Grieving - Oakland,MD

I lost a child and the worst think you can do is avoid her or avoid conversation about her son. Don't walk on egg shells. Be there to listen to her and let her know it's ok to talk about him.

I am sorry for all of you and this terrible loss.
Best way to help her, t do not avoid her. Always include her in normal activities, but tell her," If you are up for it, I would love for you to join me for" a movie, the bookstore for a reading, running errands... Whatever you are doing alone.. Even have her come over to your home to help with a project." I am feeling overwhelmed" getting ready for my garage sale. Will you come over and help me price and organize everything?

Just have a normal conversation about how she is doing and then let her in on your life. Let her talk or ask her if she will listen to your problems.

My stepmother lost her daughter in a tragic accident 5 years ago. She will never be the same. She functions, but there is always a sadness and loss in her. And yet, she loves to help others, loves to be invited, loves to be emailed, called, surprised with a sweet treat (I love exploring new bakeries).
I like to say she is "Full of Grace". She is at a place in her heart, I never want to even imagine and yet she goes on with life and sets a standard for faith, like no one else.
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I wouldn't suggest any books or groups unless she asks you about them. I think the best thing you can do it just be there with a shoulder to cry on and a listening ear. She will move through many stages of grief before hopefully coming to a point of accepting that her life will go on without him.

My parents lost my brother at 17 from a heart attack. He was dead instantly, no time to say good bye or anything although we got to him right away and started CPR. It's tragic when parents have to see their children die. It's not the natural order and it's heartbreaking in a way that nothing else can be.

My parents were helped by Compassionate Friends (a national support group for parents that have lost their children). They have a website. Just look it up. My parents were also helped by holding a fund-raiser every year for the American Heart Association to research the rare birth defect that killed my brother and by raising money for the athletic programs my brother loved so much at school. Maybe your friends can find a way to raise money for drug-awareness programs or maybe they would feel better if they could speak at a D.A.R.E. conference or something. If they will accept your help, try to get their grief turned in a productive direction. Many parents feel like they handle it better if they can do something to try to keep other parents from going through what they've gone through.

Most of all, just be there for them and let them know you're willing to help in any way they may need.

I think it is awesome that you are caring enough to look for ways to help. Have you asked her what you can do for her? Sometimes, just listening can do so much.

It sounds like she really has that part covered with the physician care that she is getting. It's very thoughtful of you to think of her though. I think the biggest thing would be to allow her to speak about him when she feels the need and just be a sympathetic ear.

Try www.theselfesteemshop.com

They are a resource for therapists and everyone else, and have a great selection of books. You might search "Grief" and "Loss of Child", find a few books you think might work for her and then recommend those specific books to her.

Also, just letting her continue to grieve in her own way is important. I always tell people that there is no right way to grieve. There is a wrong way - isolating yourself, not getting help, denial of pain... but she seems to be doing it right. She will always miss him, and that is ok.

Thanks for being such a good friend to her!

Sometimes doing something "constructive" helps someone deal with grief over losing a loved one. Perhaps look into setting up a foundation/website/information gateway for education for families of those who have drug addictions; help her get involved in a place that helps rehab those with addictions; setting up a page where others who have experienced the same sort of loss can communicate; something of that sort.

You are helping her more than you know just by being willing to listen. The book "Healing After Loss" is very good, and helped me a lot when I lost my parents......not a child loss, but grieving is grieving. Thanks for caring; I'm sure your friend appreciates your support.

Sometimes there's nothing you can do. Just listen to her. Don't avoid her. She's already getting some professional help and that's good. Some people like support groups, others don't and they think other people's problems are depressing. It will take a long to to come to grips with this loss, maybe years, and even then some people never do.

Join a "grief support group."

When my dad died, that is what my Mom did. It helps IMMENSELY. My Mom also made great friends there. There were all kinds of people there experiencing different kinds of "loss"- death, marriage, divorce, miscarriages, etc.

It is very important... and a grief support group really helps, because then you don't feel you are isolated or just going through it by yourself and you can vent your feelings and commiserate with other people who DO understand you.

Ask your local hospital or do a search online, for 'grief support groups."
Or even your local churches, if they attend one.

My Mom's grief support group, although held at a church, was not about 'religion', just a support group.

Grief is a process.... and a person can process it or not. Thus, a support group really helps one to heal.

all the best,
Susan

what a lovely person you are. i'm betting that your sympathetic presence is a huge help. it's wonderful that she is talking about her son, not trying to bottle it all and hide it. converse with her normally, don't tiptoe around her, and listen if she wants to talk about him. it's the best way she has right now to keep him with her.
khairete
S.