Grumpy

You need to talk to him at a time when neither one of you is feeling stressed. Spell it out for him - men don't generally read between the lines.

If he comes home at the same time every day, you know when to expect him. Get at least the first room he sees when he comes in straightened up. Make a point of greeting him cheerfully with a kiss, even if one of the kids is crying. And try making meals ahead so dinner isn't such a rush - crockpot, double recipes and freeze, ready-made entrees. Good luck!

My answer would be to do everything that you normally do within an hour of him getting home EARLY IN THE DAY. What I do is, put dinner in the crock pot or make something that goes in the oven at breakfast time. My husband gets home at 6. My 4PM, I have everything done that I am going to do for the day. I have given my 10 month old and 2 yr old baths, homeschool is finished, laundry (5 loads a day) is finished, the house is in as good an order as it is going to be in. When he gets home, I have relaxed and feel like I actually have time for him. It is not easy to get into that habit but it is sooooo well worth it. The crockpot is a life saver. there is a great cook book for the crock ot called FIX IT AND FORGET IT. Invest in that and you will see a great difference in your attitude b/c you will have time to relax. I also take the kdis out to play from 2-3:30 and get them tired, then give them a bath by 4. That way I have 2 hours to take care of details, play with them quietly and have some time for ME before HE gets home. hth

have a glass of wine before he gets home!!!

You have already received some wonderful responses. Communication defintely is key. All I would add is to also take time for yourself. As a stay at home mom I know that is hard to do and we feel guilty for wanting/needing time to ourselves, but it is essential. You need to have time to unwind and decompress. Talk to your husband about setting aside some time just for you. Do whatever you want...meet girlfriends for lunch, read, take a bath, go shopping...whatever it is that restores you. A more relaxed "you" makes for a happier mother and wife.

First of all - give yourself a break. You have a full plate with 2 young children! But I understand just where you are coming from with this. I used to try (key word - try)to set the table and prepare as much of the dinner in the morning during naptime as I could. We ate a lot of casseroles! That way I could just pop something healthy into the oven and then tend to the girls. I also would try to give them a "snack" about an hour before dinner to hold them over. Even the baby can smell the food cooking and that may trigger hunger. This time in your life will pass quickly - even though it feels like forever right now - Enoy it.

Men CAN be clueless quite a lot actually, but they mean well and arn't mind readers. :) The thing that works best with me --is when you need help, smile sweetly and genuinely at him and ask for it. My husband can't resist this tactic and I'm pretty sure yours won't either hehe :)
Also--I know the stress of taking care of more than one child. It can be very trying. The stress is a daily battle for me and it gets worse toward the early evening. You just feel overwhelmed and it's natural to snap at people without thinking or even being mad at them in particular. What I've
found helps me the most is to have a cup of "Kava Kava" tea (that stuff is awesome for stress!) or a single glass of wine every evening. :) It really makes a huge difference in how I feel and handle the chaos around me hehe

good luck! :0
~M.

i know how you feel...i went thru the same thing at your stage! you need to sit down and takl to your husband about it when the kids are in bed. you can let him know by not attacking him...just say something like, "i love to see you come home and i'm really sorry that i've been so snappy with you, b/c i've been waiting for you all day. at the end of the day i'm just really tired and need some help from you. whenever you hear____ crying, would you mind tending to them so i can finish dinner. that would really help me out". i think either they play dumb or they really need some detailed direction on how they can help. try it!

A.,

Hello, I can so relate. I recently became a stay at home Mommy, and I too find myself testy at the end of the day. I would like to offer two thoughts for you:
1. One, if you can get some Nanny help during this time - that is a great way to spread the responsibility of the kids, and let your husband have a "down"time when he comes home, and give you the space to create a lovely dinner and energy for your family.
2. The second option to serve your yourself, your husband and your children is to have an agreement with your husband that he can take 10 minutes or so when he comes home to ARRIVE, greet him at the door, welcome him home and allow him to de-compress and get centered, then after he is complete,(set a timelimit on this) he can take the kids from you so you can complete dinner and rejuvenate yourself. It's important for you to also have sometime for yourself. You will have little to give unless you are fueled-up and feeling nurtured.
Parenting is a challenge, and it requires both parents to share the load, laid-out agreements help avoid resentment from being built-up, and allow you both to feel like you are getting your needs met.

all the best,
N.

