Going Out - Savannah,TN

Where does she and her friends want to go?? If's it to the movies? or shopping at the mall?

At 12, kids want some freedom, but only if it is safe.

Perhaps you could chaperone the girls.

Sherion,

What kind of "going out" is this child requesting? Group things "MIGHT" be OK. Date things with a boy...NO, no, no. Please be specific...you will get better response.

Blessings...

When I was that age, a few of my friends' parents always allowed us to gather at their homes, and always stayed around the entire time. We were not bad kids, but they were PHENOMENAL parents!! I always just thought that they were nice, but now that I'm a mother, I realize that their strategy to keep their kids out of trouble was to make sure that all of their kids' friends felt welcome in their home, that they KNEW all of their kids' friends, and provided us a safe environment in which to interact.

They helped us coordinate outdoor games--lots of kick-the-can, trampoline jumping, bonfires, talent shows on the deck, and back yard camping. They took us ice skating, sledding and snow tubing in the winter, a,lowed us to commandeer the kitchen to prepare meals (as a group), gave us space to gather in their basement, and kept a well-stocked supply of board games. We did also do some activities on our own, but they always drove us and kept in very good communication with us.

There have been times that I think I should write to them and tell them how much I appreciate the parenting that they did for us, as, in retrospect, my parents seem too naive to have known what we COULD have been doing without having the other parents' involvement.

What exactly is your reason for not allowing her to hang out with them? Do you know her friends and their parents? Is your daughter a trustworthy kid? Are you able to host her friends? What types of activities is she asking to do? Kids really do need the opportunity to socialize outside of school, and with the help of their parents, they can do it without engaging in destructive activities.

I recently began reading a book entitled "Bringing Up GEEKs: (Genuine, Enthusiastic, Empowered Kids) How to Protect Your Kid's Childhood in a Grow-Up-Too-Fast World" by Marybeth H.. I think this book is phenomenal, and plan on doing my best to be the kind of parent that H. describes. Good luck to you!

there is no way she's old enough to go out on the weekends. I was 16 before I could go hang out and my kids will have to wait too. I have a 16 year old son and he had to wait. She'll be mad but it's better than her getting into trouble. Teens are mad most of the time anyway so get used to it. You don't need to explain it in 5 different languages to her. The bottom line is "you are too young and you won't go hang out until you are ___ yrs old. If you have an attitude, are not doing good in school and not following rules and curfew then you won't even go out then". I know it sounds harsh but you have to protect your kids from themselves and others that might not have their best interest at heart.

OH, something interesting I saw just recently at the mall. We were going into the Sears entrance and a mom was dropping off 5 or 6 tween girls at the same time and she drove away. They all came in wearing jeans, tshirts and jackets. A little while later we made our way to the food court and low and behold, the tween group came out of the bathroom wearing super short shorts, tiny little tank tops with bellies showing and you could see their clothes stuffed in their oversized purses. My husband said "I wish that woman who dropped off those girls would show up and see this!" This is what happens when these little girls are left unsupervised. I know that not all kids are like that but still. You should have seen all the grown men eyeballing those little girls. It was disgusting.

Other than 'no'? How 'bout HELL NO!!!!

Am I the only one watching the news!?! Jacee Dugard...prime example. Twelve is too young for "hanging out"....is it sad that this is what is has become? yes. Twelve is too young. If you teach her, her mid teens are appropriate for socializing...till then, Mama's eyes need to be that of an Eagle. You cant put an age on it. They just have to be mature, be well educated and be able to make mature decisions. Until then, its slumber parties with adults supervising.

HTH,
Mag

I'm not sure "where" going out means, but 12 is too young to be unsupervised in public places. There are too many creeps in this world. Welcome to the teens. They're always mad at you. You just have to be the parent and make unpopular choices regardless of what everybody else is doing. Remind her you're doing it for her safety. Have some events at your home -- movie night, a sleepover, game night, etc.

Where does she want to go, what kind of supervision will there be and would it be day or night? I think it really depends on the circumstances. If you mean wandering around at night with one other kid and no parents, I wouldn't allow it. If she means seeing a movie with 3 girlfriends while a parent is seeing a different movie in the same theater complex, then the answer would be yes for me. I wouldn't drop them at the mall alone, but if they were in a group, I'd sit in the food court while they browsed as long as they all stayed together and had to check in at a frequency determined by you.

