Help with Difficult Family Problem - Very Long, Sorry.

I too moved out without a word to my dad - and also moved in with my fiancee. And our dads sound pretty similar.

I don't owe him an apology - not because it was tit for tat. I don't owe him an apology b/c I made an adult decision about where my physical body was going to reside. Did that hurt his feelings - dunno. But HE is in charge of his feelings - and I mine.

I could have said something, but I chose not to. I made that choice to protect myself, not to spite him.

Spreading your wings and taking control of your own life is scary in the beginning. Lots of people got to ease into it with college, or roommates - or just better home conditions.

I didn't, and it sounds like you didn't.

This also sounds like the first boundary you're drawing with your dad - he can't contol your visits. That's HEALTHY. You're doing the right thing. You are establishing that you are an adult. Even if he doesn't respect that - you will earn self-respect for sticking up for yourself.

I would agree with Krista - skip the long letter, and work in a visit.

Remember - you can't control Other People's Issues. And don't let him have free rent in your head! :)

Prepare yourself for bluntness:

What I hear right now is a young woman making excuses like a little girl.

Part of being an adult is learning not to avoid or procrastinate. You are going to have to face this issue eventually. Are you really willing to miss your fabulous brother's graduation because you're....scared?

I know from first hand experience that if you want to do something, you can find a way to make it happen. So...consolidate doctor's appointments so they all fall on one day instead of three. Find out if there is an airport shuttle service nearby. See if your fiancee can trade shifts or even call in a few sick days. Do whatever it takes.

It's time to put on your big girl bloomers, J.. Deal with this issue now. Triumph over it....so you can live your life HAPPY...AND, so your dad can walk you down the aisle without resentment. Apologize for leaving without notice, but make it clear that you are an adult and responsible.

Be a part of your dad and brother's lives ON YOUR TERMS and quit allowing him to affect your emotions. YOU FEEL BAD AROUND HIM BECAUSE YOU AREN'T COMMUNICATING YOUR BOUNDARIES. As soon as you make it clear to him what lines he is not allowed to cross...he'll stop crossing them. But you can't send mixed messages.

I wish you the very best of luck and hope you enjoy your brother's graduation. I pray that you "cowgirl up" and do what needs to be done.

Well, were you planning on bringing your kids if you go?

Oh, that's right, you don't have any kids. Or do you?

http://www.mamapedia.com/questions/13731525916130213889

Also, will MMP be giving you the time off to make the trip?

;)

I think you need to get your priorities in order. It doesn't sound like your father is going to kidnap you from your brother's graduation and lock you in the basement, right?! I mean, I get that it's going to be awkward, but get over it already. Your brother is having one of the most important moments in his life, something he's worked toward, and your excuse is that you can't get a ride to the airport and your fiancé has to work? Really? Ask for the time off from work, arrange a ride to the airport (Greyhound bus, take a train, airport shuttle, rent a car, ask a friend... lots of ways to get there) and go watch your brother graduate! He will never forget it if you don't. It sounds like you could stay at your mom's house, right? You need to really think about what this means to your brother, and what it says about you if you make the excuse that you can't find a way to the airport, or you won't ask for the time off from work...

Sorry, I know that is not what you wanted to hear, but I think you know in your heart that it's true. That's why it's weighing so heavily on you.

first off before answering I need to know what PDD-NOS is. I have no idea.

But be very careful of skipping this. it is one of those things that will haunt you for ever. you have your freedom. Your brother will only graduate once. If you have the money go. shuttles back and forth can be easily obtained. It sounds like your choosing to stay away rather than face your dad like a grown up. If you are grown up and moved out own it. Take your fiance and say to your dad this is the man I am going to marry. A graduation in may is still 2 months away. You make things happen for your family. Make this one happen. or let it go and don't stress over it.

You are by far the strangest troll I have ever encountered. I would love to answer this but I don't even know if it is the truth since most of your questions and answers contradict each other.

Do you even know how many women on here have spectrum kids? Do you care?

I am sure not putting myself out there for someone I don't trust.

Why are you doing this?

I have a dad a lot like this so I feel for you. I've learned that being away from him is the best situation for me. Being with him brings me down, among other feelings. Some people may think we're crazy to not want to have a relationship with our dads, but if only they had walked in our shoes. I spent years trying to fix him but finally learned that he's the only one who can create change. Your dad has twisted your thinking for a very long time and it may take a very long time to recover from. A few months is like a week for us kids who have suffered with a parent like this. I can see why your dad is hurt that you up and moved out of state without telling him, but in many ways he damaged the relationship years ago so he should blame himself. If he was a loving, attentive father you may not have made the choice to move out of state in the first place.

It sounds like the graduation issue is more about physically not being able to go versus not going to avoid dad. Yes, it definitely sucks to live far away from the family you DO care about and sadly they suffer too...but that's just how your life is right now. Remind them and yourself that you're physically unable to come. Focus on the future trip you are planning so you all have something to look forward to. You're doing the best you can under these circumstances.

Also, like another poster said, be careful about other serious relationships with men. As a teen, I practically jumped into the arms of the first guy who paid me any attention. I bent over backwards to make the relationship work for 6 years. I clung to him. It was pathetic. Us girls of fathers like this need to work a little harder about healing ourselves and finding the truly right guy in the right situation. I'm not saying you don't have this with your fiance, but be careful.