You need a date night with your husband. Get a sitter once aweek and go out to dinner or to a movie or just a walk. You need to stay connected with your husband. He's probably afraid to help you because he won't do it right in your eyes.
Mother's Day Out programs at churches are wonderful and pretty inexpensive too. Gives you a much needed mommy break a couple of times a week.

You know it sounds like you are still getting through the intense exhaustion that accompanies a new baby. The fact you recognize you are grumpy is a great move in the right direction. What worked for me was making a concious choice to be welcoming to my hubby everyday. Go give him a kiss, or just tell him how glad I am that he is home no matter what is going on in the house. Also, if you know the time your hubby will be home everyday, you could start to mentally prepare for it and maybe throw on some lip gloss or whatever floats your boat, just to get you in the mindset that you are still his wife. The first day my husband came home and found me with my hair and make up done and shaved legs, he thought I was getting ready to go somewhere! I read an article when I was really having a tough time and it said to do one nice thing for your husband everyday. So now I try to do that. Just one little thing, and boy does it help! Now he always says how he needs to take me out on a date all the time :) Of course with a little one, that is not always possbile, but the sentiment sure is nice, and honestly since I started putting a little more priority on us he has too. You still have a really little baby, so don't be too hard on yourself. I think if you focus on just doing the one thing, whatever it is that might be a good place to start. Hang in there!!! :)

Pick a time when you're not testy to bring this up to your husband. It's vital that you communicate your stress to him in a non-accusatory way. Keep it about yourself, and how you feel. For example, "I feel so overwhelmed taking care of the kids all day! I'm so stressed, and it makes me really grumpy!" Watch your wording, it's important!

Then ask him for help. Men love to fix things, including problems. Ask him if he has a solution to help you out. This is the perfect time to see the knight hiding in there pop out to rescue you! Hopefully it will be his idea, but you can steer him toward being more involved when he comes home from work.

Maybe you could take turns with "wind down time." I like the previous poster's idea about letting him have a few minutes to wind down when he comes home, and you pretending he's not home yet (although with as much stress as you're under, you may want to ask him for only 15 since he had the drive home to wind down, too). Then you can trade, and you can take some time to yourself to just sit and relax. Lock yourself in the bathroom, read a good book, step outside and enjoy the sunshine, take a long shower... do something for YOU in this time. It will energize you and get you ready to be involved again.

A lot of times (if your husband is anything like mine) he might need reminders about "his idea." Instead of wording it as you did ("Am I the only one that hears him cry?"), practice saying VERY SWEETLY, "Honey, I could really use your help right now. I'm starting to get stressed again." Your tone and wording will help him feel respected, appreciated and needed. After all, we catch more flies with honey than vinegar, right?

Over the long term, see if you can do things to delegate so you're not so overwhelmed. Is your older child old enough to help you around the house? Like giving him/her chores like sorting clothes, feeding pets, and the such? As part of your stress-relief plan, can your knight in shining armor take over doing the dishes or picking up the livingroom (on a permanent basis)?

Do you have a friend who also has children, and you can "trade" on some days... you watch her kids for an hour or two, then another day of the week she watches yours for an hour or two? This would also give you some "me-time" that would help rejuvenate you and keep you sane! (And don't we all need it!)

I hope you are able to de-stress sometime soon! I remember the days when my two were very little (they're 1 1/2 years apart) and how stressed I was! Good luck to you!

Hey girl,

I think we've all been where you are at one time or another. The key for me has been to remember that my husband works hard all day, too. I chose to be home with our children and I wouldn't trade it for the world. So, when he gets home I make it a rule to give him 15 min. of down time before I ask or expect him to do anything. Then, if I want him to help, I just ask him. He's usually more than willing to help, but I do think that men have to be asked. They aren't built the way we are. They don't look around and think to themselves, "I wonder what I could do right now to make life easier for my wife." You'd think that, if they love us, they would have these thoughts, but they just don't seem to. I think that our husbands are, in general, good-willed people. They just need a nudge in the right direction.
I hope this helps. Hang in there. Sometimes I try to get the kids busy with something (like a video) while I'm trying to make dinner so that it's not such a crazy time. It doesn't always work, but it's work my sanity to give it a try.
Blessings!

