Teen Daughter Is Sleeping with Her Boyfriend

YES to the birth control!!

I would tell her dad without her being there. It won't help anything if he freaks out in front of her.

You get her on birth control ASAP and you open up/keep the dialog open. You talk, talk, talk with her-not at her, not freaking out, but calmly and accept that she's made this decision and doesn't need your permission to do so. Freaking out, tattling to Dad who will freak out, using guilt, talking her out of it, etc, will only cause her to shut down and stop talking to you. What she needs most right now is to know that if things go bad or there's something she's not comfortable with, she can come to you with anything and you will offer support without judgement.

I'm 36 years old, lost my virginity at 15. My mom shut down all communication when she told me, as a virgin with my first real boyfriend broaching the subject of sex in conversation with my mom, she would break us up and I'd never be allowed to see him again if she even thought we were thinking of having sex. That didn't stop me from doing it. All it did was leave me with no adult/parental support when I needed to talk to someone, especially after he started using sex to manipulate me and control my friendships. When I was in college and she asked me about sex, I was honest and told her when I lost my virginity. She flipped, took it as a personal affront that I would have chosen to have sex so young (not for religious reasons either), and gave me a guilt trip about how she raised me better than that 5-6 years AFTER THE FACT. Still, to this day, she will tell me how disappointed she is with my choice to have sex at 15 and give me guilt for it, now 21 YEARS LATER!!

Don't be like my mom. Be a resource for your daughter.

What was your reaction as a teen when you were caught doing something you shouldn't be doing and told "don't do that?"

I remember. "Sh*t...I have to cover my tracks better."

Buy her a box of condoms and get her an appointment with the OB/Gyn. At this point it doesn't matter if it looks like you're condoning it or not, she's already having sex. The chickens have flown the coop.

You're past the point where you talk with her about wise choices and quality relationships, but you still need to do so. And you need to talk with her father about having those conversations with her as well. I imagine that once you broach the subject, he'll figure out the rest and you'll have a conversation about her activities. Be careful and thoughtful about how you bring it up.

There's a lot of "should have done" here. What you and her dad should have done is gone. Now you have to deal with what's done. She can't get her virginity back. She might be pregnant. How are you going to help her to make better choices?

If she were my daughter, the first thing I would do would be to tell her now that she has made this choice to have sex, her life is changing and she will be seeing a gyno regularly starting now to get on birth control, learn about STD's, and all about becoming a 16yr old mom.

I am glad she is talking with you... a lot of moms don't have that part yet so kudos to you. Keep your lines of communication open.

I admire you for coming here and saying you do not place all the blame on the boy. SO many people would rather blame others than their own child. You are correct... it takes two and they each made this decision.

You are not condoning her having sex by getting her on birth control.... You are trying to prevent her from becoming a mother at 16. She needs to know where you are coming from with this point and what it would be like to have her life turned upside down if she became pregnant OR contracted an STD that could possibly stay with her for life.

I would first speak with the Dr so he/she knows where you are coming from and the discussion between your daughter and the Dr., although private would be a very serious discussion regarding her health. At this point, if she is having sex, then she sees the Dr. regularly for routine preventative care.

Don't judge her, don't forbid her to see her boyfriend. As someone else on here already said, you already know she will get her heart broken. Be there for her when it happens. Let her know you love her, although you are disappointed that she made this choice at this point in her life.... you will always be there for her.

As for discussing it with dad, I am not sure how I would handle that because a lot of dads would go raging mad and she needs support, not someone beating her down, verbally or emotionally.

You take her to her ob/gyn (yours if she doesn't have one yet) and make sure she is on birth control. You also need to make sure she knows that bc pills do NOT prevent transmission of STDs. If she has not already had the HPV vaccine, please make sure she gets it. She should tell her father. If she is old enough to have sex, she is old enough to talk about it.

ETA: I am assuming DH is able to have a rational conversation about sex with his daughter. If he is not able to (would kick her out of the house or do something crazy), then he probably does not need to know.

ETA2: You also need to have a frank discussion about abortion with her. She should be sure that she and her bf are on the same page about it.

My daughters are 12 and 14. When they started middle school, I told them that the SECOND they decided to have sex, they needed to tell me. I know what the reality is - teens are going to have sex, they just are. We've had conversations over the last few years about only experiencing it when THEY'RE ready, that it's a decision they have to make WITH their boyfriend, NOT to feel pressure, NOT to fall for the "if you love me you'll have sex with me" line that guys sometimes take, to be responsible about it and truly understand the possible emotional and physical consequences of having sex. Many conversations, many times.

