Depression Lives in the "Or"

I don't know that you're describing depression.
It sounds like you're weary and in need of boundaries. In a big way.
1. Minimize exposure to these people. (Be unavailable, send hubs instead, don't answer the door)
2. Learn how to say NO. ( to requests, to those who invite themselves over unannounced, to favors, etc.)
3. Put your husband and kids FIRST. They get priority, not the annoying ones)
Good luck!

People who are clinically depressed are naturally going to take offense to your casual use of the word (see below, and to follow, I'm sure.)
But yes, things in life CAN make any of us depressed, and if we are not truly, clinically depressed we can do things to help/change that.
You admit you are not willing to do that.
I get it. I stayed married longer than I should have, for my kids, my husband, his family, his business, my/our friends and finances, a hundred reasons.
I don't know your life. I have know idea why you aren't happy, nor can I tell you how to get or be happy.
What I CAN tell you is that once I realized that everyone else's comfort (not happiness really, but COMFORT) came at the expense of my own well being I was finally ready to make a painful choice.
It's hard but it's really not the end of the world, and in fact it's pretty awesome.
Life is too fucking short to be miserable, and your kids will be living their own lives before you know it, then what???

No.
Most depression manifests with anger in men, sometimes women as well.
Depression is a feeling of hopelessness, hard to get out of bed, hard to do what needs to be done (dishes, cooking, work), it's the feeling of abandon, sadness. Even if these are all things that you could do before!
It is not about what is happening in our lives. Depression doesn't make you change your mind or want to keep your kids happy. Depression makes you not care one way or the other.
It's a chemical issue in our brains. Which for me, is changed with medication, thank god.
Is it really a high "cost" to keep your children and yourself away from people who sound as if they are abusive? Problems and drama?
You can chose to keep yourself in that mess, but is it fair for your kids?
That's not depression. That's the need to make a hard decision.
Be miserable, but don't keep your kids in a situation that you have the power to change but are unwilling to do.
L.

I totally agree with OnePerfectOne and Diane B here.

I don't think you're describing depression either. Despair maybe.

I had despair over dealing with dysfunctional passive aggressive in-laws. I did not have depression. I just felt like "Oh my God, do I have to deal with these people for the rest of my life???". And really, I was feeling let down by my husband for allowing these people to interfere in our life.

My husband and I went to counselling early on in our marriage because of his family's interference. Constant source of drama, stress and nonsense ... and he had never said "no" to them.

Only in counselling when he saw how hurt I was, did he realize he had to set boundaries. So our counsellor worked with us to make us a united couple and taught us how to enforce boundaries. My husband was told he had to be the one to deal with them. So it went from despair, to knowing I was his priority, I mattered enough for him to change, and that he will always protect me and the kids from any of the BS that still comes up from time to time.

Maybe you are feeling despair - sometimes thinking you don't matter enough to your spouse causes that, as does not knowing a solution to the problem. Depression I think is something much deeper and can't be solved just by making life changes. I would talk to a counsellor and see if they can offer you guidance. I think it would help.

Good luck :)

well, this is so vague that it's pretty hard to answer. but i'll take a stab at it.
depression can come from a lot of different sources, anger is but one. i'd say that fear is a greater one. not to mention the differences between environmentally-caused and biologically-caused depression.
and i think disliking being stuck with passive aggressive dysfunctional people is actually healthy. i consider not tolerating fools to be healthy.
excising toxic people from your life doesn't have to involve physically moving away from them. would it hurt your husband or 'upend' your kids to place firm boundaries and have high standards? only you can answer that, there's not enough info here to give an opinion.
but if you're not willing to do that, then i'm not sure what's left. it's good that you've calculated the cost and decided against 'making the changes' based on that, but have you considered all the possible changes?
i keep coming back to 'protecting my kids' and 'deflecting the problems and drama.' good boundaries should do all that AND reduce the pressure on you.
how much would i put up with to keep my spouse and children happy? an awful lot. BUT i'm also smart enough to know that if i'm miserable, depressed, fed up and desperate, that affects the entire family. i've learned enough to realize that self-care for moms is not selfish, it's one of the bedrocks of happy families.
so of course that would factor into the choices the entire family needs to make.
vague answer to a vague question. but i hope you're able to make some tough choices and get yourself to a better place.
khairete
S.

