Hi all,
Our middle boy who just turned 3 last week, still isn't potty trained. He will pee on the potty/toilet when we put him on, but will never tell us when he has to go, and also never wants to poop in the potty. I know this is not atypical, but I'm at a loss as far as what to do. Our first son (age 4) was potty trained at 2.5 yrs old, pretty much in a day. He had a poopy accident maybe 3 times in the first 2 weeks, but he was aware of it, we could see progress, and after those initial 2 weeks, that was it. He was 100percent potty trained.
I know every child is different, and I also realize I may not have as much time, energy, and patience with him than I did when my oldest was the same age (we have an 8 month old as well), but I'm not sure how to move forward. He is a sweet little boy and does well with verbal encouragement, but he is also headstrong and determined to do things on his own, whereas our oldest was always more worried about pleasing us / getting our approval. He does ok (kind of) when totally naked, and he does WANT to wear underwear, but when I let him wear them, he will often pee right through them, and then say "i have to go potty, even though he already did. Lately though, not only does he not tell us when he has to go, he also resist us taking him to the potty.
Treats, snacks, suprises, stickers...etc. haven't worked so far, even though we always make a big deal when he does go (and he also proudly tells us and everyone around after he has gone on the potty).
So I don't know.
On our hand though, we are being inconsitent...some days, pull ups, some days, underwear...etc. I will often start the day with underwear and after the 3rd accident I just give up. I just don't know what to do.
Thanks :)
I'd say stop. Don't try to train him at all for at least 3 months, possibly 6.
It sounds like things are stressful for both of you. If it's stressful for you -no biggie, it's just a pain- BUT if it's stressful for him his body won't LET his somatic nervous system take over, and will keep yanking it back to autonomic (no control).
So drop it completely, and wait a few months.
He just might not be ready yet. Save yourself all the drama, put him back in diapers, and give it a few more months. He might want to be successful but his body maybe hasn't caught up yet. He might be sensing your frustration which might in turn be contributing to his resistance, and now it's turning into a negative thing, rather than him feeling empowered. If you know every kid is different, then remember that. My daughter was really stubborn about the potty training until well after 3.5 - in her case she was physically capable but still didn't seem to believe in herself. It took us putting her in underpants and taking diapers away cold-turkey and within 2 to 3 days, she was peeing consistently in the potty and not having any accidents. Once she realized she was capable, she was all about moving forward and hasn't looked back since. Right now it just seems you might be putting too much pressure on your son - nothing says they must be potty trained by a certain age. You might also be sending mixed messages if you keep changing things on him. Once he seems more ready, commit to keeping him in underpants (no pull-ups except maybe at night) and stay consistent. He might have several accidents the first day before he gets it. Our daughter did, and then by the second day you could see where she was realizing what was about to happen and knew she couldn't let it happen in her pants, so we were able to get her to the potty on time. I also suspect she might be a bit of a perfectionist, and that might have been contributing to her resistance - as if she were so afraid of screwing up that she just figured she couldn't do it and didn't want to try. We gave her the opportunity to make some mistakes, learn from them, and realize it's not the end of the world. Good luck to you, he will get there eventually, but I would put it on hold for now.
He may just not be completely ready yet. It hasn't "clicked" in his mind yet exactly what he needs to do and the order he needs to do it in. You could back off and try again in about a month. He may even surprise you before then and, all of a sudden, figure it out on his own. That happened with my 3 year old this summer. It sounds like you're doing a really good job. It'll happen :)
I agree with Previous post, just wait, save the drama. I'm a super lazy parent, didn't want to mess with " training". I waited until my son was 3.5 & told him " no more diapers". He said "OK" & we had not 1 accident. *** OK, when I say " super lazy" , what I really mean is that I pick my battles***
Check out "Potty Training Boys the Easy Way" (http://www.amazon.com/Potty-Training-Boys-Easy-Quickly-Ev...)
It isn't a quick method, but slow and steady, which sounds like it might work for your son. My son responded really well to it. No tears or resistance.
I have no suggestions, but can't wait to hear what others suggest. I am in your exact same situation right now as well. I could have written this exact same post...literally right down to your children's ages (I have a 4yr, 3yr, and 8 1/2 month old...weird!!!!) My first was super easy...never accidents, just did it. Your son sounds just like my son. The first day, he peed on every flat surface and rug in my house, and pooped on the living room carpet twice (we were told to try the no undies, just naked for the first few days). My 3 year old has been tough to train, still poops in his undies or a pull up every day (has yet to poop in the potty), and doesn't seem to know when he has to go. We've done the whole sticker, present, snack route as well, even made up a special song and dance that the whole family does after he pees in the potty (cannot even believe that we do this...ridiculous, but we'll do whatever works.) My older daughter has named herself the "potty coach" and takes him in to the bathroom and shows him what to do and talks him through it. This helps a bit because he really looks up to her and wants to be like her. It has gotten better, but it is slow going. I truly believe that when they are ready, they will be able to do it. Maybe your son just isn't ready. Truly, you can't force them.