Neither of them have had a boyfriend yet and both are still of the "Ew, mommy, we're NOT having sex with ANYONE, EVER!" mentality (although they have had crushes and the older one has friends that have boyfriends). If they came to me at 15 or 16 or 17 with "Mom, ___and I have talked about it and we're ready to take this to the next level.", I'd first try to talk her out of it (of course!), but at the same time, I'd make an immediate appointment with the gyno to get her on birth control and get her a box of condoms just in case.

I don't care if I "look" like I'm condoning it. I'd rather be labeled a permissive mom than have a grandchild or a daughter with an STD. I'd also tell my husband and let him have his freak out (actually, we've been talking about this for a while now, too, so I don't think he'll freak out - he won't be happy, but he's a realist like me). What I WON'T do is turn a blind eye and convince myself that my kids will NEVER have sex simply because we forbade it. That often results in pregnant and/or diseased teens. I'm NOT going there.

If your daughter is truly having sex, get her on birth control now. You forbidding her won't stop her. They'll just be more sneaky about it and she'll be less open with you if anything happens.

If it's going to make dad freak out irrationally, then I don't know that he needs to know.

I am/was the one in our household to handle all difficult/personal discussions with all of my kids; dad isn't good at such things. He could easily have been kept out of the loop entirely.

Yes, put her on birth control immediately, and have a discussion with her about sexual diseases, emotional ramifications, etc. It can and should probably be kept to less than 1/2 hour for the first discussion, or your daughter will likely tune you out or start getting annoyed. She must go on birth control - she should have no option on that.

Whether you "condone" it or not, she's doing it, so putting blinders on and not insisting on birth control is pointless.

Christy - Lol - ""Sh*t...I have to cover my tracks better." Exactly.

The first thing you do is take her to the OB-Gyn. By all means please yes give her access to reliable birth control! Please!

And talk to her without judgement so she knows she can come to you with any issues that she has.

I don't know what to tell you about your husband. If he's really that unreasonable and would go crazy on her for making a decision she doesn't agree with - wow - there are bigger problems than talking about sex.

But I have mixed opinions. Part of me wonders - do you need to have the explicit conversation? He knows she's in a relationship, and he knows she's old enough to start seeing a Gyn for her own health. Can you leave it to him to put two and two together without pointing it out in a way that will cause a blow-up? I'm usually all for communication, but I also believe your daughter is old enough to have the right to some privacy as long as she is being responsible and taking care of herself.

Yes to the birth control. And take her to her regular doctor so that she can have a frank (and private, you're not in the room) discussion about her sexual health. If her regular doctor is a pediatrician who doesn't do internal exams or prescribe the pill, it's time to have her visit regularly with a gynecologist, but she needs to have a doctor who knows that she is sexually active and that addressing that part of her life if now a part of her routine health care.

Also, have open and honest discussions about sharing photos, sexting, etc. as she needs to always be in charge of her privacy and make sure that she is not being violated or taken advantage of.

If your husband is going to be a Neadnerthal about this, maybe it's not his business? I would tell my husband something like this, but we're on the same page that keeping our older children healthy and safe is more important than imposing our moral or religious values on them if they are at a stage in life where they don't agree with those views. Sexually active teens are normal.

I agree that she should tell her father.

Put her on birth control, it can help make her a little less hormonal as well as preventing pregnancy. Talk to her about STD's and the trust that comes with sex. Let her know that she can come talk to you about anything.

Honestly if she is 16 this is fairly normal. Just make sure she has a good head on her shoulders and is armed with knowledge.

I maybe repeating, but this is what I think.

Why does husband need to know? What good would come of it? Does he even want to know? I know my husband would rather live in his ignorance. If you tell your husband, is that going to affect the trusting relationship you clearly have with your daughter, if she told you she was having sex.

She absolutely needs to see a gynecologist. I would put her on birth control. I never understood why teens were embarrassed to buy condoms, but not get naked in front of each other, but that's the reality. I also know a couple of "pull and pray" babies, so that method is not effective. I also know a couple of babies that were conceived on the pill because their moms didn't take it as directed. I would put her on the shot, or an IUD or another form of birth control that she didn't need to think about every day.

It doesn't matter if you give her the impression that you condone her behavior, she's already engaging in the behavior so whether you condone it or not is irrelevant. You can tell her that you don't approve, you won't allow it in your home, but that you also understand that she is making a decision as to what to do with her body and you want her to be careful and protected.

I'm sorry. You can't tell her to quit having sex. She needs to have PROTECTED sex...

