Dear Mama's,
I have never been so devastated in my life. My partner and I were going to be adopting a newborn baby girl next week. We were so happy and excited. We have been foster parents for a few years, and absolutely love what we do, but were just thrilled to be able to have one of our own that would stay, no matter what. We got the call yesterday afternoon that the birth mom was in labor. We were on top of the world with excitement. We knew that in three days we would be able to bring our new baby girl, Georgia Paige, home and start our life with her. We were so happy. Then on my way home from work I received a phone call that I don't think I will ever recover from. Our precious little girl was gone. She died before they could get to the hospital. The birth mom's blood pressure was and still is so high that they have not been able to do a c-section. Her body has completely stopped labor, and she is no longer dialated. Her BP is so high that they have her sedated. They are watching her closely, but want to give her body another 24 hours to go back into labor.
I'm not really even sure what my question is...I am numb. I am a mommy who never got to hold her baby girl. I loved her, but never knew her. I am heart broken and feel as if she were grown in my own belly.
I am also devestated for the birth mom. She wanted so badly for her daughter to have a good life, and the guilt she is feeling is unimaginable.
Have any of you mama's ever been through anything like this? This is so hard because I pray no one ever has to feel this heart ache, but also don't want to feel so alone in how I feel.
I would like to say thank you to each and every one of you. I still don't know what to do, or how to feel, but I feel like that's OK. My little girl is gone.
So far, there is no change in the birth mom. She did say when she was coherent a while ago that she wants to hold the baby and have some time, just the two of them. Unfortunately, at this point, we have no legal rights to be with her, and she has not asked for it. Her sister is keeping me up to speed on what is happnening, and is very much in favor of us getting to hold Georgia and have some closure. But it's all up to the birth mom. She is suffering so badly right now, I don't have the heart or the strenth to fight her on any of it. If you pray, please keep us in yours. We really, really need it.
***Second update***
I cannot begin to thank you enough for your kind words. You are amazing women.
I felt very, very restless last night and couldn't sleep. I could not stop my mind from thinking and worrying and praying. Finally, shortly before 2:00 AM, I fell asleep. I found out this morning that Georgia was finally born at 1:43 AM. No one will EVER be able to convince me that we are not somehow connected.
I also received a phone call from the birth mom's sister. Birth mom wants to meet us. She wants to meet the women who were to become her daughters mommies. She honored us by giving our baby the name we had picked out, Georgia Paige, on the birth certificate, which means the world to us. My partner and I will be headed up to the hospital shortly.
Thank you all so much for your thoughts and prayers.
************THIRD UPDATE***********************
I am truly blessed to have found Mamapedia. I cannot believe the amount of support I have received from you ladies over the last two days. The private messages I have received have been unbelievably comforting. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.
My partner and I did go to the hospital today and got to meet the birth mom. She was still pretty drugged up (having been under sedation for the last two days) and still in shock from everything that happened. But she was so glad that we came to visit. She was able to cry for our daughter for the first time while we were there because she said that she felt safe to do so. She told us that she knew that she made the right decision in choosing us to adopt her little girl, and that she felt a tremendous amount of guilt that she couldn't keep her daughter alive. It was a very emotional, but healing meeting for all of us. We made plans to get together again. She has chosen to have our daughter cremated, and asked us if we could share her ashes, so that we could both have a part of her. We made the choice not to see or hold Georgia, The nursing staff warned us that it was not going to be easy to see her the way she looked. They told us a few details, and we just knew that neither of us wanted to remember her the way her little body looks right now. Because right now in heaven, she is a perfect little angel. That is how we need to picture her in order to heal.
Again, I would like to thank you all so much, from the bottom of my heart, for your support.
I am so sorry...I am sorry I do not have any words of advice for you and I am sorry that I cannot do anything to help you, but want you to know that my thoughts are with you, and remember to take all the time you need to grieve. I hope that someday you may be able to find peace.
I am so very sorry for your loss. I will pray that the birth mother is OK.
I have never been in this situation before, but something similar happened to my brother's wife. Long story, but here are the key parts. She was 6 months pregnant and they found out William (the baby's name) had not developed kidneys. They did a lot of tests. Then at 8 months she went into labor and he did not make it. It was devastating for my brother, his wife and the family. The one thing I learned from my brother is people are going to say they are sorry and if there is anything they can do for you, just let them know. He so badly (and probably did to a few people) wanted to say thanks for the condolences, but what the h$ll do you think you can do for me? I have learned not to say that anymore, because honestly there really is nothing. What I learned after losing my dad very suddenly was grief is a very personal thing. DO NOT let anyone tell you you need to get over it or you need to move on. You don't. You begin, in your own time, to move through the pain of grief. This is still so raw and new right now for you and your partner. Take time to be with each other and morn the loss of your daughter. If you feel like it, plan a memorial if you feel it will help you. Do what you both feel is best for both of you and please don't worry what others may think or say. Lean on your friends and family - even your mamapedia "family".