Be the koolaid house lol. When I was a kid my house was on the corner and we played ball etc on the street. my mom always had snacks and drinks at our house. All the neighbor hood kids would be in our yard playing. As we got older it was still ok to hang out all together at our house or on the corner in front of the house. If we wanted to go to a movie etc one of the parents drove and we went in groups. But a parent drove there and back (and usually stayed and saw another movie) Don't shut her down but give her choices. you can go if I drive and pick you up. You can go if a parent will be home. (follow thru and call and say hey this is so and so's parent. heard you were letting them hang at your house can i send chips or pop or something) this lets the other parent know you are aware of whats going on and that you are keeping tabs on the kid. We have a hard and fast rule at our house. no drinking till 21. that said the second rule is if you find yourself somewhere in a situation where you can't drive or your driver can't drive safely you call. no questions will be asked at that time. you will be picked up and brought home. you may get grounded later for whatever caused the problem. but know you can always call us. Its funny we never got a call from any of the kids until they were in their 20's. to old to ground. But they call. I think its because they knew they could trust that we were always there for them. Separate note. Its ok to say no. But be prepared to explain why. You can't go because its too late. you can't go because those kids drink. You can't go because there won't be a parent there. Make your rules and stick to them. Just don't waffle

well she is only 12 years old so tell her all her friend can come over and hang out at your house let them have a girls night and have all her friends come over and let them be by them selfs . then you know she is save at your place and that she not doing drugs or drinking at your place and that she is save at your house with her friends. and that should make her happy give them lots of junk food and good movies and music they will have a hay day.

I'm not sure what "going out" means, but I'm guessing it might be hanging out at the mall.

You're the parent and of course you have the right to say no, which you should if its just hanging out. However, you can offer alternatives. Ask her the normal questions, who's planning on going, who's driving, etc, If they want to go to the movies, say ok I've been wanting to see..., you can go see "123" and I'll go see "abc". If they want to go bowling, let them get a lane on end, and you and a friend get a lane on the opposite end.

Recently I've let my daughters start hosting "parties". They invite over 10 kids and they basically just "hang out" in my living room. I offer some soda and a few snacks. I'm in the other room and I pop in occassionally to check on them, or offer additional snacks.

First of all, I did not read all of the responses.

By "going out" what does that mean......going out with girls to the mall, girls and boys to movies, hanging out at a friends home, etc.

I believe the main thing to have is COMMUNICATION. Also....stop saying NO .......... Instead of NO........have options...such as, hang out at our house.

12 is a little young for the movies, mall, etc. with no parent around. However, at 12 I routinely had a houseful of girls (and sometimes boys) hanging out every Friday and Saturday night. . I have the space (planned early on) and I love the fact that the kids (now teens) like to hang out here. Yes I spend more on snacks, sodas, etc BUT....I know what they are doing.

At the same time....they are hanging out and having a fun time SAFELY.

Give her options instead of saying no. It's important to have friends at her age. I think it should depend on maturity and responsibility too. At her age I was a good kid and so I could be dropped off at the theater or mall, not to mention walk down to the park or the cafe for ice cream. We only did this during the day. At night, we could go over to each others houses. Granted this world is a bit more unnerving then when we were kids, but its good to not be overprotective to give them the feeling of freedom. The more a parent suffocates you the more likely you will rebel as you get older. Its hard to walk the line. So if you don't feel comfortable with her going out, offer to let them hang out at your house, or let them meet at a food place of some sort to have a coke and have a coffee yourself ( at a different table) Good luck.

Do you have a specific reason, that you will not let her go out on the weekend with her friends?
Are her friends a bad influence? Are they bad kids? Do you know their parents/Mom???

How about, you invite her friends over to your house on the weekends? They can hang out at your house. And then you can observe them and gauge their level of maturity etc.

Kids this age, like to go out with their friends. Its normal. Movies, things like that. What is your daughter wanting to do on the weekends? If just hanging out at the mall... well, lots of kids do that, but they can also get into trouble. Does your daughter have good judgment? Do you have rules for her? Is she cooperative? Does she know about safety? Stranger safety? Child predators?

If you are doubting her... and her ability to handle herself, then she has to be taught and coached about it... and you/Hubby sit down with her and discuss it.

Or does she belong to any clubs? That might be a good outlet for her too.

At this age, there is also curfews.... and certain places a young 12 year old should not go to. Activities need to be age appropriate too. And, you have to see if it is a mixed group of boys and girls, or just her and her girlfriends....

Many things to consider... but yet, a 12 year old does start to want to socialize with friends, on the weekends. Its normal.

What is your particular reason for not allowing her to go out with her friends on the weekend? Can you let us know?

All the best,
Susan

At 12, I allowed my daughter to go with groups of friends to the movies, the mall, etc. I knew her friends' parents, and when the kids went out, a parent went with them.
Their favorite cinema was next door to a Starbucks. A parent would drop the whole group at the cinema, and they were allowed to go to the Starbucks after the movie and wait there to be picked up. No one was allowed to ride home with anyone other than the designated pick-up parent, and no side trips other than to Starbucks were allowed. Anyone who didn't follow the rules was no longer allowed to go on future outings with the group.
They were allowed to roam the mall as long as they always had at least one other kid with them, and they were required to check in with the adult at the food court at specific times.
Anyone who failed to show up for nose count was not allowed to go on future outings.

why won't you let her go out on the weekend? I'm just curious. Other than no...maybe you can explain why she can't go out with her friends--- you don't like the activity they have planned, she didn't finish her chores or homework, or whatever the reason. Kids respond better to explanations (even if they don't agree) than they do to simply being told "no."

She's approaching pre-teen years so she's bound to be getting angry with you about a lot of random little things...just stick to your guns and remember YOU are the parent.