It's a great thing she came to you and talked to you about it...but...you need to make sure she is practicing SAFE SEX!!!

Keep the lines of communication open with her.

Do NOT tell her to quit having sex. She will find a way to do it. She needs more than a birth control pill...she needs to have her boyfriend use a condom to keep any diseases away...and a condom is not 100% effective in birth control...

Okay I will share with you our story.

Our daughter had an older boyfriend. I thought I was supervising them enough. Apparently not. No she did not get pregnant but I did find out they were having sex at our house.

I didn't go nuts. I sat her down and had a very serious discussion with her. I also took her to the OB so she could get on BC. No, I did not approve of this BUT I wasn't going to take the chance of her getting pregnant or getting any diseases. I did tell my husband, her father. He was not happy but was under control.

Our daughter had a conversation with the doctor and of course, I was not part of that. I didn't care what she said to the doctor, I just wanted to be sure she was okay. She did admit to me that she wasn't ready for all this and ended it with the boy. I think he put some pressure on her and she is a people pleaser.

HOWEVER, once the barn door is open, it is hard to put the horses back in.

We have a very open and honest relationship. She knew I did not approve and that her Dad did not approve. I feel bad for her sometimes. She made a mistake one she will admit she made and had sex too early. That is what makes me sad.

Get her to the doctor. She needs to understand the responsibility of her decision. Tell your husband. He needs to keep himself under control. Screaming won't help. You also need to supervisor better. You aren't going to totally eliminate it but you don't have to offer them a bedroom either.

We told our daughter that the only people having sex in our home were the married ones who pay the bills. =)

I'd tell her if she wants to be an adult and have a chill attitude, then she needs to be responsible and get on birth control and have a scheduled appointment with a gynecologist.

Did she use a condom? Does she need to get tested? Pregnancy test? These are questions you should be asking her since she doesn't think its a big deal.

Have her be responsible while having second is your next thing to deal with. At least se was honest about it, and came to tell you. You and your husband will red townsite she is able to access birth control options and medical care.

She's already having sex. Nothing you or your husband say or do will make her stop. They have found ways to do it before and will continue to find ways to do it again. So here is what you need to do:

1. Be proud of her for being honest with you about it. Because she didn't lie, you now have the opportunity to educate her and make sure she is being safe.

2. Go see the gynecologist ASAP. Have her get a full exam and discuss birth control options together. Make sure she chooses something and gets a prescription or schedules an appointment for a procedure if she chooses an IUD.

3. Follow up regularly to make sure she is properly using whatever birth control method she chooses.

4. Remind her that birth control doesn't protect against STDs and encourage condom use as well. Emphasize the importance of being safe - both to prevent pregnancy AND for her own health.

5. Keep an open dialogue. Obviously you don't need to get into too much detail, but you need to know that she's being smart and still feels she's making the correct decision. She doesn't need to keep having sex if she changes her mind about it or if she starts dating someone new. Again, be grateful for her honesty and don't make her regret telling you.

ooh wow...

You need to sit down with both of them and tell them that while you don't approve it, they need to think about the consequences of their actions. they MUST use protection. And birth control pills are NOT enough. A condom as well. If you need to buy it for them, do.

My son is 15. He'll be 16 this May. He's not having sex. He's too busy with sports and school. He does have a girlfriend, however, they are not allowed to be alone behind closed doors. As weird as it sounds, both her parents and Tyler and I sat down with them and gave them our rules for dating so we were all on the same page. This happened after they had been dating for about 6 months. We know her family from church so it wasn't some big date meeting. We went out after church one Sunday and talked about our rules and expectations.

We have been in family counseling for just over a year. Our oldest son was hanging with the wrong crowd and Tyler and I were at our wits end. Trouble was happening and he got caught. The judge was lenient and gave him community service and counseling. We decided to make it a family thing so we could all benefit from it. And we have. Open communication happens. The house is much more calm and with 4 boys. I can't tell you how great it is to have CALM!!

Open, frank discussions with BOTH.
She needs to be seen by an OB/GYN and be checked for any STDs.
Both need to be prepared for the consequences of their actions. Without bombarding them all at once? They need to be asked questions too....
Can they afford to raise a baby?
Do they know how much babies cost?
Do they know what STDs can do to their future chances of having babies? There are so many questions to ask them and it doesn't have to be done in one sitting, but they do need to be asked.

Putting her on birth control isn't condoning the behavior, per-se, it is ensuring she's protected.