God bless,
P.
Dear K.,
I am so sorry for your loss & I do know what it is like to lose an infant. I won't go in to much detail but I lost my youngest son at 2 days old & it's something that years later I still can't discuss without becoming emotional. It's like your heart has been totally ripped out and you wonder how your heart could even still be beating. I also felt alone in that no one I knew had ever experienced the devastation and heartbreak. I am numb for you and your partner. I just sense that your precious little Georgia Paige was going to have such a good life with you!. I'll be praying for you and the birth mom. Hugs to you and please know you are not alone, that we all care.
I am so profoundly sad for you, your partner, the birth mother, the unborn baby, the sister, even the staff who had to manage this medical disaster.
In all the years I have been around medicine, I can say that I have never been so moved by your story of love and anticipation and commitment followed by such loss.
You and your partner sound like such amazing, giving women and I hope that one day soon another child will find it's way into your hearts and home.
As all others have recommended, please don't grieve alone. Please find a support group, especially one for the loss of a child. This will be a safe haven for you to share your pain, which will be tremendously overbearing for awhile...but it will pass. You and your partner and your lives will heal. Please find comfort and peace.
No words other than I am so so sorry for you. :-(
Thoughts and positive healing energy to you, your spouse and the birth mom - you've all lost something precious.
Hugs hugs and more hugs.
Lord, Please extend your comfort and love to these people. Embrace them as they go through this heart wrenching experience, and bring peace to their hearts.
I am very sorry for the loss of your precious Georgia Paige. I truly hope you get a chance to hold her and love her. Is there any way you can have a memorial for her? I cannot imagine your grief and mourning, but I hope you remember we are here for you anytime you need us!
I can empathize with your grief, K., and I am deeply sorry for your loss.
I am sending prayers and health and recovery to the birth mother, and prayers of strength and serenity to you, the mother of Georgia Paige. You are not alone and you will survive this.
K.,
My heart breaks for you and your partner. My goodness. What you are feeling is the same thing any mother would feel who is expecting. YOU were expecting this baby to be with you. I know you are aching in every way imaginable. This is a tremendous loss. Realize that you may need to reach out to someone to get through this. Do what you need to do to find closure, too. That is so important. oh, I am just devistated for you. You will get stronger again -- you will. And when you are ready you and your partner will be such an incredible blessing to another baby. One that will not not take Georgia's place, but one that will fill another void in your heart.
Blessings to you,
E
This is so hard and I am speechless. Crying of course :( I have suffered many things in my life and the best thing that helped me to find closure is to explore myself. Get a support group or go to a counselor. Grieving is a process and it may be longer for you but don't go through it alone. Hugs!!
You certainly are not alone. I delivered a stillborn child almost 20 years ago and still think of my sweet little boy. I and my family were allowed to hold him for a few minutes to say "hello and goodbye". I am sure your pain is just as real as the birth mother's. It will get better - the pain, with time. We held a funeral service at the cemetary and then family came to my house after. They did the work, brought food etc. since I could not. There was still a lot of what if's but I finally came to terms with it. The first year was the worst. I will pray for you and the birth mother that you will find peace of mind and comfort in your time of need.
Your baby died. Nothing in the world will ever feel so awful. She was your child of your heart and the loss is exactly the same as if you lost a child of your womb. Pain and loss is yours no matter what and I am SO sorry for you and your husband.
Oh K., K., K.,
I am so horribly sorry for your loss. I have not ever been through a similar situation, but I did look up a website that may help, or at least put you in touch with people who can help you:
Three Little Angels Foundation
Started in 2002 by a Columbus family who lost their triplets, Three Little Angels supports parents who are grieving from miscarriage, stillbirth or neonatal death. They provide free care packages to help families through the grief process.
PO Box 44272 , Columbus, Ohio 43204
###-###-####
- www.3littleangels.org
This looks like it might be in your general area. I know it's not much, but I do hope it helps you.
xoxoxo,
Melissa
Dearest K.,
I am so sorry...keeping you and birth mom in my prayers.
I have not but im deeply sorry. Hugs to you and your husband.
Wow. I cannot say that I have been in your shoes, but I do feel really sad about your situation. I am sorry that the precious baby didn't make it, and that you, your partner, and the birth mom are suffering so. My thoughts and prayers go out to you all.
My deepest sympathy. I do hope that you will have a baby of your own someday. If anyone deserves it, it is you.
That's horrible. I'm really sorry!
When I miscarried, we planted a tree in the baby's honor. Maybe a tree or garden at your local park? It is healing to dig in the dirt. My thoughts are with you and your partner over your loss. Take care.
This just almost made me cry.
I have absolutely no clue how you feel. I am so sorry for everyone... you, your husband, the birth mother... most of all, the baby.
I will pray for you and for her speedy recovery. I hope this does not knock your faith in becoming a mother to an adopted baby. Don't lose hope.
x0
Oh gosh K., I simply can not imagine what you are feeling. I have never been through anything that remotely compares to this. I will pray for you, for peace, for clarity, for strength.