I'm sorry, but I just read your SWH and that sounds like lame excuses. I get that you don't want to go, but the transportation and work excuses are pretty lame. Most areas have airport shuttles where you can get a ride to the airport for a reduced fee. Also, what about bus service. There are numerous ways to get to any airport other than private car and taxi cab.

As for work, you are choosing to save those days so you can take off when you want. I get that and there's nothing wrong with it, but it's not an excuse for not attending such a great event.

I understand that you can't be around your father, but if it meant that much to you, you would figure out a way to go that you don't have to see him. Just because you're there doesn't mean that you have to tell him that you'll be there and it certainly doesn't mean that you have to sit with him. It would be great if you just surprised your brother with a quick appearance.

Anyway, I do understand not being able to be around somebody, and I think that you need to realize that that is the ONLY reason you're not going and forget about the other lame excuses.

Sorry, but there's no reason to not attend. IT'S YOUR BROTHER! I wouldn't miss it for the world... and if your mom is so supportive, why wouldn't she pick you up at the airport? If you really want to go, you'll figure it out. Keep in mind- if your brother can't quite understand it all (also not sure what PPD-NOS is)- but if there's any question, he more than likely won't. If he'll miss you, you can never make it up to him.

My response differs a bit from the others I have read so far.

It sounds like your dad has had an almost cult-like "hold" on you for a long time. Only you can decide if you are sufficiently strong enough to deal with your relatively recent departure from that atmosphere. If you are not strong enough you are not obligated to go back for your brother's sake (imho) unless you had a shot at getting him out of there too.

You won't like my next thought:

If you are not strong enough to deal with your dad you're probably not strong enough to be in a serious relationship. If you're not very, very careful - you will jump from the frying pan to the fire.

If I were you I would go to a good, neutral therapist to hash all this out. Please move slowly with this new relationship. I say this out of life experience.

You are perfectly right to grow up and move on with your life as an adult. Just make sure you aren't using a crutch to do it; otherwise, you haven't truly healed from some of the issues in your life. And I like that you are trying to continue staying in touch with your brother - that's a very nice, sisterly thing to do.

Good luck and God bless.

Are you completely sure you can't go? Ask your supervisor: are you not entitled to any vacation time? And in terms of a ride to the airport -- cab? airport shuttle? bus?

I recognize that your relationship with your dad is fraught right now, but part of claiming the mantle of adulthood is maintaining emotional commitments, and that's what your relationship with your brother sounds like. I know this will sound hard, but unless it meant flat-out losing your livelihood, I would go to the ceremony, give your brother a small gift and a big hug, tell him you're sorry you can't stay, and head back to the airport. If your dad is hosting a graduation party, you don't need to go to that; your brother just needs to know you're there. The pain you save your brother will be worth the pain you yourself incur.

You have to do what is healthy and safe/sane for you. I know you love your brother, but does your father treat him in the same manner he has treated you (that has brought you to this place in your life)? If he is treated differently, then he will probably be okay. If he is treated the same, is it something he needs 'rescuing" from?

To answer your actual question, no one on here can tell you whether or not you should feel guilty about not attending your brother's graduation. If you feel like you need to be there, but can't get the time off from work then you can't go. If the real reason you aren't going has to do with your father- well, different story.

You are stalling. You know that moving out without at least letting him know was the wrong thing to do, no matter what the reason. You moved out-of-state without telling your father AND moved in with a fiance that he doesn't know. He may be controlling and manipulative, but he's also (likely) been your primary financial support until very recently and as a parent that would feel like a real slap in the face.

Whether or not you attend the graduation is irrelevant. IF you are an adult and enjoying your "adult life", then it's time to act like an adult and speak with your father. You owe him an apology for the choice that you made to leave without the courtesy of a good-bye. He will not likely apologize to you for his behavior, nor will he acknowledge his shortcomings, but if you're really going to be an adult who can have your brother in your life... you need to talk with your father.

No, I can't understand how much you value your freedom and adulthood now because you achieved it by lying and playing one parent against another.

Make arrangements to go home for a visit near the time of the graduation- forget the long-winded letter to your brother. It won't mean anything. A short note with the gift indicating when you WILL be there (so he can put it on a calendar) will have meaning. While you are home (but not staying at your father's house), have a private conversation with your father. This is NOT something your fiance needs to be involved in. This is between the two of you and your father probably doesn't think much of your fiance considering the circumstances. His presence will become a distraction from what you really need to address. Figure out what you want to say to him and stick to it. If he gets "crazy"- you can walk away from it.

Don't leavee this to linger. It will only become "bigger" as the time goes on. You will forgo a relationship with your brother and your fiance and future children will not be part of your extended family.

Hmmm....I'm kind of thinking that if all that's stopping you is a ride to the airport (cab/shuttle/limo) and the fact that your fiance has to work....then you really can go.
You don't have to stay with your father. Stay with your mom or at a hotel. Attend the graduation.
Now if you couldn't afford it or get time off from YOUR job, then it's just a matter of circumstance.
You're avoiding your father, basically, right? (Not saying not for good reason!)
But you're going to eventually have to face him and your decisions. Why not now?
Good luck!

ETA: If you are for REAL (and I hear you are NOT) a cab/shuttle/limo would be about $20-30.