Absolutely get her on birth control yesterday!!!
Condoms NOW then a doc.
Make her an gyn appt and let her discuss it in private with the doc.
If she's mature enough to have sex, she's mature enough to get through that.
As for dad? I'd probably drop a few hints so it's not a 100% shocker when he does know.

Schedule an apt. with the gynecologist for her and take her. Tell her that she's of the age to be getting regular gyn checks. I guarantee the Dr. is going to ask if she is having sex. She can get her prescription then, with or without your approval. I'm not suggesting you leave all the talking to the Dr.. I do think there is a way you can talk frankly to your daughter while taking a stand against her actions.

I can see that you sense this is wrong, but probably lack any moral frame of reference to deal with it in the way your instincts tell you to.

I recommend you start with a book called: Epidemic: how teen sex is killing our kids. Its written by a pediatrician who saw the physical and emotional damage teen sex was causing. At this point the book is probably outdated in its stats, but the principles remain the same.

I really don't think its all together to late for you to guide your daughter towards abstinence. You just need to arm yourself with some facts and conviction. Though she may not listen to you this go around, she will likely see that you had some wisdom to share after all. No doubt she will experience some level of physical or emotional damage that she will not be equipped to deal with. She will remember your guidance and perhaps take it to heart after getting burned. And you know, she's going to get burned.

Yes a million times to birth control. This is not about you condoning her behavior. You can approve or not, but either way you need to take your daughter to the GYN--parental disapproval has never once prevented a pregnancy, it isn't going to start in this case. Your daughter should talk to the doctor about the possibility of an IUD--something that will prevent pregnancy without her having to think about it or remember to take a pill everyday, and she needs to understand that she still has to use a condom to protect against STIs.

As far as telling your husband--I am on the fence. I think that your daughter has a right to a certain amount of privacy with regard to her sexual activity. You know what's going on, why does your husband have to be told unless your daughter wants to talk to him about it? This is especially true if your husband can't keep it together with this subject.

Your daughter has decided to have sex. This is not the end of the world. You don't need to "blame it all on the boy" or blame it on anyone, you just need to make sure you have provided your daughter with all the tools and information she needs to make good, informed decisions about her body, her relationship and her sexuality.

first and foremost, of COURSE you need to put her on birth control. i'm taken aback that you're even dithering over that. do it yesterday.
it sounds like major dysfunction going on here. i can't imagine NOT telling my husband something this important, but then, i also don't get going crazy on teenagers and thinking it's going to be effective.
the boy needs to be using condoms as WELL as your daughter being on birth control. this is a conversation that should have started a while back.
i don't know what to do about your husband, but get your daughter to the doctor and start working on developing appropriate rules and boundaries for your teenage girl and her boyfriend.
when my older and his girlie became sexually active i made sure they were protected, and i told them they would have to sneak around like every other sexually active teen (they were 17) because i wasn't going to condone or permit it under my roof until her parents told me they were okay with it and they were both 18.
khairete
S.

Though I agree with the other responses when it comes to a doctor visit, I'm not a fan of leaving Dad out of the loop, unless you reasonably believe that he will be verbally and/or physically abusive. She is a minor after all, and he is responsible for her just as much as you are. Though he doesn't need the nitty gritty details (she does have a right to her own privacy), how would you feel if your husband kept a major health issue about your daughter from you?

I grew up with sisters and and an out-of-the-loop dad (though he was and still is married to my mom). It's not a healthy dynamic for your daughter to think it's OK for you and Dad to keep secrets from each other.

That's a side issue though. The main thing is to address the current state of her having sex, and helping her to protect herself.

Have her tell her dad - he doesn't own her virginity - but he's still going to be mad.
Get her on birth control.
You and she don't want to ever have to tell dad she's pregnant.
I'd really start talking to this boyfriend about what his plans for the future are.
For that matter - you daughter needs to think/talk about her future too.
Sex/pregnancy/STDs can really make for some major detours in your life's plans.

I agree that you get her to a gynecologist. You might ask her if she'd prefer a woman, but she's going. You won't be in the room so remind her that it's essential that she be honest, ask questions, answer questions. Tell her to ask the doctor to explain anything she doesn't understand - there's no shame in that. It will be the doctor who puts her on birth control, not you, if you want to get technical. But "condoning" it is not a discussion to have - you can't shut the barn door after the horse has escaped.

I'm not a big believer in teaching kids that Mom and Dad have secrets from each other. You have posted before about your marriage and it would drive another wedge between you if you kept something from him and then he found out later. So I think you tell your husband. You'll have to decide if it's best to prep him in some way so he doesn't explode, or to sit down with your daughter and have her tell him. I think it may be best to tell him right away (and not let more time elapse), decide on a plan you and he can agree on, and then bring her in to talk to you both.

