Gay Child Having Sleepover with Girlfriend?

Treat her as if she were straight and wanted to spend the night with a boy. Pregnancy is not the only consequence of sex-there's STDs and in general just the emotions associated with sex that children (yes, she is a child) may not be prepared to deal with. This is something you and hubby have to come to an agreement on. Personally, I'm with hubby.

i suspect the 17 year old is the poster.
no underage sex in the house. this presumes that pregnancy is the ONLY problem with it.
khairete
S.

I don't know about New York, but in Louisiana, the age of consent is 17. Legally, at 17, she could have sex with anyone she chose.
Instead of trying to stand guard over her virginity, which wasn't mine to give or to withhold, I taught her how to practice safe sex and let her decide when and with whom.

I agree with your husband (your father).

Okay, here's a question: have you heard of the word "no"?

Sorry, but whenever I hear " the kids will sneak", I hear the wrong reason for allowing our kids to be sexually active. I don't hear anything about the *emotional readiness* our kids need before becoming sexually involved with other people.

If you are looking at the issue from just an issue of 'pregnant', that's frightfully naive. There are plenty of STIs that a patch or shot or pill WILL NOT prevent. (By the way, I have a sister who had seven pregnancies on these forms of birth control before her doctor said "hormonal birth control doesn't work for you" and chose another option.)

Do you plan on stocking the room with condoms or a dental dam as well?

Listen to your husband. Do not condone your minor children having sexual relations under your roof. There's a reason kids 'sneak'... its because our parents knew enough not to want to court the idea of permitting their kids to get STIs and possibly giving them grandchildren. Or do you plan on opening up your house to little bundles of joy before your kids have graduated?

Think about this. Sorry, but this is NOT classy-- this is telling your kids that you think it's more important to be Cool Mom than it is to say no. And just because your daughter happens to be in a lesbian relationship with another young woman doesn't mean they BOTH can't get their hearts broken. Just because their sexual activity doesn't make babies does not mean that there won't be repercussions in some way.

It sounds like you and your husband need to get on the same page. Personally, knowing what I know, having been a young woman before and having had a lot of sisters-- it sounds like your husband is SMART. Sure, I'd extend the time for friends to be over until 9:30 or 10, but that's it. He understands that by just caving and complying to your kids desires to act older than they truly are, parents only hurt their kids in the long run. I'd far rather have had a parent who said "no sex in my home, period, until you are 21 or married because I care about your heart and your feelings and your future" than "oh, well, if you want to have sex..oh,okay!"

As Samantha on Bewitched once told her daughter, Tabitha: "Sometimes Mommies have to say 'no', and that means I love you". Simple.

Part of raising children is teaching them how to place healthy physical and emotional boundaries, because young adults don't have a history of making wise choices and need to be guided regarding the potential effects of the choices that they make. When that child would not place a boundary, parents do it for them, to show them how it's done and why.

I don't think you are teaching your child to make healthy choices regarding physical and emotional boundaries. This isn't about being "sneaky," it's about raising her to make smart choices for the rest of her life.

The rule in our house is - married people are entitled to sex and everyone else isn't.
When our son is married (gender doesn't matter) then when they sleep over at our house they can spend it in one room/bed.
Until he has a spouse, it's not going to happen with our approval in our house.
I agree with your husband.

Nice first question.

Since you very naively assume that pregnancy is the only risk associated with sex, I'm assuming you are a child trying to convince your parents. Because I would hope that any grown adult would know better.

Please get some education on STDs before you do anything else with anyone - regardless of whether that person is male or female.

The reason parents put their foot down about minors having sexual relationships is not just about pregnancy (obviously not a factor in gay relationships), and not just about sexually transmitted diseases (which are possible in gay as well as straight relationships). It's about teaching children a) to be choosy in their relationships, b) to build a strong and supportive relationship OVER TIME without putting sex into the mix and c) to defer their immediate physical desires to avoid getting hurt by someone just dating in order to get into bed.

So yes, if a teen sleeps with a same sex partner, it's exactly the same issues (minus pregnancy) as in a heterosexual relationship for the younger sister. If the younger sister hasn't had her period yet and pregnancy is not possible, is it okay for her to sleep with a boyfriend?

The person a teen is dating should be allowed in the house after 8 PM unless there is homework and a nighttime routine for younger children that need to be respected. Upper levels of the house are off limits? Then that means the teen has very likely been sneaky, been lying, or given other indications of not being truthful and therefore not mature. So THAT'S the main reason for not permitting sex - immaturity.