All my best to you.
Georgia Paige is a beautiful name
My deepest sympathies to you, your partner, and the birth mother. Thank you both for being loving foster parents and opening your home to kids that need one. Maybe once you've had some time to heal you can plant a tree in her honor. Or donate one to a local playground so other kids will get to enjoy it. I'll be thinking about you.
I am so sorry for your loss. My Mom had a stillborn daughter in 1952. The hospital staff allowed her to hold the baby and spend time with her before they took her to the funeral home. It might help if you go to the hospital and explain to them that you and the birth mother should get a chance to hold her and kiss her good bye.
Maybe you could take her a special outfit to wear and a blanket to snuggle in.
I am soooo sorry HUGS to both of you.
I have not personally experienced anything like this but I have several dear
friends that have suffered a tragedy similar to yours. All I can say is you
For now, I will keep you in my prayers. I am sending you the
biggest hug you can imagine. My friends have since went on to have
healthy babies. I will pray that you have the chance again. When I got sit
on Baby Thomas' bench, I will always remember Georgia Paige. Know that she is in heaven with baby Thomas and Clover Ann. They will watch over
your beautiful daughter.
I am sorry your heartbroken and for this tragedy..this is a very sad and I hope that the birth Mom gets better soon.
The baby is in a much better place. Sometimes situations and circumstances on earth are not the great to have to grow-up in and deal with. There is always a reason.
I am so sorry for your loss. I hope the birth mom pulls through. A loss like this is unimaginable for everyone involved. Please take care of yourself.
What you describe feels like my first pregnancy that ended in no heartbeat at 3 months. Just because you did not carry her does not mean you did not love and plan and hope for her. I cried for days, at odd times, and it took a while to get over. I have 2 beautiful daughters now, but there will always be that wistful curiosity about what life would have been like if the baby boy I carried first lived. I am no longer sad, life goes on, and like the ObGyn predicted, I was back a year later pregnant again. Since you are not alone in your grief, maybe you can share with the birth mother and lessen both your sadness and her unnecessary guilt. Life is still a mystery and when you read the statistics, goes wrong much more often than we know about (when initially trying to conceive I had many very early miscarriages that just seemed like a really delayed period).
Allow yourself to grieve, and share your story with anyone who asks, speaking about it helped me divide the burden with all those who cared. Consider yourself hugged.
I will be holding you all up in my prayers. Blessings and peace to you.
I'm so very sorry for your loss. I'm sure she felt your love for her, and that since she passed away quietly inside the womb she didn't feel any pain.
I've never experienced this. I have a friend who is in the process of adopting her newborn daughter (they currently have legal custody given by the birth mother and foster mother) but at Christmas time she was supposed to adopt twin babies. When the due date was only a couple of weeks away she called for updates but got no answer and felt uneasy. The lawyers found out that the birth mother was in the hospital having just delivered and kept putting off signing the papers. The birth mother's entire family was with her at the hospital encouraging her to keep the twins, so she did.
My friend was devastated to the core. She mourned for months until she got the news about her new baby. I know this is a different situation, but she does still feel the loss of those precious twins and betrayed to boot.
I don't know if this helps you hearing about her loss. I'm so truly sorry.
I am so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine.
When my friend's nephew died (premie), there just weren't words. You ask what you can do but sometimes there just isn't something they can do. I hope the people around you understand and recognize that you are mourning the very real loss of a very real child. You prepared for her. You named her. The loss is no different than if you carried her.
You might find comfort in a support group. See if your adoption agency has resources for you.
I am so sorry that you are going through this. I will keep you and your husband in my prayers.
Oh K., I am so sorry. I can't imagine the heartbreak that you and your partner are feeling right now. I will be praying for you!
I have no idea if this appropriate right now, so feel free to disregard this, but when my sister had a miscarriage she bought one of these pendants to remind her that her baby is close to her heart. This is just one I found on the internet, but you can find them in jewelry stores as well.
http://www.ross-simons.com/products/692666.html?utm_sourc...
Again, I am so, so sorry for your loss.
I am so glad to see that you will get to meet your baby. My heart is so sad for you. I will be praying for you. I can tell that loved your baby before you met her and that sounds like all the moms I know.
I'm so sorry for your loss,
S.
I am so sad for you and your partner and the birth mom. I am writing this through tears... I'm so sorry you all have to go through this. You all sound like amazing women. It seems like, so often in tragedy, people turn against each other. I am so inspired by the strength and compassion that all of you have shown. I hope peace finds each of you.
I'm very sorry for your loss.
I am so sorry. Words cannot express it any more than that.
God bless.
Hi K.
My thoughts go out to you during this time. You are the mother so you will go through the grieving progress.
Give yourself the time and space to grieve.
So sorry for your loss.
B. k
I am truly so very sorry for your loss, and just wanted to say that I will be praying for each and every one of you involved in this tragedy.
