Help Dad Having Trouble Coping with Our Son

It goes without saying that physical violence cannot be tolerated or allowed. There is no excuse for physically or emotionally harming your child.

But this is a MUCH bigger problem than simply asking your husband to get control or be calm. Your husband is most likely grieving. Grieving over the fact that his son has special needs. Grieving that his son is not the "perfect" picture that he had in his mind. Feeling guilty that he does not feel the easy, "automatic" bond with your son. Feeling very angry (at God, at the world, etc.) that your son has these issues. You may have gone through many or all of these feelings too.

As for the marriage, you are both dealing with the situation in different ways. And it would be very natural for you to feel angry that you husband is not "loving" you son "the way he should." This will cause some of the greatest stress in a marriage. But know that all of these feelings that you and he have are *very* normal in this situation. Now you need to find a way for all of your to cope with the issue so that you can all be healthy.

Even though many men are often not big talkers, your husband may need a chance to deal with his feelings. Is it possible to talk to him about it? Tell him about some of the "not so nice" feelings you have experienced and give him the opportunity to agree/talk/etc.

Does your son have a behavioral therapist that helps you figure out how to better meet your son's needs? If so, it's time for you and your husband to lean on this therapist and get help for the entire family unit. Have therapy session every couple of weeks with all of you present (not just you and your son.) If your son does not have a behavioral therapist, it's time to find a family therapist that has experience working with families & children with special needs.

Please know...it's very easy to judge this situation if you do not have a special needs child at home. Do not let anyone make you feel worse about your situation. It's already bad enough. But other families go through this too. Do some online searches to find parent groups for families that have kids with similar special needs (www.meetup.com has tons of groups). They usually have message boards and you can talk to them about these issues.

First, hugs! I have a son with ADHD and I don't think it's possible to explain to someone else how infuriating it can be sometimes. I have never had a temper, but I've found myself in a complete screaming rage a couple of times. So I sympathize with both of you.

BUT. It's NOT OK, no matter what the provocation is. You need to look for family counseling and coaching for all of you, to support your son with the things he needs and to help you parents keep their sanity. I'm not sure who to recommend in your area, but look for family counselors who work with ADHD. Also, is your husband under other pressure, maybe from his job? He may want to talk to his own doctor. These things like poor impulse-control tend to run in families. (ironic that those of us who have, for example, issues with disorganization, get kids who need help with: organization!)

Also, I've recently signed up for emails from "Celebrate Calm." I have not bought any products or anything like that from them so I can't endorse it personally. But they just had a mailing on "raging dads" and he has a section on his website just for dads. Your husband might be reassured to know he is not the only dad struggling with this and may want to look at the site: http://www.celebratecalm.com/

Editing to add one more thing. I'm assuming your husband is a basically good guy with bad impulse control. But if he is not willing to look for help and if he doesn't see that there's a problem, then you may have to think about involving someone else outside the family (DCFS). Your son needs and deserves a safe home, no matter what his behavior is like.

I don't know what should I tell you. I have no idea how is it to have a special needs child:( But I wanted to recommend you a book that I think it might help. "Smart Discipline" by Larry J. Koenig. In the book he talks about how to help your children listen to you.

I hope it helps!

Already been said - Coaching and therapy. Tuesday's child deals with just this very thing.

First of all, I'm sorry to hear you are having such problems with your husband.

If your husband can't control his own impulses, it's hard to imagine that your son is going to learn impulse control. It is all about the behavior we model. So, if I was you, I'd tell your husband that.

Secondly, your role as parents is to help your child learn how to behavior. Your son is young, and young children aren't really in control of their behavior. It can be hard to remain calm and understanding when a kid is thrashing about on the floor for attention, but the kid isn't trying to be bad intentionally. The kid is just trying to see where the limits are. Scientific research has shown that parental aggression towards children (spanking) leads to increased aggressive behavior in children. The whole role-modeling thing yet again. So, you need to convince your husband to act like a grown up, or else your son is never going to improve.

Maybe you could convince your husband to just leave the room when he gets frustrated?

Good luck.

I think that is very concerning. If your husband is getting out of control then he needs help too getting into class teaching him how to deal with your son's condition.

I don't have any exeperience in this sort of thing, but getting into a support group or speaking to other parents in support group might help. Sounds like your husband is having personal issues with your son's condition. I have found most men are not forgiving, patient or compassionate as women and they look for a quick fix and when they don't get it they a/get physical or b/they leave.

Are you affraid your husband might leave the marriage because that's where this is heading I think/ Might be a good time to sit down ith your husband and talk/ Please seek therapy and support for yourselves because not dealing with the emotions of it all is going to hurt all of you in the end. Wish all the best for you and your son