Depression can be activated or increased by life. That has certainly happened to me. I am chemically prone to depression and will always have dips-sometimes bad ones, and lifestyle and attitude changes definitely have helped greatly throughout my life, but it's still there, and everyone is different. Some chemical imbalances are far more severe and you can't think your way out or be free of the depression because your environment is perfect. The same way some people are cheery and optimistic no matter what types of diabolical events are happening-they're wired differently. But yes, your (in-laws? your own family? coworkers? long-time friends?) can be causing you torment and depression if you're prone to it and they're causing chronic stress.

I'm not sure why your situation is so binding, but I had to cut out my in-laws during my marriage. They were simply too horrid. Yes, it caused a huge rift between my husband and I since he thought they were awesome. And yes, it made me the bad guy to quit speaking to them. And yes the kids still see them. I have faith as they grow older they'll lose interest in those in-laws on their own, but if not, fine. If the in-laws cause any trouble for them though the visits will stop. I'm too old to spend time and energy on evil people, and I will not permit them to hurt my kids either. Sometimes the repercussions of not participating in toxic situations are hard, but in my case it was much worse dealing with them. I've had to do this with other friends/family/coworkers in the past. It's just what you do when you know for sure you're up against bad people who will always be bad people and the high road has not worked.

Also, while my ex would disagree, I think I'm teaching my kids a valuable lesson by graciously (no bad-mouthing) refusing to participate in relationships with toxic people. I hope they develop similar boundaries one day.

I hope you take a stand and find a way.

If passive aggressive dysfunctional people don't seem to care about me and/or my feelings I have a real hard time giving a darn about theirs.
If they are going to dish it out, they'd better be able to take it when it gets handed back to them.
Relationships should go both ways - one doesn't get to dump on the other all the time - at least not without the others permission.

SO - how willing are you to model how to be a doormat for your kids?
Because they will either learn to dish it out (and BE the passive aggressive dysfunctional person)
OR
they will learn to take it (and BE the person who is dumped on all the time) - and I don't think either position is an ideal example/role model for the kids.

We often do things for the sake of the kids that we'd never think of doing for our own sake.
Think about it really hard - and then move forward.

My Mom took us and left our Dad because he would have DESTROYED us - and I have absolutely no doubts about how true that was.
She did something hard - but she broke a cycle that had every possibility of repeating in the next generation.

Hmm, I'm not sure I agree entirely with your premise.

Sometimes, or often, depression is chemical. I don't think depression is the natural response to toxic people. Maybe I didn't have as many toxic people in my life as you do, but I think you should give an example of what you are enduring, because I really don't think you need to become depressed in response to difficult people in your life.

Do you have any friends and normal people to support you and surround yourself with?

S.,
I am so sorry that you are so depressed. Please think about what you tolerate and really examine how much you are really protecting them, and how much you think you are. You might be surprised. IF your husband and kids are not the problem, then maybe you need to remove them from the situation that is making you so depressed.

I can't help more than that because your post is so cryptic. I know that I will put up with a lot, but my depression is real, and must be addressed, so that I can be a good mom and wife to my family. So, I do what I need to do with therapy, medication, and self care. Do you do those things?

When you change your way of being, and stop feeling the need to juggle everything to control situations and keep others happy, you'll find that the people in that situation naturally have to move and change their way of being.

It isn't your job to "keep your spouse and kids happy." You are not the holder and maintainer of the key to everyone else's happiness. Really.