Sorry I have no suggestions, just wanted to offer my support and complete understanding. It is brutal, but he'll get there! Hang in there!!!
He may be confused by the inconsistency but he may just not be ready. My son just wasn't at 3. Put him back in diapers or pull ups, the same every day, and give everyone a break. You can't force it - he may just not have the physical development to sense the "urgency" - there is nothing you can do about that. It's not stubbornness - he knows what you want but he can't do it yet. He is developing in other areas first, and that will be second. Or third. Or tenth. It's not you. It will happen. He will not go to kindergarten in a diaper. It's easier to keep him protected than to have everyone get frustrated.
i would stop for a while. you might even want to wait until 3.5 years old and try again. or just stop for a couple months - whatever seems to work for you guys. then when you start again, explain the whole deal in a positive way, remove the underwear, let him go bare bummed, and as he learns to pee/poop on the toilet, he can earn some awesome underwear to wear! if he has accidents in his underwear, take the back off...not as though he's in trouble, just in a way of "we don't poop and pee in our underwear. when you think you're ready and can show me by you going potty on the toilet, then we'll be able to put the underwear back on."
mostly he doesn't sound interested/ready yet. i think if you wait a little while longer, you'll find it a lot easier and less stressful. and, again, i'm totally for the bare bummed method! fasted way to train mine:-)
Potty training is ultimately a process that the child must control, or else he's not trained. A number of factors are needed for potty training to succeed: the child must be able to notice and recognize the urge before it happens, he must have adequate sphincter control and the ability to hold it long enough to get to the potty, he must understand the point of training, and he must want to be trained. It sounds like at least one or two of these is still missing for your son. Sometimes boys don't really get there until they are 4 or older, no matter how badly parents wish otherwise.
You probably know that night training is a whole separate step for many children, and can lag a year (or several) behind day training. It's not too unusual for third or fourth graders to need diapers at night, and for a few unfortunate kids, they reach adolescence before they stop bedwetting. Their sleep is too heavy for the full-bladder signal to get through, and/or the sphincter isn't strong enough to hold a full bladder, and the chemicals that slow down urine production at night are not produced in adequate amounts. This is more common in boys. They really are not doing this on purpose, and many of them become discouraged and ashamed that they're not able to stay dry through the night.
Sometimes rewards work in the short run if only motivation is lacking. But that introduces the very real possibility that the child will perform only for escalating rewards/bribes over time, and that can become a mistake that you will seriously regret someday.
So, what I would suggest is that, as hard as this will be, you drop your expectations, tell your son you are proud of how well he's growing up, and express your confidence that he will use the potty when he's ready – when he notices that taking a few minutes to go to the bathroom will be easier for him than getting changed. And then do it. Just stop hinting, fussing, reminding, nagging, demanding, bribing, acting anxious or annoyed, or anything that you MIGHT currently be doing around the topic of potty training.
Kids WANT to make this developmental step when they're ready, just as they want to walk and talk when they're ready. Your son will probably need some "space" to work it through for himself. He may need a few more weeks or months.
Meanwhile, you can continue to make all your messages about using the bathroom as positive as possible. That can include modeling how easy/quick it is for you, Daddy and big brother, reading potty books or watching potty videos, having his toys/stuffed animals role-play pottying, and in general making a game of it. With my grandson, once he could do it but didn't want to take the time, I would go into the bathroom and begin noisily ejecting all the dinosaurs that were crowding the room and sitting all over the toilet seat. My grandson couldn't resist that game, and would come in and help me wrestle the beasts, and claim his spot on the toilet.
I think that your son will probably do best if you just wait until he's ready to start this new adventure. Here's a most excellent website that gives a few variations on "readiness" checklists, plus tips on various training strategies, the best ages to start them, and the advantages and disadvantages of each approach: http://www.parentingscience.com/potty-training-tips.html.
Be consistent, put him on the potty. Start a timer and take him once an hour or so. It's rough I know, both my kids were late trainers too! I put mine in underwear at home, but then pullups when we went out to avoid accidents in the car and such. Once he could learn to hold it and tell me, he could wear his big boy underwear. Pretty soon, he protested pullups at all and was able to be trusted going in public w just underwear. I still brought a change of pants and pullups just in case though.