Try making dinner early in the afternoon, so you won't have to worry about it as the evening routine unwinds. I started doing this and it works great. Cover your dish and leave it in the oven. It will keep and all you have to do is heat it up. You can even set the table early in the day, too. With that out of the way, about 20 minutes before hubby comes home sit down with the baby and read to your two year old. OR put him in the bathtub. I used to sit on the floor in the bathroom with the newborn as the other children played happily in the bathtub. (tub toys are a must) Who says baths HAVE to be right before bedtime anyway. This might make the evening go smoother. When hubby comes home, it will be a peaceful time for everyone. Whatever chaos happens after that is just the excitement of daddy being home....it's the first few minutes of walking in the door that makes an impression.

This may sound dumb but I have several things that can help.
There are two main things that you need right now...griping and easier-to-prepare meals. I have kids 2,4 and 6 and it all goes to you-know-where right when I am trying to figure out/prepare/fix dinner.

First of all, use a crockpot. If you don't have one, get one. You can cook all kinds of meats, soups, stews and you can do the prep in the morning when the kids are well-rested and playing and that cuts down on the chaos when they get tired/hungry/grumpy and needy as the dinner hour rolls around.

The second thing is to feed the kids snacks while you are cooking. I know it sounds counterintuitive, but it is like an appetizer. It gives them something to do, takes the edge off their hunger and rarely interferes with the amount of food they will eat at dinner believe it or not. Just give them cheese sticks or pretzels or fruit...even fruit snacks.

The third thing is to have your hubby call you on his way home from work. My husband and I have a "gripe session." He gripes about his day and I gripe about mine. Once we have bonded over griping, I am much happier to see him walk in the door and always give him a happy kiss.

The fourth thing is get him to let you have a night off from dinner making..."just because." My husband knows that if it "breaks loose" too badly after a particularly hectic day for me, he will offer to "pick something up for dinner." Some days that is just what I need and I am so happy to be off the hook for dinner!

Fifth idea is to cook extra on the weekends and freeze it. That way you can just microwave dinner...or if it is a soup or chili, you can just put it in the crockpot in the AM on low and not have to do anything more than put some dinner rolls in the oven! Hope these help..I feel your pain!!!!!!!!

Guys just don't have radar for the sound of children crying! It's a mom thing. IF you are a stay @ home mom the best thing to do would be to prepare your meals earlier in the day with a crock pot, or a slow cook method ,or super quick meals, cut all of your veges in advance, set the table, so that all you have to do is put it on the table when he walks in. Children & moms are tired at dinner time and that is when we all feel the pressure of the day. Your husband is unwinding he doesn't feel that same pressure and he has no idea what a day with kids is like. GIve your self a break and be ready before dinner time for his arrival. Great him with a kiss, hand him the baby, get dinner on the table and relax. He needs you to tell him what you need- he more than likely would be willing to help if he was welcomed home with a warm reception instead of a stressed out one. Good luck!

I understand about the husband coming home from a long stressful day. I also understand that when you are at home with the kids all day you too have the same stress. What you both want is just a little "me" time to unwind. He wants to unwind from the day and you want to unwind from having the kids all day. Try talking to your husband on Saturday or Sunday about what's on your mind. During the week might be a little too much since you are both stressed out. Maybe you can suggest, since the weather might be getting nicer, that he take the kids for a walk/ jog in the stroller. THis might help him clear his head from the day and it will get the kids out of the house so you can start your dinner or unwind. This might also help wind the kids down. The sooner you both talk about this the sooner you will understand what the other wants. Another thought is a couple of days a week you could throw a roast or a chicken dish in a crock pot earlier in the day. That way when your husband gets home, you both could go for a walk while dinner is taking care of itself. Botton line, you want him to help you out with the kids and he wants you to let him unwind from the day. Good luck with everything!
Just have the talk. :-)

Two things worked for me: I asked my sweetie to phone as he was leaving the office (he had a half-hour commute). Gave me time to get my act together. Having cranky folks at the office, too many demands from his job AND feeling scared and trapped because he is the sole support of the family is no picnic either.

The other thing that worked for me was to plan for what Erma Bombeck called "arsenic hour" - cocktail hour for homes with small children. By kid # 4 I had figured out to get dinner ready and set the table by 9:00 AM. I cooked all weekend for the coming week, or we ate dinner and then I cooked for the next evening. We went on our longest walk of the day as soon as Dad phoned that he was coming home. When the weather was too bad to go out, we had a long game of chase, hide-and-seek, games of nerf-ball and whatever else I could think of that would wear my guys out.