It's the same reasons parents take away the car or say "no" to unsupervised parties - the kids or their friends have not shown sufficient maturity but only want what they want and when they want it. So the restrictions don't always breed sneaky children - sometimes sneaky (or immature) children are the cause of the restrictions.

Most teens don't realize that the part of the brain that predicts consequences doesn't develop fully until age 25. That's the main reason teens and college students make a lot of bonehead decisions - they don't think it through and aren't capable of seeing any potential or likely outcomes. They just want their sex, party, drinking, etc. right now.

I guess I'm old fashion but that would be a big NO for me. If you are dating same sex or opposite sex there will be no spending the night. I believe in making sure kids are protected by using contraceptives but I wouldn't encourage the activity.

I dated my best friends brother and I knew not to even ask if I could spend the night. My father would have had a heart attack. I am with your husband on this. Good luck with your decision.

Wow KlassyMommy. This situation is not classy. I agree 1000% with your husband. Yes kids will find a place to have sex if they really want to. But not with your blessing - no?

Kids interpret our actions. So the interpretation here is: yes please, have sex with your romantic love interest. Worries about STDs and pregnancies are not the only concern with sexual activity among teens. At "almost 17" - she is 16. If you encourage sexual behavior at this early age she is bound to have numerous sexual partners over the years. Just because they're lesbians doesn't mean it won't be emotionally damaging. And just for the record, plenty of lesbians are either bi-sexual or have had male partners before - so STDs are still an option.

Thinking or knowing that your child is having sex is VERY different than encouraging the same behavior. The message you should be sending is something along the lines of: "Sexual relationships create a very special and close bond with the other person. Although at 16, 17, 18 we feel far more mature than we've every been, modern technology has proven that our brains are not fully mature until we're in our middle teens. That means all of our experiences can imbed themselves permanently in our brain pathways. I'd hate for you to have such close relationships that may not last as it will tear out a part of your heart and has the potential to impact relationships for the rest of your life." Ultimately they can do what they're going to do - but they want to know we are going to expect more of them.

For transparency purposes - I'm a very conservative Christian and I don't think homosexulity is how God intended us to be - but - I still love lots of family and friends who are gay. Regardless of my religious beliefs - I think any kind of sex on a less than permanent basis is not good for us. We are meant to have a deep and emotionall fulfilling sex life that creates one person out of two. It messes it up really badly when there's too much bonding and tearing of these connections. And I've been there - I had many sexual partners in my early years - desperate for a real bond. (long story of a disfunctional family). It's not something I'd ever want for my kids or any other kids.

Listen to your husband on this one. There will be other things you can be the fun-mom about - but there are times to be strict. Kids want that from us - even if they don't say it.

This sounds like it was written by a 17 year old who is not getting her way. Especially with a screen name like "KlassyMommy".

If this were my house? The answer would be a resounding NO. You may NOT have pre-marital sex in my home. Gay or straight. NO.

You are living in the clouds if you believe "0 pregnancy risk 0 problem". What about diseases? Yes, homosexuals, even lesbians, pass on STDs.

If you allow this, you are setting a precedent for your other children. In other words, you are encouraging promiscuity instead of putting your foot down and being a parent.

Have you EVER said NO to your children? It doesn't sound like it.

The girlfriend can come over. If she spends the night? She is sleeping in the den, guest bedroom or couch. Period. End of story. And it meant that I would have to stay up to make sure they don't sneak, then so be it. My child should respect me enough to hear and listen when I say NO.

I support your husband about no one in the sleeping area that doesn't belong there.

Your daughter is 16 and wants her girlfriend to spend the night over? And you are okay with that because she can't get pregnant? Seriously?

I believe you are incredibly misguided in this. Saying no is not breeding sneaky children, it is showing them boundaries and your expectations. NO is a great word. You should try it some time.

My kids are 26 and 22. Yes they have had their boyfriends/girlfriends spend the night over at our home but they were in the GUESTROOM and they weren't 16!!!!

I don't care if they are straight or gay, if you aren't married, you aren't sleeping together in my house. My house, my rules.

Your husband is too extreme as well.

I would not encourage sexual activity in a 16 yo, gay or not, and especially not in my house. So I would say no. It would be no difference if it was a boyfriend spending the night. You can pick them up at their house Saturday morning on the way to the city. Good luck.

Sooooo..."promiscuous" is ok as long as you're gay?
Listen to your parents!

