleep and do it all again. Hang in there, and I am pretty sure if you tickle that 4 year old tomorrow a lot of her and your stuff will be better!!! :D

Have you talked to your GP about the depression? Everyone w/ depression should be screened for thyroid issues since they are a treatable cause of depression.

Also are you a member of any church? Some churches offer counseling services at a free or reduced cost, you could always call and ask.

My mom was depressed when I was a kid (due in part to untreated thryoid issues), and it did negatively affect me. But my and my sibling's lives weren't "destroyed" and I am not depressed today. :)

I don't know if this helps, but my kids love to fight when they are bored (ages 5 & 7). The book Siblings without Rivalry has some useful tips to get kids to cooperate (instead of fight).

But definitely seek out help for the depression, it can only make things better for you and your children. Good luck.

Find things to be happy about, and you'll feel happier. I know its oversimpifying but it's true. Being happy yourself will help your kids be happier. Keep time into everyone's busy schedules for silly and fun stuff like tickling on the bed and hide and seek and pillow fights.
Take time to do fun things one on one with each child. Even if it's only a short thing....
Relax, try and take it easy and enjoy life with them.

I am an older woman way past child rearing. I believe there are both genetic and environmental factors to depression and anxiety. There is a lot of depression and drama in my family and extended family so I can share things I would have done differently. First, I would have put more effort into scheduled family fun times.Sounds a little weird to say scheduled fun...but you know how you have holiday traditions that are "fun"? Put that kind of effort into day to day life. Have one night a week when the kids make dinner together. Have art day when you make something together. Have spa day when you do each other's hair and nails. Make it a big deal. Things like that. Second, read about communication and conflict resolution skills on line and start teaching your girls to state their feelings with "I feel, I need" statements instead of "you are, you did, you made me" statements. Because I think there are genetic and environmental factors involved with emotional health, I think emotion management is something we should actively teach children. Don't deny their emotions, validate them, help them name what they are feeling, help them identify what is causing them to feel that way and what they need. Third, make sure there is a lot of affection and "I love you"s and praise happening in your house - self esteem issues are a big factor in depression. Supportive family should make family members feel good about themselves. Check into free resources for counseling, communication, family and parenting skills - there are lots of them. You can feel good about yourself for posting this question, for wanting the best for your kids, for being so open and willing to put effort into breaking the cycle. Good luck to you!

Wow, hard to tell if it's a girl thing, heriditary, combination or none. I only have boys, but they have grown to happy adults (20, 19 & 18). Confidence was important - they need to know they are loved unconditionally and that although they may make some disappointing decisions, that it's the decision we don't abide by, not the child, personally. Also what is expected of them. Sounds simple, but kids need structure and goals, and get so much satisfaction from these things. Goals can be anything you set, from doing homework and taking bath by a certain time to reading a book before bedtime. Make them attainable so they have a feeling of accomplishment. There is no handbook for children, they all respond differently; however, there are certain things all kids aspire to, such as pleasing their parents. It's good you recognize your depression issues, so you can be more aware of your kids. Am not an expert, by any means. Hugs to you!

Do they always fight about the same thing? Or is there a pattern to the arguments? (like it happens when they are tired or bored etc) You might be able to find solutions to those things.
If not, if they fight just to fight, then maybe it's time for them to have consequences for fighting. Sending them to their rooms until they can control themselves is a good start but seeing as this is an ongoing problem i'd add some additional consequences.

*eta* I don't think it's possible to make our kids (or anyone) happy - but you can broker peace in your home.

Set boundaries.

Boundaries allow a child to play safe and happy.

and Amy's reply - ditto her reply.