It's not just pregnancy you have to be concerned about - it's sexually transmitted diseases, and the emotions of having sex and maybe breaking up, the gossip in the school, the potential of her being used or influenced by the boy. If you have not yet had a discussion about what choices are available if she gets pregnant in spite of using birth control (and believe me, kids do!), then it's time for that as well. You need to talk about abortion (and be sure you have the facts, not the rumors), adoption, and the unbelievable costs of raising a child when they have no education or job prospects.

I'm sure you know that, if you ban him from your house, you will drive her closer to him and she may never break up with him even if she wants to. The other thing you have to decide is WHERE these 2 are having sex - it's one thing to get her to the doctor, and another to say, "Sure, go on up in your room and close the door and of course he can sleep over." The final thing to discuss is whether HIS parents know, and what their reaction is. You may need to sit down with them as well.

I do think there is value in sending the boy to the doctor with her for a second visit, or sending them to a reproductive health clinic so both of them learn about their responsibilities in preventing pregnancy and disease. It's astounding how many kids are having sex but don't know anything about anatomy, conception, disease, how to properly use a condom, what side effects can occur with other forms of birth control, what to do about them, etc. There are couples' classes and group classes, etc. They can go in a different town from yours if they want to, but send them. It gives them education, and in many cases it alerts them to the many issues involved (and some of them decide they aren't ready to have sex).

***added***
My rules would be something like this:
"I love you and I care about your physical health and your heart. I'm extremely disappointed you are doing this, but it's your body and your life. You are not welcome to have sex in our home or his home, but I know you two will find ways so you're going to the doctor immediately for EFFECTIVE birth control-which condoms are not-thoguh you still need to use them because of diseases...but you can still get herpes no matter what...(insert frank disease/condom talk here) . I recommend a non-hormonal IUD so you don't forget to take a pill or deal with hormonal side effects at such a young age. If your boyfriend has ever had sex with anyone else he needs to be tested for stds and he needs to use a condom every single time you have sex. I'm not sure I'll tell your dad yet. Maybe you should do it." And tell her there is more to life than her boyfriend and you don't want to see her throw it all away and you don't want to be a grandma. She won't believe your thoughts at this age, but say them anyway so she doesn't think you don't care. Or something. Getting her safe is not condoning. ****

Not sure you need to tell her dad. But I'm also not sure she needs to have her boyfriend over to your house if you know they're having sex. That's a little too "chill". My boyfriend never once came to my house in high school and I never went to his.

When are they having sex? It might not hurt her to have a little more stuff to do so she lacks time for having sex. When I was sixteen I was overwhelmed with school work, drama club, babysitting, grocery bagging, a part time job washing dishes in a restaurant, saving for college, and trying to put together an art portfolio to apply to art school. I had to save for college and pay for all my own stuff aside from basic food.

I had a boyfriend who I only saw in groups for the very rare movie and bagging groceries we MAYBE stole a kiss or two in the break room. I snuck out during the night a few times to go out with him and friends, but I got caught so that stopped. There was literally no possible way to "have a mature sexual relationship" while I lived at home as a teen.

Are you OK with the fact that you are enabling her to have a sexual relationship? Is it out of your control because she has no parental supervision after school and no job?

If you tell your husband is he going to be OK with all this? SOunds like he won't. Why not? Do you agree with him?

Condoms are nice in theory because they can prevent some STDS when they don't break or slide off. She needs birth control in addition to condoms. Take her to the doctor for some. Be sure she knows ALL THE FACTS.

Then decide what kind of life you want your teenager to have. One where she is focused on her future, or one where she's focused on her boyfriend and sex. Then get your husband involved to help with what you decide.

At 16 there is little that can be done at all. Unless you are willing to send her off to an all girls facility she is going to find someone to have sex with. She is going to be pregnant in a few weeks if you don't take her to the doc tomorrow and get her on something she can't forget to take, seriously, get her on the patch or something she can't take out or off or forget to take.

Unless you personally are going to put that pill in her mouth and watch her take it, even then she can palm it or cheek it, then there is no guarantee she will take it every day...therefore no protection.

If you don't want her pregnant get her to the doc tomorrow.

I don't know what I'd do if I found out this was going on in my home. I know I'd bust her a** for doing that there and if you don't have it in you then let dad do it.

She should be more respectful of you and your home than to be doing that there. Not at his house either. Seriously, that's uncalled for.