Just adding my vote to the group who say teen sexual activity involves much more than risks of pregnancy; there are risks of STDs and emotional hurts, and those risks exist for ALL romantic relationships, regardless of gender. For all the reasons listed by other posters, I think it is a bad idea to allow sexual activity by your kids in the house. I do think your husband's restrictions are a bit extreme, and you can find a middle ground (romantic attachment stays in the living room or a guest room; no shared quarters until the kid is married or shares living quarters with the partner). Good luck with it...

I think the answer is somewhere in the middle of the two extremes. Sounds like your only issue is pregnancy risk whereas your husband's issue is sexual activity. The two of you need to get on the same page even if your views are slightly different. You both have valid points.

What about the girlfriend can stay over but not in the same room (maybe downstairs on the couch...where you and/or hubby could easily check up on the situation). Personally, I would be comfortable with that regardless of if it was a boyfriend/girlfriend situation.

The difference in your situation and anyone else's is that your first child to have a date sleep over is gay. The point should be that she is OUT and this is a person who your daughter is attracted to. You should think of her as the same as a boyfriend in terms of sexual activity in your home.

Your husband doesn't want kids having sex under his roof. I understand and agree with that. They are still in high school. They are still minors. You have younger kids in the house who are watching this. They are not old enough to be serious or monogamous. Yes, they will find somewhere to have sex if they are determined, but that doesn't mean you give them carte blanche opportunity to crawl between the sheets, mama.

You will have to deal with the issue with your younger kids. And yes, when they push you with THEIR agenda later on, they will say "But you let sis have HER girlfriend over!" and you will not be able to say "But that's different - she couldn't get pregnant." They will just come right back at you that with good birth control, they can't get pregnant either, and they will look at you like you're a hypocrit.

Now, the idea that no date can be at the house after 8pm is far TOO strict. THAT'S what you should be dealing with. I had a son with a girlfriend, and though they were allowed upstairs, they were not allowed to have a closed door between them and the rest of the house. Now, HER mother allowed that at her house, but I told my son that he needed to respect her mother and open the door to her bedroom HIMSELF regardless of what his girlfriend wanted. She's not his girlfriend anymore, but her family likes and respects him anyway because he was always a gentleman.

As far as spending the night together? If my son's girlfriend was living far away and needed to spend the night, that would have been okay, but she would NOT have been sleeping any where near his room.

You need to explain to your daughter that she cannot have her cake and eat it too. She cannot say that she is gay and have a girlfriend and then act like it's a "sleepover". It's not. There is no difference than if your daughter were a BOY and having his girlfriend over for sex in you and your husband's house at 17. It's ridiculous, mama. You will cause REAL PROBLEMS in your marriage if you foist this on your husband, and your other kids will think that sex is a free ride for them to.

Instead, you and your husband need to tell your daughter that they cannot have the girlfriend spend the night, period. If she lives far away, then she can sleep on the couch. If she doesn't, and this is just for convenience sake for leaving early the next morning, she can just get up early for you all to pick her up. Put your foot down now and tell your daughter that you aren't having sex in the house with ANY of her girlfriends.

Then get your husband to compromise about the hours that girlfriends/boyfriends can visit. Tell him that it's better that they're watching a movie together in the house than making out in a car or someone else's basement til curfew.

You mention breeding sneaky children, but that doesn't mean that you let them just do ANYTHING because you don't want them to sneak. Pregnancy is not the ONLY thing you should be considering here. There is real responsibility that should be tied to having sex. Allowing it in your home in front of the younger kids is NOT being responsible. And parading a string of partners in, which is also a real possibility down the line, is unacceptable. THAT'S what you will have with all of your children, if you don't change your way of looking at things. At what age do you make the cut-off? Your younger girls just go out and get the pill and then can come home and have sex in the bedroom as if they are married folk like you? How is it that you are teaching responsibility?

Let them go out and get their own place if they want to have sex. You actually call them CHILDREN in your post. Why would you allow CHILDREN to have sex in your house? I wonder what the parents of the other child would think of this...

I agree with you, Klassy. Most parents don't, but strict rules like that don't prevent pregnancy, nor do they have much use for me in my parenting toolbox. We are not morally opposed to premarital sex or sex under the age of 18 as long as both of them are consenting age and one is not a legal adult (so our concerns are legal, not moral). The problem is that your husband disagrees with you, so can't you just compromise and make them sleep apart? This is what my mother and my boyfriend's parents did when one of us had to spend the night at the other's house -we lived far apart so sometimes this did happen. Problem solved.