I have been both SAHM and sole support of fam, and the only solution is for the kids to grow up and go off to college. Since that isn't happening by Thursday, look for ways to laugh, and take the advice my mom gave me: "Vicki, just put on your big-girl panties and be a grown-up!" I just hated hearing that, but she was right. And there is a lot to enjoy when you learn to expect evening chaos. Hope some of this helps!

A. .....Start each day with a prayer for yourself:
A. everyday I have problems I start my day with prayer. Just pour your heart out to him:
I start with a prayer like this:

Dearest God,
I ask that You and the angels help me heal my love life. I am willing to release any unforgiveness I may beharbouring toward myself and my spouse, and I ask that the angels cleanse me of all anger or resentment now. Please help me see each other through the eyes of love. I ask that all effects of our mistakes be undone in all directions of time. Please work with my spouse so that we may have harmony, romance, friendship, respect, honesty and great love for one another. Please renew our love. Thank You.
Your precious name Amen

100 WAYS YOU CAN LOVE YOUR HUSBAND HIS WAY!
(Author Unknown)

1. Discuss this list with your husband. Ask him to check the ones most meaningful to him and then arrange them in order of importance to him. Use this list as a basis for learning his views. Your relationship can be greatly strengthened as you use these suggestions.

The only person you can change is you:.....