Please consider seeking therapy. And read up. I pray that this helps you to show yourself some mercy. http://www.whatiscodependency.com/codependency-relationsh...

http://www.whatiscodependency.com/symptoms-of-codependency/

I know as the wife and mother in my home, if I'm not happy - no one else will be truly happy. I have learned to put an end to my suffereing from depression long before I got married and part of that was to remove my mask of happiness, deal with my angst, hurt and pain.

Children aren't as naive as you think they are. They can feel when something just isn't right.

Get to some counseling. It will truly help but it may take some tries to find the right counselor for you but it is well worth it if you are willing to do the work.

Depression can stem from anger but mostly from my personal experience it was just a deeper level of hurt and pain and replaying the hurt and pain in every thought and actions that kept the cycle going.

Sounds to me like you are allowing your thoughts to be concrete like how you think a thing is the only truth when in actuality it is only ONE truth. Great counseling helps you to see more than one solution and more than the doomed thoughts you've been nurturing.

One of the greatest movie lines in history was Cher's line from Moonstruck when she slapped the male lead and told him to, "Snap out of it!":

It will take counseling to help you snap out of it. In the mean time your family and you are going down in a sinking ship. Don't let that happen. Love them and yourself enough to get good counseling and to actually do the hard work to get well and have richer and better relationshiips even if it means the end of a marriage or the end of this marriage as it currently stands.

While I think being a parent means sometimes making allowances for our children and or spouse, I don't believe that that should mean allowing hurtful behavior towards us and vice versa..
I had and sometimes still do have a lot of anger, which like you, has led to some depression over the years. In the past, I tried lots of therapy, meditation (although I still do this and it helps me to relax) also, I did EFT and hypnosis.. Eventually, what has helped me the most and cost me the least.. ALANON. yes, it's true.. the 12 steps. since going to meeting and even when I don't go, which sometimes isn't for a couple of months, WOW.. what a different. Alanon and the tools it offers has helped me make those blues go away.. it's hard work, you have to delve into some painful stuff. I would also add that it means putting the focus on oneself and not others. That is difficult at first because sometimes it's easy to think, well I was driven to alanon due to the addicts in my life.. true.. but then you still have to focus on yourself....
my suggestion would be.. can you try a meeting? there are many and they are free.. why not see if the program is a fit for you.. there is NEVER any pressure.. you go to a meeting and see what you think.. sometimes it takes a few to find the right meeting for you... but when you do.. WOW.. your world can open up..
for me, it's been a truly freeing experience.. speaking of putting up with people's ill behavior. I was in a 25 year friendship (note the word WAS) and well, once I got to wking the program, I realized that I no longer wanted to be that friend's doormat and as painful as it was, I confronted her and nothing changed.. EXCEPT me... I finally had to say goodbye to her, for which I did.. it's things like this that make me thankful for the 12 steps. they helped me and continue to help me get my life on a good track..
give it a try. what do you have to lose.. if not alanon.. perhaps some other 12 step.. they have all sorts..

Chronic depression is a medical condition that can be treated by medication and that medication will be needed the rest of that person's life. Like heart meds are needed by a heart patient and diabetic meds are needed by those who have a certain type of diabetes.

Meds treat chemical imbalances and make a change in the body that can be measured on the outside.

If this depression is external or due to stress, death of a loved one, changes in the life of the person, etc...that is depression that might need a short term med to keep the person sane or from giving up but if that person works through their problems causing the depression then they often are able to come back to that place where they are normally feeling okay with the world.

If you have had depression for years and years you need to go to a psychiatrist for a med evaluation and to get a prescription.

If this is something you don't normally have but you are overwhelmed and stressed out then you might just need to go visit with a therapist for a couple of months and do some scream therapy or role play therapy or just talk to someone who'll listen and not judge you.

But your body can only take so much then it starts wearing out and the depression and anger and emotional carnage going on inside starts taking it's toll on the body.