How about having the sleepover in a common area of the house like the living room, and have them both in their own sleeping bags? Siblings could also hang out and watch a movie or whatever til it's time to sleep.

I personally would feel uncomfortable having my child's boy/girlfriend stay over, regardless of "0 pregnacy, 0 risk". You chance having a sibling, yourself or hubby walking in on a very awkward situation.

But, that's just me. :)

I think a sleepover is ok but separate sleeping area.

I sort of agree with hubby. In this case you have a harder decision here. I don't know what I'd do except I wouldn't let them sleep in the same room. I would also monitor them more than any other situation. It is the same, to me, as letting a boy spend the night.

Kids her age shouldn't have to worry or be involved in a sexually tense situation.

I have to side with your husband on this. Sorry! There is no way in the world I would allow my kids to have someone they are dating stay the night UNLESS there was an emergency type situation and there was no way for them to go home. Then I would make sure they are in seperate rooms.

I agree with your husband. No boyfriend/girlfriend sleeping over.

So what does your mom say? Because your dad is correct on this one. And if you choose to be a sneaky kid then I'm sure you've been a sneaky kid right along. This would be just another situation for you to think you know more at 17 than your parents do with all their life experiences.

I would not allow it. The only time I ever had a boyfriend stay the night in high school, it was because the rain got so bad that the national guard literally shut the roads down going out of our little town and he lived in another little town nearby. He slept out on the couch.

I'd allow it, but I'm not strict. Teens will find a place to have sex. I have family living in the UK and there o can move out at 16.

You would really be okay with your daughter having sex with her boyfriend in her bedroom, not far from yours, as long as she is on birth control? Wow. Get ready to be a grandmother at a young age.

I agree with your hubby, except that I would not put the 8:00 p.m. curfew in place as a "set in stone rule." I do wholeheartedly agree that no one anyone is dating is allowed on the upper level of the house.

She is 17, not a younger child, and I think that makes a huge difference in all of this, more so then the gender of her lover. She is almost an adult and is engaging in safe and protected activities (even if her form of BC is different then what a straight person would need). I would not have an issue with this.

Treat it just as you would a boyfriend. One time one of my girls boy friend was over and his mom's car broke down. She could not come get him and he had no key to the house himself. We couldn't throw him out. So he slept at our house. But, he slept on the couch, my daughter stayed in her room. If they ever have something like this happen again, then same thing, the boyfriend will sleep on the couch--or in the basement if possible, and our child will sleep in their room where they should. You can teach how to be responsible and proper without be absolute no, no way no how.

Here's my take on the "sneaky" thing: Some things kids SHOULD have to sneak to do. Teach them what you think is right; teach them to be critical thinkers and formulate their own opinions. Also, teach them boundaries. Even today, my mother knows that I cuss. We joke about it, but I never do it in her presence. We all know that kids are going to be curious about certain things, and, yeah, we want them to ask us about them. When it comes to the labwork, though, there's a boundary that should be drawn and respected between parent and child. Your children should have a sense of "Not around my parents!" That's part of growing up and part of learning restraint. That boundary gives your children permission to say no sometimes. It's a covering to protect them until they are comfortable standing on their own, and you owe that to them. The reason for sneaking is that they know your expectations and don't want to disappoint. You don't want to do away with that.

That said, your husband has a point. Maybe his method is a little extreme--to be modified as you go--but your girls need to be fully parented by their father. The man in their lives need your support as he puts his foot down with them. This will be important for their futures. Unless the girlfriend lives out of town, there is no reason for her to sleep overnight in your home. If she does spend the night, they should sleep separately.

When I was 20, I was in my fourth year with my long-distance boyfriend. He was in town, and our families had plans. He spent one night over; he had his own room. My parents could probably bet that we'd make contact at some point during the night, but it was still their job to establish separate rooms for us.

You and your husband need to have a sit-down and heart to heart about your goals for your children and how you will act as a team to help them to reach those goals. Even if you don't agree with him and you two ultimately decide that you don't care if there are sleep-overs, it won't hurt this one time to say no, while you decide how you'll handle it in the future. You have plenty of time to say yes.

I wouldn't allow this whether gay or not. It sends the wrong message to your daughter and your other children.

However, if there is some extenuating circumstance and he/she had to spend the night, it would be in separate rooms, not together.

Let her invite her girlfriends over to her own home when she's an adult.