1. Communicate with him respectfully.
2. Regard him as important and let him know he's important to you.
3. Do everything you can to understand his feelings—even when you disagree with him.
4. Be interested in his friends and occasionally give him time with them (if they are trust-worthy men).
5. Ask for his opinion and let him know you value what he says.
6. Tell him you both love him AND like him.
7. Let him feel your approval and affections.
8. Protect his dignity on a daily basis.
9. Be tender with him realizing he has feelings also.
10. Foster an atmosphere of laughter in your home. Look for ways to laugh together.
11. Avoid sudden major changes without discussion giving him time to adjust.
12. When you go out on a date together don't bring up problems—have fun together instead.
13. Focus on what he's doing right, instead of focusing so often on the negatives.
14. Show interest in what he feels is important in life.
15. Correct him gently and in private.
16. Recognize that the first few minutes after a spouse comes home often sets the stage for the way the rest of the evening will go. So try to make the first few minutes of seeing him a positive experience if possible. (And then ease into the negative if it's necessary.)
17. Make special time available to him apart from the children.
18. Don't allow any family member to treat him disrespectfully. Be the one to defend him to any family member that dishonors his place as your husband.
19. Compliment him often.
20. Be creative when you express your love, both in words and in actions.
21. Talk with him about having specific family goals for each year to work on to achieve together so you will both feel closer to each other as a marital team.
22. Don't over commit yourself. Leave time for him.
23. Extend God's grace to him and be forgiving when he offends you.
24. Find ways to show him you need him.
25. Give him some time to be alone. (This energizes him to reconnect with you at other times.)
26. Admit your mistakes; don't be afraid to be humble. Peel away your pride.
27. Defend him to those who disrespectfully talks about him, remembering that love protects (1 Corinthians 13:7).
28. Respect his desire to do well—not his performance.
29. Rub his feet or neck, or scratch his back after a hard day.
30. Take time for the two of you to sit and talk calmly (schedule it when necessary).
31. Initiate going out on romantic outings (when he's not tired).
32. Email him when he's at work, telling him how much you love him.
33. Surprise him with a fun gift of some kind that he'd really enjoy.34. Express how much you appreciate him for working so hard to support the family.
35. Tell him how proud you are of him for who he is (giving him specific reasons).
36. Give advice in a loving way — not in a nagging or belittling way.
37. Help your husband to be the Spiritual head of the home (without "lording" it over him).
38. Reserve some of your energies for him so you're not so tired when he wants you sexually.
39. Don't expect him to do projects beyond his natural capabilities.
40. Pray for him to enjoy God's best in life.
41. Take special notice for what he has done for you and the family.
42. Brag about him to other people both in front of him and even when he's not there.
43. Share your feelings with him at appropriate times (but keep it brief when he's tired—sometimes men can feel "flooded" by too many words).
44. Tell him 3 things you specifically appreciate about him.
45. Honor him in front of the children (and differ respectfully in private when it's necessary).
46. Give him time to unwind for a few minutes after coming home from work, and then work it out ahead of time to take your "time out", giving him a few minutes with the children.
47. Get up with him, even when he gets up earlier than you want to and pray with him. (Hopefully you can go back to sleep afterwards. If not, it's a sacrifice worth making.)
48. Be his "help-mate" in whatever ways you sense he needs it.
49. Do some shoulder-to-shoulder activities with him (like watching a movie or taking a drive together) without talking. Sometimes men just like to BE with you and not talk.
50. Be a student of his ways so you can show your love for him in ways he best comprehends it.
51. When your husband is in a bad mood—give him quiet time to recover. Don't crowd him.
52. Help him to finish his goals, hobbies, or education when your see he needs your help.
53. Treat him as if God has stamped on his forehead: "Handle With Care."
54. Work to get rid of habits that annoy him.
55. Be kind and thoughtful to his relatives. Don't make him choose between you and them.
56. Don't compare his relatives with yours in a negative way.
57. Thank him for things he's done around the house. (It means a lot to men).
58. Don't expect credit for all you do for him and the household. Do it as "unto the Lord".
59. Make sure he knows and agrees with everything important that you're planning to do.
60. Do little things for him—an unexpected kiss, coffee in bed, etc.
61. Don't belittle his intelligence or be cynical in your words with him.
62. Initiate sex periodically. And respond more often.
63. Sometimes let him enjoy his day off work without having to "work" at home.
64. Get to the point in your discussions with him. Spare him details unless he wants them.
65. Discover his sexual needs.
66. Surprise him with a 15 second kiss when he gets home from work.
67. Wink at him from across the room when you're out at a group function.
68. Give him the benefit of the doubt when he mis-speaks. Think, "What's he really trying to say?"
69. Don't quarrel over words.
70. Don't forget to be kind and courteous with him. (Don't be kinder to strangers than you are to him.)
71. When something goes wrong, instead of assessing blame, focus on how to do better.
72. As a kindness, don't say, "I told you so."
73. Try not to argue over money. Peacefully discuss future expenditures instead.
74. Take him out on dates—pre-planning all of the details ahead of time.75. Hold his hand in public. Snuggle up close to him at times both at home and in public.
76. Praise his good decisions; minimize the bad ones.
77. Tell him you love him more often.
78. Put love notes in his pockets and brief case.
79. Sit with him while he's watching television—even if the program doesn't interest you.
80. Don't expect him to read your mind. (Family's are spared a lot of grief when a husband isn't required to read their wife's mind despite the fact that the woman thinks he should.)
81. Periodically, give him time with his family alone.
82. Check with him before you throw away his papers and stuff. (He may view them as more important than you realize.)
83. Work to keep yourself in shape in every way.
84. Let him express himself freely, without fear of being called stupid or illogical.
85. Carefully choose your words, especially when angry. Remember to "speak the truth in LOVE."
86. Don't criticize him in front of others—keeping his dignity in tact.
87. Visit his childhood home with him.
88. When you're angry with him, express it in respectful ways. Don't give him the silent treatment.
89. Pray for him.
90. Make him homemade soup when he's sick.
91. Look your best—dress to honor him and make him proud to be seen with you.
92. Support him when someone tries to put him down. Be his best cheer leader.
93. Don't disagree with him in front of the children.
94. Take him for a weekend get-away without the children.
95. Cheer his successes whether in business or in other areas of everyday living.
96. Be gracious in teaching him how to show you ways that will demonstrate his love for you.
97. Give him coupons to redeem—maybe for a back scratch or a shoulder rub.
98. Buy him a gift certificate to his favorite lunch spot and put it in his wallet.
99. Hide notes for him around the house where only he will find them.
100. Thank him for just being himself.

oh my gosh!!! you just described my situation!!! my husband expects me to stop what i am doing, rush to the door, give him a big hug and kiss, and listen to how his day went as soon as he walks in the door!!!! I am usually in the middle of cooking dinner, checking homework, and keeping my two little ones from killing each other!!! I also love my husband very much but for me the kids come first. He also does not know how to help much with the kids, but he does provide well so that i can stay at home with them so i don't say much to him about that.

what we have started doing, because everything is so hectic, is a short wave mabye little kiss just so he knows i recognize he is there. we have also started reading a bible study together after the kids are in bed. it gives us some time together without it being forced. you could also start a novel if the bible study is not for you. it has helped us alot to set aside time so my focus is on him not the kids and then he doesn't get so jealous at other times when my focus is not on him.