Check out www.oneweekparentingmiracle.com. It may have some ideas for helping you communicate with her. It is a program specifically directed at pre-adolescent kids, and I think it helps the parents just as much. This program has been an invaluable resource for me, I hope it will help you too!

E.

What is she wanting to do that you won't allow? Is there any reason that you won't let her go out?

When I was 12 I babysat a lot on the weekends, went to movies, went to friends houses (my parents met their parents first, of course), had friends to my house and went ice skating or roller skating a lot.

She should have an opportunity to hang out with friends, its an important aspect of growing up.

What do you mean by go out? During the daytime , going to the cinema or bowling or something? If yes then I cannot see what is wrong with that , if she wants to go out at night then I understand your point.

Let her be mad... =) You're saying no for her best interest.

.

I too have a 12 y/o daughter. You can invite one of her friends over and take them bowling or to the movies, and just tell her that you will stay the whole time. Tell her it's not an option for her to be w/o an adult. She will see that she can have fun, even with you there. Don't fall for the line "but all my friends get to." When parents ask around, none of the friends are doing what their child says they are, and chances are her friend is saying "but (your daughter's name) mom lets her do it!" When in reality, you don't let her. 12 is the age where children start finding out friends are what it's all about, and family becomes 2nd to friends. But her safety is #1, and tell her that often. Hope this helps!

Why do you need to tell her anything other than no?? She's 12. She doesn't need to be going out at night.

Depending on what she's wanting to do, you could tell her she could invite her friends to a movie or something and you'll drive - or another parent can help out. If they are just "hanging out" at a park, the mall... then they are just looking for trouble and they could "hang out" at your house or one of her friends after you've talked to their parents.

Having gone through the teen yrs once with our first 2 kids (and working on it a second time..) you need to decide what is okay and not okay for your child and stick to it. Depending on what she's wanting to do, you can make accomodations - movie w/friends as long as trusted parents are dropping off and picking up, movie and pizza at your house or a friends house... There is no reason a 12 yr old needs to be out roaming around at night with her friends.

Good luck -
C.

Check your local curfew laws. There may be rules about kids under a certain age being unsupervised and out after a certain time. Here kids under 14 have to be accompanied by an adult. Some signs now even say a parent or guardian so I think you can use that a little if you can find out what your local laws say. Its also illegal here to leave your child without a sitter until they are the age of 14.

Just because your 12 year old wants a little more freedom or wants to go to the mall with her girlfriends does not automatically mean she wants to have a drug/ alcohol binge. Unless you have specific reasons to think she just wants out to sneak around with boys or do something you don't want her to do, I wouldn't jump to that conclusion. 12 is a pretty natural age to want a little more freedom from your parents. You don't have to give in completely, but it doesn't mean your kid is out of control either!

At age 12 I was allowed to go IN A GROUP with friends to a specific place- the mall or a movie, dropped off and picked up by my parents or someone else. It was understood that if I deviated from the plan in ANY WAY- I needed to call my mom right away from a pay phone or a friend's home and get PERMISSION to go somewhere else, go home with a friend, stay later etc.

My parents trusted me to do this, and made it clear that if I did not check in, I would lose the privilege. I never let them down and in turn, as I got older, they allowed me a later curfew, to take the car, etc. TRUST and building it, is the key thing.

In this age where every kid has a cell phone, this is a good time to start building trust. Tell her child EXACTLY, specifically what she may do, and that you will be texting her when the movie ends, etc. If she does not respond and check in with you when she is supposed to, she loses the privilege of going out to the mall with her friends, end of story. A parent of two teens that I know says TEXTING is the best thing ever for parents- your child can reply to a text without fear of looking uncool- no one needs to know they are texting mom, but them!

1)Get all the info- who is going, how are they getting there/coming back, where will they be, what SPECIFIC time will she be back.

2) Know the kids she is with ( this is a no-brainer, but still...)

3)Make sure she has a cell phone and knows you will be texting to check up on her. This is a key part of the deal- - she can take it or leave it!

4) Offer to be either the drop-off or the pick-up mom.

In IL where I live, kids can be unchaperoned or home alone legally at age 11. I am not saying they should- but 12 is old enough to give her some responsibility.

If you trust her to be responsible about other things, time to expand that trust a little bit in baby steps! She has to prove herself and earn it, but she can't if you don't allow her some opportunities to do so! Good Luck!

12? No way...tell her it's your responsibility to keep her safe and healthy until she's 18, or 21, when she can make her own decisions.

There is absolutely NO WAY a 12-yr-old should be going out with her friends on the weekends without adult supervision and protection.

12?? NO WAY!!

Good Luck!

Let her be angry that you wont let her out, I know I was when my mom wouldn't let me. But you have the best reason's at heart when you choose what your child can do, that is what makes you the parent. My mom came up with a good compromise for me and my twin sister, she allowed us to have all our friends over to our house. That continued up through high school, we had the chill house my friends could come and go and feel completely comfortable with everything. My parents gave us our space but we were still under their watch!
Best of luck!