I hope I have helped some. Have a wonderful day!!!

D. Mattern
The MOM Team
Raising your income and your rugrats at the same time!!
www.formyrugrats.com
"The only thing that counts is faith, expressing itself through love." Galatians 5:6

Been there, done that! I tried exercising earlier in the day, hard with a 2 year old and newborn (I know), but I made it a priority. When my husband came in I asked him how much time he needed to unwind and gave it to him, though he had to unwind in another room. I pretended like he wasn't home yet. After his time was up (we agreed that it would be no more than 30 minutes) he came in and was ready to "take orders" (in a respectful way) from me until dinner was done and cleaned up. Then I got my time to unwind or we enjoyed a glass of wine together, something that I enjoyed. It didn't work every day, but it was a routine worth establishing. I think many times our husbands think that we are capable of handling it all or they are totally clueless!

Some guys just don't get it, so you will just have to nicely ask him to please help out by blessing the little ones with some daddy one on one time for an hour while you get supper. When the weather gets nice a little stroll with the stroller while you're getting the food ready shouldn't be too much to ask for.

A., the key to a good relationship and working things out is to TALK, TALK, TALK! It took me many years to figure that one out! Men are just like you said, not in tune with things the way we are and they seem to have a one-track mind. I don't know if he's even commented on how you are at the end of the day or whether your grumpiness is bothering him. But it's better to nip it in the bud before it DOES become a problem. When you are calm and relaxed, maybe after the kids go to bed, sit him down and tell him you want to explain something about your recent behavior to him. Keep it on a calm level, placing the blame squarely on yourself. Explain it like you did here. Let him know that you realize it's probably not the most pleasant scene for him to come home to and that you are working on finding a solution. But that you wanted him to know it's not him, it's just you feeling overwhelmed. Maybe he can take the kids for that first 30 minutes or so. Have a stash of kids books sitting out and maybe he can hold the baby and read to the other one. Or give the 2 y/o a bath. Just something to give you the few minutes you need to get dinner finished. Besides, some time with the kids won't hurt him! Now for the kids, do you have a swing or bouncer seat or something for the baby? Where you could put it close by, but not be packing the baby around while you're working. Or even one of those slings that you can carry the baby in and free your hands up. I can't even imagine trying to cook while holding a baby! That has to be a pain in the butt! Do you have a table close by where you could sit the 2 y/o down to color or draw or do puzzles? Could you set up a CD player close by and play silly kids songs to entertain the older one? Like Raffi songs or something (I don't know who's popular with the toddler set nowadays, but I always loved Raffi! Baby Beluga!) Singing those silly songs can't help but put you in a good mood, will make both kids happy and will even start a tradition they may remember the rest of their lives! Keeping the kids within eyesight is critical, but so is keeping them from being under your feet (or in your arms as the case may be!). One thing my friend used to do is ask a neighborhood teen (girl or boy) to stop by for 30-45 minutes to watch the kids while she got dinner ready. You can "pay" them either with money, a pizza every week, pedicure for the girls, bake them some cookies, just a little something to show you appreciate their help. What is important here is to remember that you've had 2 babies relatively close together, you JUST had a baby basically and are still adjusting to having 2 now instead of 1. You can't do it all! Hubby needs to step in a little too and by you laying the blame on yourself for being cranky, he MIGHT take the hint! If you don't find a way to solve this soon, it will only build up worse and worse until you explode and that's not good for anyone! You deserve to have a pleasant day, just like anyone else. Good luck and please let us know how it goes.

With having a newborn I'm sure your going through all kinds of hormonal changes and moods. It's normal and natural. Just make sure once you do unwind & relax, have some down time w/your husband an apologize for any moody/grumpiness. The fact that you acknowledge your actions and apologize for them, will help him to understand more. Then thank him for understanding.

Just ackwoledging what you already know should be a step in the right direction. Also, maybe you can set up a nanny cam and watch yourself on tape. Sometimes we learn a lot by our own actions.

Men do not have the same talens women have when it comes to issues of the home(cooking, cleaning, playing with kids, etc.)I have been married 16 years with 4 children (the first two 17 months apart) I have found that it takes my husband time to adjust from the outside world to being in our home with "different" responsibilities. If I need him to do something when he gets home and he is not noticing that, I simply ask nicely...for example, if a child is crying, I would say,"Hey Honey, would you mind going to see whats up with him while I am finishing up dinner?". I know it sounds dorkey, but taking things peacefully will help him to adjust to being in a totally different environment than the one he has just come out of! Men do NOT notice things like we do. The kids could be screaming and the kitchen on fire and they could be so interested in what they are doing that they may not even notice! :)

A. I understand how you feel,I have been in your situation before.All you have to do is let him know that you know hes had a long day at work,but yours was even longer.Tell him that you would appreciate if he would take over with the kids while you finish dinner.Whether he knows or not your job is harder than his.When you all go to bed at night talk to him and let him know how you feel and what you would like for him to do.Remember that communication is one of the keys to a marriage.I understand how tired you are because I was a stay at home mom for several years and believe me its easier going back to work.Hope everything turn out ok.B. F.

I totally understand about the daddy being oblivious to the kids. My son could be crying and it just seems like he doesn't hear him, or I will ask him to watch the baby while I get something done and he will leave him playing by himself. I have talked to him about it but haven't had much success. I find that getting dinner done to be really stressful for some reason so I have started to make dinner in bits. Like I will marinate chicken in the morning so I can just throw in on the grill at night. I use those steam in a bag veggies. I will put stuff in a crock pot in the morning. Those stouffers lasagnes are pretty good. If we are having tacos, for example, I'll cut up tomatoes n lettuce during naptime. Is your husband ready to eat as soon as he gets home? maybe you can negotiate w/ him, tell him you are stressed and when he comes home he gets the kids for 30 minutes while you go to your room, outside, have a glass of wine, whatever so that you can relax a little and start your evening together in a good mood. The kids would probaly love to have that time with him anyways.

It's a small thing, but something which really helped when my children were little: fix dinner early in the day when things are calmer....or better yet, freeze meals ahead of time on the weekend so you can just throw them in the oven during the busy week.
C.

You might try to minimize the preparation time for dinner by doing some easy plan ahead meals that can just be popped in the oven; have a base that just needs to be assembled or something for a variety of things. This might make the meal prep time less stressful and allow you to get the children under control and not be pushed to the limit. But at the end of the day, you are the boss of you and since you recognize that you are being ill-tempered and short in your response, you might sit and talk with him about it and then discipline yourself to change how you respond. For example, instead of saying a sarcastic, "Am I the only one that hears him crying...", you might just say, "(Husband's name), can you check on the baby?" Talking to your husband about it and maybe getting him to come in and grab the kids for about 30 mins. might be sufficient to relieve some of the frustration and stress and give you enough time to breathe so that you can have more peaceful evening. Best of luck to you.

For one thing STOP expecting the worst from your husband..because you get what you expect. Secondly, relax, relax, relax. At that moment when you are getting frustrated, ask yourself...what would make me happy at this moment. Maybe it's not making dinner at that moment..will the world come to an end if this happens? NO! If you need a time out, then take it. It's not your husbands responsibility to make you happy, it's yours...so do it. Do whatever it takes.

I am married to a Soldier... after seeing him instruct, coordinate, and train... I wonder how he is overwhelmed and oblivious with our four children... he too walks in the right at the key point of chaos... though he is known for saying something like "yes you boys can have an ice cream" right as I'm setting the table... I am a snapper... to curb my snapping I do math in my head, when I have completed a few multi-diget multiplications I can look at him with a smile and redirect him to participate... I am a bookkeeper/auditor so for me math is the trick to redirect my energy... find something simple, reciting verse, a song, or poem in your head... God Grant Me The Serenity... was my favorite at first... I won't sugar coat things, he won't change, my husband is 34 and is who he is... but redirecting can make all the difference, kind of like what you do with your two year old in the toy department of Wal-Mart! :) Something that helps too is get your two year old aware of time... do a count down until Daddy is home... this works great! My daughter is almost set to an inner-daddys-home clock! Your two year old can help get Dad involved! Plus it will make you smile on the inside when your two year old can change your husbands focus and give you the few minutes with the little one and diner!
~ D.

Hi A.,
I am not in quite the same siytuation, but with twins, now two, I do have some empathy for what you are trying to do. Some suggestions which may or may not help: try to get the kids down before your husband come home. I know that may not be popular, but in my experience, the later my kids are up, the grumpier and more demanding they become - there is no way i could cook dinner as well as wrangle them! Also, try to cook big at the weekends when your husband is around so instead of cooking every night, you can reheat pre=prepared meals to reduce the time you need to be doing two jobs. Another idea might be to defer dinner until your husband has helped with bath and bed routines so that the kids are gone when you both settle in for the evening, or have your husband do the bath and bed while you do dinner. I must now confess that it is a long while sinbce I have cooked an evening meal because I am simply too tired after getting the kids sorted, we eat a lot of frozen food, even if I or my husband cooked it originally! Take out everynow and then isn't illegal either! Best of luck.

My mother had four little ones and she had us fed and bathed by the time my father came in the door. We were playing in our rooms while they ate a dinner for two. After all our needs were met. You need to take care of the two year olds needs before dinner is even thought of. It will be worth it in the end and the kids will not die if they do not share a stressed out family dinner! Your husband will appreciate your thoughtfulness and be able to enjoy the children or even hold the baby while you pour the wine etc.

Have you tried just talking to him once the kids are down for the night? Tell him what you've said here: you don't like being grumpy and need his help, even though you haven't been "at work" outside the home all day. Sometimes I think men think you sit around fanning yourself and eating bon-bons while they're at work. Maybe he just needs a wake-up call to become aware of what your days are like. The exhaustion following the birth of a child also contributes to your grumpy mood. What you're experiencing is exactly the way it was for me 36 years ago, but today's men often are enculturated differently and a trifle more sensitive to the plight of young mothers. (My husband has never changed a diaper!) Best wishes!
M.

totally understandable!! What you're going thru and feeling is normal (I feel that one with just ONE baby, kudos to you for keeping your household running!) So I'm thinking why not try to get the 2 yo involved with dinner, have s/he help out with "setting" the table with paper plates/napkins, etc; or buy a slow cooker (aka crock pot) and some of those frozen already packaged-slow-cooker-kits so that you can set it during baby's naptime or in the "quiet" of the morning and forget about it until honey comes home. In the meantime, sit Honey down and EXPLAIN to him that you would find it really sexy and LOVE it if he would be able to help you a little more when he comes home from work while your prepping dinner, i.e., just let him simply know that you need help and don't be afraid to ask! (Hint: do this when you're NOT in the middle of dinner rush and you're more calm)
Hope these help. Good luck to you.

sigh... It is so had to be nice sometimes when you've been hom all day with the kids and stressed. First of all, are there things you can do differently during the day so that you are not so stressed at night? Try to simplify your life. Second, remember while you cannot choose how you may feel about something, (frustration, tiredness, etc.) you can always choose how to express that feeling. Try this, next time the baby is crying and he doesn't respond, bite your tongue (to keep from being snappy) and breathe. When you feel you can, say in a pleasant voice, "Honey, would you please get the baby." That way, it brings it to his attention without him feeling bitten. You don't want to drive him away emotionally and being snapped at hurts. (Regardless of the circumstances) I understand your needs but you cannot change him through anger. Only through your example of patience and kindness will he become a better man. Believe me, I am in a similar situation. And if you don't feel kindness in your heart, fake it. Eventually you will feel it. Trust me, anger destroys marriages!!! Also, make it a priority to date him. rekindle your marriage. Make sure he knows you love him. REgarding the above example, remember that while the baby's crying is annoying, unless the baby is hurt somehow, a few more minutes of crying will not hurt him as much as a divorce.

H. R.

I have four boys and a husband who has a degenerative neurological disorder and I feel like I am raising him as well. Patience and kindness saved my marriage.

I truly understand and I can say that I have been there. The best part of this situation is that there is a solution.

The second best part is that you and your husband have a good relationship which means the best answer is communication. You both can come up with ideas on helping to make things a little easier on both of you.

Here are some ideas:

Well depending on the time your husband gets home, you can hold off on starting dinner until he get home and the both of you can make dinner together.

Or your husband can make that time (daddy time)while you cook dinner, he can make time for him and the kids to bond, watch a favorite video/movie with the kids.

I think if you talk to your husband and let him know how you are feeling he will be supportive and want to make things easier for you. Not to mention that he will also benefit by having a non grumpy wife waiting for him at home.